name changer with relationship problem

[sweepitundertherug]

Sorry if this is jumbled, I can think it all in my head, but getting it into words is harder!
My husband is odd with money. This is the crux of the problems. He wouldn't see that there are any problems. As far as he's concerned he pays "housekeeping" into the joint account & if I ask he'll put some more in there. He KNOWS I hate asking for money & I budget really well. Recently he put up the "housekeeping" by £50 a month. I am very aware that I don't may the mortgage/bills btw & aware we have no debts. So I am lucky in that respect.
On the money he gives I pay for everything for the 5 of us. I am quite frugal and I am not bothered by material things so in a way he doesn't realise how much real life costs. The last few months I've had heavy spends but I needed 2 full sets of uniform from scratch, 2 of the children had growth spurts & all 3 needed winter coats.
Due to new schools I have the extra expenses of school lunches daily, bus fares & extra diesel costs.
I don't have any money for me really. My clothes are tatty.
I really felt this on the weekend. We all went shopping. I got the children their winter clothes & a few bits of underwear they needed. DH spent over £200 on 2 jumpers & 2 shirts. He does his clothes from his own money btw.
I don't have enough money in my budget for anything for me.
On the drive there, DH was saying about the spending & then pointed out that my weekend away in July has been really expensive. It was £200 for me & the 3 kids. He was away with work & if he'd been around then he could have had the kids & I could have stayed with friends. As it is, I never ever do anything as I can't arrange anything due to his job & his travelling. Not to mention weekends taken up with sport when he is around. So this one time, I thought sod it, I'm going. I don't think he really liked that anyway but ffs, this weekend he's off ABROAD for a football game. Going early Sun & back late Weds. Also he's managed to arrange something without his work getting in the way.

Now, dh isn't stingy. It's hard to describe him really. If the kids need clothes, they get them & he wouldn't have me buying the clothes from cheap shops. Their clothes mainly come from Next, M&S or Debenhams. His clothes are labels with the odd basics from M&S/Debenhams.

He gave me £500 earlier in April. It's gone. Basically got some clothes for summer, jeans as all mine were wearing thin & got some creams/make up. Also if I went for lunch or something.

He earns a very good wage. But he can't wait for me to go back to work. I don't work now after having No3 as childcare would have wiped me out. I paid for childcare for the other 2 in the holidays. He says we will afford much more when I'm working. I was earning about £600pm. OK better than nothing but hardly pays the mortgage! He basically saved while I was working. He can still afford to save now btw. He is OBSESSED with saving. I appreciate he wants to save for university/old age but tbh it's at the expense of having a life now. Well, if I'm honest, it's only me that doesn't have a life. He does, he goes to football games etc...I feel bad "wanting" money as I'm taking away from my kids future.

To go back to the very start of our relationship, it was equal, we were both working & when we got the house we split the bills equally percentage wise from our wages. Then we moved abroad for his work. How naive (sp) I was. We didn't have a penny when we went over. We basically saved. All his salary when I worked & when I wasn't then we spent as little as possible. No joint accounts either. Stupidly.

We didn't have a joint account till I stopped work after dc3. I thought it would be a proper joint account but it's just an account he pays money in for me that he can keep an eye on.

Occasionally he gets voucher bonuses from work. He'll give me half but give me less housekeeping. This really annoys me but he can't see anything wrong with it.

He is hard to talk to as he has the knack of making me feel a bit stupid.

Our relationship is fine so long as I don't bring up the money issues. I did a few months ago & he said "oh you'd have us living out our older years in a council house" I was furious & really upset about that & then he claimed he was joking. I grew up in a council house btw.

I don't have expensive tastes at all. Labels mean nothing to me. I am a frugal cook. I got a sack of spuds on the weekend for £5.50. You know, I watch the pennies.

I keep all this buried & most of the time I am "happy". I feel jealous though after the weeekend. Childish I know but my kids & dh look fine & have lovely clothes. Mine get tatty & just get replaced when I can justify it.

I am sorry this is so long. I have to get this off my chest. My chest is really tight today.

Thank you for reading. Much appreciated.

Right. OK.
Slight change of plans.
Will go after Xmas. I have a few things on before then, so really can't go.
But I will not wait till July.

Plus this gives me time to diary some more of his behaviour.

I fell like I'm in the wrong. Like I am living a lie. Becuase he has no idea I am planning anything.

