When do the tears stop? Cheating H

[Ladylou83]

Its been 4 weeks now since I started to discover the truth abouting my cheating H, and I feel like I should be ok now, but the truth is I cant stop crying. I want to not cry, as I fear its not helping my 16m DD, but everytime I do something, see something, think something there always seems to be a link to him.

The last 4 1/2 years have all been for nothing, and I cant my head round the fact that its all been false and lies. I have people in RL who have offered a shoulder, but a) they think I should be coping now b) they are linked to him, and I dont feel I can confide in them, I just dont know who to trust anymore.

DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, MOVE OUT OF THE HOUSE.
Sorry to shout, but please don't do this.

You are slowly getting angry, which is a relief; it's about time. This man has controlled you for too long. You have to stand up for yourself, and talk the talk girl, even if you don't feel you can.

Get on the phone to CAB if you can't see a solicitor today. Talk to them, they will get you some advice. Phone around every solicitor in your area (if you google them, you will find ones that do a free hour). Go and see one asap.

The house is yours and daughters home. He cannot make you leave. He can't. You have more right (because of DD) to stay there than he does.

By law he has to pay maintenance for his DD. If he refuses CSA will take it from his salary every month at source (before he gets it).

If you can afford the mortgage that's great - but he still must pay his share.

Don't worry about whispers about what might happen in the future - I don't mean this in a nasty way, but you have to stop listening to what his boss says, what his parents do (or don't say) and deal with the reality. You need solicitors advice and you need it now. The laws on your side - your daughter has the right to stay with her mum in the family home. Get angrier, get savvy and get advice.

And if you need to, change the locks. Yes, I know you shouldn't and all the implications of it - but just do it. You can do this - you have to.

Good luck

What a day!!!

First the shit with H this morning, then some horrible news about my mums health which im so frightened about.

In the middle of my dad telling me about my mum, H kept ringing and texting. He has come up with an offer which is way off the mark, so I still need to get across how important it is that he is realistic, but for now it has to take 2nd place to mum. Ive asked him to bare with me a few days given the news, which I know I shouldnt have but I need time for now, and he actually respects that.

I think its certain im staying, its going to be hard, money will be tight, but DD will be happy, just now need mum to be ok and H to be realistic

Are you getting professional legal advice??

The solicitor I originally went to has a legal aid spot for me in november (he ran out of legal aid slots), and the other solicitor Ive spoken to hasnt called me back, so im working off what they told me at the moment. Im going to ring the mortgage company today and see what they suggest

That's good - please don't make a decision about your H's offer until you have taken proper advice.

Good luck.

It's really important that you find a solicitor quickly, because this won't wait till November. The mortgage company won't be able to advise about you getting a fair settlement.

I rang the mortgage company today to find out whilst id been away he had forged my signature and sent a letter requesting a change to our mortgage. Needless to say im fuming, and my dad is hitting the roof because its fraudulent (is he right?) Basically the rate we have on our mortgage is going to increase in april and there isnt going to be anything we can do about it now, getting another mortgage wont be possible because of the DMP, so we are stuck with it. This is all means that staying in the house is becoming less of an option because come april I defo cant afford it.

I know I need to seek legal advice, but I physically dont have the money to see one at the moment. CAB never responded to the 2 requests I sent using their online system to meet with someone.

On the plus today, my mum was told she doesnt have breast cancer, so on the grand scheme of things I have over the moon, she is well and healthy. Thank god!! DD and I have had an afternoon of dress up, and a fellow M'ner is coming over for a glass of wine tonight. Time to unwind for one night only

Are the mortgage company going to take action against him then? Your dad is right, this is a criminal offence and is fraudulent. Phone the police pronto.

Delighted at your Mum's good news too. Now let this fucker rot in jail where he belongs.....

I think your dad is correct this is fraud and is a criminal matter - did you tell the mortgage company that you had not signed anything? they may inform the police themselves(?)

good luck! I hope if the police do get involved this will be positive for you.

If he's forged your signature, it is fraud and you should report him.

I doubt that the mortgage people can hold you to an agreement made fraudulently.

See if any local solicitors do a free half-hour initial consultation. You may be eligible for legal aid, I'm not sure whether that's ceased yet for divorce cases - the quicker you get in the better.

Don't email people, it's too easy to get left until later. Phone the CAB.

I think you need to phone the police.

Your passport will prove you were out of the country when that document was signed. You will of course be able to produce an example of a genuine signature.

Mortgage companies take a very dim view of that sort of thing. You MUST sort this otherwise you will be unable to afford to live in the house. You can see what he is trying to do.

(And it will be good evidence to use against him in the divorce.)

Please phone the police.

Thanks Carbon, you have no idea how releaved I am, I understand why my parents didnt tell me till yesterday, but I just wish I hadnt been in spain and instead home supporting her through the biopsy.

Dad is determined I should ring the police. The mortgage company didnt seem that fussed tbh, I told the woman I was in Spain, and her closing words were 'well if we dont hear further from u we will assume its all ok'....hhhmmmm

Will ring CAB 2moro And ring my solicitor again and see if he defo doesnt have a spot for me now, if not will ring another one.

