name changer with relationship problem

[sweepitundertherug]

Sorry if this is jumbled, I can think it all in my head, but getting it into words is harder!
My husband is odd with money. This is the crux of the problems. He wouldn't see that there are any problems. As far as he's concerned he pays "housekeeping" into the joint account & if I ask he'll put some more in there. He KNOWS I hate asking for money & I budget really well. Recently he put up the "housekeeping" by £50 a month. I am very aware that I don't may the mortgage/bills btw & aware we have no debts. So I am lucky in that respect.
On the money he gives I pay for everything for the 5 of us. I am quite frugal and I am not bothered by material things so in a way he doesn't realise how much real life costs. The last few months I've had heavy spends but I needed 2 full sets of uniform from scratch, 2 of the children had growth spurts & all 3 needed winter coats.
Due to new schools I have the extra expenses of school lunches daily, bus fares & extra diesel costs.
I don't have any money for me really. My clothes are tatty.
I really felt this on the weekend. We all went shopping. I got the children their winter clothes & a few bits of underwear they needed. DH spent over £200 on 2 jumpers & 2 shirts. He does his clothes from his own money btw.
I don't have enough money in my budget for anything for me.
On the drive there, DH was saying about the spending & then pointed out that my weekend away in July has been really expensive. It was £200 for me & the 3 kids. He was away with work & if he'd been around then he could have had the kids & I could have stayed with friends. As it is, I never ever do anything as I can't arrange anything due to his job & his travelling. Not to mention weekends taken up with sport when he is around. So this one time, I thought sod it, I'm going. I don't think he really liked that anyway but ffs, this weekend he's off ABROAD for a football game. Going early Sun & back late Weds. Also he's managed to arrange something without his work getting in the way.

Now, dh isn't stingy. It's hard to describe him really. If the kids need clothes, they get them & he wouldn't have me buying the clothes from cheap shops. Their clothes mainly come from Next, M&S or Debenhams. His clothes are labels with the odd basics from M&S/Debenhams.

He gave me £500 earlier in April. It's gone. Basically got some clothes for summer, jeans as all mine were wearing thin & got some creams/make up. Also if I went for lunch or something.

He earns a very good wage. But he can't wait for me to go back to work. I don't work now after having No3 as childcare would have wiped me out. I paid for childcare for the other 2 in the holidays. He says we will afford much more when I'm working. I was earning about £600pm. OK better than nothing but hardly pays the mortgage! He basically saved while I was working. He can still afford to save now btw. He is OBSESSED with saving. I appreciate he wants to save for university/old age but tbh it's at the expense of having a life now. Well, if I'm honest, it's only me that doesn't have a life. He does, he goes to football games etc...I feel bad "wanting" money as I'm taking away from my kids future.

To go back to the very start of our relationship, it was equal, we were both working & when we got the house we split the bills equally percentage wise from our wages. Then we moved abroad for his work. How naive (sp) I was. We didn't have a penny when we went over. We basically saved. All his salary when I worked & when I wasn't then we spent as little as possible. No joint accounts either. Stupidly.

We didn't have a joint account till I stopped work after dc3. I thought it would be a proper joint account but it's just an account he pays money in for me that he can keep an eye on.

Occasionally he gets voucher bonuses from work. He'll give me half but give me less housekeeping. This really annoys me but he can't see anything wrong with it.

He is hard to talk to as he has the knack of making me feel a bit stupid.

Our relationship is fine so long as I don't bring up the money issues. I did a few months ago & he said "oh you'd have us living out our older years in a council house" I was furious & really upset about that & then he claimed he was joking. I grew up in a council house btw.

I don't have expensive tastes at all. Labels mean nothing to me. I am a frugal cook. I got a sack of spuds on the weekend for £5.50. You know, I watch the pennies.

I keep all this buried & most of the time I am "happy". I feel jealous though after the weeekend. Childish I know but my kids & dh look fine & have lovely clothes. Mine get tatty & just get replaced when I can justify it.

