name changer with relationship problem

[sweepitundertherug]

Sorry if this is jumbled, I can think it all in my head, but getting it into words is harder!
My husband is odd with money. This is the crux of the problems. He wouldn't see that there are any problems. As far as he's concerned he pays "housekeeping" into the joint account & if I ask he'll put some more in there. He KNOWS I hate asking for money & I budget really well. Recently he put up the "housekeeping" by £50 a month. I am very aware that I don't may the mortgage/bills btw & aware we have no debts. So I am lucky in that respect.
On the money he gives I pay for everything for the 5 of us. I am quite frugal and I am not bothered by material things so in a way he doesn't realise how much real life costs. The last few months I've had heavy spends but I needed 2 full sets of uniform from scratch, 2 of the children had growth spurts & all 3 needed winter coats.
Due to new schools I have the extra expenses of school lunches daily, bus fares & extra diesel costs.
I don't have any money for me really. My clothes are tatty.
I really felt this on the weekend. We all went shopping. I got the children their winter clothes & a few bits of underwear they needed. DH spent over £200 on 2 jumpers & 2 shirts. He does his clothes from his own money btw.
I don't have enough money in my budget for anything for me.
On the drive there, DH was saying about the spending & then pointed out that my weekend away in July has been really expensive. It was £200 for me & the 3 kids. He was away with work & if he'd been around then he could have had the kids & I could have stayed with friends. As it is, I never ever do anything as I can't arrange anything due to his job & his travelling. Not to mention weekends taken up with sport when he is around. So this one time, I thought sod it, I'm going. I don't think he really liked that anyway but ffs, this weekend he's off ABROAD for a football game. Going early Sun & back late Weds. Also he's managed to arrange something without his work getting in the way.

Now, dh isn't stingy. It's hard to describe him really. If the kids need clothes, they get them & he wouldn't have me buying the clothes from cheap shops. Their clothes mainly come from Next, M&S or Debenhams. His clothes are labels with the odd basics from M&S/Debenhams.

He gave me £500 earlier in April. It's gone. Basically got some clothes for summer, jeans as all mine were wearing thin & got some creams/make up. Also if I went for lunch or something.

He earns a very good wage. But he can't wait for me to go back to work. I don't work now after having No3 as childcare would have wiped me out. I paid for childcare for the other 2 in the holidays. He says we will afford much more when I'm working. I was earning about £600pm. OK better than nothing but hardly pays the mortgage! He basically saved while I was working. He can still afford to save now btw. He is OBSESSED with saving. I appreciate he wants to save for university/old age but tbh it's at the expense of having a life now. Well, if I'm honest, it's only me that doesn't have a life. He does, he goes to football games etc...I feel bad "wanting" money as I'm taking away from my kids future.

To go back to the very start of our relationship, it was equal, we were both working & when we got the house we split the bills equally percentage wise from our wages. Then we moved abroad for his work. How naive (sp) I was. We didn't have a penny when we went over. We basically saved. All his salary when I worked & when I wasn't then we spent as little as possible. No joint accounts either. Stupidly.

We didn't have a joint account till I stopped work after dc3. I thought it would be a proper joint account but it's just an account he pays money in for me that he can keep an eye on.

Occasionally he gets voucher bonuses from work. He'll give me half but give me less housekeeping. This really annoys me but he can't see anything wrong with it.

He is hard to talk to as he has the knack of making me feel a bit stupid.

Our relationship is fine so long as I don't bring up the money issues. I did a few months ago & he said "oh you'd have us living out our older years in a council house" I was furious & really upset about that & then he claimed he was joking. I grew up in a council house btw.

I don't have expensive tastes at all. Labels mean nothing to me. I am a frugal cook. I got a sack of spuds on the weekend for £5.50. You know, I watch the pennies.

I keep all this buried & most of the time I am "happy". I feel jealous though after the weeekend. Childish I know but my kids & dh look fine & have lovely clothes. Mine get tatty & just get replaced when I can justify it.

I am sorry this is so long. I have to get this off my chest. My chest is really tight today.

Thank you for reading. Much appreciated.

I just feel the need to tell you you are equal to him and deserve to be treated with respect and courtesy and you and your children do not deserve to live like this. Get out and get out now.

sweepit - You now seem to have worked out that while you are dragged down by all this shit, your H just gets on with his life. I know. I've been where you are. And, once you weren't working, he's started treating you like a second-class citizen (worse than that), being MR. BIG. It all is set up to enable HIM to have a LIFE. This relationship is really toxic for you. I'm so sorry that you have self-harmed. Why? Because of the shit from THE KING OF THE CASTLE. And, did you say he also had an affair a while back? And, do you feel guilty about buying decent clothes for yourself?

Try comparing yourself to him. How well does he function in everyday life compared to you. Very well, I am sure. Do you feel whilst he is living life, you are just EXISTING?

He treats you not as his wife, partner and soulmate, but as a member of staff.
You know what I think, and you know where I am.
Here for you.....stay strong. xxx

pictish is right. He treats you like a live in housekeeper.

I'm so glad you've seen this nobber for what he is. As has already been said, take copies of everything you can get your hands on - bank statements, pensions stuff, insurance policies, mortgage, salary slips. Have a good look around to see if he has secret accounts too. Leave all the copies of everything with your sister, or whoever else you trust.

Most importantly, you say that you are going to use this thread as a kind of journal. That's great, but make sure he cannot access this thread. He is very likely to check your internet history since he is so controlling. Is your computer set to remember passwords etc? If it is, change it.

Do you know his pin numbers for his bank cards? If you do, or if you could find them out, I would be tempted to leave earlier than July and just clear half of 'his' accounts out as you go - it's not stealing, legally it's half yours.

He has a funny understanding of family finances. A joint account works like that: all money paid to that accout. You pay household expenses, including DC expenses from there. You both get the same sum for pocket money, that you can transfer to your separate accounts. The rest is saved.

Introduce this concept to him, would be very interesting to hear why this is not possible in your case.

I would be tempted to leave earlier than July and just clear half of 'his' accounts out as you go - it's not stealing, legally it's half yours.

I do agree with this sweep. Before anything else, though, you'll really really benefit from a talk with Womens Aid. Use somebody else's phone if it's not safe to use the landline - a friend's, school's, the doctor's or a payphone. You can leave a message with your home number and times at which it's safe to call you back.

Blimey he's really done a number on you. Good for you starting to write things down - I completely empathise with the slow awakening to what the bloody hell is this I've found myself in and you need to marshall yourself. In a week or so you'll be able to look at how all the little things piece together to pull you apart and you'll want to go quicker (but that's easy for us to say because we're not in the place you are trying to keep the edges of your life together)

Keep writing things down. Keep moving this forward you have so much strength and you will be absolutely fine once you get sorted - I'll bet a frank chat with your sister will open more doors to support than you had imagined.

Keep talking and don't for one moment think you're not being amazing to deal with this.

Pictish, you don't know how true you are when he says he treats me like a member of staff! Recently I had to remind him home was not the office & not to treat it as such.

I don't know the pin numbers for his accounts. Plus, I know I am entitled to half but I wouldn't just take it from him.

You are all very lovely to be reading & replying. I do appreciate it.

I could sob tonight. I really could. I've fucked my life up & am about to fuck up my kids lives.

Last night he said on his way up stairs that he was about to make himself a cup of tea. So I was in the kitchen so I switched the kettle on. Half the time when I'm out the kitchen he asks me to put the kettle on. Next thing "ow, I've burnt my hand on the kettle, someone has put it on". WHAT THE FUCK. Who touches the kettle anyway. Plus you can feel the kettle is hot without touching it. And there would have been steam coming out of it as it had just boiled. Now he didn't say it, but I know exactly what he is like. He didn't ask me to boil it. So I shouldn't have.

Sometimes I talk to him about stuff and he "forgets" I've spoken to him. Latest one was I wanted to go & see a friend in half term. So discussed with him. He said fine to go. So few weeks later, spoke to my friend again about it. Spoke to dh who said we had family coming up & he wasn't sure when I could go & we certainly had not discussed it. I know we discussed it. I am not that bloody stupid. I do not make up conversations in my head! He was adament that we hadn't discussed it. Anyway family coming at the start of hols so was ok to go & see friend at the end of the week. I'm not going now though as she's poorly. (cancer.= :()

Sometimes when I spend money, he'll say to me "you love spending money don't you" As if I'm frittering or something.

Anyway I shall continue saving for a bit.

I was thinking of leaving in July as it would be end of the school year & gives me 6 weeks to sort stuff out before the start of the new school year. I don't want to disrupt the kids lives any more than I have to.

I've no idea how to call womens aid as I am scared the number will come up on the bill.

I couldn't tell my sister anything. I just couldn't.

Is your home phone service BT? Or is it Sky, Virgin, TalkTalk, O2, Orange or somesuch?

"Forgetting" in order to manipulate you comes under the heading of gaslighting. Have you heard of it?

Telling you lies about yourself, as in "You love to spend money", and telling you what you think or feel are also gaslighting.

This is textbook emotional abuse.
Go into your nearest solicitors TOMORROW
And talk to them, or randomly pick one from google. What they will tell you in 10 minutes will help you

How much money does he give you in total?
Can you get cashback on the fuel card?

What a total headfuck situation sweepit :( stay strong and keep posting, you can get out.

the word cockwomble has had me ROFL though. Definitely stealing that one :o

You really do need to get out.

The fact that you are suggesting staying to July so that you might squirrel away 10 quid a week is just ridiculous. 9 months of abuse for 300 quid, is that your price?

I haven't read the whole thread and obviously I don't know your relationship with your sister, but fwiw if my sister came to me, told me all this and said she was ready to leave, or that she'd left, I would be so proud of her.

Take care OP.

Sweep,

My sister and I weren't at all close before I left my exh, but she was the first person in my family I talked to and she was amazing. She was such a support.