I can't believe that he knows what he's going to me either. I don't think he's doing this deliberatly. Is he?

I am so mixed up & confused.

I am so scared that when I leave, noone will believe me.
He is so nice outside the home, you know.
I look like I have a wonderful life.
My kids love him. He's their dad.

I am having a real crisis of confidence today.

That's why it's good to get it written down
Re-read this to keep you focused. Have you seen any other material on emotional abuse? Do you have a library?

Does he treat anyone else the same way or are you singled out for this behaviour? If it's only you, then he is choosing to treat you in this way. It might not be a conscious choice, but if he doesn't treat everyone else the same then it is a choice nonetheless.

Regardless, his behaviour is appalling. Choosing to leave him doesn't make you wrong or bad. You are allowed to think about yourself and make choices that make your life better, it's what 'normal' people in 'normal' relationships do I believe. You are so used to thinking about him and his needs that it's difficult I know but please try and be kind to yourself. Every time you give yourself a hard time about this, think about what you would say to a friend in the same situation and try and say it to yourself.

It's only natural to be mixed up and confused in your situation. He has conditioned you over a period of time so you don't know whether you're coming or going or whether what he says is true even though you know it's not.

When you leave you will realise how bad his behaviour really is. And I would recommend counselling afterwards to help you come to terms with a lot of it. When you get to a place where you are comfortable in yourself and you really know your own mind when you're free of someone else telling you what you really think, it won't really matter a jot whether other people believe you or not.

You know the real him. You know you don't have a wonderful life and that's enough reason to leave him. Other people don't have to live with him so bugger what they think! And you might be surprised how many people have an inkling of what he's really like.

PS. Have you read the Lundy Bancroft book? See if you can read it at the library if it's too difficult to get at home.

Sorry, I am reading all your replies.

Oh my god. I have read about gas lighting.
I have read the links on the emotional abuser thread.

It's like they've got his personality & described him.

Not exactly every single thing but near enough.

OK. Deep breathe. He was voilent to me once. When hew got back after I discovered he'd had an affair.

Thinking about it, he has threatened violence if I ever left. And god forbid, if I ever went with another man he'd kill the other man & me.

Thing is, how can I go to a refuge with 3 kids & no bruises & no proof.

I am petrefied. Now I am fully understanding & admitting to myself what is going on. I am so scared.

Sorry, I am aware I am wittering & going on this morning. But Oh my goodness. Oh god.

OP, as malinkey says, all those people who think he's so nice, DON'T live with him. What good is that to you if he is really nice to other people?

I would suggest you get some information asap. You have nothing to lose by gaining knowledge about where you stand, and it will enable you to feel a bit more in control of your own life (empower you).

Once you become enlightened, as you are starting to be, you won't go back to living in ignorance of the dynamics of your situation.

OP, I know how you feel. The more information you research about this, the more 'aha' moments you have. They are quite shocking and very upsetting. Give yourself little breaks when trying to digest it all, rather than overloading your head with it because it can feel like your head is going to explode, plus it is deeply upsetting to realise your partner treats you so unkindly and uses such twisted tactics.

Sweep, one thing really stood out for me: "It is hard to make phone calls in the week as if any cost any money he wants to know who they were to..."

I think if you tell that to anyone else I think it will help them understand what he is like.

By the way, have you got your internet history hidden?

Lovey, you are doing really, really well, you're facing up to a prcoessing a hell of a shock and like somone said, once you know it, you can't 'unknow' it.

You're doing just fine, there has been a huge shift in your reality and it's hard to believe that wouldn't be blindingly obvious to everyone else.

Can you talk to anyone in rl?

A practical step you should take asap is getting orginals of passports birth certs bank docs together when you can and copies of other documents.

WA don't need to you have bruises, they don't need you to justify yourself.

It might be worth considering putting together a bag with essentials in just in case you decide to go quickly, make sur eyou can get your hands quickly on the precious thing sthe kids love (fave teddies etc)

People WILL believe you. You don't have to have bruises from an abusive relationship. And one with financial abuse and gaslighting, where he has affairs and threathens to kill you if you leave? Of course it's abusive.

You are doing the right thing for you and DCs.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1179585-Im-all-mixed-up-confused-dont-know-what-to-do nothings changed. I was unable to log in with that user name. It didn't occur to me to C&P

He will never change.

