name changer with relationship problem

[sweepitundertherug]

Sorry if this is jumbled, I can think it all in my head, but getting it into words is harder!
My husband is odd with money. This is the crux of the problems. He wouldn't see that there are any problems. As far as he's concerned he pays "housekeeping" into the joint account & if I ask he'll put some more in there. He KNOWS I hate asking for money & I budget really well. Recently he put up the "housekeeping" by £50 a month. I am very aware that I don't may the mortgage/bills btw & aware we have no debts. So I am lucky in that respect.
On the money he gives I pay for everything for the 5 of us. I am quite frugal and I am not bothered by material things so in a way he doesn't realise how much real life costs. The last few months I've had heavy spends but I needed 2 full sets of uniform from scratch, 2 of the children had growth spurts & all 3 needed winter coats.
Due to new schools I have the extra expenses of school lunches daily, bus fares & extra diesel costs.
I don't have any money for me really. My clothes are tatty.
I really felt this on the weekend. We all went shopping. I got the children their winter clothes & a few bits of underwear they needed. DH spent over £200 on 2 jumpers & 2 shirts. He does his clothes from his own money btw.
I don't have enough money in my budget for anything for me.
On the drive there, DH was saying about the spending & then pointed out that my weekend away in July has been really expensive. It was £200 for me & the 3 kids. He was away with work & if he'd been around then he could have had the kids & I could have stayed with friends. As it is, I never ever do anything as I can't arrange anything due to his job & his travelling. Not to mention weekends taken up with sport when he is around. So this one time, I thought sod it, I'm going. I don't think he really liked that anyway but ffs, this weekend he's off ABROAD for a football game. Going early Sun & back late Weds. Also he's managed to arrange something without his work getting in the way.

Now, dh isn't stingy. It's hard to describe him really. If the kids need clothes, they get them & he wouldn't have me buying the clothes from cheap shops. Their clothes mainly come from Next, M&S or Debenhams. His clothes are labels with the odd basics from M&S/Debenhams.

He gave me £500 earlier in April. It's gone. Basically got some clothes for summer, jeans as all mine were wearing thin & got some creams/make up. Also if I went for lunch or something.

He earns a very good wage. But he can't wait for me to go back to work. I don't work now after having No3 as childcare would have wiped me out. I paid for childcare for the other 2 in the holidays. He says we will afford much more when I'm working. I was earning about £600pm. OK better than nothing but hardly pays the mortgage! He basically saved while I was working. He can still afford to save now btw. He is OBSESSED with saving. I appreciate he wants to save for university/old age but tbh it's at the expense of having a life now. Well, if I'm honest, it's only me that doesn't have a life. He does, he goes to football games etc...I feel bad "wanting" money as I'm taking away from my kids future.

To go back to the very start of our relationship, it was equal, we were both working & when we got the house we split the bills equally percentage wise from our wages. Then we moved abroad for his work. How naive (sp) I was. We didn't have a penny when we went over. We basically saved. All his salary when I worked & when I wasn't then we spent as little as possible. No joint accounts either. Stupidly.

We didn't have a joint account till I stopped work after dc3. I thought it would be a proper joint account but it's just an account he pays money in for me that he can keep an eye on.

Occasionally he gets voucher bonuses from work. He'll give me half but give me less housekeeping. This really annoys me but he can't see anything wrong with it.

He is hard to talk to as he has the knack of making me feel a bit stupid.

Our relationship is fine so long as I don't bring up the money issues. I did a few months ago & he said "oh you'd have us living out our older years in a council house" I was furious & really upset about that & then he claimed he was joking. I grew up in a council house btw.

I don't have expensive tastes at all. Labels mean nothing to me. I am a frugal cook. I got a sack of spuds on the weekend for £5.50. You know, I watch the pennies.

I keep all this buried & most of the time I am "happy". I feel jealous though after the weeekend. Childish I know but my kids & dh look fine & have lovely clothes. Mine get tatty & just get replaced when I can justify it.

I am sorry this is so long. I have to get this off my chest. My chest is really tight today.

Thank you for reading. Much appreciated.

Just blinkin' well phone Women's Aid - if you don't do it I'm going to come and find you and give you a "stern talking to" and if that fails a chinese burn!

I know you're worried about the practicalities of moving on and getting your own flat. Of the many things Women's Aid did for me was arrange a flat with the council (they know who to call and which criteria to use), or they know which department to contact to get you the deposit paid with a private rental. They arrange legal aid. They fill in your benefits forms*. They arrange second hand furniture to furnish your new place. They arrange someone to come and hang curtains/fit lights/etc., etc. They want to help you get back on your feet.

