How many of the men in your life have used prostitutes, compared with how many who haven't? I'd like to ask for help or perspectives on this?

[aliasforthis2]

I'm a semi-regular poster but obviously have name-changed for this.

I feel sad and like I've seen things I cannot un-see.

So if you can be reasonably sure that your husband or partner or ex or other male in your life has NOT used prostitutes post please post here.

Likewise if any males in your life HAVE used prostitutes please post here too.

And also if they gave reasons for either doing it or not doing it or given their views on the sex industry please post them.

Hopefully it will give me a more balanced perspective than my current "all men are johns who did these things" and help my recovery.

I worked as a prostitute for 4 years and stopped/exited nearly 18 months ago. The reason I started working as a prostitute was because it was sold to me as a glamourous and easy way to make money. At the time I had many debts and was working minimum wage and living totally hand-to-mouth with no room for manouvere,if an unexpected financial burden hit like a bank charge, we would be screwed having to choose between food and electric. A friend worked for an agency and I'd seen Belle du Jour and naively thought it would be like that.

Anyway, I am now out as I just couldn't handle it anymore. A very small percentage of the men were ok but the vast majority did things like -
-try to take the condoms off
-have poor hygiene and refuse to shower first worried it would take up their 'time'
-try to get service for less money or even steal back the money
-try to force services i did not offer like anal
-be unashamed about the fact they were partnered or had a wife at home
-speak to me disrespectfully and patronising, saying things like "I want to get the most for my money" etc
-scrutinize my body and give me advice on how to look better or compare me either positively or negatively to other ladies
-try to take up mush more time than paid for deliberately
-sometimes maybe once a month i was assaulted leaving bruises or spat on or held in a house
-a lot of phone or text harrassment
-most wanted young women the younger the better ie 18-20. i'm serious when i say that this is what most men wanted - young and naive. I answered the phone for the agency sometimes and i'd say three quarters of the men specifically requested 'young' ie 18-21 , 25 at a push.Which I think is disgusting given most are in their 40s wanting as close to 18 as they can.

Obviously not every man did ALL of the above but I'd be hard pressed to find a man who did not try at least one of those things. I don't know any other way to describe it.

I have been single for a while, I had a relationship with a genuinely lovely man I met at my new work for a while (no red flags) but it ended as he became a complete workaholic when starting a company and we drifted apart and split 6 months ago.

Anyway the point of this thread is for me to get a more balanced perspective on men. I had counselling on the NHS for 12 weeks which was helping but they wouldn't fund any more. I have been told by sympathetic friends who are also ex prostitutes (not told anyone in 'real life') to remind myself that it's only a v.small percentage of men who use prostitutes/escorts. But I just cannot see it like that. Every man I see walking down the street I view as a potential customer of prostitutes and treated a person how the customers treated me. I feel like punching them sometimes for no reason. Every married man I know I wonder if they have went to a prostitute with their wedding ring happily on moaning about their wife. I find myself wondering if I will ever have a relationship with trust again. I don't live in a particularly big place or a travelling business place but the sheer hoardes of men calling the agency every day and booking was unbelievable. And more than half would have unsuspecting wives or gfs.

I feel sad and like I've seen things I cannot un-see.

So if you can be reasonably sure that your husband or partner or ex or other male in your life has NOT used prostitutes post please post here.

Likewise if any males in your life HAVE used prostitutes please post here too.

And also if they gave reasons for either doing it or not doing it or given their views on the sex industry please post them.

Hopefully it will give me a more balanced perspective than my current "all men are johns who did these things" and help my recovery.

Thanks x

Of the 20-odd blokes I've slept with, only one of them admitted to using a prostitute.

He was the bastard who raped me when I was asleep. 'nuff said...

One of DHs ex collegues (sp?) did but dh is motor trade and pretty much anything goes.

DH never would as he thinks women who have been around are a bit scummy.

One of DHs married cousins tells a story of him going to two local girls and he was so good they didnt charge him. He told the story at his dads funeral when his wife had taken their little girl home. Nice. As if they would do it for free anyway.

I would put my life savings on the following:

• DH hasn't (actually, I have been friends with him since we were 15, so have a better idea that I maybe would)
• FIl hasn't
• my dad hasn't

I know lots of people might call me naive for that, but I don't care.

Fluffycloudland, did you mean to write that? What a horrible thing to say

it woulr appear that there are maybe 15 men in the uk who buy sex, and they are just realllllllly busy buying it nonstop all the time keeping the sex trade afloat

that is surely it.

I am 100% certain dh has never been with a prostitute. I am not sure that this helps but we both work in the City and its quite common. Any conferences or "big" work nights out commonly end with at least a couple of them going to a massage parlours and then getting additional services. Its well known in the work place who has or hasn't. The ones I know are always in their late 30s/early 40s very high earning men who are married with at least 2 children. These guys think they're the dogs bollocks because they earn loads more money than their wife and have little respect for their dw. but OP, not every man is like this. This is just such a small minority of the men I know. I hope you find peace in yourself and eventually go on to have a more balanced view of men.

fluffycloudland-your dh thinks women who have been around are a bit scummy I am not a militant feminist by any means but FFS!! please think about what you have just posted.