I keep remembering things he has done.

I have gotten so used to what he's like that I switch off to it all.

When I went to the women's aid safe house I told them I felt fraudulent because I didn't have black eyes and a split lip. They put me right on that one, what was I going to do? Wait until I was phoning from hospital?

It was the kindness of strangers who helped me make the move. My boyfriend beat me up on the plane to Sydney. The next day we were walking by the opera house when a couple who were on the plane approached us. I realised then that I wasn't 'mad', it was real.

I was scared people wouldn't believe me, he came from a good family, had money, was handsome and had gone to a school often spoken about on mn (we were very young). 'Nice' people like him and I were not involved in domestic abuse.

That world seems a million miles away now. I'm so glad I made that phonecall. There is so much they can and will do to help.

sweep - so he hasn't changed since you last posted and you know he's not going to change. I know you're scared and you can't imagine how you can get out of your situation - but you can. Lots of women have done even though they may have thought the same way.

Why don't you phone Women's Aid and tell them what you've told us and see what they suggest? Or consult a solicitor for a free half hour and get some advice? Or go to CAB?

You can take back control of your life. It might be scary now, but once you've done it your life will just get better and better.

sweep how are you feeling today?

Thanks for asking malinkey

Last night was fine.

I bought myself a coat today. I am not wearing last years tatty thing. It went bobbly & looks horrible.

Good for you - keep taking these steps to look after yourself and one day you'll believe you deserve better.

How do you think he will react?

Good for you, hope you enjoy it

thanks.
I don't give a shit how he'll react. That's how I feel atm!

Was looking at local rents. Oh my god £800 for 2 bed. I have girl & 2 boys. Suppose I can share with my daughter or sleep in the livin room.

I've no idea how the entitled to website works either as I don't know what I'm entitled to!

Also I somehow need to save up money to rent. Plus then someone would need to take in someone on the dss.

God, "D" h would love that. Me on benefits. He hates benefits claimants.

I will get a job btw. Again, not sure how it works, with regard to working & benefits. I will need childcare for youngest & middle child would need childcare in the holidays.

It's such a lot to do.

It;s so expensive around here as well.

Go and speak to someone from your local council. Do you have one stop shops by where you live? They will be able to give you advice about what you can claim and what level of housing benefit you could get. I think you also need to speak to someone from the homeless section. They should have housing advisors who can help you. I worked in a one stop shop until recently. If you had come to see me and told me what is on this thread I would have arranged for you to see a housing advisor. Please consider doing this, they may well be able to help you.

Please, please, do get advice Sweep. You can try Womens Aid, the CAB and the council offices. You realise that, after a divorce, you'll be entitled to half and your H will be obliged to ensure the chidren are adequately provisioned?

I promise it all seems less frightening when you've got proper information!

Hope you're enjoying your new coat :)

You will get support from him, please find time to chat to someone and ensure you have everything you can get.

Keep it up.

Great day here for parading in a new coat, hope it's the same for you.

Have you spoken to women's aid yet? If you are worried about the phone then look online for your local branch and call in during their opening hours.

Otherwise pick a time that DS2 is asleep and use a phnebox to call the freephone number. They will tell you what I nave, he is an abusive cockwomble and you can leave him and have a decent amount of money to live on. They will help you all the way.

I called my gp this morning. I thought I'd start there.
Except neither of the docs I trust are there today.
He's off during half term. So 9 days to deal with.
Will have his mum & borther up on the weekend. I said on Sunday evening we should eat out as I can't fit everyone around the table. He said we can't afford it. We do nothing. We never eat out. Me & him never go out (no babysitter) We don't do anything. We don't have "stuff" in our house. But for once is a blue moon we cannot afford to eat out. He says he prefers my cooking. I said noone ever cooks for me. He said he'll make me cheese on toast. Whoop de fucking whoop. Cheese on fucking toast.

I am so depressed. I need to up my dosage but can't see the gp till after half term now.

Talking about the dale farm thing. He has said this in the past as well but he thinks legal aid should be stopped.

I had a coughing fit last night. he moaned he couldn't hear the tv.

He is fine as long as I am "good". That is the best way I can describe him.

I am currently flatlining & it's not good. I wish I had kept all this buried.

Sorry to be such a misery guts. You are all fab to read & reply. It means a lot to me.

borther brother!