Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

When do the tears stop? Cheating H

141 replies

Ladylou83 · 11/10/2011 13:30

Its been 4 weeks now since I started to discover the truth abouting my cheating H, and I feel like I should be ok now, but the truth is I cant stop crying. I want to not cry, as I fear its not helping my 16m DD, but everytime I do something, see something, think something there always seems to be a link to him.

The last 4 1/2 years have all been for nothing, and I cant my head round the fact that its all been false and lies. I have people in RL who have offered a shoulder, but a) they think I should be coping now b) they are linked to him, and I dont feel I can confide in them, I just dont know who to trust anymore.

OP posts:
KCEHNR · 17/10/2011 22:06

There's only 1 reason BIL would want your passport. Can you work it out?

Ladylou83 · 17/10/2011 22:23

I have my passport and dd's passport back. Im coping at the mo, I have my bank card and know how to change my flight home if I need too.

I will tell mil and fil, bil now knows

I know I need to grow a pair thank you

OP posts:
KCEHNR · 17/10/2011 22:34

Just book your flight home and come home. There's no point talking through DH's infidelity with them. What do you hope to achieve?

Just realise that no matter how tragic your story is - blood is thicker than water and they may not care how badly he has treated you.

I'm concerned that by taking your passport BIL has indicated they are going to try to keep you/DD in the country. Get your child out of there.

thunderboltsandlightning · 18/10/2011 08:33

Come home. You have to take your power back here. We will support you. It's not much but it's better than what's being offered to you by your in-laws.

Who are these fucking people who take your passport. That is absolutely outrageous and appalling.

There's no "if you need to" about coming home. You need to. Now. Otherwise you are going to be at these people's mercy forever.

thunderboltsandlightning · 18/10/2011 08:35

Is there anybody back home you can phone to tell them what is going on? Do you have any support whatsoever?

thunderboltsandlightning · 18/10/2011 08:35

Bunch of fucking bullies. You're dealing with bullies. Not people who you have to obey. People you have to resist and avoid.

Ladylou83 · 18/10/2011 20:29

I do have my family in rl and one of the pp is a very dear friend in rl too who have been very supportive

OP posts:
thunderboltsandlightning · 18/10/2011 21:09

Have you told them what's happened and where you are Ladylou. Do they know that your bil took your passport?

Ladylou83 · 19/10/2011 13:32

Bil knows but mil and fil are yet to be told. I dont know how to tell them tbh. They haven't mentioned it once. I'm ready to come home now but dd is having a brilliant time, and were due to leave on friday night anyway. So just going to suffer and put up with it as dd happy and thats all that matters. I'll just keep playing dot to dot with my mozies bites. I have got mine and dd ppassport on me

OP posts:
buzzskeleton · 19/10/2011 14:58

What are you going to do when you get home?

thunderboltsandlightning · 19/10/2011 17:45

I'm asking if the people who support you in real life know what's going on here. Who cares what the bullies know. I hope you never have anything to do with them after this.

As long as your dd is happy isn't all that matters. She needs a secure and happy mother and you're neither at the moment. This isn't the time for false martyrdom on her behalf. You need to stand up to these bullies.

Collision · 19/10/2011 19:40

'I really need to talk to you as I feel that I am not being represented fairly in this situation. I know it is really difficult for you to hear this but DH has not told you the whole truth. The truth is that he has been having an affair since we got married. He does not want you to know but why should you not know?

He has done this > and this > and I feel this > and I just really need your support.

I do not want DD not to have a relationship with you and look how happy she is here but it is time you knew the truth and how broken hearted I am................'

means fill in the blanks

Ladylou83 · 21/10/2011 07:43

Thank goodness its friday. Flight leaves tonight. Will be home for 0330ish. I've been struggling to get on here as always seem to have someone looking over my shoulder, also think bil or fil have looked at mn as it had changed position in the history. I've deleted it now and am on my phone. As soon as i'm back home and dd is sleeping I will fill you in. The anger has kicked in!

