How many of the men in your life have used prostitutes, compared with how many who haven't? I'd like to ask for help or perspectives on this?

[aliasforthis2]

I'm a semi-regular poster but obviously have name-changed for this.

I feel sad and like I've seen things I cannot un-see.

So if you can be reasonably sure that your husband or partner or ex or other male in your life has NOT used prostitutes post please post here.

Likewise if any males in your life HAVE used prostitutes please post here too.

And also if they gave reasons for either doing it or not doing it or given their views on the sex industry please post them.

Hopefully it will give me a more balanced perspective than my current "all men are johns who did these things" and help my recovery.

I worked as a prostitute for 4 years and stopped/exited nearly 18 months ago. The reason I started working as a prostitute was because it was sold to me as a glamourous and easy way to make money. At the time I had many debts and was working minimum wage and living totally hand-to-mouth with no room for manouvere,if an unexpected financial burden hit like a bank charge, we would be screwed having to choose between food and electric. A friend worked for an agency and I'd seen Belle du Jour and naively thought it would be like that.

Anyway, I am now out as I just couldn't handle it anymore. A very small percentage of the men were ok but the vast majority did things like -
-try to take the condoms off
-have poor hygiene and refuse to shower first worried it would take up their 'time'
-try to get service for less money or even steal back the money
-try to force services i did not offer like anal
-be unashamed about the fact they were partnered or had a wife at home
-speak to me disrespectfully and patronising, saying things like "I want to get the most for my money" etc
-scrutinize my body and give me advice on how to look better or compare me either positively or negatively to other ladies
-try to take up mush more time than paid for deliberately
-sometimes maybe once a month i was assaulted leaving bruises or spat on or held in a house
-a lot of phone or text harrassment
-most wanted young women the younger the better ie 18-20. i'm serious when i say that this is what most men wanted - young and naive. I answered the phone for the agency sometimes and i'd say three quarters of the men specifically requested 'young' ie 18-21 , 25 at a push.Which I think is disgusting given most are in their 40s wanting as close to 18 as they can.

Obviously not every man did ALL of the above but I'd be hard pressed to find a man who did not try at least one of those things. I don't know any other way to describe it.

I have been single for a while, I had a relationship with a genuinely lovely man I met at my new work for a while (no red flags) but it ended as he became a complete workaholic when starting a company and we drifted apart and split 6 months ago.

Anyway the point of this thread is for me to get a more balanced perspective on men. I had counselling on the NHS for 12 weeks which was helping but they wouldn't fund any more. I have been told by sympathetic friends who are also ex prostitutes (not told anyone in 'real life') to remind myself that it's only a v.small percentage of men who use prostitutes/escorts. But I just cannot see it like that. Every man I see walking down the street I view as a potential customer of prostitutes and treated a person how the customers treated me. I feel like punching them sometimes for no reason. Every married man I know I wonder if they have went to a prostitute with their wedding ring happily on moaning about their wife. I find myself wondering if I will ever have a relationship with trust again. I don't live in a particularly big place or a travelling business place but the sheer hoardes of men calling the agency every day and booking was unbelievable. And more than half would have unsuspecting wives or gfs.

I feel sad and like I've seen things I cannot un-see.

So if you can be reasonably sure that your husband or partner or ex or other male in your life has NOT used prostitutes post please post here.

Likewise if any males in your life HAVE used prostitutes please post here too.

And also if they gave reasons for either doing it or not doing it or given their views on the sex industry please post them.

Hopefully it will give me a more balanced perspective than my current "all men are johns who did these things" and help my recovery.

Thanks x

Katie. I love the fact that a woman that is honest enough to not peddle the happy hooker myth, she's a brave soul and I wish her happiness.

alias. You know that most of us respect you and wish you lots of happiness. I think you should return to your GP and insist on more counselling, there also may be charities that can offer specific counselling and/or support groups.

Namechanger here! OP, I am so grateful you started this thread. To say this has been preying on my mind is an understatement!

I've only read the first hundred or so posts, but will go back and read the rest as soon as I've posted this message.

Back in the mid-90s, when I was 25, I worked for nearly a year as a prostitute for an escort agency. I was at the end of my tether having lost my job, and it looked as though I would lose my home too. I was single and a friend was involved in the same line of work and suggested it to me. Having been raped by someone I trusted in my late teens and again only a few months before I started 'working', I didn't think it was the worst thing that could sexually happen to me, and at least I'd have an element of 'control'...

