name changer with relationship problem

[sweepitundertherug]

Sorry if this is jumbled, I can think it all in my head, but getting it into words is harder!
My husband is odd with money. This is the crux of the problems. He wouldn't see that there are any problems. As far as he's concerned he pays "housekeeping" into the joint account & if I ask he'll put some more in there. He KNOWS I hate asking for money & I budget really well. Recently he put up the "housekeeping" by £50 a month. I am very aware that I don't may the mortgage/bills btw & aware we have no debts. So I am lucky in that respect.
On the money he gives I pay for everything for the 5 of us. I am quite frugal and I am not bothered by material things so in a way he doesn't realise how much real life costs. The last few months I've had heavy spends but I needed 2 full sets of uniform from scratch, 2 of the children had growth spurts & all 3 needed winter coats.
Due to new schools I have the extra expenses of school lunches daily, bus fares & extra diesel costs.
I don't have any money for me really. My clothes are tatty.
I really felt this on the weekend. We all went shopping. I got the children their winter clothes & a few bits of underwear they needed. DH spent over £200 on 2 jumpers & 2 shirts. He does his clothes from his own money btw.
I don't have enough money in my budget for anything for me.
On the drive there, DH was saying about the spending & then pointed out that my weekend away in July has been really expensive. It was £200 for me & the 3 kids. He was away with work & if he'd been around then he could have had the kids & I could have stayed with friends. As it is, I never ever do anything as I can't arrange anything due to his job & his travelling. Not to mention weekends taken up with sport when he is around. So this one time, I thought sod it, I'm going. I don't think he really liked that anyway but ffs, this weekend he's off ABROAD for a football game. Going early Sun & back late Weds. Also he's managed to arrange something without his work getting in the way.

Now, dh isn't stingy. It's hard to describe him really. If the kids need clothes, they get them & he wouldn't have me buying the clothes from cheap shops. Their clothes mainly come from Next, M&S or Debenhams. His clothes are labels with the odd basics from M&S/Debenhams.

He gave me £500 earlier in April. It's gone. Basically got some clothes for summer, jeans as all mine were wearing thin & got some creams/make up. Also if I went for lunch or something.

He earns a very good wage. But he can't wait for me to go back to work. I don't work now after having No3 as childcare would have wiped me out. I paid for childcare for the other 2 in the holidays. He says we will afford much more when I'm working. I was earning about £600pm. OK better than nothing but hardly pays the mortgage! He basically saved while I was working. He can still afford to save now btw. He is OBSESSED with saving. I appreciate he wants to save for university/old age but tbh it's at the expense of having a life now. Well, if I'm honest, it's only me that doesn't have a life. He does, he goes to football games etc...I feel bad "wanting" money as I'm taking away from my kids future.

To go back to the very start of our relationship, it was equal, we were both working & when we got the house we split the bills equally percentage wise from our wages. Then we moved abroad for his work. How naive (sp) I was. We didn't have a penny when we went over. We basically saved. All his salary when I worked & when I wasn't then we spent as little as possible. No joint accounts either. Stupidly.

We didn't have a joint account till I stopped work after dc3. I thought it would be a proper joint account but it's just an account he pays money in for me that he can keep an eye on.

Occasionally he gets voucher bonuses from work. He'll give me half but give me less housekeeping. This really annoys me but he can't see anything wrong with it.

He is hard to talk to as he has the knack of making me feel a bit stupid.

Our relationship is fine so long as I don't bring up the money issues. I did a few months ago & he said "oh you'd have us living out our older years in a council house" I was furious & really upset about that & then he claimed he was joking. I grew up in a council house btw.

I don't have expensive tastes at all. Labels mean nothing to me. I am a frugal cook. I got a sack of spuds on the weekend for £5.50. You know, I watch the pennies.

I keep all this buried & most of the time I am "happy". I feel jealous though after the weeekend. Childish I know but my kids & dh look fine & have lovely clothes. Mine get tatty & just get replaced when I can justify it.

I am sorry this is so long. I have to get this off my chest. My chest is really tight today.

Thank you for reading. Much appreciated.

He did go abroad where he said he was going. And the currency was for the place he was going. That I do know. And the football on Tues, he will come home with a programme, so I know he'll be going there.
I am thinking he is probably not having an actual affair. Yet. But there is someone out there that he's met, who is better than me.

I have been having a good think about leaving him. And thinking about the practicalities.

I need to have some money behind me. The children have both started new schools.