OP posts:
BBandthedestroyer · 21/10/2011 13:38

I'm glad that your 'experience' in Spain has helped you to take stock, hopefully your anger can be useful to you. I hope you will get your bum over to mine ASAP I have Brew and [hbiscuit] and we can get your new life started. (DD's entertaining each other while we get to sit drinking coffee is an added bonus).

You are going to be confident and happy and we (or rather you - with a little goading from me) are going to kick his cheating controlling backside into touch.

I'm glad you've managed to survive the week, I know it hasn't been easy and BIL and FIL are just plain cretinous if they've been checking up on you - especially as BIL knows what H has done. Next time you have to see them i'll come with you (I'm still dying to BF my toddler in front of your soon-to-be-ex MIL)!

Ladylou83 · 22/10/2011 21:37

Well Im home, and the tears are flowing again :(

OP posts:
clam · 23/10/2011 00:46

Why? Because you're home? Or because of the stress of the trip away? Or that you've returned to an empty house?

izzywhizzysfritenite · 23/10/2011 02:16

And as Im not starting divorce proceedings for another 2 weeks I thought I would just let him keep digging his grave

You don't need any more evidence of his adultery. He's dug his grave - and all you have to do is apply your foot to his arse, kick him into the pit, and bury him.

You talked about damage limitation at work. Easy peasy. When you're next due at work, glam yourself up, march in with your head held high, call a meeting of your colleagues. and say words to the effect of:

"It has come to my attention that there has been some recent speculation about me. I've asked you to attend this meeting so that I can inform you that I recently discovered that my h (name), who was two-timing me with (her name) before our wedding, resumed his affair with her shortly after our marriage and has also had liaisons with various women he has met through internet dating sites over the past couple of years.

Needless to say I will be divorcing (his name) on the grounds of his adultery and I trust that this clears up any idle gossip that may currently be circulating about my situation. Thank you for your attendance.

If you don't feel up to calling a meeting, type out the above, print it out, and make sure that everyone in your workplace (except him) receives a copy - rest assured that it isn't libellous as you are simply telling the truth.

Ladylou83 · 23/10/2011 11:38

Whilst i've been away the rumour mill at work has been in action so there is no need for me to worry about telling people. I think the enormity of the situation has hit home. I'm alone, because I wasn't enough, he only loves his dd enough to see her every 3weeks, I have to make a decision on the house and follow through with it. It all feels very bleak

OP posts:
Charbon · 23/10/2011 11:48

No.

You're alone because he wasn't good enough.

I'm struggling to understand why you're being so passive about controlling the information about what's happened to you. You have nothing to be ashamed of and this is no reflection on you.

You will feel so much better once you start telling everyone the unvarnished truth. Please do that.

clam · 23/10/2011 11:49

I think it's time you got angry.

catsrus · 23/10/2011 12:15

You're alone because he's a liar! Would you have started a relationship with him if you'd known the full story? He lied, you were deceived - learn a lesson and take control of your life and move on. You were the victim of a scam, not nice, so you doubt your judgment now - but your future judgment will be informed by this experience, you'll have learnt something valuable. I seem to recall reading that most successful entrepreneurs have at least one failed business behind them - which taught them so much about what you need to do to succeed!

This is not your fault but you have to deal with the consequences - which from your posts on here I would say you are perfectly able to do! Of course you'll have your wobbly moments - but you will come through this stronger and build a new life for you and dd.

Ladylou83 · 23/10/2011 23:38

No I wouldnt have started a relationship if I had known the full story, stupidly I beleived him when he said nothing was going on. I am starting to feel angry now, with the assitance of the muse CD in my car, im getting there.

Im defo not protecting him anymore, I havent told people, but enough people know for the news to be spreading. Im letting them do the work for me. I didnt tell his parents, as the moment never arose. His brother now knows fully what has happened, and im sure he will have told them, his parents were strangely cold the last few days so I guess that he told them.

