When do the tears stop? Cheating H

[Ladylou83]

Its been 4 weeks now since I started to discover the truth abouting my cheating H, and I feel like I should be ok now, but the truth is I cant stop crying. I want to not cry, as I fear its not helping my 16m DD, but everytime I do something, see something, think something there always seems to be a link to him.

The last 4 1/2 years have all been for nothing, and I cant my head round the fact that its all been false and lies. I have people in RL who have offered a shoulder, but a) they think I should be coping now b) they are linked to him, and I dont feel I can confide in them, I just dont know who to trust anymore.

Work is just plain awful, I actually cant bare to be there at the moment. And 2moro it gets worse because of spain. If I dont go his mum is going to fly back here......:(

Well let her. You don't have to see her if she does. You are a free agent. She has no rights over you.

It's none of her damned business.

You need to start telling people he's left you for another woman. You can't allow him to publicly blame you for this which is what he'll do and probably is doing already. At the moment he isn't digging his grave he's digging yours. His mother sounds like she needs to get a grip if she decides to come back.

Back at work :( Started at 0430, finishing at 1500 and meant to be leaving to go to the airport straight away. Ive already cried twice, I know I have to get a grip but its just not working. I feel very much in despair today. I feel like im being bullied to go, I havent seen DD since friday evening and am missing her painfully. She is with H at the mo, gosh knows how she is, when I left her with my father on friday night she was so poorly, really didnt want to leave her but dad reassured me it would be ok.

Im working with H's best friend/DDs godfather at the mo, and you could cut the tension with a knife, he is digging for info, keeps telling me I should go, it will be worse if I dont. H's boss has pulled me aside the last 2 days and told me dont give up hope. Nobody knows the full story here, and I know I should tell them but Im going to look bitter and twisted if I do.

Im just sat at the back of our office with my ipod on trying to not have to partake in conversation, its just me and him till 1000. To top it off im a really nervous flyer and the anxiety of flying has kicked in, not helped by working at an airport really.

I need something to come up that stops me going. Might have to leave my passport behind, although H is returning to the house whilst im away so he will probably make sure I take them, he isnt going to accept any excuse

1. Just don't go. That you don't want to is reason enough.
2. Have an honest think about what's stopping you telling people at work / your parents-in-law.

I don't understand why you can't just say "I am not going". What do you think will happen?

I dont know :( I think if I dont take DD then he will try to take her on his own, and im sorry I know he is her dad, but he hasnt got a clue how to care for her. I had to spend a small fortune getting stuff for him on friday just so he could have her last night. He has no idea what she needed. Also if he does take her to spain she will be dumped on his parents, and they dont have the best track record when it comes to have safety and security out there.

In Feb I went over there with DD and a friend. We all went to a shopping centre, MIL told friend and I to go have a wonder and she would look after DD, however we found DD in her buggy sat outside a shop alone, whilst MIL and FIL were at the back of the shop. I was horrified to say the least. Its things like that and his lack of parenting ability that frighten me, at least if I take her im not denying her seeing her grandparents, and I am in charge. I know Im going to have to let her go with him eventually but not for now, he has some proving to do

I have actually just been physically sick with worry over tonight and the upcoming week. If I dont go will he have me for unreasonable behaviour?

"If I dont go will he have me for unreasonable behaviour?"

What are you talking about? If you don't go on a holiday to stay with the parents of your husband who is - scuse my language - fucking another woman? And you are worried about being seen as unreasonable?

You are being bloody unreasonable if you do go, in my view.

You don't WANT to.

Your H has left you, for someone else. That is dreadful but the one up-side is this - you do not have to feel obliged to do anything he asks any more. He waived the "right" (not that it was ever a right) to tell you what to do when he started shagging around.

Seriously, my hearfelt advice is this. Take your DD's passport and put it in an envelope and post it to someone you trust. Second class. Then do not go tonight.

If your H decides he will take her, say that

• as you (you being your DH) have broken up this family I do not feel able to go to stay with your parents at the moment. I am too upset

• I do not want DD going out of the country without me in the circumstances. If he argues, suggest that you take legal advice after the weekend.

• if he asks for her passport, be vague. Let him look for it.

Someone else will be along in a moment with better advice. But for God's sake, do not do this because he tells you to.

Have you told a single person in real life that the reason you are splitting up is because he's been unfaithful to you? You have to stop keeping secrets for him.

Of course you can't go to Spain and neither can your daughter.

You've obviously discovered that you've married and had a baby with an liar an abuser and a bully. That is a horrifying position to be in, but you aren't powerless, you can start taking back your power. Is there one person in real life who will be on your side?

Also worrying you look "bitter" just because you tell people the reason you've split up is because he's found someone else is crazy. Tell people. If you need to find a way to say it say "Yes, h and I have split up. He's been having an affair with her throughout our marriage, and he wants to be with her. It's very sad, but life will go on."

Is your dd back with you yet. I can't believe you let him have her actually. He's not doing it because he cares, he's doing it to control you and to put on a show of being a "caring" father. A real caring father wouldn't have been having sex with another woman whilst his wife was looking after their 16 month old baby.

I have just read this thread, and am shaking my head in disbelief: he's really done a number on you hasn't he hun? Why do you allow this twunt to control you? What gives him or his family the right to demand that you visit GPs? Why above all, are you covering for him and making excuses for him?

You need to put yourself first. What screams out from your messages love is that you put his needs, his parents needs, even his work colleagues above yourself. And this needs to change right here, right now.

He needs to own his shitty behaviour. You say OW is young and beautiful. Like you're justifying him having the affair. YOU ARE WRONG! He chose to cheat, he decided to break his marriage vows. You are blaming yourself for him straying - why? He's a grown man, an adult and the responsibility is his. NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT.