I am sorry this is so long. I have to get this off my chest. My chest is really tight today.

Thank you for reading. Much appreciated.

I don't understand why childcare would be your responsibility?? The children have two parents who would be working - surely it should be split equally, or ideally in proportion to your salaries.

He sounds an awful, controlling bully. I'm sorry, I think you need to seek some advice on where you'd stand if you did split. It's just worth knowing, whether it comes to it or not. And hopefully it won't.

What do your friends and family think of him? Do you have a good support network?

So last night.
He asked what I was doing on Friday. So I said straight after the school run taking the little one swimming. The I'd be home till the school run again.
He said he was having his currency delivered but it didn't matter if I wasn't in. I am always out apparently & he knew I wouldn't help him. WTF. He works in Canary Wharf so I've no idea why he ordered his money to be delivered ffs. Or left it till this late as he's travelling on Sunday.
So I told him not to use emotional blackmail on me. And why did he think I was so awful, why did he think I wouldn't help him. It's all pre-emted. Fucking hell, I'm not out all the time either.

The he said it didn't matter, I should take the baby swimming & it's his problem & if he doesn't get the money he'll change more at the airport & change this lot back & lose about £30.

God almightly. He's not fucking normal is he.

In answer to your last question, no he is not normal. He is acting abusively towards you and is grinding you down. He will be happy to drag his children down with him as well as you.

You're right, it's not normal. Why not take the time he's away to speak to a solicitor. Many will do a consultation for a minimal fee, or even for free.

He can't make you stay and you might be surprised what sort of financial arrangement the courts would deem appropriate. No matter what, it's got to be better to be independent. There are always options.

Your latest post makes me wonder if he has some kind of mental issue going on. Or it could be as simple as him trying to excuse his behaviour towards you by creating a world where you're an enemy... bating you until you do or say something he can use to justify his attitude towards you.

Either way, it's not healthy for your children to have this as their go-to relationship model.

No not normal honey. Get some advice. Just don't rise to it, stay very calm, I think he is being provocative at the moment. Smoke and mirrors, stay focused on what you are doing, let him clatter around in his passive aggresive strop and see where it leads from there.

Sorry, no.

He's having the money delivered to try and (a) tie you to the house and (b) store it up as a jibe for the future.

Many men can be tight, but the docking your housekeeping is just plain nonsensical. Keeping you on a tight leash when it's a BONUS FGS, so in the simplest terms why would YOU not get one???

It's about denying you the joy, denying you happiness. Somehow keeping you where he wants you works for him. Keeping you grateful for any scrap of attention he gives you, any money he bestows upon you. In the meantime, he will connive and scheme upfront to manipulate you to enable him to achieve the goal he has set. Yes. It IS that calculated. Sorry.

He's going away, so he wants you dancing to his tune. He wants to leave on a bad note, so that you feel remorseful while he's away and therefore are desperate for his return.

My X would go from being generally background sulking to nasty whenever I was due to come home to the UK for a visit. The week before my flights would be the longest of the year.

One thing to console yourself with, is that IF and when you do call time on this relationship, his savings will have accumulated to a lovely lump sum for you to claim in divorce, especially as you have shelved your career to stay at home caring for your children.

Exactly herHissyness.

If I didn't know otherwise, i'd think you were with my XH. The currency thing is exactly the kind of thing he'd do. It's irritating, manipulative shit.

Now he's OW's problem, it's great. He still tries to manipulate me, but I can see it for exactly what it is, and when I stand up to him he actually seems to respect me a bit more now.

OP this is just horrible, totally obvious financial abuse. And controlling at it's worst.

I have a pal in similar boat. She frets about getting the chance to work that doesn't disrupt his weekend football and yet she still has to pay all the childcare to let her work! I cannot fathom how she stands for it. They are joint children, joint responsibility. The family clothes should come out of the family budget, why on earth is he having a separate account to spend on himself, but you get what he allows? That is not a partnership.

