I need a quick yes or no answer about whether XP can take our son without my consent

[drasticpark]

Brief history : DS age 10 stays with XP 2 nights per week and should go there tonight but XP cannot collect him from school today so I have made alternative arrangements. XP says he's coming to the house to collect him later although I have asked him not to. I have told him he can collect him from school tomorrow instead. XP is now very angry with me. I am being interviewed by the police at 4pm because XP threw a dog crate at me last week and it fecking hurt. He may be arrested for assault. I don't want him near me.

Soooo, if XP turns up can he just take DS? He does not have Parental Responsibilty (if that's of any relevance).

DP can I suggest that you take steps to arrange contact through a contact centre

how does one do that ? anyone know ?

What the feck can I do?

His last text was: I will be at the house at 4.15. If you don't let me see DS until tomorrow I will tell him you won't let me see him.

I'm damned if I do, I'm damned if I don't.

drasticpark - you aren't doing anything wrong. He frightens and abuses you. You don't have to put up with that. Listen to sunshine she speaks much sense.

Will the police be there then?

Ffs! Keep this abusive arsehole away from your dcs. Thank f he doesnt have pr. Violent parents shouldnt be allowed anywhere near dcs and i cant understand a legal system that tolerates this.

Be sure you keep all these threatening and abusive texts

and please please follow through in pressing charges for his assault on you in front of his ds

show all this to the police as part of the assault charge...ask to be referred to the domestic violence unit. They will help you take the necessary steps to protect you and ds

Have you talked with DS about the assault and his father's general abusive and manipulative behaviour (eg threats to badmouth you, disrupting your plans and so on), drastic?

My heart goes out to you. I advise you to take whatever steps you can to keep this vile man away from you and your DS.

Disengage. Just keep saying you have offered alternative arrangement. If that is what you choose to tell your son then so be it. DS knows the score.

He is bullying you.

Contact centre arrangements might be something to speak to the Police about?

Why should she incognito? He made her DS stand in front of her car so she couldn't leave. He threw a dog crate at her in front of him. He is the one who changed arrangements today, not her.

Why should the OP have to have anything more to do with him? She has the police coming round today. Looks like her ex is going to turn up while they're there. Good.

ok, fair point

here and now...

go along with him for now, while you secretly take steps to arrange contact through a centre ASAP. If you think standing up to him now will escalate his attacks on you, just play possum for now

unless you think ds is in physical danger, of course

OP, you know that exP constantly drips poison into your ds's ear

what's a bit more going to do, tbqh ?

when he is convicted for assault, you will then have more options as to how, where and even possibly if he gets contact at all

DS adores his father. But they live a sort of men behaving badly life when DS goes to stay there. It's just one big xbox-gokarting-football-takeaway fest. No discipline. I send homework and it comes back blank. He has never cooked him a meal once, not even a salad. He has him 2 nights a week but refuses to take him on holiday because that would give me an opportunity to go away with my partner. I can't compete with that. I do all the drudgery bits and I'm very boring!!

I want DS to have a good realtionship with his Dad even if I can't.

drastic I think it may benefit you to contact Women's Aid on 0808 2000 247 and your local children's services. They will be able to give you much more accurate advice relevant to your personal circumstances about how to deal with this is the longer term.

In the shorter term, although I know it's frightening, I think it's important to stick to your plans. You took the hardest step of leaving him 18 months ago so you can do this, you know you can. Bravery isn't the absence of fear, it's the determination to continue with something despite that fear, and you CAN.

You need to have a chat with your DS about all this. Although it's important you don't slate his father, that doesn't mean lying to conceal his bad behaviour. He &has^ behaved badly and it is not your job to conceal that from your DS or to make excuses for it. Your XP is accountable for his own behaviour and he will have to explain it himself. If you minimise it or deny it, you are teaching your DS that this behaviour is ok as long as it's kept quiet, or even worse you could end up painting yourself as the bad guy.

You are not 'bad-mouthing' your XP if you tell your DS something along the lines of "your father and I are having some problems at the moment. I feel that he is bullying me and I am taking steps to make it clear that I will not put up with having to change my plans on a regular basis because he wants to change days or events, nor will I put up with name calling or being physically hurt." You have not said anything untrue, called your XP any names or made up any bogus explanations as to why your XP behaves like he does.

Your XP probably will bad mouth you, sadly. All you can do about this is try to get your DS to talk to you about it and set things straight. So if your XP says "mummy won't let me see you today" you tell your DS "daddy is mistaken. He couldn't see you at the time we'd arranged so I had to make other plans. He can still see you until tomorrow." Do not try to explain your XP's behaviour or call him a liar, just concentrate on showing your DS why you're behaving in the way you are and why you feel it's in his best interests. It will often feel thankless and unfair, but by the time your DS is grown up, he will see straight through your XP and he will have wonderful communication with you, his mum.

You can do this.

how old is ds ?

Thank goodness for the last few posters... I couldn't believe the way the thread went at the start :(

Sunshine and AF are totally right.
From where I'm standing you have done everything you can (in an extremely difficult situation) to facilitate contact and still the ex is threatening to tell DS you are preventing contact...

He sounds like an horrendous parent and to assault you like that and infront of DS is just awful. No wonder you don't want him near the house. He's clearly using his own child to get at you and I'd be really concerned about that as well as the level of violence he is displaying.

Do press charges... you are absolutely doing the right thing and I would also explain why to DS. He needs to know that it is totally unacceptable for his dad to assault his mum.

I second (third, fourth, fifth) a call to WA

get the experts advice.

Ok here's the plan:

DS comes home at 3.30. I tell him that the police are coming to talk to me about a possible crime I have witnessed but I can't discuss it until after I've spoken to them.
Police come at 4. They have allocated 1.5 hour slot. Hope they're not late.
XP comes at 4.15. I let DS go with him.

Why should I care whether he thinks he's got his own way by bullying? He's about to learn otherwise.

if your Ds wintesssed the crate throwning then actually yes you need to make it clear to ds that this behaviour was unaaceptable and that you have reported to police. ad yes he may be charged with assault. that is the truth and DS needs to know and tlak about it with you and mayeb discuss whether he is scared of his dad or feels safe with him - eg my dds at one point were not scared of being with thier dad but were scared when he was near me - they felt he would ony kick off to me - not them.

(unfortunately this changed but that is another story - point is they accepted on some level that the issue was between me and him, not between him and them eg "dont let him come in mummy and argue with you" etc. ...)

your xp will dress it up in other language and laugh it off, leaving ds thinking it is ok to throw things at people.

however...if until now ds has been fine to go for 2 nights per week to ex then either you cut completely because of this incident - and concerns he may be vioelent towards or infront of DS again - or it continues but handovers done elsewhere. eg he could pick up ds from cinema tonight for example.

drastic - if it's a plan you're happy with and you feel it gives you the time and head space to sort out a better plan to deal with this long term, then it's a good plan. [sile]

sunshine and I do differ on one point for today

I am saying acquiesce for now, play possum and use the time you buy to go through the official channels to stop this ever happening again

I think sunshine and christina are saying "dig your heels in and refuse to let him change plans right now"

I can see both sides, tbh

Only OP, after taking advice from the police and someone like WA, knows which is the safest way for her to proceed

above all, stay safe (he has physically attacked you) although it will absolutely piss you off to let him get his own way again (and it would me, more than I can say here)

the only way to stop this happening again and again in the future is to get him convicted of assault, keep all your evidence of abuse and take him down the official channels

what you do in the meantime is a very individual decision

personally, I would support you in either way