Stop covering for him. Stop making excuses for him. Tell everyone who listens the truth. Don't get on the plane. Even a colleague is trying to make you go?! What the hell for?

If it's got to the stage where colleagues are advising you, and you are taking on board their advice - then they need the full story. They need to know what he is, what he's done and that you won't stand for it.

He's manipulative, that's obvious. Stop playing his games. Just stop. The worst thing that will happen is that he'll spit his dummy out because you're not playing any more. Good. His mum might fly over - let her. Tell her to go see her son and get the full story from him, or you'll tell her.

And as for divorce - you can start proceedings tomorrow. Unreasonable behaviour "I don't love you anymore" - that's enough.

Stop making excuses for him, stop crying, get angry, and tell everyone the truth. And that truth is you deserve so much more. So go get it.

X

OK my dear. This twunt is getting on my nerves. I know that you are scared of being labelled 'unreasonable' but I think you are being too reasonable. I also wonder if you think that you are denying DD an opportunity to see her grandparents and that is another reason you are making yourselves go.

I would say. Firstly, this is all so raw at the moment chick. You are putting yourself in a very vulnerable position by going. In laws are not supportive to you and you are going to feel alone and isolated, with pressure from them. I'm sure they won't be nasty, but you're going to get the 'he's so perfect, why not give it another shot' pressure 24/7. You have very justified reasons not to trust them with DD.

Why not suggest that in laws come here to see her? Either that or go out there another time when things have calmed down a lot and you can organise someone to come with you to provide support for you (like me I will happily come with you).

How is DD now? Is she still unwell? An ear infection is a VERY good reason not to get on a plane.......... Could your parents get in with you on this? If need be, my DD (OP's DD's little best friend) could magically contract a very contagious illness. If your DD is with H I can ring him to tell him that he needs to get her to your parents so that she can see a Dr. Or something..... As a matter of interest, what DO your parents think about you going?

Stay strong. I know your reasons for thinking you need to go are complex, but put simply, if you are not in a good place, if you are feeling vulnerable and unhappy, then that is going to be the biggest impact on DD. I personally think you need to be where you have the support of your family and friends.

Whatever you decide, I am here for you, always at the end of the phone.

P.S.Telling the truth will not make you seem bitter and twisted, not in the slightest. OW is not beautiful, not IMO. I've only seen a picture, but she obviously has no morals and that makes someone very ugly. You are a beautiful gentle soul lady. You don't deserve any of this.

Ladylou. Whether you go to spain or not - it seems you're determined to stay in a place called DENIAL.

This man does not love you. He has cheated on you, lied to you, put your career in jeopardy (it's always the woman who gets the shit end of the stick career wise when work relationships sour). And all of this with a young baby.

He is a disgrace & the world should know it. Firstly though, you have to accept that this is really happening. Open your eyes. You need to take care of yourself and your child. Him & his family are history now. You owe him NOTHING.

Incidentally, just read a bit of a thread you posted some months back about your lying spouse/hard porn/rumours of cheating. OMG you have to leave him. You will be so much better off without him.

You need to start fighting for yours and your daughter's future. Tell evetyone including your ex that you know about the OW. Fight for your share of the house and assets and tell the in laws what a shit their son is.

Ladylou

• Don't go into work. Call in sick.

• If you're taking holiday, take it, but do not go to Spain.

• When the holiday leave is over, get yourself signed off work again (stress). Start looking for another job not working with his relatives - anything, cleaning, anything.

• You do not have to go to Spain.

• You do not have to let h take your dd to Spain, you have the right to refuse he takes her out of the country. Get yourself some proper legal advice. You can get that from a family law solicitor or CAB. Eventually it might be that he will be able to take her away on holidays, but for right now you can put obstacles in his way.

• Tell people he's cheated on you. You won't look bitter, it will explain everything and you will get sympathy & understanding & support.

I reckon you should get dd and go off somewhere safe (do you have any relatives or friends of your own?) and just spend a few days getting your head together.

Also ask yourself why you think his family thinking you're bitter is worse than what is happening now?

Hope you're OK LadyLou.

Were in spain, :-( most likely going to transfer my flight to come early. The in laws are not talking about it at all which i'm finding harder than them talking about it. I wanted to get off the plane as soon as we got on it. Bil kept my passport the whole time. I'm so stupid.

Your BIL kept hold of your passport?
Are you KIDDING???

Why in the name of everything rational are you allowing yourself to be treated like a piece of your IL's property? Why did you not demand your passport back from your wretched BIL??

This may sound harsh, but you need to get a grip of yourself and this situation. FAST.

Agree with Squitten
you are allowing yourself to be manipulated by everyone.
Time to stop being a push over and grow a bit of backbone

Sorry this is harsh but you are behaving like a child and you owe it to your DC to grow up,

GROW A PAIR!

You are a grown up who has been shat upon from a great height and you are letting people carry on doing it!

You should not have gone to Spain but now that you have you TELL EVERYONE WHAT IS GOING ON!

NOW.

How can they support you when they do not know what is going on?

There is NO WAY on this earth I would EVER take my boys to see my MIL on my own to Italy esp if DH TOLD ME TOO!

I am fuming on your behalf and-a-little-with-the-OP

I hope you have strong minded, supportive friends in RL to encourage you to stand up for yourself (and your kids)

OP, you could call the police. Your BIL has no right to keep your passport. If they are keeping your passport from you and not letting you leave, they are breaking the law.

You have to stop being so passive. Start getting yourself help, start standing up for yourself.

If you don't want to be there, get your passport, get your dd and damned well go.