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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

When do the tears stop? Cheating H

141 replies

Ladylou83 · 11/10/2011 13:30

Its been 4 weeks now since I started to discover the truth abouting my cheating H, and I feel like I should be ok now, but the truth is I cant stop crying. I want to not cry, as I fear its not helping my 16m DD, but everytime I do something, see something, think something there always seems to be a link to him.

The last 4 1/2 years have all been for nothing, and I cant my head round the fact that its all been false and lies. I have people in RL who have offered a shoulder, but a) they think I should be coping now b) they are linked to him, and I dont feel I can confide in them, I just dont know who to trust anymore.

OP posts:
Milchardo · 11/10/2011 13:32

I'm sorry you're feeling so bad... I don't have any advice for you, but have a Brew and a hand-hold until someone wiser comes along...

DaydreamDolly · 11/10/2011 13:36

Be kind to yourself, it will take time to heal.

I have no practical advice but lots of sympathy. I hope you can see a light at the end of the tunnel soon.

JosStarship · 11/10/2011 13:52

4 weeks and you should be coping!!! I think they need to get a grip rather than you. Of course your not coping your whole world for you right now has just imploded. Not only are you having to come to terms with the lies, deceit and betrayal but you also have a little one to look after. I can't offer any pratical advise (I'm struggling myself - 5 weeks in after H had EA) but would suggest that you keep coming on here for a shoulder to cry on. The people on here have been great with me and offer very practical adivse and comfort.

I'm so so sorry for you sweetheart and send you a very big virtual hug.

FancyNancy77 · 11/10/2011 14:22

For me Lady the tears did not stop for many months. I remember texting a friend one evening because I realised I had not cried that day at all.
Tears came at many other points after that especially during the times my daughter was at his house.
But 4 weeks . . . you wouldn't be human if they stopped that soon
Valentines Day my keyboard in work broke coz I had been crying into it for months. They said "you must have spilled coffee on it" . . . I knew it was secret tears

It burns like hell and you feel like your life has been made a mockery of.

Be so kind and gentle with yourself. Easy does it and keep life as simple as you can. We had ham sandwiches for dinner for about 6 months after. Nobody got scurvy and these days I'm cooking up a storm in the kitchen.

Good luck

MajorBOO · 11/10/2011 14:28

Sweetheart, please stop being so hard on yourself. You are grieving the death of your marriage, because whether you stay with your husband or not the relationship you had is gone.

Anyone who has grieved will tell you that four weeks is no time at all. Your emotions will stay close to the surface for a long time, and a kind (or unkind) word can easily provoke tears.

Give yourself time, do something for you, and mostly don't feel like you have to hide your grief from your husband, especially if you want to stay together.

He should be moving hell and earth to fix this, and if he's not then you really need to start thinking it may not be fixable.

Good luck.

SimplyTes · 11/10/2011 14:29

Hi Lady, so sorry you are going through this, sorry to say that I do have first hand experience and the tears come and go even now two years later. Your friends / family in RL need to show you compassion and understanding. Is there any chance of reconciliation?

I agree with Nancy that you have to be kind to yourself and perhaps ask friends to help with DD so you can have peace while crying and not worry about the effect on your DD.

Naz12 · 11/10/2011 15:31

Hello darlin. I really feel for you. Its been 3 years and I still feel the pain. My partner cheated on me after the arrival of our twins. He felt i wasn't giving him enough attention and spent as much time away as possible eventually leading to an affair, while I was at home trying to cope as best as possible with 4 children. It ended (I think) when I found out. The devastation was total and it completely changed our relationship. It will never be the same again. So take as long as you need. It will get better eventually. I went away to Jordan for a week! Take care.

Original poster
Ladylou83 · 12/10/2011 09:39

Part of me thinks I would like us to be together, as I thought we worked really well together, but he doesnt want to be with me, he is with OW, and tbh I dont know that I could ever get over all his lies, I wouldnt know where to begin with trusting again. Stupidly if he walked in the door and apologised and said he want me and DD and jump at it, but I know things will never be the same.