Hopefully you can see by this thread that you're not as mad as he's been trying to making you think you are. There is a great deal of support here for you to rely on.

Try not to think too far into the future or the past for that matter the only thing that matters is now, and trust this, people do get out of these situations and not only survive but go on to have happy stable lives. Just take one step at a time. Right now it's getting your head round the fact that this situation is WRONG, you have more power than you think.

Your thread does remind me of several I've read on here which have gone on to have a happy outcome for the OP and I am positive it will be the same for you.

For the moment, keep talking. Your children will cope with this much better than you can imagine and the upheaval will be less than you fear.

Thinking of you Sweep, good luck.

OP - you said "Plus, I know I am entitled to half but I wouldn't just take it from him."

You wouldn't be taking it 'from him'. It's your money too. You would be rightfully dividing the family savings in order to provide shelter, food and clothing for your children and yourself. Something he should be doing as a matter of course, but isn't.

You haven't fucked your kids lives up. The damage he is doing to your family is salvageable - you can correct this stuff, you can show your kids a good example of how to live and how to treat people. But you can't do it under the same roof as him.

Please talk to someone about this stuff. People like to help. And organisations are there to help. Could you email WA and ask them to call you? Do you have a mobile phone? Could you get a very cheap one with a number he knows nothing about to take such a call?

AlpinePony makes a very good point. If he is so stingy, how much can you save anyway? It will not make a difference really. I would also suggest that you call women's aid and find a solicitor.

OP, I so feel for you :(
In my opinion, you haven't fucked your life up, you will be sorting it out by leaving. More importantly, you are not about to fuck your kids lives up, you are about to give them a better life.
And I agree with the others about talking to your sister, I don't think you should wait until July.
Worrying about you and good luck!

And actually lovely, to be fair once you're out and not so overwhelmed you will be able to see it's not you who was fucking things up, it was him.

It's not your fault

Try to be kind to yourself. I know we're a load of randoms from the internet but bear in mind these randoms have taken you at face value, accepted you and befriended you, THAT'S what normal people do, normal people don't look for ways to undermine you, the look for ways to be supportive.

Have been following this thread and just wanted to reiterate earlier messages - stay strong sweep, you sound lovely & you and your children deserve so much more.

Re: worrying about money when you leave, I know one case where (through the CSA) the xdh was forced to pay £800/month for 3 children + £400/month in ex-spousal maintenance, he was fairly well off but not absolutely loaded...think you'd be surprised how much you're entitled to. You just need to get yourself a decent solicitor.

I have experience of men like that (dd1's father..) controlling, manipulative, selfish and quite clever really as the emotional abuse is not always constant so you do feel like you're going mad. I escaped, but as someone else said, I didn't realise how bad it was until I left. I'm so so thankful dd doesn't have to grow up living with him, blimmin twat that he is . DD is growing up to be a boisterous, kind and very loving little girl.

Agree with Agathacrusty - check that he can't get access to this thread by securing your password etc

Thank you all.

I am really struggling to stay & appear normal.

You are right about how little money I will have, saving till July.

I worry about my kids schooling.

I wish I'd kept it all buried. It was easier. I feel so mixed up & scared.

Hi sweep - I've been following this thread and just wanted to add my support.

It's not surprising you're finding it hard to stay and appear normal - once you realise what's going on you can't un-realise! Which is why so many people are urging you to leave now. It would be bad enough, even horrendous, to stay in your situation until July if you didn't know what he was doing, but now you've rumbled him and can see that it's all his fault it's hard to put on an act.

I know you're worried about your DCs but it's amazing how adaptable children are and moving school isn't really that big a deal compared with seeing their father abuse their mother at home. The sooner you do it the easier it will be for them in the long run.

Just to let you know I finally separated from my ex in July - he was emotionally abusive, though I would say not as bad as your husband, and I was really worried about how my DS (aged 4) would react. We moved to a different area where we don't know many people and he's gone to a new nursery. He has taken it all in his stride and I have to say generally seems much happier. I lived with ex for a year after telling him I wanted to split up as we were in debt and needed to sell our property and "had" to do some work to it first. It was a very stressful time and my DS picked up on a lot of that so being out of that situation is good for him.

You will feel mixed up and scared while you're still living with this man who you know is choosing to mistreat you. Only once you've extricated yourself from this situation can you start to deal with all that and move on. Then you can look back and see that he was the one who fucked up and not you. Really.

And you might be surprised how your sister or someone else you confide in will react. What's the worst that can happen? You have NOTHING to be ashamed of. There is only one person in this situation who should be ashamed and that's your husband.

You don't have any money now but you will be much better off when you leave him. Please don't stay until July.

You need to do something practical to make you feel stronger.
I promise you will feel better if you talk to a solicitor, or CAB, or womens aid
Make that your first goal
You can do this
I think the scary thing is the thought of having nothing, but it's not going to work that way.
You are thinking you can't just take his money and he's not going to give it to you, but he has a responsibility to support his children and these people will make him do that

WHere in the country are you? Pm me if you don't want to say on here.