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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I really need some honest advice please.

395 replies

uknowme · 27/10/2003 01:19

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M2T · 14/11/2003 23:41

Uknowme - could it just be the alcohol thinking for you? I know it kinda puts rose-tinted glasses on things.

How's your DH been whilst awake? has he shown any real remorse yet?
I really feel for you, but be strong. You're original instincts to leave were correct in my opinion.
I'm tipsy too BTW....

uknowme · 14/11/2003 23:44

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wobblyknicks · 14/11/2003 23:50

uknowme - I felt exactly the same and in a lot of ways still do. Even now I would love to be able to get into bed with him, have him tuck the baby up and just snuggle to sleep. Except I know that's not the way it would really be. It would really end up in me having to settle the baby, even if I was exhausted, then getting into bed only to have a discussion that lasted hours and ended up making me feel lousy.

Yes, things can seem good sometimes and that's what you really miss when you end the relationship. But if you know that those times are false, what good does it do you in the end? I still miss the times we had together that seemed good but when I think about all the lies, guilt-trips, cruelness, deceit, loneliness etc that I had to take, even the 'good times' were obviously fake.

Problem is that life is never easy and doing the right thing doesn't mean it feels good. But at least now I know I'm living the life I want to live and basing my life on truth, instead of constantly having the rug pulled from under me by being deceived.

It hasn't been a week yet since I left DH, this week has been lousy because I've had dd to look after, I've had flu, had DH to see and had to deal with all the practical stuff like solicitors. So naturally it's all getting me down a bit but I still feel really hopeful, knowing that I'm not in constant danger of being verbally or physically attacked and that things can and will only get better from here.

Decide how YOU want your life to be like and do everything you can to achieve that. If that means changing everything, it's what you should do.

saintshar · 14/11/2003 23:52

Hey, uknowme.
drink does strange things to people. It is bringing the side out of you that remembers the good times you have had with h, and the side that wants to forget that one incident and pretend it never happened.
You still love him, don't you? That is part of what is making it so hard.
By-the-way, my e-mail isn't working at the mo - i will mail you when it gets better.

wobblyknicks · 14/11/2003 23:53

Also, I always felt like everything seemed better a few days later, which has only led to me leaving 3 times in the last 2 months. Things don't get better, you just make yourself adjust to things being worse and worse until it just gets harder and harder to pull yourself out. Get out of the situation, get some space and if it still all seems right to you in a few months, or however long you need, then at least you'll be sure. DOn't do what I did and get conned over and over again into thinking things have changed for the better and trying to rationalise everything until you're letting him get away with whatever he wants.

wobblyknicks · 14/11/2003 23:54

Email me if you want to, I'll give you as much help as I can.

M2T · 14/11/2003 23:57

Unknowme - Thanks, but I've got to go now, DH wants to go to bed and our PC is in the bedroom.

I think you know that the right thing is to NOT stay with this man. It's just finding the courage to leave him that's the hard part. Wobblyknicks has great advice and up to the minute experience for you. Good luck. Happy hang over

uknowme · 14/11/2003 23:58

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saintshar · 15/11/2003 00:07

There is going to come a time when you are going to HAVE to make a desicion one way or the other - other wise you are going to drive yourself mad. You are going to have to think are you going to just go on and try to forget about it. because he wont say sorry or probably talk about it, so you can't draw a line under it. The advice about saying to your h that maybe you need a little time to sort your heads out, and then see how you feel when you are out of the situation, sounds the best idea to me.
That way you wont feel you are taking such a big jump. But it is the pracicalities of it all which makes it difficult.

uknowme · 15/11/2003 00:11

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saintshar · 15/11/2003 00:15

What do you meen "compared to real domestic violence?" You see, he is having the desired effect. Making you think that it wasn't that bad. If it wasn't "real violence" then why can you not stop thinking about it?
You haave woke me up now and made me MAD. Not at you, but the way he is making you.
YOU DID NOTHING WRONG, OK?

uknowme · 15/11/2003 00:27

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saintshar · 15/11/2003 00:31

You know what i mean, i was just sat here slouched in my chair...and what you said made me sit up.
I will stay up a bit longer if you want to chat? DH has gone to bed. ZZZZZzzzzzzz!!

uknowme · 15/11/2003 00:34

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saintshar · 15/11/2003 00:37

You haven't bored anyone. I am having a lie-in in the morning, so no worries.
Do you let him go to bed before you every night? Has he tried it on with you since? Sorry to be so blunt...

wobblyknicks · 15/11/2003 00:37

uknowme - you sound so much like me that it is literally scaring me! What you have been through is very VERY real domestic violence! Don't be kidded into thinking it was nothing. I used to think I was making a fuss about nothing, because I suffered mainly emotional abuse. But both are very serious and nothing to be ignored.

Don't be fooled into thinking everything should be ignored - it shouldn't. That's what I did for too long, just disregarding everything and making myself put up with it when there's no way I should have. You have to respect yourself and set limits on what you will put up with. If those have been crossed, you can't let him get away with it. You deserve more than that, a lot more!

wobblyknicks · 15/11/2003 00:44

I am THE official thread killer!

saintshar · 15/11/2003 00:46

As we both sit here waiting for uknowme to reply..................................

uknowme · 15/11/2003 00:46

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uknowme · 15/11/2003 00:48

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Beetroot · 15/11/2003 00:48

This reply has been deleted

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wobblyknicks · 15/11/2003 00:53

poor you - the effects of the wine!!!

Crossing the line should be one strike and he's out, how many times does he get to hurt you before you stop him? This was my problem all along. He would do something that I wouldn't tolerate but then I would make excuses and let him off. Ok, it's not guaranteed to happen again but it did to me, loads of times and I haven't heard anyone else say they ignored it and it never cropped up again!

Don't put up with it, it's far too serious for that. If you left and then decided a few months later that you were wrong to leave, you could still go back and then feel more secure in your relationship. But you need a good time apart to really see him afresh and really decide what to do.

I feel totally unstuck here, I'm giving you all the advice I used to be given and I see how good it is, but I also know that when I was so controlled by DH, it just meant nothing to me.

saintshar · 15/11/2003 00:55

It worries me that next time he does try it (and if you stay, this will happen at some point) you will just do it out of fear of the same thing happening again.

uknowme · 15/11/2003 01:00

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saintshar · 15/11/2003 01:04

Just call me Sharon!!!
Could neither of you go to a member of your family? You wouldn't have to say what happened - just that you had a bit of a fall out, and need some time apart. If there was ANYWHERE you could go, just for a short time, to get your head straight, it must be better than what you are putting up with now?

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