I know I come accross as passive and a bit unrepsonsive, but im truely not. The rage is slowly building, and H is not walking over me as much as it may seem, im batteling back

I am fuming - you must fight back, if not for yourself then for your DD. Do contact the police please....

No, you really must call the police. If you do not, the mortgage company will assume your acceptance. THAT'S why the mortgage company woman didn't sound too fussed.

"'well if we dont hear further from u we will assume its all ok' "

Well, you'd better damn well let them hear further then! WHAT HE'S DONE IS ILLEGAL, for God's sake. Get this new agreement cancelled asap, and dob him in with the police while you're at it.

I've been lurking so far and have been so impressed with you OP. I have to post now though to say please, to keep a roof over your DD's head - go to the police.

So it was his 30th birthday yesterday. He wanted to see DD which I was happy with as it was a special day. Failed to turn up....hmmm no surprises there then.

Am at work at the mo, where people now think I am the cheating one!?!?????? Amazing how minipulative he has become, will be putting the nail in the coffin on that one later when I make an official complaint to my boss, and will also be advising him of H's fraudulant ways. I want to know the consequences for him at work before I contact police.

With the exception of 1 RL friend, im finding it harder to trust the rest. Most of my friends are friends with us both, and they seem supportive, then they will say 1 sentance that will make you question if they really are as supportive as you think.

DD is with my parents till monday, Im missing her terribly, but they are my only childcare option at the mo. Actually feel sick with anxiety as im missing her so :(

Yes, but the stories have got twisted and turned on to you because your exH is a shit and you've protected him by not putting people straight.

And if you're not careful, you're going to be held responsible for the fraud too - or at least the consequences of the re-mortgage - all because of your inertia.

Your good friends would be kindly shaking you at the moment and telling you to stop protecting this criminal and put your own and your DD's interests first. If they are not doing that in RL then they either don't know the full story because you haven't told them, the story isn't quite how you've painted it here - or they are not good friends at all.

I don't understand why you have not gone out of your way to tell people what's really going on here. Keeping schtum has just meant they believe his version of events. What are you hoping to gain from this?

Why do people think you're the one cheating?

RL people do know, and im not protecting him. I havent gone out of my way to tell people because Im not willing to cross my personal life with my professional life anymore than it already is. People who know us both outside of work, do know, people who know us both at work dont need to know. There is enough of my business being thrown around the airport like its a toy already, and as I say in pp the truth is slowly getting round anyway.

People have no reason to think Im cheating so I dont know why they think I am. The rumor has started in the department I use to work in. When I was in that department I started seeing one of my now colleagues, but it was all very hush hush at the time as I knew I was transfering departments to his. That ended about 2months after I started working in the same department that im in now. This was nearly 5 years ago bear in my mind. I started seeing H soon afterwards. The department I came from live in the 'ivory tower' and are very isolated from the rest of the airport community. They dont hear whats going on, only gossip thats been chinease whisphered. I made my colleague aware of it yesterday, and he and I both have lodged a formal complaint with HR. Colleague is newly married and his wife also works at the airport, so its totally unfair on them both. Colleague and I have remained plantonic friends, which clearly the lot in the ivory tower are unable to see.

Unfortunatly I work in what feels like grange hill!

Im going to speak to H about the mortgage stuff today and tell him that he can revert the mortgage back to what it was or he can expect a knock on the door from the law.

I have decided to leave the house though (dont shoot me for it). I need to be nearer family, other than 1 fellow mn'er friend here, im feeling very isloated, and although I can just afford to keep the house, it would mean the quality of living drops, if I move though and allow my little sis to move in, my ability to give DD what she needs and put her in gym/swimming/dance lessons etc goes up dramatically. If H thinks he can afford to keep the house then i'll let him, and because he cant afford to pay house and child maintenance at least my money is staying in the house. Where as H is only interested in the house, im only interested in DD and giving her the best I can afford too and if that means being in another house then that is what Im going to do. We move tuesday.....eeeek!

He cornered me at work yesterday. Started going on about stuff that is totally irrelevant in the work place, he should now be aware that if he wishes to talk to me about our private life it has to be out of work. Dont think he expected that :-) dont think the audience expected it either

Ok so I guess i'm writing to myself now but thats ok, its still healthy to put down how i'm doing and feeling than it is to bottle it up. Today i'm struggling badly. Dd still at my parents as i'm working over night and missing her. Normally I would make the drive and go to see her but today i've been packing the house up. Everything hurts, everything has a memory attached to it. Mine and dds lives in boxes. I am hurting, I dont understand what I did to deserve this and more importantly why he has torn up dds life. I truely hope he doesn't cross my path at work, he took my professional wrath yesterday, today it would be personal wrath and as its been building for a while now it could be bad. Sorry to go on but today is a new all time low

Oh dear lord - why are you packing up the house? What did the solicitor say?

Did you call the cops?