Just reading through the posts, OP and I'm so sorry for what you went through. Please be assured that the majority of men don't frequent prostitutes. Apart from the guy I mentioned (who had a seriously fucked up attitude to sex and women in general) none of my friends, family, previous and current partners would ever consider it.

Kerry, please step away from the computer. The op has posted for support recovering from an abusive situation and you're coming across extremely badly.

If you want to talk about your situation, start your own thread. This isn't about you.

Asking women this question won't give you a full picture.

I know some wives who would 100% say never. They would be wrong.

I went on a stag do once abroad and of the 40 who went at least 10 did and it may have been higher. I also know three guys who have used escorts when they were single.

I am utterly convinced that my two brothers and my father have never visited a prostitute.

I don't have a partner - fairly certain most of my exes wouldn't have visited a prostitue (one might have).

A friend went to a private show in Amsterdam. He wouldn't have visited a 1:1 prostitue ever though.

I'm really sorry you have had these experiences. Really, not all men are nasty. And I second the idea that 12 weeks of counselling is just the beginning - it takes time.

"And aliasforthis2 if any amount of money isn't enough, why didn't you either a) refuse to do it or b) do it for £10 an hour on the basis that you could never earn enough for "selling what you sold", so why try?"

Moonferret, at the start I did not not a choice to 'refuse to do it'. No I was not trafficked/pimped but I had no money at all despite not living an extravagant lifestyle and was refused for crisis loans on the basis that I was working. I had no family or friends to help out and I am a single mother of 2 young children. I did try other avenues and sold some stuff but I needed hundreds of pounds in a couple of weeks. Sure, I could have given up after a few months but I did not. I covered up the damage even to myself, bought into the media ideas of the "empowered hooker" etc and it was not until later on I realised what it was doing to me. I didn't come here for a 'woe is me' I came here for a perspective on the amount of men using prostitutes.

and b) . Would you rent out your body and fake intimacy with complete strangers for £10 ph? I was already getting minimum wage and you are supposed to pay tax on your prostitution so I'd be left with little over minimum wage in that case. That was not going to get me anywhere fast, financially.

Op -moonferret is another one to ignore am afraid-seems he has his own agenda with "gold digging" women

"This is depressing but I will tell it any ways. About five years ago a friend of a friend took up lap dancing in. She was an exceptionally good looking girl and drifted into prostitution, under the guise of being an escort. She was in the Sunday Sport. Because of the sex work she was hopelessly addicted to cocaine, and her problem became so bad she hung herself. She was 27."

I'm so sorry for your friend . Thankfully by the grace of God (or whatever is up there) I have personally never been into drugs (apart from dabbling a tiny bit when a teenager) and I've never been into drinking much. There are a lot of drugs in the sex industry, they are widely widely available. I actually knew I had to get out when I started looking at all men as attackers and I actually felt very very tempted usually to get drunk before work (something very out of character for me). Luckily I never succumbed but I can see how it becomes a vicious cycle and how sex work is actually the catalyst for a lot of these addictions. feeling worthless + quick cash + drugs everywhere = addiction in many cases x

"I know a fair few that have, I even know one bloke whose father bought him one for his 18th Birthday....they were millionaires and he got himself one too"
Yes I had that happen once too, although the guy was far from a millionaire. The older guy used to come in often and once he brought his 18 y.o son and they both picked a girl together (yuk). The older one chose me as he usually did and I was praying that the son wouldn't choose me after. I'd have probably refused but it would create hell with the management cause the father was a regular customer and they would not see it as bad unless a girl was assualted physically. Thankfully the son chose someone else. I remember thinking at the time did they compare notes afterwards? The guy had a wife as well I remember. Imagine bringing you son up to think that the wife was just there to make the dinner and clean up whilst all men are entitled to go to whores and get sex and there's nothing your mother can do about it son (etc...)? ewwww...

Alias she did do it for the quick cash but she was soon in over her head. She had always used cocaine but she soon had the financial means to buy lots. At first she bragged about her work, telling us she was paid to attend an orgy of businessmen etc.... Then she became really odd and withdrawn.

She was out having a meal with her mum, when she said "Im off home to hang myself" her mum did not take it seriously as she was always saying the most outrageous things.

She was found later that day by her sister.

If it wasnt for all the sex work she would still be here.

For what it's worth, I really think you should work on healing yourself for now. There seems to me something odd about using energy trying to convince yourself that men are generally ok. Men have hurt you, not all mne, but many, many men and you should use your energy on being good to yourself. Of course if that's what will make you feel better then obviously go for it.