Although I didn't have any of the really nasty experiences you did, I was sickened by the number of calls I took (I used to occasionally answer the phones for the agency as well) asking for the "youngest possible" girls, even going so far as to ask for underage girls... Some of the stories the other women, particularly the ones younger than me at the time, used to tell me would horrify me - mostly to do with underage roleplay, and I was becoming so jaded about men I realised I had to get out of the industry.

A few people know about my past, but I try to pretend to myself it's something that never happened. My partner, who I met 5 years ago, doesn't know, but he does know I was raped and puts my skewed opinions of men down to that.

I have finally been put forward for counselling about the rapes by my HV and don't know if I should mention the time I worked as a prostitute because, in all honesty, that screwed my head up far more... The guilt, shame and disgust I feel is sometimes overwhelming.

In answer to your original question, my DP has never used a prostitute and never would. When we first got together I steered the conversation around to this topic and he explained that he couldn't even have a one night stand because he'd need to have feelings for someone before he could have sex with them...

Thank you again for allowing me to get this off my chest. All the very best to you. x

Thanks Posie x I will go to GP and ask.

...and to you, confession time

Awww. MN has been a truly lovely and supportive place these last few days.

x

I have just realised I haven't even answered the original question

I don't know anyone that has used the services of a prostitute

I don't want to know anyone that has, unless they acknowledge they were young/stupid/deluded/uneducated etc and now regret it

If I ever heard a whiff of the hatred towards women that has been so shockingly described on this thread, directed at any woman, that person would never have any place in my life ever again

If I ever witnessed any women defending men like this they would get the same short shrift

I know for sure my DH hasn't

Hi Confession Thanks for posting. I think you should mention your experiences at the counselling too as you will most likely also need support for both the rape and the prostitution. I am so sorry what happened to you x

I understand about the underage thing - that only happened to me twice, although most of the calls we got were for as close to 18-20 as possible (yuk) - once someone said younger mid-session and I just froze still and felt sick and "out of it" I still feel so much guilt for not reacting and trying to throw him out there and then. but i say to myself now that what chance did I have physically against a large man if things turned sour and he wouldn't let me leave. Anyone who has underage fantasies is IMO already well on the way to becoming a rapist/violent attacker so I stayed quiet. Another time a gruff regular suggested I just lie down and close my eyes and pretend I was 16 and asleep. I said no fucking way and he then asked if I could play a 15 year old being lured by him (the photographer into glamour shots) I again said no way, went ballistic and threw him out - was physically safer that time though as I was working from a hotel, not the punter's house and staff were around. That was during my first 6 months as an escort and it has always haunted me to this day that he was/is a taxi driver and what he could get up to alone with girls in the car. It makes me sick and I think about it weekly. I did not know his real name or registration plate or anything or else I would have reported him for sure. These men get to remain anonymous with prostitutes, that's why they inflict their awfulness of women they see as the lowest class in society. How the fuck men like those above get to keep their standing in society and families due to the anonymity that using a prostitute offers is beyond me! I learned to try and take the registration plate of anyone I saw 'just in case'. The guilt I feel at times is really bad, like I feel tarnished or something. You are not alone in feeling this, although we should not have to be carrying the burden of these men's vile intentions towards women - why are the vast majority of the under-age seekers probably out there enjoying life whilst we absorb their shame? It should not be this way x

It's lovely to hear though that you have moved on somewhat and have a partner now. I wish you the best of luck with your counselling x

ConfessionTimeForMe it sounds like your time as an escort is having a more profound effect on you than your two rapes, which must also have been devastating. Sometimes vocalising these traumatic times can help.

I don't want to know anyone that has, unless they acknowledge they were young/stupid/deluded/uneducated etc and now regret it

Thats how I feel too. There is part of a clip in an interview by the author and former sex-worker Sarah Katherine Lewis where she states that one of the first questions to a potential date or in early dating would be "Have you ever been to a strip club/peep show/ masseuse / prostitute?" and "How do you feel about it now?" If they expressed anything less than genuine regret then she's pretend to have left her purse in the bathroom or something and leave there and then. I think the whole interview is here - www.drinkswithtony.com/sarahkatherinelewis.html

It has never crossed my mind to use a prostitute. Mainly because I don't want to have sex with a woman who doesn't want to have sex with me

That is exactly the view that the man I dated after I left prostitution gave. Thanks for your contribution x

Thank you for reading and understanding my point. Not all of us are bastards. XW recently said I was the nicest bloke ever. Just not fanciable. Never mind eh...

