How many of the men in your life have used prostitutes, compared with how many who haven't? I'd like to ask for help or perspectives on this?

[aliasforthis2]

I'm a semi-regular poster but obviously have name-changed for this.

I feel sad and like I've seen things I cannot un-see.

So if you can be reasonably sure that your husband or partner or ex or other male in your life has NOT used prostitutes post please post here.

Likewise if any males in your life HAVE used prostitutes please post here too.

And also if they gave reasons for either doing it or not doing it or given their views on the sex industry please post them.

Hopefully it will give me a more balanced perspective than my current "all men are johns who did these things" and help my recovery.

I worked as a prostitute for 4 years and stopped/exited nearly 18 months ago. The reason I started working as a prostitute was because it was sold to me as a glamourous and easy way to make money. At the time I had many debts and was working minimum wage and living totally hand-to-mouth with no room for manouvere,if an unexpected financial burden hit like a bank charge, we would be screwed having to choose between food and electric. A friend worked for an agency and I'd seen Belle du Jour and naively thought it would be like that.

Anyway, I am now out as I just couldn't handle it anymore. A very small percentage of the men were ok but the vast majority did things like -
-try to take the condoms off
-have poor hygiene and refuse to shower first worried it would take up their 'time'
-try to get service for less money or even steal back the money
-try to force services i did not offer like anal
-be unashamed about the fact they were partnered or had a wife at home
-speak to me disrespectfully and patronising, saying things like "I want to get the most for my money" etc
-scrutinize my body and give me advice on how to look better or compare me either positively or negatively to other ladies
-try to take up mush more time than paid for deliberately
-sometimes maybe once a month i was assaulted leaving bruises or spat on or held in a house
-a lot of phone or text harrassment
-most wanted young women the younger the better ie 18-20. i'm serious when i say that this is what most men wanted - young and naive. I answered the phone for the agency sometimes and i'd say three quarters of the men specifically requested 'young' ie 18-21 , 25 at a push.Which I think is disgusting given most are in their 40s wanting as close to 18 as they can.

Obviously not every man did ALL of the above but I'd be hard pressed to find a man who did not try at least one of those things. I don't know any other way to describe it.

I have been single for a while, I had a relationship with a genuinely lovely man I met at my new work for a while (no red flags) but it ended as he became a complete workaholic when starting a company and we drifted apart and split 6 months ago.

Anyway the point of this thread is for me to get a more balanced perspective on men. I had counselling on the NHS for 12 weeks which was helping but they wouldn't fund any more. I have been told by sympathetic friends who are also ex prostitutes (not told anyone in 'real life') to remind myself that it's only a v.small percentage of men who use prostitutes/escorts. But I just cannot see it like that. Every man I see walking down the street I view as a potential customer of prostitutes and treated a person how the customers treated me. I feel like punching them sometimes for no reason. Every married man I know I wonder if they have went to a prostitute with their wedding ring happily on moaning about their wife. I find myself wondering if I will ever have a relationship with trust again. I don't live in a particularly big place or a travelling business place but the sheer hoardes of men calling the agency every day and booking was unbelievable. And more than half would have unsuspecting wives or gfs.

I feel sad and like I've seen things I cannot un-see.

So if you can be reasonably sure that your husband or partner or ex or other male in your life has NOT used prostitutes post please post here.

Likewise if any males in your life HAVE used prostitutes please post here too.

And also if they gave reasons for either doing it or not doing it or given their views on the sex industry please post them.

Hopefully it will give me a more balanced perspective than my current "all men are johns who did these things" and help my recovery.

Thanks x

I think my dad used them too by the way, back when he was much younger.

Should mention that the only men who have admitted it to me have been French or city types in London - brokers and the like who admitted openly that they used them on business trips (openly in the ofice, I doubt they told their wives).

I think it is very taboo in the UK in general (other than in the City), and that a lot of you who think no-one they know would ever use a prostitute may be mistaken.

