name changer with relationship problem

[sweepitundertherug]

Sorry if this is jumbled, I can think it all in my head, but getting it into words is harder!
My husband is odd with money. This is the crux of the problems. He wouldn't see that there are any problems. As far as he's concerned he pays "housekeeping" into the joint account & if I ask he'll put some more in there. He KNOWS I hate asking for money & I budget really well. Recently he put up the "housekeeping" by £50 a month. I am very aware that I don't may the mortgage/bills btw & aware we have no debts. So I am lucky in that respect.
On the money he gives I pay for everything for the 5 of us. I am quite frugal and I am not bothered by material things so in a way he doesn't realise how much real life costs. The last few months I've had heavy spends but I needed 2 full sets of uniform from scratch, 2 of the children had growth spurts & all 3 needed winter coats.
Due to new schools I have the extra expenses of school lunches daily, bus fares & extra diesel costs.
I don't have any money for me really. My clothes are tatty.
I really felt this on the weekend. We all went shopping. I got the children their winter clothes & a few bits of underwear they needed. DH spent over £200 on 2 jumpers & 2 shirts. He does his clothes from his own money btw.
I don't have enough money in my budget for anything for me.
On the drive there, DH was saying about the spending & then pointed out that my weekend away in July has been really expensive. It was £200 for me & the 3 kids. He was away with work & if he'd been around then he could have had the kids & I could have stayed with friends. As it is, I never ever do anything as I can't arrange anything due to his job & his travelling. Not to mention weekends taken up with sport when he is around. So this one time, I thought sod it, I'm going. I don't think he really liked that anyway but ffs, this weekend he's off ABROAD for a football game. Going early Sun & back late Weds. Also he's managed to arrange something without his work getting in the way.

Now, dh isn't stingy. It's hard to describe him really. If the kids need clothes, they get them & he wouldn't have me buying the clothes from cheap shops. Their clothes mainly come from Next, M&S or Debenhams. His clothes are labels with the odd basics from M&S/Debenhams.

He gave me £500 earlier in April. It's gone. Basically got some clothes for summer, jeans as all mine were wearing thin & got some creams/make up. Also if I went for lunch or something.

He earns a very good wage. But he can't wait for me to go back to work. I don't work now after having No3 as childcare would have wiped me out. I paid for childcare for the other 2 in the holidays. He says we will afford much more when I'm working. I was earning about £600pm. OK better than nothing but hardly pays the mortgage! He basically saved while I was working. He can still afford to save now btw. He is OBSESSED with saving. I appreciate he wants to save for university/old age but tbh it's at the expense of having a life now. Well, if I'm honest, it's only me that doesn't have a life. He does, he goes to football games etc...I feel bad "wanting" money as I'm taking away from my kids future.

To go back to the very start of our relationship, it was equal, we were both working & when we got the house we split the bills equally percentage wise from our wages. Then we moved abroad for his work. How naive (sp) I was. We didn't have a penny when we went over. We basically saved. All his salary when I worked & when I wasn't then we spent as little as possible. No joint accounts either. Stupidly.

We didn't have a joint account till I stopped work after dc3. I thought it would be a proper joint account but it's just an account he pays money in for me that he can keep an eye on.

Occasionally he gets voucher bonuses from work. He'll give me half but give me less housekeeping. This really annoys me but he can't see anything wrong with it.

He is hard to talk to as he has the knack of making me feel a bit stupid.

Our relationship is fine so long as I don't bring up the money issues. I did a few months ago & he said "oh you'd have us living out our older years in a council house" I was furious & really upset about that & then he claimed he was joking. I grew up in a council house btw.

I don't have expensive tastes at all. Labels mean nothing to me. I am a frugal cook. I got a sack of spuds on the weekend for £5.50. You know, I watch the pennies.

I keep all this buried & most of the time I am "happy". I feel jealous though after the weeekend. Childish I know but my kids & dh look fine & have lovely clothes. Mine get tatty & just get replaced when I can justify it.

I am sorry this is so long. I have to get this off my chest. My chest is really tight today.

Thank you for reading. Much appreciated.

Apologies, I don't know WHAT I was thinking when I did my original post.

More practical solutions I can recommend from personal experience include selling everything possible on Ebay and putting it into a separate bank account or lodging it with PayPal for the time being, selling abusive partner's record collection for cash bit by bit (HA!), cash in hand agency and private babysitting, buying clothes for the children and taking them back to get the cash instead, selling kids' surplus school uniform items in second hand uniform sale to get small amount of cash back, getting him to buy a new car before you go and driving off in it.

If you could set up an online business such as designing things on SecondLife you would be laughing. That would be what I would try to do now. He would not know a THING.

Before you move out, make sure you have done the mother of all grocery shops at his expense, including a lot of storecupboard essentials. Best always to prepare accommodation, get utilities connected in your name, make up beds, put nice toiletries in bathroom and basic clothes in all the cupboards, make it look a bit homely and stock the cupboard and fridge as though it's Christmas before making a run for it.

It can be done - I lived with someone exactly like this and managed to escape. i now have a doting husband who cannot to enough for me. Have faith.