So am thinking of leaving next July. yes, that's a long time away. He is not violent. But when I do my shopping, once a week, I'll pay on the debit card & get £10 cashback & save. I shall also try & save some money from my child benefit. Also if I get any money, I shall put that aside. He may give me some of his bonus in April. If I leave at end of July I shall also have the money he puts in the joint account. It is really expensive for rents around here, so I will need money behind me.

Will the WA 0800 number show up on my phone bill. It is hard to make phone calls in the week as if any cost any money he wants to know who they were to...

On the weekend I know he refs on a Sun as he comes back dirty & with the money he's earnt. And on a Sat when he goes to a match he takes our son with him.

I feel quite on edge & also like I'm living a bit of a lie now I've decided what to do.

Thank you all.

Well done. Is your home phone provided by BT? Calls to Womens Aid don't show up on BT bills, but they may if you use a different provider or ring from a mobile.

Does he check your till receipts?

Have a look at this thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1317309-Tips-for-squirrelling-money-away. You might be able to sell stuff the kids have grown out of - use eBay with a new PayPal account, and leave your takings in there until you're ready to go.

To keep your detachment, see this page on the Womens Aid website, 'What are the signs of domestic violence?', halfway down. Look at how much of it applies, not the bits that don't!

Yes, it does feel odd - rather like "Sleeping With The Enemy"! Try to bear in mind that he's been acting like an enemy for a long time - as SGB said, the evidence says he doesn't really see you as a whole human being so, in that respect, he's been living a lie (the pretence of a reasonably balanced marriage) ever since DC1 was born :(

It does help, ime, to learn the names of his favourite manipulation tactics, then you can observe him in a detached sort of way - labelling his techniques and even trying out different kinds of response to see how that alters his 'script'. There's support for this on the emotional abuse thread, as you know.

I am really cross with him. You sound so nice and he just takes the full mile out of you each time. It's a pity (for your sake and DC's) that he can't appreciate you and give you back the love & respect you deserve. But he can't, the wally He's just not made that way, is he.

Use the secret-keeping as inner strength. Every time he is a pig to you just think 'hahaha you have no idea I'm about to leave you...' and it may help you get through.

I am so glad you have the strength to do this and are thinking of practical ways to escape. This gives you the power back.

So he monitors your phone usage too?! This is worse than I thought.

Also, I would just like to stress, if he has got his eye on someone else, it is nothing to do with her being better than you! It's more like he has you down-trodden and trapped and is looking for fresh prey.

One day you will look back at this and be amazed at what you have put up with.
Stay strong!

If you left him you are entitled to half the equity in the house, it is legally yours, he would also have to pay maintenance, can you start frittering away some savings for yourself?

YY to "better than you". A better victim perhaps, certainly not a better person, wife and mother!

Just to forestall the phone worries - If you visit your doctor to discuss your stress, self-harm, etc, and tell them about all this stuff, they will let you ring WA from there. At least, they're supposed to. If you've got a horrid GP, talk to the practice nurse instead.

Oops you are also entiteld to half any savings and pension.

talk to Women's Aid and get legal advice. You will not have nothing, your marital assets are yours as well. And he will have to pay child support. You will probably have more than now . Earning 100K and giving you a generous allowance of 500 for half a year - all of his salary is your money as much as his.

But this is not even the worst part. The way he tells you he wants you to work but sabotages it by not coming home in time. And the currency - he deliberately organizes it to keep you at home, doesn't tell you (in normal families, he would actually ask if you could do him this favour) and sulks and complains that you never do anything for him? This is just horrible.

Everybody deserves to be in a relationship where they are treated with love, kindness and respect. You too.

Thank you folks.

I am going to use this as a bit of a diary of his behaviour towards me. I've nowhere else to hide it.

Last night.
I made chicken & chips for dinner. He ate it all as well as 2 slices of bread & butter. When he finished he was cross with me for giving him so much as he was so full. I said, he should have left some as I've no idea how much he can eat. He told me he hates waste.

He's got a new fuel card through work. I get one as well. I pay for the fuel on this card, but it turns out the money will just be deducted directly from his salary each month. So he has told me he'll give me £90 less housekeeping. Before the kids went to their new schools I put £30-40 diesel in a month. It's £90 now due to the school runs. If he was going to take any (ffs) then it should only be £30. He has to pay the bills you see. Now I know he has to pay the bills, but he finds any excuse to give me less money than he has to.

I was out today so I asked him if he needed any "smellies" so he said he needed some stuff. He then rather agressivly asked me why I always got him sensitive shave gel. TBH I just get the same one every time as then I know it won't be wrong. He ordered that I no longer get him sesitive stuff as why do I think he has sensitive skin. He also needed razors. He told be about 4 times which ones to get. I once many moons ago accidentally bought him the wrong ones...