Thanks and thank you to everyone else who has posted too x

I am trying my hardest to be good to myself every day, and I do feel happier and much more alive. I am really enjoying time with my children and my new job (which pays buttons but is something I enjoy). I try to do something good for myself every day and good for others every day like the counsellor advised, and to try to reconnect with my own body again and my sense of bodily privacy has been restored after feeling like everyone 'had' a part of my body for a while. It's just that I still have this distrust and cold feeling towards most men, even those I see walking down the street. It's like the poster from eaves said - I feel "you could be one of them". I think part of it is missing the man I met after I exited. He was so down-to-earth and non-judgmental. I do miss him but I'm not in any hurry to rush into a new relationship - I would just like to "drum it into myself" that all men are indeed NOT like most of the johns I encountered, iyswim? x

OP,

I think there is a part of this story missing. Your focus is on the men who use prostitutes but I?d like to know what led you to that lifestyle. I?m sure there are plenty of mums here living on the breadline who wouldn?t consider it. We live in a welfare state where nobody starves so there must be more to it than just needing a few hundred quid quickly for whatever reason.
As for the ?happy hooker? myth, I can see someone thinking about it but taking that leap is another matter. What led you to take a step that others would have baulked at?
I?m not judging you by the way; I just don?t think you can explain your situation or move beyond it by focussing solely on the men who paid for your services, despicable as many of them undoubtedly were.

None of the men I've been close to in my life (including past relationships, DH, dad, DB) have used prostitutes.

One of DHs married cousins tells a story of him going to two local girls and he was so good they didnt charge him

Yes - lots of punters think like that. That was the attitude of some who would take the money back I think. I never enjoyed the sex. If your body reacts ie - sensations or getting lubricated you push it to the back of your mind and try to completely shut off from your body, because you don't want to be intimate with lots of men you don't really like and you don't want "sex" to be about them.

alias: Hello again. I have been thinking about you all day and am in awe of your courage.

What I meant to say is that I don't think all men use prostitutes, but I think that lots do and I think it is right and proper to shout from the rooftops that the men who abused you are disgusting, have no respect for women and seem to be the only ones to really get anything out of the whole sex 'industry'. They are vile people and I despise them with you. Many of them probably have partners who would say that their DP/DH would never used a prostitute. It's ok to be angry with them and hopefully in time you'll learn that many men are great and wouldn't hurt you but maybe being angry with the men who did has to be a part of your healing. I rememebr a documentary last year or the year before about women who were trafficked into the UK to become prostitutes (really sex slaves because they saw virtually no money) and one young woman talked about how, after all her terrible experiences, she often felt utter hatred towards all the men she saw outside work. I could see absolutely why she felt that way; I think it was a perfectly normal reaction really to the horror that was her life.

I am very confident that all of the men in my life haven't used a prostitute, I am very close to a lot of my male friends too and I think that they would tell me if they had. I asked DP if he knew of anyone and he said he knew of 2 men that had used prostitutes, but he is confident too that none of his friends have or would. I hope this helps.

I think there is a part of this story missing. Your focus is on the men who use prostitutes but I?d like to know what led you to that lifestyle. I?m sure there are plenty of mums here living on the breadline who wouldn?t consider it. We live in a welfare state where nobody starves so there must be more to it than just needing a few hundred quid quickly for whatever reason.
As for the ?happy hooker? myth, I can see someone thinking about it but taking that leap is another matter. What led you to take a step that others would have baulked at?
I?m not judging you by the way; I just don?t think you can explain your situation or move beyond it by focussing solely on the men who paid for your services, despicable as many of them undoubtedly were

I do take full responsibility for the choices I made, however I can categorically say I economically/financially did not have a choice when I first started. Sure, later on, after I'd paid the immediate debts I did but by that time I was embroidled (sp?). The immediate first reason was that I had just left an abusive relationship and been re-housed to a local authority in a different area. However the house I was given had no floors or furniture except kitchen cabinets (as per health and safety regulations the previous tenants stuff is always destroyed and carpets pulled up). As I was working (got a transfer to another branch of the supermarket I worked in before moving) I did not qualify for the £1000 grant to furnish the house. I have bad credit and cannot get a store card, never mind a loan or overdraft. No family either. I agree that the welfare system is amazing and I have been soooo grateful at certain points in my life that it exists and we are so lucky in this country to have it. However.... it is not foolproof - there are many holes in it. Like the income support rate for a 17 year old single mum being less than an 18 year old single mum for one example - does the 17 y.o eat less? no. And the complexities which make applying and getting awarded difficult. I was not eligible for any social loans as I was working at the time.

Perhaps I also felt bad about the abusive relationship. The children do not see him now as he ended up trying to slit his wrists in front of the eldest, it has went through court and he was to get supervised access but he did not want supervised so did not take it up.

Think I was a bit lost, and it was at the time Belle du Jour etc first came about.

Other than the desperation, bad relationship, relative youth, and media... I have no idea. But I do take responsibility for my own actions, I am just trying to come to terms with the damage done.