Spain was hard, worth it for seeing DD enjoy GP company alone, however im glad I dont have to do it again unless I choose too. There werent horrible, they just werent anything. They didnt talk of it at all, its like they hadnt even known. They were aware of the online dating, but not the adultery, but as I say they will most likely know now.

STBXH said yesterday that he will only be having DD 1 in every 3 weekends, which I feel is very poor. He had originally said he wants her every other weekend, but clearly his social life gets in the way of DD.

Im meant to be moving out of the house on wednesday, but I dont want to, its DDs home, its where she feels safe and happy, and all she knows. I want to tell him im not leaving the house, but I havent got the guts to do so. I want to tell him that I expect him to pay half the mortgage (he is named on it and the deeds). I cant afford it by myself, but I dont think DD should have to loose her home because of that. He thinks at the moment that he is moving back on thursday (his 30th birthday - mid life crisis??), and that he is going to get a lodger to occupy DDs room, and then that the house will be sold in a years time when the market is better. However, his boss pulled me aside and told me that he has no intention of letting the house be sold. Ok so his boss could be lying, but why would he tell me that. His boss also let on that H spent last week drunk, and that he is thin ice at work, and that I shouldnt trust him to keep up with the mortgage.

I can afford the house by myself, if im careful, as my tax credits are based on last year and I was on maternity pay so they are slightly higher, but as of April they will be at a lower level because of my returning to work, and that whats worries me, suddenly not be able to afford it.

Also by staying i'll be away from the support of my family, which has been invaluable. I know the answer in what legally I should do lies with the solicitor, but I cant get an appointment, and I need to act very quickly. He has DD tonight (which makes me feel sick to the core, I agree he needs to make more effort her, but I miss her so much, especially after seeing that awful video of the little girl in China, I just want her near). He will dropping her over on his way to work 2moro morning at 9am, and I need to confront him on it :(

OP posts:
BalloonSlayer · 24/10/2011 08:36

Glad you are getting angry.

More experienced and knowledgeable people than I should be along in a while but I strongly feel that you MUST NOT move out of the house on Wednesday. Apart from the obvious question of Why The Fuck Should You? it is your DD's home and she should not be deprived of it. It is your STBXH's duty and responsibility to help provide a home for her until she is 18.

You need to see a solicitor for legal advice URGENTLY. I don't know what you mean about "can't get an appointment." Go to another one. This is your life, your home, your DD's home, you need to get cracking.

If you can't see a solicitor by Wednesday I would suggest you tell your EX that you are not moving out until you have taken legal advice as you have been "told by many people it's the wrong thing to do." However, I don't think you will stand up to him just like that, as you have done everything else he has asked. You may stand up to him with a solicitor on your side. Please PLEASE PLEASE get on the phone now and ring every one in your town till you get one who can see you today.

BalloonSlayer · 24/10/2011 08:42

His boss also let on that H spent last week drunk, and that he is thin ice at work, and that I shouldnt trust him to keep up with the mortgage.

This means the possible, even likely, scenario of:

  • you move out
  • he loses his job
  • he can't pay mortgage
  • bank repossess house
  • you lose all your equity in house

If you stay in the house:

  • he has to contribute financially towards keeping a roof over his daughter's head
  • you can afford the mortgage yourself anyway even if he fails in this duty (CSA, CSA, CSA)
  • your DD has less upheaval
  • so do you, you've been through enough
  • OK so you might be earning less by next April but by then all sorts of other factors might have come into play: new job, payrise, a lodger?, divorce settlement
Ladylou83 · 24/10/2011 09:33

He dropped off dd, having not fed her at all this morning. I said to him I want to see last months direct debits, by the end of the day. He asked if i'm thinking of staying, said maybe, but it would mean you pay half the mortgage. He totally went off on one, started shouting at me infront of dd. Told him that he wouldn't have to pay maintenance for dd. Continued shouting, threw something to floor and stormed out without even saying goodbye to dd which sent her into tears. I was strong but it being so dd is upset

OP posts: