name changer with relationship problem

[sweepitundertherug]

Sorry if this is jumbled, I can think it all in my head, but getting it into words is harder!
My husband is odd with money. This is the crux of the problems. He wouldn't see that there are any problems. As far as he's concerned he pays "housekeeping" into the joint account & if I ask he'll put some more in there. He KNOWS I hate asking for money & I budget really well. Recently he put up the "housekeeping" by £50 a month. I am very aware that I don't may the mortgage/bills btw & aware we have no debts. So I am lucky in that respect.
On the money he gives I pay for everything for the 5 of us. I am quite frugal and I am not bothered by material things so in a way he doesn't realise how much real life costs. The last few months I've had heavy spends but I needed 2 full sets of uniform from scratch, 2 of the children had growth spurts & all 3 needed winter coats.
Due to new schools I have the extra expenses of school lunches daily, bus fares & extra diesel costs.
I don't have any money for me really. My clothes are tatty.
I really felt this on the weekend. We all went shopping. I got the children their winter clothes & a few bits of underwear they needed. DH spent over £200 on 2 jumpers & 2 shirts. He does his clothes from his own money btw.
I don't have enough money in my budget for anything for me.
On the drive there, DH was saying about the spending & then pointed out that my weekend away in July has been really expensive. It was £200 for me & the 3 kids. He was away with work & if he'd been around then he could have had the kids & I could have stayed with friends. As it is, I never ever do anything as I can't arrange anything due to his job & his travelling. Not to mention weekends taken up with sport when he is around. So this one time, I thought sod it, I'm going. I don't think he really liked that anyway but ffs, this weekend he's off ABROAD for a football game. Going early Sun & back late Weds. Also he's managed to arrange something without his work getting in the way.

Now, dh isn't stingy. It's hard to describe him really. If the kids need clothes, they get them & he wouldn't have me buying the clothes from cheap shops. Their clothes mainly come from Next, M&S or Debenhams. His clothes are labels with the odd basics from M&S/Debenhams.

He gave me £500 earlier in April. It's gone. Basically got some clothes for summer, jeans as all mine were wearing thin & got some creams/make up. Also if I went for lunch or something.

He earns a very good wage. But he can't wait for me to go back to work. I don't work now after having No3 as childcare would have wiped me out. I paid for childcare for the other 2 in the holidays. He says we will afford much more when I'm working. I was earning about £600pm. OK better than nothing but hardly pays the mortgage! He basically saved while I was working. He can still afford to save now btw. He is OBSESSED with saving. I appreciate he wants to save for university/old age but tbh it's at the expense of having a life now. Well, if I'm honest, it's only me that doesn't have a life. He does, he goes to football games etc...I feel bad "wanting" money as I'm taking away from my kids future.

To go back to the very start of our relationship, it was equal, we were both working & when we got the house we split the bills equally percentage wise from our wages. Then we moved abroad for his work. How naive (sp) I was. We didn't have a penny when we went over. We basically saved. All his salary when I worked & when I wasn't then we spent as little as possible. No joint accounts either. Stupidly.

We didn't have a joint account till I stopped work after dc3. I thought it would be a proper joint account but it's just an account he pays money in for me that he can keep an eye on.

Occasionally he gets voucher bonuses from work. He'll give me half but give me less housekeeping. This really annoys me but he can't see anything wrong with it.

He is hard to talk to as he has the knack of making me feel a bit stupid.

Our relationship is fine so long as I don't bring up the money issues. I did a few months ago & he said "oh you'd have us living out our older years in a council house" I was furious & really upset about that & then he claimed he was joking. I grew up in a council house btw.

I don't have expensive tastes at all. Labels mean nothing to me. I am a frugal cook. I got a sack of spuds on the weekend for £5.50. You know, I watch the pennies.

I keep all this buried & most of the time I am "happy". I feel jealous though after the weeekend. Childish I know but my kids & dh look fine & have lovely clothes. Mine get tatty & just get replaced when I can justify it.

I am sorry this is so long. I have to get this off my chest. My chest is really tight today.

Thank you for reading. Much appreciated.

BruciesDollyDealer if it was that easy to talk to him, then I would.

I have tried talking to him. I get from him that I am too sensitive, imagining it, he is joking or the best one is he can't ever say anything to me as it's like walking on egg shells.

Someone posted this earlier. More than 3 of these apply to your dh?

"why dont you just sit down and both of you TALK and both say how you want the relationship to change/proceed"

DAMN! is that ALL we need do with these angry controlling manipulative types?

BruciesDollyDealer, happy for you that you have absolutely no experience in DV/EA to suggest such a thing might work. You are lucky. You are one of the 3 in 4 women who never experience abuse in a relationship.

if it were just a case of bringing it to his attention, there would be no such thing as Woman's Aid, the NCDV would have no purpose, and Relationships would be a much thinner forum than it is.

This is all about his control over her, his power, his happiness (which is directly proportionate to her UNhappiness). there is no point in reasoning, negotiating, requesting, asking, no even begging. The person perpetrating this behaviour against sweepit is not reasonable, is not sympathetic, does not see that his behaviour is wrong, and in fact has an overwhelming sense of entitlement to rule her, to dominate her and suppress her, until there is nothing left of her spirit, her mind or her personality.

He had his few days away.
He got back & was generally fine.

He keeps telling me I am ambivalent. He says he knows I love him. I show him by everything I do but I don't show I love him enough. I don't know what he means. I have asked him to explain. But he just tells me he is not critisising me. But he has been telling me this for weeks. He was telling me last night. I've no idea. Really. No idea.

Today has been horrible. He was up early to watch sport. He got the baby up. He had given him some milk. He was insisting that I also got up. Baby was happy. Sat on the PC watching peppa pig. No idea why I had to be up as well.

The front curtains were shut so I went to open them. The sun shines in through the back windows in the morning so I usually keep those closed for a bit. So I opened a curtain. Rather than say to me, please keep them closed. He made a big song & dance about it. [is he a vampire emotion] So I go to the kitchen (I was on my way with a basket of washing) & he got cross & opened the other curtain. The baby had put his bowl of raisins on the chair & these were split on the floor while he opened the curtain. Another song & dance about that.

Then he was moody about the rugby. (We was robbed, farking ref )

He has been in a weird mood this week anyway.

I went to the shop. As he's going to the football this afternoon, premier league match I got bacon & nice bread at the shop. He had bacon & egg sarnies for lunch. I made his (and the children) lunch. The ungrateful fucker. Sorry, but he was. He went on about the smells from the cooking. I did have the kitchen window & back door open and the kitchen doors closed but the baby had come in through the hall kitchen door & I hadn't shut it. DH made a fuss about that. He stood by the open front door. He has never done anything like that. He does complain ALL THE TIME about cooking smells, but what can I do. Food does smell when it's cooking. So I said (through the closed door, lest the farking smells escape) that his lunch was ready. No answer & he didn't turn or anything to indicate he'd heard me. (glass panel on door) so I opened the door, just incase he hadn't heard as the kettle was boiling & the fan was on so it was quite noisy. He really moodily said, oh I heard you.

He made a fuss cutting up the sandwiches cos the egg went everywhere. He was fussing about sometihng else. He told me he would die from eating all this stuff as when he was away he had bacon & stuff for breakfast. I didn't know. I really didn't know. He said I should make him stews for his lunch or ask him what he wants. He normally has a sarnie & pasty/pork pie for lunch. But I stupidly did something more substantial as he was going out. How fucking ungrateful.

So I went up to the bathroom, had a cry & slashed at the top of my legs with the tweezers. He's made me feel so shit.

I want to leave. I suddenly though, get money on the weekend as he gets paid. Could the following week. Then I realised, it's half term & he's off.

I will never escape. Never.

I am so depressed about this.

It's so shit.

Noone knows what he's really like. He's a hard working caring husband/father to the outside world. If I leave he will also use my past depression against me. If I leave, I'll have to go far away. He isn't violent but he can be quite agressive. I am scared of him.

I have buried all of this for so long. I have really opened a can of worms for myself by letting myself realise this situation is real & that, yes, he's an arsehole.

Thank you for reading.

Oh & as an aside, the last time he treated me this shitty, he was having an affair. This was about 7 years ago.

Most lawyers will give you a 30 minute free session if you are considering divorce (and it sounds like you should be), and they will do a quick calculation for you there and then as to what your likely financial situation would be in the event of a divorce. You will be entitled to at least half of all your assets and a good chunk of his income every month. You would better off (in every way).

He is playing power games with you. My dh is not perfect, but while I spent several years at home raising our dc, we had a joint account into which his entire salary went, and I could spend it as I wanted - including further education and leisure activities as well as clothes. Financial decisions are joint decisions, your assets and income belong to both of you equally.

It sounds horrific, really. You must be constantly nervous.

I have to admit that before I saw your last post about a previous affair, I thought he'd be having an affair. It's his sense of entitlement that made me think that and his utter selfishness.

