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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Plenty of Fish, yes, but where are the men? Dating chat thread #4

999 replies

lubeybooby · 12/10/2011 15:14

A new one (again)

Dating, internet dating, all kinds of dating.... chat about it here.

Off you go! :o

OP posts:

watchoutforthatsnail · 15/10/2011 11:55

poppa. lol

seriously though..am i some kind of safety nut?

Original poster

lubeybooby · 15/10/2011 11:57

Wriggly awww well... you gave it a very very fair go but it's not happening. Don't feel bad about it :)

OP posts:

wrigglytummy · 15/10/2011 12:00

Lubey I agree with lots of the stuff you are saying, if you Google well you can find out plenty on a guy. If I could not do that I would be alot more cautious, but you have to combine research with gut feeling and a bit of "what would my mates/parents think if something went wrong - would they say I was being stupid?

Original poster

lubeybooby · 15/10/2011 12:01

Oh - and my Date is 7.30pm and I still haven't decided what to wear. Really must go and see what I've got, Can't wear what I wore on my last date because the place we are going to is just a smart/casual pub and I'd be way overdressed... hmmm...

Probably nice jeans and a wrapover top thingy

OP posts:

PoppaRob · 15/10/2011 12:04

a bit... your advice is sound but it is a numbers game. The number of people who are raped or murdered by predators is miniscule compared to the number of people out and about meeting people on any given night. I'd say putting your Visa card into an unfamiliar ATM is probably a lot riskier than sharing some identifying information with someone you've just or recently met.

It looks like if I ever strike it rich and come to the UK I'll be meeting all you people in safe sized groups outside of railway stations or similarly public places. My chances of amorous action are looking as good as the lottery win that would get me there! :)

TimeForMeIsFree · 15/10/2011 12:07

watch I don't think you are a kind of safety nut but to be honest you surprise me with it

I totally get where you are coming from and I totally understand what you are saying and I agree but I do think there is as much risk after the date, when you feel perhaps you are safe to invite him home for a shag as there is getting into a car. There would probably be that "what was she thinking" response if someone was murdered after having a guy home after the first date as much as there would be after getting into a car with him.

As for that young girl, that's so sad but what is more sad is that people judged her for doing something she was perfectly entitled to do. We, as women, should be able to walk along a street in the dark and not feel under threat of being attacked or murdered. She didn't do anything wrong, it wasn't her fault she was murdered and she didn't deserve it just because she was out at that time of night.

As for this guy, I don't think I would have let a 'stranger' pick me up from home but I did feel 'safe' with this one. He is known by people I know and the length of time we had been chatting made me feel safe. I probably wouldn't have felt that with someone I hadn't been chatting with long so wouldn't have done it.

TimeForMeIsFree · 15/10/2011 12:09

lubey nice jeans and wrap type top sounds lovely, and your new hair of course . Are you excited?

Original poster

lubeybooby · 15/10/2011 12:12

I'm cautious if instinct tells me to be. I've cancelled whole dates altogether based on that before. I've experienced a good few slightly stalky men so if I get any of that vibe at all then I don't meet them.

My best mate always knows what I'm doing and who with and where and checks up on me.

Another thing from days of old is arranging sex only meets... one guy I had round to my house having never met him before. But we chatted for a few days beforehand, again he was googleable, he added me to FB. I knew his address, business addy, who his family were, what degree he got and where, his car reg, many things gained from google that I wouldn't have known at all if I'd met him in town and dragged him back to mine.

One of my friends did SIOB on hearing about this... "YOU MET A STRANGER FROM THE INTERNET AT YOUR OWN HOUSE ARE YOU MAD?!!" but he was an awful lot LESS of a stranger than some of my previous shags.

I think I was in the most danger as a far more naive 17 and 18 yr old out clubbing and 'pulling' and going back to my house or far worse... theirs.

Yes you have to be safety concious but I think if you are experienced, have good instincts, have done your homework and all that there's no need to go too mad with the safety stuff.

OP posts:

Original poster

lubeybooby · 15/10/2011 12:14

And what Time said too about there being just as much risk after a first date when you might feel totally safe because you 'know' them having at least met them once.

OP posts:

TimeForMeIsFree · 15/10/2011 12:20

Thing is though lubey knowing all that stuff before hand won't stop a person from being murdered, it will help the police to catch him but you are still dead!

Original poster

lubeybooby · 15/10/2011 12:25

Time but knowing all that stuff eliminate the danger of the internet... which is that the person might not be who they say they are. That's what safety people get their knickers in a twist about.. they could be anyone!

But... if they have what is obviously a genuine FB page, and a googleable business and all that, then you know they are genuine.

If someone told me they are Director of suchacompany and I could find no record of it, and they have an FB page with five people on it all women, then I know they are likely to be telling me porkies and at very least just have a dating persona/fantasy life and at worst are something a bit more worrying. I have had that happen before and ditched them :)

OP posts:

TimeForMeIsFree · 15/10/2011 12:25

Also, what about taxi drivers? I could have got a taxi from home last night, a complete stranger could have picked me up from my address, driven off with me and done naughty things.

If we carry on like this we are going to put ourselves off dating strangers completely!

watchoutforthatsnail · 15/10/2011 12:26

i think with fb and things its good, you can check people out. and that helps a lot. but i still think you have to be careful.

