When do the tears stop? Cheating H

[Ladylou83]

Its been 4 weeks now since I started to discover the truth abouting my cheating H, and I feel like I should be ok now, but the truth is I cant stop crying. I want to not cry, as I fear its not helping my 16m DD, but everytime I do something, see something, think something there always seems to be a link to him.

The last 4 1/2 years have all been for nothing, and I cant my head round the fact that its all been false and lies. I have people in RL who have offered a shoulder, but a) they think I should be coping now b) they are linked to him, and I dont feel I can confide in them, I just dont know who to trust anymore.

Have you reported him to the police?

I think people think you are taking no notice of their advice and that's why they have stopped responding to your posts.

I imagine packing up your life must be depressing and heartbreaking.

You need to get legal advice BEFORE you do anything.

That is the 1 thing you MUST MUST do before you move out.

You need to know what the implications are to moving out and I mean REALLY KNOW not second guess because of what someone on here or a mate says.

Dont unpack if you dont want to but please dont move out until you have proper legal advice. Once you have gone it may be too late.

Regardless of staying or going you need to report the fraud too.

I agree with MadaboutHotchoc.

it seems that you ignore the sensible advice you've been given and just keep on going ahead putting yourself in a very weak position. There is no way you can cry foul if you do nothing to actually help yourself. You're not winning any moral high ground here.

I'm so impressed that you are in a position to support yourself financially with a 16 month old. You have choices because of that - wherever you live and wherever you work you know that you are doing the very best you can for you and your dd. You need to be proud of what you've achieved and hold onto that.

In the meantime don't make life easy for stbxh. He needs locking up for forging the mortgage document and I'm shocked that the mortgage company havn't pursued him.

Keep your chin up, you're doing fantastically well.

You are not talking to yourself love, but I can see why people have shied away from responding to you

it is almost like this whole thread has been a monologue, not a 2-way process

I hope you are ok, I really don't understand some of the choices you have made, but of course, you don't have to explain yourself here

it can be difficult to reply in a helpful manner though, when that is the case

take care x

The reason the mortgage company hasn't pursued him is because they aren't the victim of the fraud and it's not worth their resources if the real victim does nothing. Leaving it up to the perpetrator to right this wrong is absolute madness, but that's what the OP has done.

I agree with Mad therefore.

I assure you ladies, that I do value your words, advice and encouragement. Even if I dont feel like im coping, somehow you ladies do see it and it gives me some strength to carry on.

I understand how it may look that im not taking your advice onboard but I assure you I am, if Im not actively acting on it now, I certainly am thinking of acting on it. Yes I havent reported him to the police yet, and yes I havent outed him at work, but as I say in pp, I dont want to keep crossing the lines between work and personal life, its bad enough we both work here without everyone watching us like a soap opera. I havent reported him yet because I want to know the what the consequences are for him if I do so. I am started to loath the ground that he slugs across, but I dont want him to loose his job, or have DD disrespect me when she is older because 'mummy told on daddy'. He needs that job to provide for DD at some point.

The solicitor I met when this all started has advised me of my rights if I leave the house, and he didnt object to me wanting to go either. When my legal aid starts with him, we are aiming for a 'clean break' order. STBXH and I dont have any savings, only debts, and the house. The house we only brought 3 years ago, it has gained some value but only 10k at the most, so we dont have a lot to battle over. With us (soc & I) aiming for a clean break order, if I dont move now, I will end up eventually having to move, DD has been through enough recently, I may as well move us now to be close to (well actually 14ish doors away) family, than disturb her again when the house does sell.

I just really wanted to say, I am still reading x

Thank you :)

I think the problem is, is that I still love him, even though he has caused all this pain and hurt, and until I love him less or not at all, Im scared to act.

I know in my heart we'll never be back together

You love what you thought he was

He doesn't love you

Get your head around that (as difficult as it is) and you will be half way there

You can still love an abuser, and that is what he is

It brings nothing to your life now though, but pain and confusion

You need help, RL help, to process this and move on

Or you risk throwing much, much more of your life away to a man that never, ever deserved it

I see a counsillor every tuesday. I started seeing her because of confidence issues but now its turned to dealing with all of this.