It's very clever, dressing it up as concern for the future and old age. Pal's dp does this, he owns a flat in central london, mortgage paid off, helped by a financial windfall she had when they met, and yet her name is not on anything and he won't marry her. She's good enough to bring up their two kids, but he doesn't want to marry her in case it doesn't work out

She actually had a meltdown last month and called his bluff. Told him if they split, he can have the kids, finance the childcare, she will go off and rent a place alone. The colour drained from him. The alternative, she leaves and takes the kids and he pays maintenance doesn't thrill him either. So, the way I see it, she holds the cards. So do you.

OP, is bottebank right about having the feeling that he is creating a world where you are the enemy?That mentality resonates strongly with my experience.

I don't know what to think tbh.
He's very clever & makes things seem like it's my fault. He is far more clever than me, very good with words.
I think if I left him, he'd be able to turn stuff on me.
My sister knows what he's like. With regards to the money. I don't think she realises his attitude towards me.
If I leave, it will be with nothing. I have nothing.

You have yourself

You are valuable.

You mean you'll have no money? Nowhere to live? What do you mean by nothing?

You have LESS than nothing now. LESS. You don't have respect, honesty, trust, autonomy. It doesn't sound like he'd be minded to fight for custody of the DCs, and if he did he wouldn't get it (love and care are prioritised above money, which you should be doing too).

Just because he IS controlling you doesn't mean it has to keep happening.

I lived on benefits for two years. Best thing I ever did. But you won't have nothing, you'll have your DCs and your self-respect and you'll have a fair amount of money from your H too. it's the law.

No money, nowhere to live, nothing to put in a home if I did get somewhere to live. There is very little social housing here & private rentals are very expensive.
And the kids would go without. I grew up with nothing & I couldn't do that to my children. They are oblivious. They really are. They don't go without anything. They're not spoilt but by the same token they have everything they need, winter coats, clothes etc etc.

I've no idea what rights I have. Years ago when I went to the CAB I was told due to the house value I couldn't get legal aid or anything.

It seemed that as I was from a naice middle class area there was no help for me.

Thank you for all the replies by the way. They are much appreicated.

I do know he isn't treating me right.

Maybe I need to grow some balls & tell him how I feel. I've tried but he's so clever & turns it on me. I have no physical evidence of anything. Everything would be my word against his...

Why don't you go and get yourself some legal advice whilst he is away. Try and find out about as much of his (YOUR!!!!!!) financial stuff as possible and take this with you. I think you will be pleasantly surprised by how much you will be entitled to and how much he will have to pay you bearing in mind you are a SAHM etc.

My DH had some similar issues (financial stuff) and manipulative behaviours. He is now in counselling (had an extremely dysfunctional family (grandparents, aunt etc all under one roof where manipulation, emotional blackmail etc was the order of the day ) and is understanding himself and his behaviours more now. Underneath it all, my DH is a good, ultimately kind and generous man - we have always had a proper joint a/c, we both have unfettered access to it (just let each other know if we are making a big purchase). I am a SAHM too and he earns the money but it is family money, that's the deal we have, he works, I look after the DC - he couldn't run the business if I didn't support him at home, we are a team ultimately.

He can occasionally come out with stuff like your H did re the currency. I just call him on it every time, ask him why he said it and what he hoped to achieve by saying it. He used to always ask things of me when he knows I can't possibly do it (DC etc getting in the way), it was always so he can get a negative reaction from me so that he can then say I always say no, you never want to do anything etc - err no sunshine, don't set me up in that way to fail your "test". With counselling he has recognised these behaviours and they are his issues. I have also got better at challenging him - he used to be very sarcastic - that has also stopped, as I call him on it.

I had counselling too a couple of years ago (we went to Relate together and alone) and my DH's feels that the counsellor was directing most of her work at me so that if I changed my reaction to DH then he would change too (in other words not to take any s**t any more). In a way it worked. Maybe you could do with some counselling to boost your self esteem and realise you are worth so much more than the way this man is treating you.

