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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I need a quick yes or no answer about whether XP can take our son without my consent

167 replies

drasticpark · 12/10/2011 12:33

Brief history : DS age 10 stays with XP 2 nights per week and should go there tonight but XP cannot collect him from school today so I have made alternative arrangements. XP says he's coming to the house to collect him later although I have asked him not to. I have told him he can collect him from school tomorrow instead. XP is now very angry with me. I am being interviewed by the police at 4pm because XP threw a dog crate at me last week and it fecking hurt. He may be arrested for assault. I don't want him near me.

Soooo, if XP turns up can he just take DS? He does not have Parental Responsibilty (if that's of any relevance).

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 12/10/2011 15:47

i agree with babyhammock.

police will/should need to talk to ex sooner rather than later.

you dont want ds with ex when this happens.

you dont want to say to polic "dont arrest him til three days time coz ds is with him"

ex may do other mad stuff with ds - like make him stand in front of cars (dangerous)

ask police when they will talk to exP - tell DS it is better he doesnt go with dad today, not til this is sorted out.

ArtVandelay · 12/10/2011 15:48

I'm quite late to this thread but I think that things sound as if they are getting quite out of control. I second the involvement of WA and the police. I don't think you are in anyway to blame but all this dog crate throwing and making a small boy stand in front of a car - well, it just sounds like someone, maybe even your DS, could get really hurt. Maybe not on purpose but just in the madness of anger. It sounds very traumatic for him and I think you need support to keep things in a safer way for you and your DS.

incognitofornow · 12/10/2011 15:51

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sunshineandbooks · 12/10/2011 16:02

I think the DS is probably more aware of what's gone on than anyone thinks. Children always are. Sad

That's why it's so vital to make it clear that such behaviour should not be tolerated, rather than trying to sweep it under the carpet.

It's highly possible that he's scared of upsetting/angering his father to not go with him, rather than genuinely wanting to go with his father. It's highly possible that he stood in front of the car not because he loves his father but because he has learned that he's better off doing what daddy says rather than what mummy says as there are less consequences. It may actually come as a relief to this little boy to have everything come to a head and some control established over his father's abusive behaviour.

drastic I think you've been very brave. You came onto MN and posted a thread that rapidly escalated and has seen you get flak from all angles. You've been recently assaulted and already taken one major step and now a whole load of strangers are telling you how to live your life. It's OK to take a step back now. This is all very overwhelming and you need time to adjust. You'll feel a lot calmer and more clear-headed after a good night's sleep and some time to digest all this.

cestlavielife · 12/10/2011 16:07

talking to police, telling theme verything (not jsut this one incident) that will help you,

then think about advice from womens aid/ds' counsellor on way foward

and talk to ds and ask him open ended questions let him talk to you.

maybe he doesnt want to go with dad today?

incognitofornow · 12/10/2011 16:08

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incognitofornow · 12/10/2011 16:09

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cestlavielife · 12/10/2011 16:15

yes my youngest dd loves her dad and misses him - but is clear (she is 9) about conditions to see him ie with another adult present -has to be an adult she trusts "who will be able to stop him doing those things".

incognitofornow · 12/10/2011 16:19

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AnyPhantomFucker · 12/10/2011 16:43

I hope that OP is talking to the police right now

Original poster
drasticpark · 12/10/2011 16:47

Police came early at 3.45. XP came at 4.25. Everybody has gone.

It has been logged as an incident and I have a reference number. It is now up to me to decide whether to make a formal complaint. If I do, XP WILL be arrested and locked up in a cell and DS WILL be interviewed to find out what he witnessed. They will examine CCTV as it happened outside his workplace.

The police officer said it was an assault and the likely outcome would be XP getting a Caution as he has no previous record.

If you could see inside my head right now it would look like spaghetti in a blender.

OP posts:
incognitofornow · 12/10/2011 16:50

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AnyPhantomFucker · 12/10/2011 16:52

OK

Sleep on it.

Don't think on it any more tonight.

Then start to plan what you do to make your exP stop abusing you.

Ring Women's Aid tomorrow and listen to what they have to say.

LeBOF · 12/10/2011 16:53

Sad You poor thing.

