When do the tears stop? Cheating H

[Ladylou83]

Its been 4 weeks now since I started to discover the truth abouting my cheating H, and I feel like I should be ok now, but the truth is I cant stop crying. I want to not cry, as I fear its not helping my 16m DD, but everytime I do something, see something, think something there always seems to be a link to him.

The last 4 1/2 years have all been for nothing, and I cant my head round the fact that its all been false and lies. I have people in RL who have offered a shoulder, but a) they think I should be coping now b) they are linked to him, and I dont feel I can confide in them, I just dont know who to trust anymore.

are you hoping if you keep it all under wraps for him, it will fizzle out with OW, thus enabling him to walk right back into your bed with no problems from family/friends ?

you see, somebody that goes for a break to get their head toether (eg) is looked at much more favourably than someone who dumps their partner for another model, generally

please examine your motives here, OP

this is doing you no good at all, IMO

I just wanted to keep gathering the evidence against him with the adultery. The Which guide said that as he doesnt want a legal seperation, if he seeing someone now it counts towards adultery, right up until the day we are divorced. And as Im not starting divorce proceedings for another 2 weeks I thought I would just let him keep digging his grave

Ok now im confused

Just divorce him

You don't need a reason to do it

If the idea of getting away and letting someone else take care of DD appeals then say to him that you are prepared to go, but expect either him to tell his parents and brother or you will when you get there.
Then you have options: go and say you are really upset and could do with lots of grandparently support while you begin to lick your wounds and hope they understand that you are happy for them to see DD but expect some hands on help and time off.
He will either be aghast and tell you not to go, you can use the ticket or have a holiday with DD here or somewhere else.
He will take DD to avoid upset - so you get time to yourself.
Grandparents take this on board, understand that you are doing absolute best to keep them involved in DDs life and support you.
In all events you are not having to cover up for him.
Does BiL know btw, what is his attitude likely to be?
Re the grief: it's horrible, it's debilitating, and drains you of all energy, so not much fun. It goes in cycles so use the good bits to do stuff and don't worry about the downs. You will get there in your own time, but you will get there. Reading threads on here helps I found.
Good luck

Unreasonable behaviour covers a multitude of sins. Fucking off and saying he doesn't love you anymore could be desertion or unreasonable, I'd have thought. If you've got some evidence already of the cheating, that'll do as well. You don't need to keep playing along.

Don't continue this game - you'll get a huge amount more support from people in RL if the truth is told, and you need it.

D'you knw what though? I'd be changing the old locks on the matrimonial drum before I jumped on any plane at his insistence!

He is getting the house for now (or at least the shell of it, because im getting most of the furniture), and I am moving back to my hometown as I need the support of my family to be able to continue working and provide what I can for DD. Solicitor is going to push for a clean break order though, so he will need to buy me out and be prepared to sell.

The twunt (this is how I will forever refer to him from now), has just text saying I dont love you, but I do care....WTF!!! Just piss off and leave me alone, you've fucked me and DD over now let me carry on picking up the pieces. In the last 4 weeks he has made an effort to see DD once, and although she is only 16m, she has taken things not too well, made worse by the fact that 4 teeth have decided to make an appearance at once.

Sorry Im crying again, I just cant do this

So sorry love

You can do this

You have to, because what is the alternative

You can make a lovely new life for you and dd and when you have got over the grief of this one

Thousands of women do it every year...and look back and wonder why they let thmselves get so low over a man

he's just a man...and not even a good man

Sweetheart you CAN do this. And you will. Even though at times it will feel like the sky is falling on your head, you have reserves of emotional strength that Twunty McTwunterson doesn't even know he could wish for.

Start telling people about the OW, get some real-life support, and be gentle to yourself. It will take time but you will do it, for you and your DD.

Aw, poor you. Teething baby on top of it.

Time to get angry. He is a twunt, and he is tootling along thinking he's getting away with it and he won't have to accept responsibility for the break-up, other than the "it just wasn't working/fell out of love" crapola. I suspect hitting him in his reputation will give him a few twinges.

Get angry and get even.

Tell anyone who is prepared to listen that your absolute shit of a husband has never been faithful to you, has been with the same OW since before your marriage and has been cheating on BOTH of you on dating sites.

This strategy will result in him ending up with no-one but his right hand for company, hence he will live up to his name.

Oh dear you are making this worse for yourself i think by the game playing.
Do you see this as a definate break up or a blip cos if its for good then just tell the truth get a divorce and move on.Dont waste anymore of your precious life on covering it all up for whatever reason.
At the moment he has it all how it suits him,change that and take control and your origional question will be answered sooner rather than later.
I promise you i was physically floored by my dh cheating but my friends picked me up and gave me a stiff talking to,i had 4 dc's one only 8 months,a tough job and a big mortgage and had recently finished chemo. Once id had my wallow and then enforced a no contact rule for myself i slowly began to re build my life.
I went out with friends and laughed like i hadnt for years.
I got chatted up and remembered i was pretty.
I bought new clothes and had my hair cut and felt even better.
I saved my child bebfit and took the chidren on an inexpensive holiday to spain where we ate too much swam till late and slept late.
I was cared to be alone on holiday but was soon walking around with my little army behind me with brown bodies and white bums and i told anyone who listened that i was on my own with them cos i felt so proud.
We didnt have to stay in the bar drinking-for a man.
We didnt have to have endless excursions-for a man.
I could talk to whom i liked without being accused of flirting-by a man.
It was a revelation.
The following year i rented a house in India and took them all there
I am a different person these days.I have done so many great things and have the most amazing friends.My children are all close to me and admire me greatly.I kept our home,my job and became a strong confident woman.
I am so glad it happened,i really am.I shudder to think what id have been doing now.
Let it go,concentrete on re building your and your daughters future.
Build in some fun times and long term plans/goals.
Allow yourself time to grieve and heal too but dont get stuck in his life cos you are out of it now.

My divorce didnt help me with my typing however

For the love of God, don't go to Spain!

Send the in-laws a kind message along the lines of: "I am of course desperate for DD to have a good relationship with you over the years, and will do all I can to make that happen. However, right at this moment your house is totally the wrong place for me to be because of Twunt's behaviour. I should find it far too difficult. I know you'll understand. Lots of love, Talk soon, Ladylou xxx"

Bledkr, you are fabulous You sound so proud of yourself and you have every reason to be. I'm really happy for you!

'my little army behind me with brown bodies and white bums' - too cute!

Thankyou,thats so kind

bledkr for prime minister...

As opposed to peter andre you mean?Gosh,i must get working on my abs and tan!

I start work in just over 4 hours, sigh!!! The day I have dreaded. I saw friends tonight who said there is alot being said behind my back. I dont know if im glad they have told me or not

Tell people the truth Ladylou, that's all - and don't forget the dating site stuff because that is bound to cause trouble in paradise. You've got nothing to be ashamed of and you should hold your head up high.

Good luck love. Tomorrow's a big hurdle to get through, but make sure you have a treat ready for tomorrow night.

So sorry "OP" but don't do what I did! In my anger and fury on discovering that my beloved P had been cheating for several years, I went mad! Ended up in trouble for harassment with police as I had contacted members of OW's family on FB. Good luck - hope that you find a peaceful resolution!

Don't worry Lady, just walk in with your head held high. You've done nowt wrong. Hope it goes brilliantly!

ladylou you havent done anything wrong,he is the one who should feel embarrassed.
When the truth is out there it will be him who is talked about,people arent too keen on a cheat,good luck.

How are you feeling now? I was so grateful to MN for everything; hope that it works for you, too! Best wishes.