Good luck.

My dh would never have councelling or go to relate.
You don't tell anyone else your problems. You mustn't tell anybody else anything. Don't ya know.

If I say something to him about sometihng he says, then he'll say it's a joke. A bloody joke. So don't say it or then say it in a jokey way. You're not Jack Dee!

A football ticket arrived yesterday for him. He told me he'd ordered one as I saw the envolope. Now I don't object to him going but he doesn't even run it by me to see if I may have anything planned.

Anyway tonight I shall be discussing going to see my auntie. It will be a weekend. Regardless of the football. He will lay guilt trips on me.

"I've no idea what rights I have. Years ago when I went to the CAB I was told due to the house value I couldn't get legal aid or anything".

These are yet more obstacles you put up to stop yourself being free of your abuser. That was years ago as well so you need up to date legal advice. You have the ideal opportunity to do this whilst he is away. Find out what your current legal rights are!.

Years of his abusive conditioning have worn you down but you are not yet defeated.

Your children are aware more than you realise; they are likely to be confused and upset by his behaviour towards you as their mother. They are absorbing all this and your non reactions to it but you do react to it because you have posted here. You grew up with nothing and now you now have a nothing existance with this man. He sees you purely as someone to serve his every need; a domestic appliance.

You are growing flowers in your hole where infact you need to dig your way out. He has unfortunately done a thorough number of you to get you to this low point in your life.

I think too that it is only when you are free of him will you perhaps realise the full extent to which you are controlled by your husband. Such men as well can take years to recover from.

I would suggest you read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft because your H is certainly within those pages.

Controlling men like your H would never go to counselling anyway because at heart they feel they have and are doing nothing wrong.

Don't bury your feelings any more and seek a way out of this abusive marriage you are stuck in. There is always a way out.

Has your H got worse over the years?Was he in the habit of discussing things with you/running things by you?Or has he generally done what he wants and wouldn't consider consulting you?

If you can't get legal aid because of the value of the house, that is because in a divorce the joint assets, his money and yours, will be used to pay the legal costs. He would have to open his wallet to pay your legal costs.
Go and see a lawyer, get a good one. If you can't do that then contact Women's aid first.
(I would also suggest finding bank statements etc while he's away and getting them copied, also store passports and birth certificates etc. with someone safe, maybe your sister.)

So anyway he came home last night with a print out of details regarding the currency delivery. He said oh don't worry if you do decide to go out.
As it is, I haven't gone as period arrived .
Later on he said to me do you mind if I want the football tomorrow night (tonight obv ) I am never bothered by what is on the tv in the evening. I can watch mine in the day, I only wanted to watch GBBO the other night as it was the final. Then he started joking with me that I would say No to him watching the football as he wouldn't let me watch GBBO the other night. So he is admitting he wouldn't let me watch it but in a jokey round about way. He never asks me if he can watch anything on the tv btw

He was being all nice to be last night. This confuses me. Makes me think I am imagining all the horribleness.

As I am to understand it - purely from reading threads on here -this is part of the 'cycle' of abuse. He will be nice for a while to make you think that you're imagining the control.

No you are not imagining the horribleness, if you look back to your post about the currency, you actually challenged him asking him why he thought you were horrible and why he thought you wouldn't help him and not to use emotional blackmail on you. In the words of Dr Phil, you teach people how to treat you and I think you are beginning to challenge him, you are changing (hence posting here) and are beginning to say the way you treat me and speak to me is not acceptable - he may (just may) start showing some respect if you start standing up to him.

I think you can do with counselling (sod him). We all carry stuff on from our childhood (my parent's marriage was an awful example and my mum taught me to put up with some serious crap because that's what you do - err no).

Get yourself some legal advice (to protect you) whilst he is away, it might be enough to give you some strength to change your marriage (if you feel you do not want to leave).

Good luck.

why dont you just sit down and both of you TALK and both say how you want the relationship to change/proceed