I think he's picking on you all the time to justify his actions, in his head. So, "I wouldn't have to be like this, if it wasn't for her..."

If you think about separating from him, just you and the children in the house, how does that make you feel?

Please don't hurt yourself it won't change him.

Talk to WA now!

It's halfterm but you can leave in under an hour if you plan well. WA will help you

imperial do you think he's having another affair now, from reading this?
I am wondering.

Thing is, when he had the other affair, I told him how I knew from the outset he was having an affair but until I had the proof (the womans partner called me) I didn't say anything.

So I am wondering, as he knows that, if he's really trying very hard to cover himself this time.

Saying that, I've no idea where he'd get the time with this job he has got now. He never does anything out of the ordinary, is always home when he should be...

Oh & imperial you are right, I am constantly nervous. I am always trying to do the right thing. Second guess, so I am doing the right thing. I feel he is always judging.
I am surprised he doesn't give me annual appraisals tbh

Oh my God. You sound like my parents. My Mother put up with this kind of abuse from my father for 20 years.

He was sulky and unreasonable and financially abusive and was like a massive black cloud in the house just waiting to rain on everyone if something didn't go exactly his way (we were too noisy, his lunch was too hot...anything could set it off).

My Mum stayed because we were well off and secure and she didn't want to pull that rug out from the three of us.

Truthfully, we all wish she had.

My Dsis and I have never fully got over his behaviour towards our DM and, later, to ourselves. He would never hurt us physically (wouldn't dream of it), but he was very manipulative and could make us feel bad about ourselves all the time - and did.

My DM is now married to a wonderful man and doesn't speak to my DF anymore. She is happy and free to be the wonderful, talented, able and independent woman she always was.

Please do this for yourself and for your DC. It's a toxic relationship and, however you try to shield your children, they will feel it every day.

I can't know whether he's having an affair now, OP, but in your opening post you said several times that he has a lot of free time on his own. Do you know for certain that he actually does those things and that he does them with other men?

I think he has a massive sense of entitlement. The money is his. He dresses well and can't help but notice that you don't (can't due to lack of funds.) He does exactly what he wants, doesn't he? He sounds the sort to admire a well dressed woman, whilst keeping you short of funds so that you can't be one yourself.

What happened when he had an affair before? How did you react? Did he persuade you to stay? Did you find you were apologising to him for the fact he had to have an affair?

Oh lovey you really need to speak to someone in rl
You say your sister knows what he's like with money, can you talk to her?
Please phone WA too they are great at helping you form your thoughts into plans.
You are in shock at the moment after the realisation that this is not the man you thought you'd married, so give yourself a break and stop harming yourself.
Go talk to your sis tonight, go sit and watch saturday night tv in a relaxed environment for a change.

I know what you are going through I had exactly that kind of head fuck too.
It aint pretty and he will up the ante when you tell him you've had enough, that's why you need to arm yourself with all the info you can re: legals etc.
Knowledge is power and rmember walk away a lot you don't have to listen to him any more.

Imperial I agree - as I was reading I was thinking that he keeps OP from looking nice as a way of excusing himself for having an affair. I get the feeling stupid thing OP - my ex used to say that I didn't understand money etc so I got worse at handling it because what he had said had got to me. You said a few times that he's cleverer than you - I bet you're smarter than you think.

Also as to leaving - I left my parents house in 35mins with all possesions etc. You can get everything ready before hand without making it obvious - clothes ready in piles but still in the cupboard etc. Keep posting when you can though - sounds like its giving you the strength to start standing up to him a bit more.

lifeissweet I stay becuase of the children. I am your mum in those 20 years.

imperial hindsite is great. We sttayed together as I made more of an effort. He persuaded me to stay.

mamas am going to talk fully to my sister this week.

bullybeef I have nowhere to go. God knows where I'll go when I leave.

I am thinking lots more about his behaviour. Stuff that isn't normal but because he does it so much it's now normal iyswim. If I'm in his way he just stands there, he doesn't say excuse me or anything. It feels weird. I feel in the way. OR he will say get out of the way or huff. Or he will come to a sudden halt & clatter his feet on the floor.

I am married to a loon.

Thank you for all your replies.

sweep this is all wrong and you know it is, and you feel helpless so you self harm. Please refrain from doing that. It could be something he can use against you later.

Punch a pillow or some cushions, similar effect and no physical harm.

I hadn't self harmed for ages ( a good few years) till today. Something inside me just snapped.

Sweep you are worth so much more than this, and he is an absolute cockwomble.

