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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Where is my DH? What should I do?

302 replies

sooooworried · 14/10/2011 18:25

Don't really know what I will gain by posting this - hopefully some good advice.

I am 6 months pg, DH has a drug problem which surfaced a few years ago and is in recovery. Going to Narcotics Anon and seeing a counsellor. Apart from that he is perfect in every way and I love him deeply. Since finding out about his problem (which he kept hidden from me) I have been 100% behind support him to stop. He has tried hard. In 2.5 years this problem has been known to me he has relapsed a handful of times, nothing for 9 months, then 3 times in the last 6.

We both work full time and call and text each other lots all day every day just to keep in touch.

Today was a normal day - he got up with alarm, got ready for work and left after making us both breakfast which we sat down to together. He said he had a busy day ahead (not unusual). He left for work at 8am and I worked at home today. I was also busy and around 2:30pm called him - normally we would have been in touch a lot prior to that but I hadn't contacted him and he hadn't contacted me. Occasionally when we are that busy that will happen. His phone went straight to vmail, I left him one. I phoned him again an hour later, then phoned his work phone (mobile) straight after, nothing. He texted at 15:38pm "Love you darling. Wll call later. Busy day. xx" I have phoned and texted lots since then - my texts getting more and more frantic and nothing. He should be in NA right now - I assume he isn't there and is on a binge somewhere. He would phone on his way there - and would know that if he hadn't spoken to me all day to call.

His pattern isn't to binge away from home but at home on his own. He hasn't done this before. I am soo worred about what is happening to him. If he was at NA he would call the second it finished (7:30pm) and then text me all the way home. I am praying he will call at 7:30pm with a "Sorry baby, really busy day didn't get a minute phone was playing up, just out of NA, see you in half an hour, love you" but I know this is stupidly naive. Where is he? Why is he doing this? What can I do to find him?

OP posts:
ToothbrushThief · 15/10/2011 08:24

I am with pink on her last post.
Don't enable him

I appreciate posters saying coke use is normal to them and marriage is about better worse etc but OP seems to be expressing a point of view that this is no longer tolerable. Enabling DP by minimising consequences is ...well enabling him

ToothbrushThief · 15/10/2011 08:24

x posted a lot!

pink4ever · 15/10/2011 08:26

soooworried-yes I did leave the thread last night as many posters didnt seem to like what I was saying-different story this morning though eh?Hmm Sorry if you find what I am saying unpalatable but really what do you expect?

This man isnt "perfect" and quite frankly he doesnt love you or your baby-harsh? maybe but true. Carry on faccilitating him and this is your life for the forseeable future. Your choice

FeedDeeTilIWantNoMore · 15/10/2011 08:26

You are not shit and weak.

You are a little nieve though in thinking just because you love him, he'll change. He won't. Not as long as he has a hole in his arse he won't.

You need to decide to love yourself and your baby for a change - get out now. Don't be there to pander to him when he comes home. Don't justify his excuses.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/10/2011 08:27

Weak, yes but that is understandable because you've been living within this for so long that you can no longer see the wood for the trees.

Shit, I don't think so. Not one bit.

You need to put yourself and your unborn child first as of now and think about how your lives will pan out in future if you remain within this situation.

How are your own family members, are they supportive of you?.

Jenski · 15/10/2011 08:27

Have you thought about 'not' picking him up. When he phones, tell him that he can't come home now. I know this sounds harsh, but it would show him that you are 100% serious (and strong enough) to kick him out following this episode. Then he has to make the changes before you let him back.

I know that this is a hard choice, because you don't get to find out in detail what went on and why etc. But it would prove to him how important it is for him to be thinking about you and baby.

Just a thought.

Jenski · 15/10/2011 08:29

Oh and change the locks before he stumbles home feeling sorry for himself. And then go out.

HauntyMython · 15/10/2011 08:31

I do agree about not enabling but tbh I think in the immediate sense it'd be better to pick him up. I think. That does not have to mean she will enable him in any other way, or that this incident will all be forgotten about.

But you must stay as hurt and angry as you are right now, as you were last night, and then tell him the consequences and 'have it out' providing he is sober.

pink4ever · 15/10/2011 08:34

Op is not angry though-she wants him home so she can cuddle hi,make him feel better and try to fix him. Doesnt want to listen to anyone tell her otherwise.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/10/2011 08:34

I can only reiterate what I wrote earlier.

He made a conscious choice to use here. He has to see that there are consequences for his actions and if that means walking 10 miles to get home then so be it. Don't collect him.

He probably as well won't be able to tell you why because he will not remember or not want to remember. You are also not his counsellor and you cannot act as one. You are too close to the situation to help him. He does not want your help and actually you are the last person who can help him.

pink4ever · 15/10/2011 08:38

I predict op gone to pick him up.....

Original poster
sooooworried · 15/10/2011 08:38

I won't pick him up. Am in such a state, no sleep, I am in not fit to drive and it would be unsafe for me and baby. When he texts I will tell him to get himself home. I when he does I will be ready to leave. I am going to have a bath now eat something and drive up to see a friend of ours who knows and I was in touch with last night. I am going to ask him if he will take my DH in for a few days. I don't want to see him.