Im meant to be going to Spain on sunday with DD and BIL to see MIL and FIL. H has said I have to go as they have grandparental rights (they have none, solicitor told me yesterday), and part of me wants to as its not here, but at the same time a week of them going on about how wonderful there son is and how i'll cope doesn't appeal to me, but its the only leave from work I have till April. His familiy were initially very supportive, but now they have come round to him. They dont know about OW or his cheating ways, they just think he doesnt love me anymore, so I would have trouble not saying anything. I dont want H aware that I know that he is with OW and has been since before we married. He is only aware that I know about his internet dating accounts.

I need to start having good days

OP posts:
Bledkr · 12/10/2011 09:56

Hi love-the tears will begin to stop when you change from hurt to hurt and angry and also when you start to see your recovery as a priority.
Gradually the periods that you dont think about it will lengthen and you can help this by doing a few simple thimgs.

1, Minimise contact with him for at least a month,can family do the handovers of dd and dont call or text him unless its to do with her or financial stuff.This will not only give you time to heal but also make you feel that you have some control over the situation.Avoid talking about him with others too,change the subject as soon as someone starts to talk about him,you do not need to know what he is doing.

2, If you are going to maintain relationships with his family then i feel they should know the truth about the ow.You dont expect them to take sides but you cannot live with this lie just to protect him or them,and why should you?

3, Make little plans for everyday,it maybe a visit to a friend,a picnic in the park with dd or even just agood film and a bar of chocolate in bed.

4, Go through your business,cancell anything you cant afford and re assess your finances so that you feel secure.

5, Try to eat,even just for the sake of it,if you are hungry you are more likely to feel anxious and unable to sleep. I know its annoying but exercise really wil help the symptoms too.

I know it seems the most awfull thing in the world right now but lots and lots of us have been where you are now and are still living great lives.
Its actually quite exciting if you think about it,a new chapter in your life,anything can happen in the future and you are now soley responsible for it.

I wont bore you with my story but lets just say i felt unable to breath from the grief and shock of what he did and so much fear for the future.
I am fine now,it does get better and every day is a day closer to feeling better. Good luck xx

MadAboutHotChoc · 12/10/2011 10:02

I would tell the in laws what is really happening - why are you protecting H when he has treated you in this way?

JosieRosie · 12/10/2011 10:13

'Valentines Day my keyboard in work broke coz I had been crying into it for months'

Nancy, that's so sad. My heart goes out to all of you on this thread. Anyone who has ever cheated or is even thinking of cheating should be made to read this thread, so they can see the devastation their actions caused Sad

And 4 weeks is no time at all OP. Please try not to be so hard on yourself and if possible, avoid spending time with people who make you feel crappy. I would sod the whole grandparents thing - you need to put yourself first at the moment.
'Its actually quite exciting if you think about it,a new chapter in your life'
That's a lovely thought Smile
Take care of yourself

buzzskeleton · 12/10/2011 12:58

I wouldn't go to the in-laws - instead go somewhere/anywhere else with your dd. It will be hell to be with them, and there is no reason you should put yourself through it. Take your leave and see whether you can afford a last-minute break somewhere.

I would also tell the in-laws that he cheated and is cheating on you, and that's the reason you've split and that's why you're not coming to visit. Don't cover for him. Bring it into the open - you're the person who has been wronged here.

Why do you want to hide the fact you know he's a cheating asshole?

buzzskeleton · 12/10/2011 13:05

Or if your tickets to Spain are paid for, perhaps find yourself a cheap hotel in another town/area and have some fun.

Spellcheck · 12/10/2011 13:48

Oh Sad, how horrible. I've been there and the tears were in full flow 4 weeks afterwards, and didn't stop for almost a year, particularly when exH took the DCs for holidays, weekends, etc. So please don't feel you have to be over it just because everyone else is.