(*Naice girls like me didn't know how to fill in benefits forms. )

My life took a different turn in the end and I didn't take that council flat but instead went off to university instead, but again, they helped me with that because I needed to fill in forms for the council saying why I'd only been in the borough 72 hours before asking for a grant...

Oh and stop worrying about "he never takes me anywhere nice" - he doesn't sound like the kind of man you'd want a nice afternoon out with tbh. :(

sweepit-he says you can't afford to go out to eat (can't he give you a day off from cooking for once), and you and he don't go out as a couple either. He doesn't make much effort, does he. So familiar. He wants everything to run smoothly and efficiently around him, with you being some kind of a human being without any needs, other than the practical necessities. What about family holidays - do you all go on those?

Yeah we go on holiday.
They're usually ok. Well I have to make an effort to enjoy them for the kids sakes as for me it's the same crap as being at home, but somewhere else!

I called womans aid.

Honestly Alpine, I can remember chinese burns from school & they're not nice!

It took me hours to pluck up the courage. The lady couldn't have been nicer.

It is EA. I will be able to get out.

As he's off for half term, someone is calling me back a week Mon when the kids have returned to school.

I said I do not need to get out immediatly as there is no violence. But I will need to leave as he won't be nice if I said I wanted a divorce or anything.

well done for phoning Women's Aid, very proud of you, it's a big step.
See, people will believe you.
do you feel a bit better?

now think about a solicitor or the CAB!

Oh, well done, Sweep! I'm so glad the lady was nice and is going to ring back when it's safe :) Always good to know there's someone on your team.

I keep remembering little things. Hope noone minds me noting them down on here.

I suggested getting sky+ as we had a dodgy video recorded. He refused. Till a work collegue said to get it & then it was a good idea & so we got it.

If I know something he doesn't know he says to me "oh you know everything don't you"

Once I told him something & before believing me, he looked it up on the internet.

Keep posting! :)

The business with Sky+ and disbelieving your knowledge is belittling - he counts your opinion worthless, and then does it again with the "You know everything" crack.

Belittling AND discounting! I missed one out!

This sounds not dissimiliar to my relationship. I get housekeeping also, he calls it that. I hate it! I get £40 per week just for me (if I want to buy coffee, petrol, or clothes or make up or a magazine or whatever, it's purely for me) then he gives me £75 per week for food and moans when I've run out (I too buy fresh food, veg, fruit and meat). He has no concept of how much things cost and said to me once "I ask you to do one thing, budget for the food and you can't even do that properly".

My partner, to save tax as he's self employed, started paying me a wage each month (it's common) as it's a tax break....but that wage was more than his budgeted food shopping/my money so I have to pay him back however much it is depending on how many days in the month there are ...he just doesn't see that that is wrong as he says it's budgeting, it's all we've got. yet he doesnt see that it's actually taking money off the family, off himself!

I can totally understand how you feel. They are all "it's both our money" etc and all lovey dovey when you mention it, buy really, you have no idea how much money he has actually got therefore you are be controlled by that.

I hope you sort it out.Good luck hun

YY to the Sky + thing, except as it's my money we live on, I got it anyway.

Well done sweep! You're doing brilliantly you know that? I'm glad you got through to WA but I'm really sorry you're stuck with him over half term.

Keep writing it down, it'll help you remember why you're getting out if you wobble.

misskalse - sounds like you're in a horrible situation too. Are you planning to get out too?

Well done for phoning WA. The start of empowering yourself!

Well done you, seriously a huge step.
Apparently mynew kitten objects to me typing! :)

Keep your chin up you are amazing
x

So glad you phoned WA & that she was so nice. You're doing amazingly well & can do this.

I know how you feel..I never thought I'd be on benefits but after we left I only needed to claim for a few months before work got sorted etc, its an interim measure, a means to an end to help you get back on your feet and it's not forever, so please don't feel bad about it. As you will realise when you speak to the lady from WA again, there is an awful lot of support available to you.

Believe me, life is so much better now, I feel like a normal person and I actually respect and like myself so much more for not putting up with my xdp. As mentioned before, dd is incredibly happy which was my biggest worry. Must admit my xp doesn't sound quite as bad but I had zero confidence and self-esteem when I left and actually felt quite bonkers most of the time because of the emotional rollercoaster I was on, which makes it all the harder. That's why you are doing so great!

Hope you're feeling ok today
x

I can't believe my threat of a chinese burn worked!

Well done for phoning WA, you must be floating around wearing a secret smirk now. I'm also thrilled they'll be phoning back Monday week - fantastic news! Keep your cool, keep your cool. You're nearly there!