Original poster
drasticpark · 12/10/2011 16:53

Oh I wish I could have a big glass of wine but I am working a night shift tonight and on duty in 3 hours!I need to walk my dog before work but I'll pop back in an hour.
Thank you. Short term sorted. But I have no idea what to do next.

OP posts:
LeBOF · 12/10/2011 16:54

Yes, Women's Aid is a good suggestion.

TipOfTheSlung · 12/10/2011 17:50

Agree talking it over with someone who can take all the facts and help you understand where you are at would help.

Original poster
drasticpark · 12/10/2011 18:17

I know I am being bullied. Police officer said it was bullying. He is a bully.
But I just can't get my head round DS having to make a statement to the police about his dad's behaviour.

The bottom line is XP is trying to control me. As that control diminishes he is getting more and more desperate. DS has happily gone with his Dad today and I won't see him until Friday. XP only has him overnight because I am working a night shift. If he finds out when I have booked a night off then I am accused of dumping my son to go out gallivanting.

So on Friday, DS will be in the house less than 3 hours and XP will turn up to take DS to football training at 6pm-8pm. If I say I want to take him I get a load of abuse and accusations that I am preventing contact. This will go on all weekend when I should be with DS. I have to arrange meals, shopping, errands, everything around XP's timetable. I will agree that I will be at home at, for example, 3pm and then get several texts saying, we'll be late, until before I know it the day has gone, it's 6pm and DS rolls up saying I've had a great time, what's for dinner, I'm starving.

I know it sounds trivial when I write it down but if you knew the number of times I've said, let's move on, I wish you well but let's agree contact, finances etc formally then you would be as sick of it all as I am. He refuses to discuss anything and I am in the process of taking him to court to get him to sign the house over to me as he says he isn't ready to talk about it. Just like he's not ready to have his stuff back.

OP posts:
Original poster
drasticpark · 12/10/2011 18:25

He even goes round telling everyone that I kicked him out, that it was all my choice. Even though, it's common knowledge that he was having an affair for 3 years with a married colleague (her H and I were oblivious). And he's still with the OW now!

You're allowing him to control you, I hear you cry, and yes, I agree. But how do I stop him from texting DS and saying, tell your mum I'm picking you up to watch the footy in the snooker club and we'll have a takeaway afterwards, when the alternative is me taking him to get his feet measured for new school shoes or something equally mundane?

Sorry for the rant.

OP posts:
buzzskeleton · 12/10/2011 18:29

It doesn't sound trivial at all, it sounds like absolute hell. Sad

Original poster
drasticpark · 12/10/2011 19:06

I wouldn't mind but I NEVER interrupt their time. I would never dream of texting DS and tempting him away from his Dad. I just say, go and have a lovely time. But DS gets texts when he's at home saying, I love and miss you so very much and I'm so sorry xxxxxxx. He used to put, tell your mother I love and miss you both very much, so I suppose some progress has been made. Prick.

OP posts:
CristinadellaPizza · 12/10/2011 19:42

God, he really is an absolute cock isn't he? And I agree with buzz, it sounds like a nightmare.

Well done for talking to the police though - that's really brave of you. Lots of support here for you to take the next step, when you're ready

AnyPhantomFucker · 12/10/2011 20:42

yes, it sounds like hell

he wants to control you he is controlling you

have you ever spoken to Women's Aid...put yourself forward for counselling ?

the Freedom programme run by DV groups sounds perfect for you...it teaches how best to let their manipulation and control pass you by completely

HerScaryness (HerHissyness) is currently doing it, and finding much strength from it (she won't mid me saying that)

have you swung by the long running support thread wrt emotional abuse, there are loads of women on there at all stages of still in, getting out and getting over abusive men (with brilliant tips how to not let them manilulate you)

give it a try

AnyPhantomFucker · 12/10/2011 20:43

sorry, awful typing...hope you can read it

cestlavielife · 12/10/2011 21:17

i think that getting contact formalised whether written agreement thru solicitors or if it comes to it court may be the only way .

your ds also has to understand the contact agreement and that his weekend with you is his weekend with you.

hopefully you can talk all this thru with someone.

pressing charges - yes may make him angry short term but you can be protected from him, talk to police dv unit. think about safe handovers via third party etc.

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