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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I need a quick yes or no answer about whether XP can take our son without my consent

167 replies

drasticpark · 12/10/2011 12:33

Brief history : DS age 10 stays with XP 2 nights per week and should go there tonight but XP cannot collect him from school today so I have made alternative arrangements. XP says he's coming to the house to collect him later although I have asked him not to. I have told him he can collect him from school tomorrow instead. XP is now very angry with me. I am being interviewed by the police at 4pm because XP threw a dog crate at me last week and it fecking hurt. He may be arrested for assault. I don't want him near me.

Soooo, if XP turns up can he just take DS? He does not have Parental Responsibilty (if that's of any relevance).

OP posts:
incognitofornow · 12/10/2011 15:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

AnyPhantomFucker · 12/10/2011 15:15

cross posted

oh no

love, let the police come and speak to them about this before you make any decision on this

please

Original poster
drasticpark · 12/10/2011 15:15

cestlavie - XP had an affair and left us. DS was devastated and when he heard about a woman facing stoning (on the 6pm) news he said that his father and OW deserved the same. The counsellor explained that this was his way of expressing his anger.

OP posts:
AnyPhantomFucker · 12/10/2011 15:16

have you anyone with you, OP ?

Original poster
drasticpark · 12/10/2011 15:19

I am alone.

OP posts:
AnyPhantomFucker · 12/10/2011 15:21

You shouldn't be alone, right now Sad

AnyPhantomFucker · 12/10/2011 15:24

ok

we have a plan, yes ?

let exP take ds today

possibly too late to delay the police for an hour now, but may still be worth a try. If not, let them come when they come. If DS is still here, so be it. The chances are they will be a bit late anyway, after all this

then you make your statement to them and tell/ask them clearly that you do not want ds to be interviewed or you satisfy yourself that it will be done sensitively

a plan

incognitofornow · 12/10/2011 15:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

AnyPhantomFucker · 12/10/2011 15:26

in the meantime...go and make that tea with 3 sugars and eat a couple of biscuits

we can stay online with you until then

cestlavielife · 12/10/2011 15:27

drastic, keep the police appt - explain to them you waiting for ex to come pick up Ds. you dont want to be alone when ex comes for sure.

if DS asks why they there you can say it' s usual when someone has thrown stuff at another person, that you will be talking to them and you will talk to him about it when he back from dad's. then discuss further when he gone.

if DS has a counsellor that is good; is it someone you can talk to as well?

AnyPhantomFucker · 12/10/2011 15:28

you don't have to type anything

we will just wait here

AnyPhantomFucker · 12/10/2011 15:30

OP, just take the bits from all our posts that help you the most.

type if you want to, don't if you don't

if you wish to pm instead, I am sure that would be fine with anyone currently on the thread, if you would find it easier to get support from just one "voice"

izzywhizzysfritenite · 12/10/2011 15:33

Interview DS? Are you serious??? I cannot have that. I will not have that.

Your ds is conflicted by his father's behaviour . Being given the opportunity to be listened to by the police or other professionals will help him release some of his anger and validate his feelings.

Please remember that the reason that your ex is unable to have ds today is that you have to see the police about his violent behaviour and that you've had to make other arrangements for ds because he cannot pick ds up at the usual time.

You sound completely browbeaten by your ex - please tell the police everything, let them talk to ds if they decide they need to hear what he has to say about what he may have witnessed, and ask them to put you in touch with a domestic violence counsellor.

GypsyMoth · 12/10/2011 15:35

The police is by appointment? They may go and speak to him today also you know? Sorry, that just occurred to me. If he has ds with him ds will get dads version first.

They may also want to arrest him

GypsyMoth · 12/10/2011 15:36

They are not likely to be interviewing your ds!

cestlavielife · 12/10/2011 15:38

the poice will be sensitive to you,

you can also mention other incidents that you never reported before if you like.

we all behind you it is time for your ex to face consequences fo his behaviour.

if you want them to warn him not to come near you, ask them .

Original poster
drasticpark · 12/10/2011 15:39

He will say it was an argument. It was. I gave him some odds and ends from the loft that I found, all his stuff. He tried to put them back in my car. I said no, I didn't want them. He took the dog crate out of my boot and threw it. More than once. He will say I was in the way. I asked DS to get back in the car (it was a handover). I told XP that I would take the stuff back home with DS and speak to him later when he was calmer. He sat on the bonnet to stop me from driving. He asked DS to get out of the car and they left. I thought he had gone.

Here's what I did wrong: I went to get his stuff out and started to dump it on the pavement. That was so wrong, I know. But I was so frustrated and at he end of my tether. The abuse/control has been going on for a long time and even though he is with OW it continues. I don't want him any more and am also with a new partner. Suddenly, XP comes racing back with DS and makes him stand in front of the car so I cannot drive off while he puts his stuff in my car. I just let him do it and sat and cried.

He will say he was provoked.

OP posts:
AnyPhantomFucker · 12/10/2011 15:41

he wasn't provoked

he can say what he likes, the police have heard it all before

the lies, the excuses, the poor hard-done-to bloke

all of it

TipOfTheSlung · 12/10/2011 15:43

I wouldn't delay the police. If they say they are then going to talk(arrest?) ex then you don't want your ds to be there. Better for him to see you standing up for yourself is it not?

Whatever you decided I am sat here with AF as company in spirit

cestlavielife · 12/10/2011 15:43

he deliberately threw crate at you.

he did this in front of ds

he made ds stand in front of your car.

just tell it to the police. all o it.

he could have raged/shouted at you - bad enough - but he had no right or reason to throw anything directly at you

CristinadellaPizza · 12/10/2011 15:43

Sorry incognito - I misunderstood your post. I agree with AF and you - one step at a time. But OP, please don't back down. Your DS deserves better than this and so do you :(

babyhammock · 12/10/2011 15:44

this is all so messed up
If he wasn't messing with your head you would see that seeing your dad throw a crate at your mum is far worse than telling the truth to a police officer.

You can't let your DS think this acceptable behaviour. You need to take a stand now or ex will continue to harass you and make your life a nightmare and your DS will grow up thinking that this is the way adults behave and that will not lead to a happy life for him at all.

You need to talk to womans aid and tell them everything. FWIW I wouldn't let Ex take DS today as under the circmstances its just not appropriate especially as it has you tied up in knots. Let DS play in the garden while the police are here. And tell the police everything. they need to know the background is abusive x

cestlavielife · 12/10/2011 15:45

tell the police how you felt for your DS when he was made to stand in front of your car .

incognitofornow · 12/10/2011 15:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

AnyPhantomFucker · 12/10/2011 15:46

just take what you need from the thread, DP

did you make that cuppa ?