LadyL You're in between a rock and a hard place and my heart goes out to you. My XH also forged my signature without my knowledge and went off to a different country with the proceeds of the remortgage. I didn't have a clue until I received a letter from Building Society about arrears on mortgage (which I thought was about to be paid off after 26 years). No-one would help (police, building society, solicitor, etc.) and our home was re-possessed eventually. Unfortunately, building society sold it for a shortfall in value and various agencies came after me for discrepancy in value; I couldn't even afford to put myself into bankruptcy, an option which had been put forward. Did not qualify for council housing for me and three children as, apparently, I had agreed to the terms of the suspended re-possession order - I wasn't even present at court! Sorry! Am getting it off my chest!

Just make sure that this does not happen to you!

Ladylou you really do need to start seeing things differently.

Behaving like a doormat who lets people confiscate her passport, order her on holiday when she doesn't want to go, distort the truth and make up lies about her sexual morals and then defraud her, is just about the worst example you could set your daughter. Do you really want to teach her that it's a good thing to turn a blind eye to criminality, or for a woman to let others treat her so badly?

Your last posts are nearer to the truth here, because not wanting to air your dirty laundry at work just doesn't explain your inertia in other areas i.e. with the ILs and friends.

So you are saying that you won't act while you still love him. Please, for your own sake and that of your daughter's, put that love to one side now and love the pair of you more. Your husband doesn't love you, that much is clear, but you can fall out of love with someone and still treat that person with dignity and kindness. He is instead treating you like mud on his shoe and what's worse is you're allowing him to.

Don't let him get away with disrespecting you even more with your doormat behaviour. If you're going to co-parent with this jerk, you need to set up boundaries right now about how you expect to be treated, otherwise he will ruin what's left of your life and continue to give your daughter terrible role models of adult behaviour.

So what if he loses his job because of his fraudulent activity? Did you really think he'd play fair with child support anyway? You've got to start thinking of this man as your bitter enemy, who will shaft you without a backward look.

Hi Lady,
I agree with Charbon. PLEASE stop being dictated to and don't move out. People were always saying to me well it's good your in the house because he has to provide a roof over the head of your child. Obviously everyone's circumstances are different but this is why you MUST speak to a solicitor, it is vital.
Come on girl, be strong, fight back, be angry, use your anger. This is the rest of your life you could be fighting for, don't just roll over and let him treat you like shit!

I moved out, but do you know, Im glad I did. I miss where we lived and our little house but, Im starting to be able to emotionally detach myself from him now because im not in 'our home'. Im starting to settle DD into a nice little routine, she has more contact with her aunt and my parents and loves it, and is in an area where there are more toddler friendly things to do. I have a written agreement with him, signed by us and witnesses as to the split on the house and when it will be sold (April 2012).

H is still lacking as far as DD goes, he has seen her twice in 4 weeks, 3hrs in total across the 2 visits, the second visit he took her to the pub and then rang to say he wanted to bring her home as he was doing me a favour by having her in the 1st place. Its not ok, but I will continue to ask him everyweek when is he planning on seeing her next as I would like her to have contact with him, but im not going to go to the effort I have done in the past to make it happen. I can stand up to him now and do so when is nessesary.

Im having days that aren't great, but im having more that are good. Im finding it tough to go back to where we lived to see friends, but I'll get there with that one. I havent seen my counsiller for a few weeks because she has been on leave and courses, but that is due to start again in 2 weeks. Im actually looking forward to being able to go in there and talk about it rather than cry about it, I may even actually show a few signs of making progress.

Its strange, but for the 1st time I can actually write on here with a little smile, things are getting better, they are still a long way off the ideal, but DD and I will get there.

Thank you for all your support over the last few months, your words of wisdom have been so helpful in dark times :)

The research says 2 years +. And that is ONLY when he does everything he can to make it right. Like, be aware of what he has done, and not protect himself from your hurt ('my feelings are more important than yours')

4 weeks is nothing.