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Original poster

I need a quick yes or no answer about whether XP can take our son without my consent

167 replies

drasticpark · 12/10/2011 12:33

Brief history : DS age 10 stays with XP 2 nights per week and should go there tonight but XP cannot collect him from school today so I have made alternative arrangements. XP says he's coming to the house to collect him later although I have asked him not to. I have told him he can collect him from school tomorrow instead. XP is now very angry with me. I am being interviewed by the police at 4pm because XP threw a dog crate at me last week and it fecking hurt. He may be arrested for assault. I don't want him near me.

Soooo, if XP turns up can he just take DS? He does not have Parental Responsibilty (if that's of any relevance).

OP posts:
Snorbs · 12/10/2011 13:36

drasticpark, so if I've got this straight:

a) he wanted to change the pick-up arrangements at short notice,
b) you couldn't accommodate the change he wanted,
c) you have therefore arranged alternate cover for DS this afternoon, and
d) you offered him alternate contact to make up for the contact he'll miss this afternoon.

I honestly don't see that you have done anything wrong here. And that's leaving aside the (incredibly good) reason why you can't accommodate the change he wants. If you've got the police coming round to discuss an assault made on you by DS's father then of course you wouldn't want DS to be around to listen in on that. Who would?

Believe me, I am a great advocate of fathers having good contact with their children and I've been fucked around often enough by my ex to smell unreasonableness a mile off. But you're not being unreasonable here, you're really not.

wannaBe · 12/10/2011 13:36

you both need to grow up.

Your xp was out of order to throw the crate, although if this is the first time I wonder what provoked it? As for you saying that if he can't pick ds up from school then he can't see him at all you are out of order. This is a child fgs not your personal possession.

LesserOfTwoWeevils · 12/10/2011 13:37

Call the police and tell them he is threatening you. Can you arrange for them to be with you at the time when XP turns up to collect your DS?
Keep the texts and show them to the police.
You've offered him a very reasonable alternative arrangement after he said he wasn't going to keep to the original one, and you don't have to give in to his bullying.

buzzskeleton · 12/10/2011 13:38

It's the ex who is being unreasonable here. He could have just picked up the child from school. With a history of violence and a recent assault on the OP, it's fair enough that she doesn't want him anywhere near.

GypsyMoth · 12/10/2011 13:38

Sunshineandbooks.... He usually collects from school??

incognitofornow · 12/10/2011 13:39

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Original poster
drasticpark · 12/10/2011 13:39

I wish I had never metioned PR!!!

I will give you an example of how XP tries to control me using DS: I make plans to go away for the weekend with DS who tells his Dad, Mums taking me to xyz next weekend. Then suddenly XP lays on a weekend of activities like go-karting, playing pool etc so that DS tells me he would rather be with his Dad. That's fine, so i ask XP if he will let DS sleep over so that I can go away on my own. But of course, that is never not possible. So my weekend plans get cancelled.

OP posts:
Original poster
drasticpark · 12/10/2011 13:41

sorry, never possible

OP posts:
Original poster
drasticpark · 12/10/2011 13:43

I don't want to go to court.
I want XP to have PR - he refuses.
I want DS to be happy.
I don't want to have a dog crate taken from the boot of my car and thrown at me in front of DS.
I don't want XP to make DS stand in front of my car to prevent me fro driving away.
I don't want DS to know that his Dad might be arrested for assault.

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 12/10/2011 13:44

I don't think he can just take him.

Keep the texts and show them to the police when they are there. Does he know they are coming this afternoon?

incognitofornow · 12/10/2011 13:44

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incognitofornow · 12/10/2011 13:46

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buzzskeleton · 12/10/2011 13:49

In future, if it's your weekend, it's your weekend - and ex will have to lump it. I know you don't want to appear the bad guy to your ds, but he's old enough to understand that your ex can actually arrange these exciting things for his own weekends.

sunshineandbooks · 12/10/2011 13:51

Tiffany - picky picky Wink Good point, but I still think mine was too.

Original poster
drasticpark · 12/10/2011 13:51

My parents are both dead and I have no family in the city where I live. My brother lives 100 miles away and is terminally ill. I don't want it to sound like a sob story because I am actually very strong and capable but this man has worn me down to a complete mush.

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 12/10/2011 13:51

I think other posters are probably right that your XP will tell your son about police involvement too :( Sorry - but an explanation might be better coming from you if you can be neutral and say that you aren't doing this to get at Dad but that what he did was very wrong and he has to face the consequences of it. Whereas if he's this manipulative then he will probably tell DS that you're doing it just to be snide, get one back on you, you made him do it, it wasn't his fault, etc, and all sorts of awful things like that you want him arrested so he isn't allowed to see DS (which of course isn't true or you wouldn't be letting him see him now!)

incognitofornow · 12/10/2011 13:52

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CristinadellaPizza · 12/10/2011 13:53

wannaBe - it's really, really out of order to suggest that anyone deserves to have a dog crate thrown at them, particularly in front of their child.

I am really surprised at you :(

CristinadellaPizza · 12/10/2011 13:55

And actually I think your DS should know the police are involved - he's going to find out and it's better coming from you. He will be scared if he's seen this kind of violence and it's really important to know that it's not okay for his dad to do this.

This thread is really fucking depressing.

buzzskeleton · 12/10/2011 13:55

I know, but he's old enough to comprehend that mum has a right to do things as well and it's not fair for dad to make her drop everything she's doing.

sunshineandbooks · 12/10/2011 13:55

Actually I think the XP is sounding more and more like a abuser who refuses to relinquish control over the OP's life. Yet another reason for formalising arrangements so that the OP and her X have to have only the absolute minimum to do with each other. I think the OP needs help to be able to stand up to this bully, because a bully is what he is.

AnyPhantomFucker · 12/10/2011 14:04

wannabe Your xp was out of order to throw the crate, although if this is the first time I wonder what provoked it?

what the actual fuck ?

HandDivedScallopsrgreat · 12/10/2011 14:12

I can't actually believe people on this thread are saying that the OP is in the wrong or manipulating the situation.

The man through a dog crate at his son's mother in front of his son. He refuses to get PR, he changes access at the last minute and you think he deserves to be treated with far more respect that he is showing the OP!

And as for the victim-blaming "although if this is the first time I wonder what provoked it" - words fail.

You are right though the child isn't the OP's personal possession - nor is she treating him as such. Her XP on the other hand...

Un-fucking-believable.

Original poster
drasticpark · 12/10/2011 14:17

Sunshine, you are right. I have had YEARS of emotional abuse. I threw him out 18 months ago and he is clutching at straws. But he is still abusing me.

And before anyone questions what triggered me to "throw him out" I can tell you that I discovered he was having a 3 year affair with a colleague who he introduced to me and my 3 children, including DS who was then aged 6. He's still with her now and I'm glad to be rid of him.

I met someone else 6 months ago and the abuse/control has rocketed since then. No maintenance etc etc. Yes, CSA already involved. Solicitor involved re house etc. But he just has to look at me and my heart RACES with horror.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 12/10/2011 14:19

So what will you do now op? Has he accepted he won't be seeing ds today?

If he has him tomorrow instead, will it run smoothly?