Shock that his family don't know why he left. Why don't they know? They should, or that holiday will be a nightmare. Privately I wouldn't go, let him take the DC to their grandparents to fulfil their 'grandparental rights' (which don't exist in law, he really is an arse isn't he?!).

This will take ages to get over, I'm sorry to say, but you will get over it, and you will meet someone lovely when you least expect it who will be trustworthy and loving. I promise!! Just let yourself grieve, and gradually take up new interests, focus on the DC and work, or going to the gym, rely on your real friends, and keep your head down untill you feel ready to face the world as a stronger, wiser, fabulous You. And sod what everyone else says!! Keep posting x

AnyPhantomFucker · 12/10/2011 14:12

Your H has been with OW since you were married ? Shock

tell his family

tell everyone

why are you protecting him ?

do you feel ashamed ? There is no reason for you feel bad....the shame is all his

he doesn't deserve to keep his good name and everyone think he is a good man who just unfortunately fll out of love

he is an absolute twat, and I hope you ^never6 take him bak, even if he crawled back on his hands and knees

hang on in there...the anger will kick in soon

if i were you, I wouldn't go on the holiday

you stay at home with dc and have a lovely time...just you and them

get lots of chocolate, some lovely films, go out on long, long walks in the woods and watch the trees turning colour

the weather here is going to be nice next week...you look after yourself now

and tell him to fuck off with his bollocks of "gp rights"

FancyNancy77 · 12/10/2011 15:00

H has said I have to go

Christ alive!! He's something else. Probably wants to steal a pile of stuff out of your home.

Who cares what he says or wants. Do what you want. I think it would be sadistic to put yourself through that.

Bledkr · 12/10/2011 15:41

ANYF i love the way mine and your advice always involves some chocolate Grin

AnyPhantomFucker · 12/10/2011 15:43

either chocolate or wine

'tis the stuff of life Smile

Bledkr · 12/10/2011 15:43

Op you no longer have to do anything you dont want to.
That is your first positive of many to follow Smile.
Let the ow have him,who wants a cheating arsehole for a partner,not me.
You are not alone anymore,you have all of us and we will see you through it as others did for us.

PhilipJFry · 12/10/2011 16:33

For the love of god DO NOT GO IF YOU DON'T WANT TO. Seriously, don't. Concentrate on yourself and stay in the UK if that's what you'd rather do. Don't let yourself be coerced into doing what they all want.

Wisedupwoman · 12/10/2011 18:41

What ANYF said.

AND

Take some sick leave from work so you can still have your annual leave when you can enjoy it for what it's supposed to be used for. Your GP would sign you off I'm convinced of it - you need some time, you'll have alot to sort out.

I'm so sorry.

Original poster
Ladylou83 · 12/10/2011 21:28

Thanks girls

The doc has had me signed off for the last 3 weeks, Im actually wanting to go back to work. He works at the same place, and its time for damage limitation, he has been able for the last few weeks tell people what he wants them to hear.

Im not trying to protect him from his parents. He isnt aware that I know about OW. When he left it was because he said he didnt love me anymore. In the week that followed I found out he has been using internet dating sites for the last year, and since then I have found out he has been seeing OW, which btw is the same OW he was accused of cheating with 2 weeks before we got married. As I say he doesnt know that I know about OW, and its not that I dont want to tell his parents, because believe me I want them to know what a twunt is he, but if I let on to them that I know, they will contact him and he will be able to start covering his trails. At the moment he is digging his only grave and I want it to remain that way iyswim?

OP posts:
AnyPhantomFucker · 12/10/2011 21:40

no, I don't SWYM, tbh

why are you playing games ? I don't get it, love Confused

buzzskeleton · 12/10/2011 21:43

Pretending you don't know makes no sense. It benefits no-one but him. What do you think it will achieve?

DaydreamDolly · 12/10/2011 21:52

I think its gone far enough, you need to let him know you know about the OW and stop being walked over.
There is absolutely no point in pretending you don't know. Makes you look like more of a mug, why would you want that?