Yesterday afternoon I was thinking I was being silly. He is nice. As he was being nice to me.

He isn't though. He is nice when it suits him.

I think I have learnt to love with his behaviour & try not to notice it. Now I have, I realise he is horrible to me most days. Everyone has their off moments, but I think in a normal relationship, these incidences would be few & far between. If at all.

Also he wants me to do a spreadsheet for christmas presents. I'll save Christmas for another time

Ahem. What a tosser.
Good idea about the diary/log, OP. Keep it up!

good god, please excuse my typos. I even previewed it!

What a horrible place to be. Yes, recon he is a total control freak.

As one of the other posters said, I'd be inclined to start stashing small amounts away.

Could you not maybe think about childminding? That way you don't have to pay anyone for childcare. When my DP and I split up he left me with nothing and this is what I did. You do have to attend a course through the local council but it's free.

He won't allow me to childmind. I'd need stairgates attached to the walls you see.

He does like to be in complete control.

I have to keep this diary/log or I'll "forget" what he does.

Just remembered another thing from last night.

He'd forgotten to give dd her pocket money so he gave it to me to give to her. It is one whole pound. He then said, make sure you give it to her, I know what you're like.

Why has he got such a downer on me.

I am a nice person. I really am.

sweepit - I know the one. An ongoing character assassination against you.

Do I know you OP?

That was my experience.He had a permanent downer on me;I was 'the enemy'. It is soul-destroying to live with a partner who isn't on the same side as you.But why would they be? It's about control.

sweepit - money is of primary importance to your OH. Learn from this, and think about making plans for yourself with money. He does. I'm sorry you're going through this. Sadly, you are correct-he is nice to you when it suits him.

Sweep, this isn't about your legal rights but just your rights as a normal human being (and everyone else's rights, too.) How do you feel when you read it?
www.caepv.org/membercenter/files/your_bill_of_rights.pdf

what a bast**d!!!!

I hope you can plan your escape and be able to live like a you want not being constantly put down by this idiot

good luck and write as much as you can

planning your escape will help you to feel better and with the help on here you will succeed - I am sure about that :)

You're not allowed to use the phone without getting a grilling for it?

Jesus Christ.

Keeping logging your stuff here and planning your escape.

This is no life :(

I'm at a loss as to your reasons for posting, unless just to vent, as you're clearly not wanting to change anything.

You say he saves like mad, for example.....well when you leave, you're entitled to half of those,savings and everything else. You're entitled to what, about 30% of his clearly substantial salary. So whilst I don't think personally that finances are a reason to stay, as I've walked away with nothing myself just to escape, if that's your main concern, it may not be a valid one.

Please please read your replies and consider acting on the fabulous advice. You're worth so much more than this and so are your children.

I just read the part about food to my husband, he thought I was joking. He eats too much and even this is your fault?

Listen to everybody - he is not a nice man and if you're worried about money, you and DC's will be better off when you leave.

You're thinking of leaving this person next July?. Why July and in the meantime put up with another 9 months of his abusive behaviour towards you and by turn his children?. I would urge you not to wait that long. I fear you may come up with some excuses not to leave him then either. He will further mess with your head (and by turn your childrens') the longer you remain within this abusive situation becuase you are teaching them subconsciously that this is acceptable to you.

You do need to plan an escape but Womens Aid will help with that and you could get out of there with your children long before next July.

You are a nice person yes who has been conditioned over the years by him to accept such abusive treatment. He has been unfaithful too and blamed you for that as well. Also abuse like he shows is insidious in its onset and women can downplay the warning signs that are there. He like abusers of all stripes does nice/nasty very well but its a continuous cycle. He'll soon go back to being abusive.

July is too far away you need to be gone with your children long before then. You've already self harmed out of frustration and having no control at all over this situation:(.

Please talk to Womens Aid and get some decent legal advice NOW.

I beg your pardon Etti, but I will be bloody leaving. Posting here is making me realise just what he is being like. I need to post here.

Getting the money from him will not be easy. I will need money behind me, Hence me saving. Did £10 cashback yesterday, that's a start. He gives me as little money as he can get away with.

I live in the south east, There is Very Little social housing. Rent is Very Expensive.

He is not violent so I cannot get him to leave the house so I can live here.

I'll be back later, am off out for the day!

Thank you for your replies.

You do NOT need money behind you to leave.

When I phoned Women's Aid one morning I fare-dodged to get to the safe house and they left a fiver out for me to buy food/ciggies for that night.

I had two bags of clothes and they gave me some smellies.

They sorted out all my benefits and helped me put my life back together.

They will help you get your bloody money out of him.