My DP is 100% against using prostitutes, he is disgusted that men 'buy' womens services and finds it seedy.
AyoopMy DP would have done the exact same thing.
My XH went with one in Gran Canaria, buoyed up by bravado. His mate told me afterwards about it, and told me it was disastrous. Wanker.
My XP (20 years my senior) did it in Prague. I am quite sure he did it to show off. He thought he was a gangster. I have since learned he used speed constantly during our time together.
My track record with men is less than sparkly, but DP is trustworthy 110%

This is depressing but I will tell it any ways. About five years ago a friend of a friend took up lap dancing in. She was an exceptionally good looking girl and drifted into prostitution, under the guise of being an escort. She was in the Sunday Sport. Because of the sex work she was hopelessly addicted to cocaine, and her problem became so bad she hung herself. She was 27.

She left behind a daughter, now about10 or 11.

Amor I'd like to know why you felt the need to say that? I don't understand the 'no shit' part.

I have very few people in my life but I can confidently say that my DH and my FIL never have, or would, use a prostitute.

One ex lost his virginity to one and another ex slept with a few but I doubt they were abusive to them.

You need to regain your trust in men. You had a relationship with one decent men so you know there are good men out there.

Coincidently both of the exes mentioned hit me - the reason I left them immediately - but it didn't make me feel the next boyfriend would. You have to treat each man fairly and with confidence they are decent, unless they show you differently.

The men in my family would never use prostitutes and have categorically told me never to date anyone who has! My brother has very strong view on this and I know he would find it hard to respect a man who had.

I have many male friends who have used them on stag nights but they have been single and I imagine very respectful; I recall one actually falling for one of the girls. This is was they were younger, if I asked them about it now, I think they would be very embarrassed.

My ex used to go to see prostitutes before he met me, he also used to use sex website where you can meet someone casually for sex (these are mostly attached men and women). I showed me these websites and sadly i realised that there are men from all walks of life on them, mostly married and some single. I was shocked and saddened and like you said, you cannot unsee what you have seen.

I feel as though i know too much and have seen too much and that is without having ever worked in a sex related business.

I feel for you, my exposure to these kind of men has completely skewed my perception of men and marriage and i like garlicchutty, I seem to be unshocked by this sort of behaviour and have the impression it is 'normal'. Sadly, it does not help that I have been approached by married men and attached men many times over the years, one who even offered to "keep me".

My current partner finds me a little strange when I make remarks about this sort of thing. At first I thought he was hiding the truth from me, I now realise that not all men have casual sex/encounters with prostitutes, women online or with random women. He loves women and he respects women and he find it's strange that I talk so casually about it. He has made me realise that I have been exposed to the wrong kind of guys or perhaps guys who should have kept there mouth shut.

It's been really hard for me to change the way I see things but as with most other things, the MORE examples you see of men that challenge your existing views, the more your perception of men with change.

Many men are very anti prostitution and very anti casual sex and have a very high regard for women.

I know a fair few that have, I even know one bloke whose father bought him one for his 18th Birthday....they were millionaires and he got himself one too. Eeeewww. I know rich public school boys that have, lots and lots, and older married for years not so rich types, I know pathetic types at work that have at as young as 20.

But overwhelmingly they are a minority. And the types of men I care for in my life have more respect for themselves, although perhaps not for women, that they wouldn't pay for sex. I don't think I know anyone who would object in favour of the exploited and used woman, not one. Society does play a huge trick on us where we blame 'those wicked women'.

OP have you tried joining a local feminist group? I think they would have a lot of time and sympathy for you.

And take care of yourself, when you close your eyes at night you have to fight your own demons, just hope that everyone else fights theirs.