Yes, its a numbers game and unlikely to happen, but being a bit careful and not making it easier is sensible i think.

You do have to rely on instinct and a bit like wriggly says ' what would my family say if something went wrong.

i know, it was sad with that girl. but people did say that, and people would say that, ' what was a 17 year old girl doing out on her own ( nevermind the fact she was 50 meters from her home) on her own. Course it shouldnt be that way, and we should be able to walk where we want, but just because we want it to, doesnt mean thats the case.

I dont know, you see in the papers people going missing after meeting somone on fb and things. i just think some times it lures people in a false sense of security and its all too easy to thikn you 'know' someone.

And there is risk, course there is, even with meeting anyone, but i just think, im a mother, i want to be around for my child and a few simple things to make sure im safe isnt a bad thing.

haha,. my young and carefree facade has been broken now hasnt it. lol

TimeForMeIsFree · 15/10/2011 12:28

Yes, I get you lubey

There is an element of risk in it throughout I would say. Even with someone we have seen a few times or think we know. We just don't know do we? I didn't know my exP would turn out to be the nasty piece of work he turned out to be until it was too late.

watchoutforthatsnail · 15/10/2011 12:29

lubey is right, the internet CAN help eliminate stuff, so you can at least tell if they are who they say they are.
but not always.

taxi drivers is taking it abit far :)
im just saying, its stupid to put youself at more risk than you need to be.

Original poster

lubeybooby · 15/10/2011 12:31

I do agree with you watch

I just think you can use your brain and instinct to great effect with these things, but if you are not sure at all, you can't check them out, or things don't tally then either don't meet them OR follow all the safety advice to the letter meet in a public place, have a seperate phone that they have the number to, tell someone where you're going and what time you'll be back, don't go to theirs or have them to yours etc etc and carry that on til you either ditch them or feel you are now sure about them.

OP posts:

TimeForMeIsFree · 15/10/2011 12:31

It certainly has watch I am seeing a totally different side to you! far too sensible for me

I agree with what you say about the internet luring people into a false sense of security. That is sort of what happened to me with this guy. You have this picture in your mind of what they are like, will speak like, behave like, but reality can be totally different.

I'm not disagreeing with anything you say, we do have to be cautious and we do have to weigh up the risks.

TimeForMeIsFree · 15/10/2011 12:34

I don't agree that taxi drivers is taking it a but far. There have been a number of murders carried out by taxi drivers, there was quite a notorious one a short while back, he was at it for ages and got away with it for ages too. I feel really nervous getting into a taxi alone and never get get dropped directly outside my door.

Original poster

lubeybooby · 15/10/2011 12:37

Really time? I never feel bad about taxis. But I always use the same reputable company or a licenced black cab that has the drivers ID and council licence clearly on display.

I was waiting outside a train station once and this bloke was offering taxi rides but he clearly wasn't a licenced driver, it was just a car and a bloke. NO WAY in that case!

I think as long it's definitely a taxi and you can see the driver ID then that's safe as you can get :)

OP posts:

TimeForMeIsFree · 15/10/2011 12:42

Yeah they freak me out a bit. When I was just starting out on clubbing me and my friend got a taxi home. He was all chatty with us on the journey then when we pulled up at her house he wouldn't let us out unless we gave him a kiss. I can see his face now, he was a much older guy and horrible. I was mortified but my friend gave him a kiss!!! A proper kiss!! Then he let us out. Put me off for life that did. I was too young and naive to know that we should have reported him.

PoppaRob · 15/10/2011 12:46

A lot of it comes down to perception. We've had a few taxi drivers found guilty of indecent and/or sexual assault. They'd all had police checks to get their taxi licence but in each case it was a first offense so wouldn't have come up on a police check anyway. Our taxis have video surveillance that was controlled by the driver, but it's now on all the time and seems to have cleaned things up. However... The media jumped on it as a law and order issue so it got blown out of all proportion. There have only been maybe 6 or so cases in thousands of cab rides, but of course it doesn't help much if you're one of those 6 or so cases.

Makeyerowndamndinner · 15/10/2011 12:57

So how to you google someone with a really common name? I've tried this and just can't find them.

watchoutforthatsnail · 15/10/2011 12:57

i dont feel bad about taxis. like lubey i only use big, reputable companies with all the documents. then i think thats a measured risk.. and you cant really do anything more than that.

i do use my brain and instincts alot. but do prefere to go for a puplic meet first.
but i have been known to, as i said, just go to someones house ( did the whole, knowing him for a while. lots of texts, phone call, on my fb, knew where he worked etc...) and of course it was ok, but probably stupid of me.

and i had that policeman come round to mine the other week too. Because i knew i would be safe ( for all the reasons above) what it did not protect me from was his inane bordeom :) lol

Makeyerowndamndinner · 15/10/2011 12:57

do you, sorry.

TimeForMeIsFree · 15/10/2011 13:02

now boredom is a killer!!

I think we just have to judge each situation on it's own merits. My date last night has been on my FB a while, I knew he wasn't a murderer but didn't know he was a drip. I'm not saying I would ever let a 'stranger' pick me up from home. I'm not disagreeing with you at all watch and I do really appreciate your concerns and advice. Thank you

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