OP posts:
akaemwahahahafrost · 15/10/2011 08:40

It probably feels impossible to do and you probably won't be able to but I definitely advocate the "you are on your own" method. I have been through this and am out the other side but at huge cost mentally, financially and more ways I can describe here to myself and my dc. My biggest regret is not ending it sooner. I KNOW what you need to do here, but I didn't do it myself at the time and do not judge you.

You are NOT shit and weak, don't you dare say that, HE is and he is forcing you into an intolerable situation through his actions.

I so remember the "that's it, I'm done drinking, I need your help to stop, I hate myself, will go to the doctors/AA etc, please pick me up so I can stop this NOW!" texts and phone calls. Please be aware he is only calling/texting you now because HE has had enough/run out of coke/money etc. If it was about you and your baby he would have been home last night, ok it might have been a "lapse" but he made an all nighter out of it didn't he?

I hope you find the strength to do what you need to do for all your sakes. Please pm me if you want to, I understand what you are going through more than you could believe.

Jenski · 15/10/2011 08:40

If you pick him up, you are saying you forgive him for putting you through a night of hell. And you will forgive him and probably feel a bit sorry for him because you do love him. BUT this will not make things better.

I have been in a similar situation and when said H returned home in the morning, I got in the car with my dcs and drove 250 miles and didn't come home for 5 days. This was the only time he got the message.

Jenski · 15/10/2011 08:41

Oh, and I didn't even ask what happened or enter into discussion before doing this!

Maryz · 15/10/2011 08:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SheCutOffTheirTails · 15/10/2011 08:47

Can't you see what a load of manipulative shit his state of upset and terrible remorse is?

That's how he gets away with this - by making the aftermath about how awful he feels, by denying you the right to be angry by threatening that if you do anything about it, it will make him worse.

He is using your love against you.

Please continue to ignore the amateur drug counsellors telling you he isn't an addict. He's been diagnosed as an addict by professionals who have met him.

I can't believe anyone would give such shit advice as that doing coke every few months is just fine when the person in question has a serious problem with destructive coke binges.

The other shit advice is about conditional love - no adult deserves your conditional love. If they don't treat you well, you shouldn't put up with it.

Further - leaving to protect yourself is often the only response to an addict. Don't think you have to stay because you love him. You can't fix this, and if he won't, you will have to take yourself and your baby away from it.

SheCutOffTheirTails · 15/10/2011 08:49

Can't you see what a load of manipulative shit his state of upset and terrible remorse is?

That's how he gets away with this - by making the aftermath about how awful he feels, by denying you the right to be angry by threatening that if you do anything about it, it will make him worse.

He is using your love against you.

Please continue to ignore the amateur drug counsellors telling you he isn't an addict. He's been diagnosed as an addict by professionals who have met him.

I can't believe anyone would give such shit advice as that doing coke every few months is just fine when the person in question has a serious problem with destructive coke binges.

The other shit advice is about conditional love - no adult deserves your conditional love. If they don't treat you well, you shouldn't put up with it.

Further - leaving to protect yourself is often the only response to an addict. Don't think you have to stay because you love him. You can't fix this, and if he won't, you will have to take yourself and your baby away from it.

Proudnreallyveryscary · 15/10/2011 09:17

I agree entirely with shecutofftheirtails.

Pink - this isn't a point scoring 'I was right' exercise. And what people objected to was you saying she should never have had a baby with him when she was in a highly distressed state, not that her dh is behaving like a manipulative, disruptive arse.

Original poster
sooooworried · 15/10/2011 09:20

I can see it now.

My genuine fear is that if I leave that will be the end of him. He has talked about suicide before in the dark moments. I could never forgive myself for that. Anyway I wouldn't go anywhere - I would make him the one to leave.

OP posts:
clam · 15/10/2011 09:21

You need to give him a shock. And don't start with "but he knows what he's done and is in a terrible state." That's manipulative bollocks on his part.

Leave. This morning. Or make him leave. It doesn't have to be forever, but you have to SHOW him that you mean business. Don't return, or let him return, until he has fully realised that you will not continue the relationship on its current terms and that he has lost you and his baby (in the meantime). Do not give him any promises or hope about possibly coming back. JUST SHOW HIM WHAT HE'S LOSING. You cannot do that while you're mopping him up after this latest disgraceful eisode.

pink4ever · 15/10/2011 09:21

proud-but she shouldnt have been trying for a baby with him while she knew he had a drug problem. Harsh but true am afraid. As I said she has amde the choice as adult to enable this man but her child doesnt get a choice.

The fact is the very best thing she can do for herself and the baby now is to kick him into touch. Maybe then he will finally seek the help he needs. But she has to put that baby above all else-even her marriage.

ToothbrushThief · 15/10/2011 09:21

Fab post SheCutOffTheirTails

OP I hope you follow through with your last post and somehow I think the strong and 'not shit' OP will do this and move forwards, because of it

I wish you well

Original poster
sooooworried · 15/10/2011 09:22

He texted with his location and asked me to come and get him. I told him to get a cab. I have showered but got back in my pjs - really don't have the energy to dress and leave just now.

OP posts:
clam · 15/10/2011 09:23

He won't commit suicide. And you would not responsible for it if he did, although I understand what you're saying. But that's how he's keeping you on-side. YOU CANNOT SAVE HIM FROM HIMSELF.