I really need some honest advice please.

[uknowme]

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I haven't posted before uknowme, because I couldn't really add to the great advice that you have received from everyone. So sorry you don't seem to be any nearer a conclusion at the moment. It must be a shitty weekend for you, try not to let it become a shitty life as well. Take care. xx

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Just wanted to say as well, if you ever wanted to chat with anyone from mumsnet. There is a chat room on www.raisingkids.co.uk that is nearly always empty. You just sign in and then you can go into a private chat away from the chat room. That way you wouldn't have to tell anyone who you were but you would get a chance to talk. Not trying to send people over to RK by the way, just a suggestion.

Hi Uknowme, I think about you a lot. Am worried about you too. I was in your shoes not so long ago, in fact about 2 years ago to the day.

Believe me, I've never forgotten how great it felt to be rid of that horrid atmosphere, of constantly living in fear of saying or doing the "wrong" thing and setting him off. At the time, I thought I still loved him (seems incredible now, looking back) and tried to save our relationship, until one day I'd had enough. It took quite a lot to get to that stage. I didn't want to be a single mum, I wanted us to be a happy family. Well let me tell you, it's no fun being a single mum, but it was even less fun living with my x.
I'm telling you all this, because maybe it can help you make up you mind. I fear, like others, that it will take more for you to leave or kick him out.
Also earlier you mentionned your best friend, but said she was on holidays, is she back now? I think you should tell her about what happended, don't be ashamed, it's not your fault at all. I'm sure she'll be horrified and will help you as much as she can.

Please, don't wait, IMO it will only get worse.

Sorry, I didn't express myself particularly well in my last post, but I hope you understand what I mean. (((((hugs)))))

I think uknowme, you're worried about telling friends and family because they'll tell you to leave him. And then if you don't leave him, things will look even odder. This is a very difficult situation because I can understand your reluctance to have your hand forced in this way. Do you intend to tell the relate counsellor what has happened? This might help. Although I would be careful about pinning all your hopes on having her/him sort it all out for you. I'm really sorry you're having to go through all this. Could you look at it this way: you would be doing him a favour by leaving? It can't be healthy for him to live with someone who moves him to violence. (HIS fault, not yours - I'm not defending him, there is no excuse, I'm just trying to search for another way of looking at things so that you won't feel you've deprived the family of it's father - you haven't, he has, but getting this to really sink into your consciousness is difficult).

Droile, that is such a good way to put it - it isn't good for him either to live with someone who drives him to violence. I still hope that my ex meets someone new and I am sure that he won't behave the same with them.

thanks lilibet. Now, if only I could take my own advice (minus violence) we might start getting somewhere!

Goodluck, uknowme. I hope things will seem clearer soon.... And only you can sort this problem out, no matter what kind of help we think we are giving you... Its you who has the last say... You are a strong woman, remember this... don't let anyone step on you....

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uknowme, I am so sorry this is happening to you, i can offer no advice but can send you my love and hope you find the strength to do what is right for you and your children.

Girly xx (((((hugs)))))

uknowme - hope you're ok. Going through a similar thing and left DH yesterday. Even though it's only been 24 hours now, I can already see how twisted he is and how he tried to control me and its weird. I can't believe I actually made excuses for it when I was with him. A bit of distance helps you see someone as they really are and that can make the world of difference.

Either way, I really feel for you and I hope you're doing ok.

Wow, Wobblyknicks. How very brave of you. Congratulations on making a stand. Don't feel you are alone though. You will have a lot of support. Huge good luck for your exciting new life.

aloha - thanks, I just feel sooo stupid that I didn't do it much much earlier! It's funny what I've put up with out of love when I wouldn't have done it for tons of cash!

Uknowme - Thinking of you. I really don't have any advice as I have never been in this situation before. All I can say is that it must be a huge shock for you accepting that the man you have been with for the past XX years and had your children with, could be so different to the man you originally fell in love with. Unfortunately people do change for the worse over time, and it must been hard to understand why or to blame or doubt yourself. I sincerely hope that you'll find the courage, together with the support of all the mumsnetters - especially those that have been through this - to pull through this difficult time and make the right decisions for YOU and your children.

Good luck wobblynicks, a brave move, we are all thinking of you
xx

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Just wondered how you were doing uknowme? Hope you are ok.

uknowme - in the end I left out of fear, not strength. I really wish I'd had the strength to do something a long long time ago.

The thing to remember is that life is about choice. Just because you are living one kind of life now does not mean you're obliged to do everything you can to keep living that life. If you're not happy, you owe it to yourself (and philosophically the rest of the universe!) to change it asap.

I'm the last one who should be giving advice, considering what I've put up with!!! But spend a long time thinking about how you'd feel if the person you most loved in the world was taking what you're taking, and then make yourself apply that to yourself. Don't forget there may be someone out there who loves you even more than you love yourself right now and it's not fair to them that you're letting something they love so much get treated so badly.

Sorry that I woffled a bit, after midnight I go even more mental than usual. It's just that now I'm out of my situation I can suddenly see so clearly and I'm amazed that I was so stupid before. So naturally, this results in me acting like the know-all and giving out tons of advice!!

Hope something in this helps you. And think, there's someone sitting in Cornwall who's going to be thinking of you and hoping you get what you really deserve, which is not this bad treatment. Even if you don't care what happens to you, I'm going to be on your back about it so watch out!! (god, that makes me sound like a manic stalker - promise I'm not!!!)

Wobblynicks, snap, I felt like scales had fallen off my eyes, IYSWIM, when I got out of the situation.

mammya - doesn't it just amaze you how much you put up with? It certainly did me. And now DH is still being himself, I can see how much c**p he's trying to tell me and it just shocks me that I would have taken it a couple of months ago!! Now he's the shocked one though because I won't!!!

I know, totally amazing that I put up with it for so long. Suddenly you just see his crap for what it is, and you realise that you can refuse to get drawn into it. And isn't life suddenly great? I know it's also suddenly very hard, and I hope you have very good support around you from friends and relatives, but just being free to be yourself without fear is such a change.

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