*Not really.

Thank you alias, for starting this thread. And thank you to ohmetoo, confession and change for posting your stories. You have blown wide open that easy misconception that as long as women aren't trafficked, prostitution is absolutely fine. I never believed that lie but it's very popular and easy to spout.

Your stories really bring the reality slamming home because of your honesty which is massively disturbing but very necessary. Thank you so much, all of you x

Alias

Wow. I applaud you for having the courage and strength to get out and to try to heal.

You must be kind to yourself and take your time, find yourself again. I've read your thread and found some of the posts to you utterly vile and completely uncalled for.

I'm afraid that MN isn't always a nice place to be, when you are being judged and accused of so many things...... pathetic really.

You are a human being, a woman with real feelings and real emotions. Your spirit is amazing, you will win the fight, you will survive this because you want to.

As each day passes, you will grow stronger. You will emerge a stronger, braver lady who will one day find the happy ending, but not until you are ready. In your own time.

I hope with all my heart that you can get the support/counselling that you so desperately need to move forward with you life.

And thank you for sharing your life with us here. xx

Thank goodness this thread hasn't been hijacked by the wankernet happy hooker brigade, it seems every other similar thread in the past couple of years has been.
The guilt and shame experienced by OP and others seems very similar to that felt by child sex abuse survivors, which points to the probability that it is never a truly free choice to enter the sex industry for the overwheming majority.

Thank goodness this thread hasn't been hijacked by the wankernet happy hooker brigade, it seems every other similar thread in the past couple of years has been.

Well said Mal

hedley I feel sure there are lots of women who would appreciate a decent and kind man

don't do yourself down

I think you ladies are enormously brave and have nothing but respect for you all. Too many times we are fobbed off with the belle de jour wankery of the wonders of sex-working. We need more good souls like you lot to tell the truth so beautifully.

I hope you get the support you need. But I for one think you are great and this thread is important, thanks to you all.

It's not really my place to say so here - but, imo, prostitution is absolutely fine. What's not fine are the attitudes of customers, management, police and society at large, who make it a dangerous and debasing occupation.

The industry is wrong, but the activity isn't. Imo.

FGS TT. Of course I don't think that sacrificing a prostitute is a fair trade for saving the community from a deviant.

I'm appalled that prostitutes are criminalised, reviled, and denigrated by society as a whole while the men who use their services escape censure.

Decriminalising prostitution and allowing women to work alongside each other in licensed premises may go some way to ensuring their physical safety but it will not end the organised crime mafias that exploit, control, and traffic young girls/women.

I believe that prostitution has a part to play in a sexually healthy society but I'm bemused by the fact that so many male punters - born and raised by women and brought up with female relatives - are disrespectful to the women they have paid to satisfy their sexual needs.

Personally, I would prefer to live in a society where people being forced to undergo such traumatic experiences to sate someone else's sexual feelings was not tolerated at all

Not gonna happen though is it ?

perhaps in another life...

I think any sexual experiences that are not mutually respectful, fun and safe for all parties is not anything that someone should have to endure for monetary gain

I wish it were different

You're a decent and kind man Hedley?

Links arms with Hedley and steers him in direction of nearest cosy corner where awaits.

Only one that I know of. My ex claimed to have slept with around 50. The sad thing was, he was a really good friend ( both in our 30s) and he never really had a 'relationship' before. He was a lovely guy. The sex was very 'one sided' if you get my dift and no kissing etc - that was the reason I ended it.
I hope you find happiness x

I've just remembered, a step-relative slept with a prostitute in Germany, and refused to pay. He got a beating from the woman's pimp.

He's a horrible man, particularly when he's got a drink inside him. There's a reason he no longer has my address, or that of my mum.

I'm certain that my husband and father have not. I can only think of one bloke I know who probably has and that was when he joined up to the army as a 16 yr old virgin and was shipped off to Germany, where some of the squaddies took him to a brothel. I am not certain whether or not he actually did it last night but if he did he doesn't fit the bill described in the OP. This was back in the 70s and he is very respectful of women. I dated him 10 years ago and it didn't work out with him but we are still good friends because he is a genuine bloke.

I do think your view of men has been be skewed by your experience. I hope you get the counselling you need and what you wanted from this thread. You have done incredibly well to leave that life behind and to be able to post about it in such a balanced way.