Might be an idea to "mentally pack" - you know, figure out what you're going to take given that you might need to go with just a few suitcases. E.g., clothes you will need, papers, passports, birth certificates, national insurance number, last tax document, bank account details, etc., etc. Jewellry, anything really sentimental. Not sure if you have your own car and will be taking that, but again, car ownership papers, insurance docs, driving license. All of these things can be replaced but it would be a real pita to do so!

Once you're in the car or on your way to the train station on the way to the safe house, clear those bank accounts! A lot of bank cards now have a daily limit for withdrawal - so if you can get in to the branch that might be an advantage.

There is a thread somewhere on stuff you need to think about taking...wil try and link.

Not new, but the advice is good.www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1246223-Planning-on-leaving-very-soon-have-I-forgotten-anything#26125305

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1246223-Planning-on-leaving-very-soon-have-I-forgotten-anything#26125305

I don't understand why everyone is saying "leave, leave, leave" when you haven't actualy tried everything possible to rectify and improve your marriage. He doesn't even KNOW you are so unhappy does he? Do marriage vows mean nothing these days?

You say you have tried to talk to him but he just turns everything round on you. Well try again. And again. You seem quiote coherent on here. Perhaps you could try writing him a letter or an email explaining how you've been feeling lately and that you fear talking to him face to face because you can't get the words out right.

Have you actually asked him if HE is happy? Perhaps that is a good place to start. "DH, are you happy in life at the moment? It seems lately as though you are very stressed and miserable - with us, in particular. How are you feeling about things? Can we get a babysitter tomorrow night and go out for dinner and just talk, like we used to before the kids? I miss those days you know."

You assume he is fine but it doesn't sound like it to me. His behaviour sounds typical of a man who is deeply miserable in his marriage but doesn't know what to do about it or how to handle it. His words to you sound as though he is resentful and bitter, but perhaps everything he says or does seems evil because the way he is feeling inside poisons his actions. Maybe he is feeling just as dissatisfied and trapped as you are. Blaming you for losing his freedom, for having less disposable income, feeling resentful that you "get to stay at home" while he has a stressful job, feeling like you don't appreciate or understand what he does every day. And because of that he is blinkered and selfish and not able to feel empathy for YOUR stresses and strains.

Surely he should at least be given a chance to change things? Even if you tell him how deeply unhappy you are, that you can't go on the way things are now, that unless he agrees to go to counselling you will be filing for divorce then he can at least be given the opportunity to fix some of these behaviours.

I apreciate that "emotional abuse" is very real and devastating but it is also very difficult to really identify what is ABUSIVE (which involves a deliberate and conscious manipulation) from what is just thoughtless, selfish, unpleasant behaviour - which can be fixed given the right circumstances.

Do you really think he would rather lose his kids and half his wealth rather than change the way he interacts with you?

It sounds like you personally are very depressed (sounds like you are on meds for it and have also had mental health issues before). Are you REALLY in the right frame of mind be be able to make a sound judgement at this point which will affect 3 small children as well as you and him? And are a bunch of anonymous internet posters who don't know you or your situation really the best people to be taking advice from on an issue of this magnitude? You really ought to speak to someone in real life who knows you both and who might be able to give you an objective view rather than coming on here and building up some "ase" to demonise you husband as much as possible, egged on by internet strangers.

Perhaps some individual counselling may also help before you take this drastic step?

Ion. I for one am saying leaving is the first option. But preparing to leave if you HAVE to to save your sanity, or whatever is sensible.

Meant, if you work it out, great, but he's got to want to, and this requires him to stop being abusive and controlling about money.

How fucking dare you imply that the abuse is not real because she may have suffered mental health problems?

Yes but she isn't even giving him the CHANCE to work it out. Leaving should be the LAST option, not the first one. Or did everyone elses marriage vows say something different to mine? Marriage isn't always easy. People cheat, people are assholes to each other. Sometimes its miserable for months or even years. But it doesn't have to be awful forever if both parties (yes, of course it takes 2) are prepared to be open and honest about their issues. A couple can work through problems IF they can discuss them like reasonable human beings - provided they are given the opportunity to do so.

No doubt he has some things he would like HER to do differently. He wouldn't be acting like such an asshat if he didn't. No one is perfect. But they need to communicate about it. Leaving is often just exchanging one set of problems and pains for another set.

She is not in any physical danger. And she has not explored all the options here in trying to fix her marriage or at least open a dialogue to try to. There is no need to rush into what is possbily an even more emotionally challenging and financially difficult situation which will also severly traumatise her very content children.

Read the post. Did NOT imply that. I have mh probs myself. Sometimes you have to leave to avoid them becoming worse. Get a grip,