I always look to this definition to determine whether someone is being abusive or not. www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/mrgoodbad.php

Look, I am trying to feel sorry for myself. Do not call him a cockwomble & make me laugh.

I would actually like to talk to him about the way he is towards me. But he'd turn it on me. He'd say I'm over reacting & that he can't talk to me & it's like walking on egg shells.

He was lovely for a few years. He went on a course through work on dealing with people (it was a work thing, but it applied to dealing with everyone in life) & my god, it made such a difference.

He has "forgotten" that now.

Have just cocking realised that with the state of the tops of my legs, I can't go swimming for a while. fuckity fuck.

holy shit mrspnut just read your link.

I've got to get out.

Take the fact that you were driven to that as a sign, please, Sweep. Enough is enough and you can't carry on like this. You are losing yourself. For instance, you keep talking about how clever your H is and how he can talk you into feeling stupid. The more that goes on, the more you will feel that it's true. I can tell by what you have said that the process is well underway. You think you can't challenge him because he's so clever and powerful and will stand in your way.

He may be manipulative. He may well be able to talk you in knots (my DF is also an expert at this - he could have us believing that we'd done things we hadn't at times!), but he is not better than you, he doesn't have to have power over you and he is in the wrong. He is a bully.

You are the one with the emotional intelligence and the strength to say you've had enough and get out. No money is worth putting yourself through this for. It really is abuse, even if you think it isn't. That you would question that just shows me how much he has damaged your self worth already.

In the end, with my parents, my mother left. She put money away quietly for a few years and rented a one-bedroom flat with a bit of help from my Grandfather. She left us with our father, which turned out to be the best thing she could have done. He had a massive wake up call about his behaviour and we managed to build a positive relationship. I actually like him now - and I certainly never did growing up.

She then got a job, bought a house, met her now DH and is a completely different woman. She has always stressed to me the importance of staying independent and not putting up with bullying of any kind. She would tell you the same. You need to send him a message in the strongest of terms. You are not his property, you have needs of your own and he is a bully.

Know what you mean. About a year ago we had both had a drink one evening, I began a conversation with him and it seemed to be going quite well. But it wasn't long before he went into an old blame rant and I felt helpless and desperate.

So I went into the kitchen and starting throwing glasses onto our tiled floor. And getting out the knives and threatening to cut myself. I have never done that before.

He and my DD 19 called the police, and I had to go to A&E (it was either that or the police station, they said),

As soon as I was out the house I calmed down. It was nearly a 20 mile journey, I waited in A&E to see someone, then said if something didn't happen fairly soon I would discharge myself.

I did discharge myself, had to get a taxi home, it was the middle of the night.

Decided then: no more red wine; no more acting out my despair for him to take advantage of.

sorry that was a reply to sweep "something inside me just snapped."

I'm so sorry you cut, sweep. You must have been feeling so incredibly frustrated. I'm not surprised about that, but please don't hurt yourself! You've got your Twat for that

Even before I got to your post about the affair, I was wondering. It was the "love me enough" bit, followed by your saying he's acting even more weirdly than usual - and the unannounced football ticket, plus the currency thing. (Couldn't have it delivered to work because he either wasn't at work or had lied to them about why he was going away?)

You do need to get out, yes.

I understand how the logistics just seem impossible to face. I was the same, and XH took full advantage of my ignorance. The thing is, the problem actually is ignorance - we don't do evening classes in Divorce or even in Marital Rights, so obviously there's a whole mass of stuff we don't know and that's what makes it feel impossible. For this reason, I'd recommend a call to Womens Aid for advice - amongst other things, they should be able to recommend an appropriate solicitor. You'll feel so much better when you know which ducks you're supposed to be putting in a row!

Next time you feel like cutting, make yourself some hot chocolate and tuck yourself in bed with a DVD instead :)

THis man is a complete shit. In his mind, he is the person in the household, you are a domestic appliance he can fuck when he feels like it (I bet he moans that you don't allow him to have sex on you often enough and/or do not display enough enthusiasm). The DC are props for his ego, which is why he insists on them having better clothes and more clothes than you do.

You can get out. You do not need his permission to leave, and if he tries to prevent you leaving or harasses you after you have left, he can be arrested and sent to prison. He is not your owner and he is not 'better' than you or entitled to control you. Talk to WOmen's Aid, they will help and advise you.

Honey, in your situation, knowledge is power. When you empower yourself the urge to self-harm will disappear.

Call Women's Aid (0800 2000 247) and keep posting here to learn how to set yourself free of the manipulative abusing twunt that you once believed cared for you as much as you cared for him.