I have a lot of male friends. The only man I know who has had sex with a prostitute was a very naive 18 at the time, in Thailand. He genuinely thought she was his "girlfriend". They were "together" for several weeks before he left the area, couldn't understand why she was so desperate to come with him. We had a very sad conversation afterwards where I broke it to him that she a) was probably a prostitute, being as how she was a "bar girl" living far away from her family who had sex with him immediately and b) that she had probably hoped he would rescue her in some way. At first he refused to believe she was a prostitute as he had never paid her for sex - but it did transpire that he had paid her "rent" that month, bought her expensive presents etc. I think he does now realise what the situation actually was (and regrets it).

My dad lived in a brothel for a while in his twenties (tenants as a kind of 'front' for the business I believe) so obviously he had a lot of contact with the women who worked there, I'm fairly sure he didn't have sex with any of them though as he has told me that they and the landlord all thought he was gay at the time. Plus he is a feminist.

I don't know anyone else who has ever had sex with with a prostitute or who I think is even a likely candidate to have done so. This is probably because as a feminist myself I do not have relationships with the kind of men who wish to dominate / control women in any way - and I think that is what "johns" are paying for, power over women. I'm not saying that every man who belittles his girlfriend or thinks feminists are screaming harpies also has sex with prostitutes, but I do think that those kinds of behaviour are all on the same anti-women spectrum of behaviours.

OP I can totally understand why you sometimes feel as though "all men" use and abuse women in this way, I hope that this thread helps you to see that not all men do. There are many men who would never pay for sex, for exactly the same reasons as they would never hit their partner, or attempt to control her, or emotionally abuse her - because they simply don't need to exert power over women to feel good about themselves.

On that same note I hope that this thread has also taught you that a few fuckwits aside, there are a lot of WOMEN out there who will NOT judge you or "resent" you for what you have done, or feel the need to abuse you for corrupting the poor menz.

I hope that you are able to access more RL support OP. You have already made some brave and difficult progress here.

If you know someone who has boasted about using prostitutes, what has your reaction been?

I'm not afraid to speak out about people being exploited and damaged and disrespected. Obviously it's not always going to be appropriate to start a ding-dong, but I don't think I could let that go.

No Waltraut I don't think I could let it go either!

I think that if I actually knew someone (e.g. they were a friend / relative / colleague etc) it would be even MORE important to me not to let it go. I would probably wade straight in and have a massive go at them actually.

If they were, for example, drunkards on a train I might be less quick to jump in for a "ding dong" precisely because I believe the sort of arseholes who would boast about such a thing would be more likely to exhibit threatening / dangerous behaviour towards women anyone who called them up on it.

kerrymumbles-I saw you had posted and thought you were coming back on this thread to apologise for your disgraceful beahviour last night. But no you are just coming back to have a pop again!

Please note that mnhq have deleleted a lot of your vilest posts so doubt they are going to be that sympathetic when you go crying to them now.diddums.

Out of interest, Kerrymumbles, where can you take it further to? What does that mean?

(No agenda - Don't know the situation as most of your posts have been deleted).

I daresay Kerry could get the post making particular claims about her dh deleted, I don't think anyone would care either way.

So have just asked DH, he knows of NO-ONE of the men he knows who has ever used the services of a prostitue, however he did add that the rules of how you would look/treat women seemed to be encouraged to be put to one side on stag Do's when a stripper was hired. Something that he has never been comfortable with (I have the photo#s to show how uncomfortable he is)

kerry-you may have no respect for men who use prostitutes but you clearly despise the women-its a rather worrying attitude.

You cannot compare the ow and a prostitute. The ow makes a choice if she knows the man is married to decieve another woman.

Prostitutes rarely have a choice. They are usually forced into the job by abusive men,drug habits or sheer desperation.

You should have some compassion for these women not disgust.

kerry-please do not try and now make yourself out to be the victim on this thread now-that is simply not true and I will take it further.

Qs maybe shouldnt have said what she did-though you seem to have come back and partially confirmed her comments by telling us all women are just dying to shag your dh but your comments have been bang out of order.