As far as having to "wait" for the benefits system to sort you out. I went to the WA safe house on the Tuesday - as I've said before they left out a tenner for me (to pay the taxi and buy something to eat that night).

I had a giro (yes, this was a few years ago) by the friday.

WA sort all of this out for you and they must have a way to speed up the system. Even if it were to take a fortnight for cash to come through they are not going to leave you without dinner!

Hello all.

There is lots on here for me to read, which I will when I have a bit more time.

I think the discussion will be interesting when I read it back. I do welcome other points of view.

Weekend wasn't too bad. His brother came up & then his mother. We did eat out in the end & he was quite happy to do so. Well, in the end I said me & DD will go out & eat & if MiL wanted to come then she could. Then DS said he'd come along as well as my MiL. So DH decided it would be better if we all stayed together. Place I wanted to go was fully booked so we went elsewhere & had a nice time. I had dessert, sod what he thinks about "fat people" etc. He did ask how many Syns in it. So I told him, about 1 million.

Anyway he's back to telling me I don't care about this that & the other. He said I don't care that he isn't available each weekend to ref. Cos of his work. He then told DS not to bother to talk to me about his computer game as I didn't care. Well actually, I had turned off the prog I was watching & muted the tv to listen, so personally, I think that showed I did care & was listening.

Before his family turned up he was saying to me that he loved me & that I was wonderful. He asked if I believed that he loved me so I told him that he was very critical. Basically, I try & do EVERYTHING right. If I get a thing a tiny bit wrong he makes sure to say. Anyway he laughed & said jokingly oh you just need to follow all my instructions to the letter.

I do feel awful that I am thinking of leaving. He has no idea.

I do want to talk to him, but he is so unapproachable. I have tried talking to him in the past. I really have. But he belittles me & makes me feel strupid. He makes me feel tongue twisted. I will try again though. I owe him that much. At least if I've tried to talk to him, I won't look like I've just walked out for nothing.

It wouldn't be illegal for you to leave long enough to get your head together, figure out what you want/need, talk to him and go back to him. :)

He laughed & said jokingly oh you just need to follow all my instructions to the letter.

Doesn't matter how jocular he sounds, he's telling you what he expects.
He is ordering ~ verbal abuse disguised as a joke

www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/verbal_abuse.html

Nice husbands don't even say this in jest, you know?

He really is a head-fuck.
He's said a few things to me as a "joke". I should go up & get the babys pyjamas as I could do with the exercise. I am selfish as I won't be getting home in time for him to go to a football match.

He wants me to do a spreadsheet fopr xmas. I must make it clear, I am happy to do a list & prices for stuff I know the price of. I sat on amazon for ages yesterday! I have no problem with a budget. Really, I do not want to blow thousands of pounds on crap! So I showed him the list last night, He had a moan & said we'll still do a spread sheet to add it all up.

I quite like xmas. I can't be arsed anymore.

He has sucked the life out of me.

I went to the gp today. I clammed up & didn't say anything. But she has doubled my anti d dosage.

I try talking to him.

Last night he was pissed off & showing it. I asked him what was wrong. Nothing. He muttered he was fed up. He won't say what though. I know it is with me. I can tell by what he is like.

I don't think he's having an affair but I think there is someone in work that he admires.

Womans aid haven't called back.

There was a row on this thread. I've not really read it. Sorry, I can't do it right now.

Does your partner speak to you differently in private and in public? he can do
Do you often leave a discussion with your partner feeling completely confused? most of the time
Does your partner deny being angry or upset when he/she very obviously is? yes
Does your partner act as though you were attacking them when you try to explain your feelings? yes
Does your partner discount your opinions or experiences? yes
You feel as though no matter how hard you try, you just don't seem to be able to communicate your thoughts and feelings to your partner as he/she always seems to misunderstand you, and/or it always seems to cause an argument no matter how you try to approach the subject? YES
Do you feel nervous or avoid discussing issues which disturb you with your partner because you 'know' that trying to discuss them will just leave you feeling even more upset? yes
Do you feel as though your self-esteem and your self-confidence have decreased? all the time
Do you find yourself spending a lot of time working out either how not to upset your partner or wondering what you did or said which did upset your partner all the time

From the hidden hurt link in the above post.

sweepit - they make themselves totally UNAPPROACHABLE.

I'm sorry WA haven't called back, do you want me to chase them?

As for the other stuff, I'm sure he can tell that there is something different about you and so he is behaving badly to try to wrestle control back from you.

You know where I am if you need me.

www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/manipulator/emotional_abuse.shtml

OK, who wrote about my "d" h?!

www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/manipulator/emotional_abuse.shtml

sweepit - you said "There was a row on this thread. I've not really read it. Sorry, I can't do it right now.". Don't read it, you don't need to, it doesn't matter and you have enough to worry about and sort without that.

Are you still planning to go after Xmas?

Yeah I am. Especially after reading that link I just put.

He must bloody well know what he's doing & he must think I am so stupid.

Well, actually, I am now furious!

I am not perfect, but I am a lovely person. I am nice. Why has he felt it ok to treat me like this.

I will call womens aid again next week mrspnut Thank you x

I don't think it would matter who you were or what you were like sweep - he would treat any woman he was with the same way because it's not about you, it's about him.

I'm sure you are lovely.