Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How many of the men in your life have used prostitutes, compared with how many who haven't? I'd like to ask for help or perspectives on this?

687 replies

aliasforthis2 · 01/10/2011 21:27

I'm a semi-regular poster but obviously have name-changed for this.

I feel sad and like I've seen things I cannot un-see.

So if you can be reasonably sure that your husband or partner or ex or other male in your life has NOT used prostitutes post please post here.

Likewise if any males in your life HAVE used prostitutes please post here too.

And also if they gave reasons for either doing it or not doing it or given their views on the sex industry please post them.

Hopefully it will give me a more balanced perspective than my current "all men are johns who did these things" and help my recovery.

I worked as a prostitute for 4 years and stopped/exited nearly 18 months ago. The reason I started working as a prostitute was because it was sold to me as a glamourous and easy way to make money. At the time I had many debts and was working minimum wage and living totally hand-to-mouth with no room for manouvere,if an unexpected financial burden hit like a bank charge, we would be screwed having to choose between food and electric. A friend worked for an agency and I'd seen Belle du Jour and naively thought it would be like that.

Anyway, I am now out as I just couldn't handle it anymore. A very small percentage of the men were ok but the vast majority did things like -
-try to take the condoms off
-have poor hygiene and refuse to shower first worried it would take up their 'time'
-try to get service for less money or even steal back the money
-try to force services i did not offer like anal
-be unashamed about the fact they were partnered or had a wife at home
-speak to me disrespectfully and patronising, saying things like "I want to get the most for my money" etc
-scrutinize my body and give me advice on how to look better or compare me either positively or negatively to other ladies
-try to take up mush more time than paid for deliberately
-sometimes maybe once a month i was assaulted leaving bruises or spat on or held in a house
-a lot of phone or text harrassment
-most wanted young women the younger the better ie 18-20. i'm serious when i say that this is what most men wanted - young and naive. I answered the phone for the agency sometimes and i'd say three quarters of the men specifically requested 'young' ie 18-21 , 25 at a push.Which I think is disgusting given most are in their 40s wanting as close to 18 as they can.

Obviously not every man did ALL of the above but I'd be hard pressed to find a man who did not try at least one of those things. I don't know any other way to describe it.

I have been single for a while, I had a relationship with a genuinely lovely man I met at my new work for a while (no red flags) but it ended as he became a complete workaholic when starting a company and we drifted apart and split 6 months ago.

Anyway the point of this thread is for me to get a more balanced perspective on men. I had counselling on the NHS for 12 weeks which was helping but they wouldn't fund any more. I have been told by sympathetic friends who are also ex prostitutes (not told anyone in 'real life') to remind myself that it's only a v.small percentage of men who use prostitutes/escorts. But I just cannot see it like that. Every man I see walking down the street I view as a potential customer of prostitutes and treated a person how the customers treated me. I feel like punching them sometimes for no reason. Every married man I know I wonder if they have went to a prostitute with their wedding ring happily on moaning about their wife. I find myself wondering if I will ever have a relationship with trust again. I don't live in a particularly big place or a travelling business place but the sheer hoardes of men calling the agency every day and booking was unbelievable. And more than half would have unsuspecting wives or gfs.

I feel sad and like I've seen things I cannot un-see.

So if you can be reasonably sure that your husband or partner or ex or other male in your life has NOT used prostitutes post please post here.

Likewise if any males in your life HAVE used prostitutes please post here too.

And also if they gave reasons for either doing it or not doing it or given their views on the sex industry please post them.

Hopefully it will give me a more balanced perspective than my current "all men are johns who did these things" and help my recovery.

Thanks x

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 02/10/2011 22:10

Moonferret If I say what I am thinking it will be deleted because it will be classed as personal insults, so I wont. But I am thinking it with :o on my face and whilst feeling really quite sorry for you!

Original poster
aliasforthis2 · 02/10/2011 22:11

Many, many women do do "it". You would be surprised actually. And some don't have families to turn to or have drug habits which ensure the financial need. But you think we are all gold-diggers anyway... Hmm

It would be a tragedy if you have scared Ohmeetoo off this thread where she was getting support for her situation, links and even suggestions of how to exit, but you don't care about that, only your own agenda...

OP posts:
moonferret · 02/10/2011 22:13

No, I enjoy a debate with people who can articulate a point of view. Many of you people can't cope with people seeing things differently to your "agenda" though.

moonferret · 02/10/2011 22:15

I'm crying now Bogeyface! Not..haha!

Bogeyface · 02/10/2011 22:16

MF, I think you should be thanked for your contribution to this thread. There have been so many posts reassuring the OP that not all men are like the men she encountered. But you have shown that there are still a few out there and that she shouldnt turn her radar off entirely, just maybe tone it down a bit, so thank you for that :)

moonferret · 02/10/2011 22:16

Yawn..

Bogeyface · 02/10/2011 22:16

Are you? Oh I am sorry.

moonferret · 02/10/2011 22:18

No, that's why I said "not"...haha!

Bogeyface · 02/10/2011 22:20

No...really? Oh I didnt get that!

moonferret · 02/10/2011 22:20

Yawn..

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 02/10/2011 22:24

Given the macho male attitude of 'I've never had to pay for it' or 'I'd never pay for it' with its implied denigration of those who do pay for sexual favours,' using the services of prostitutes is not something that men will willingly admit to and I suspect that many would opt for root canal treatment without anaesthetic than confess that yes, they have engaged with a prostitute.

Prostitution is, in the main, a clandestine industry and, as most prostitutes are engaged on a one-to-one basis for a matter of minutes rather than hours, it's not surprising that even frequent or excessive users go undetected by spouses/relatives/friends/colleagues.

For this reason, I am sceptical when it comes to some of the claims made here and elsewhere.

Original poster
aliasforthis2 · 02/10/2011 22:26

Actually BF, I have taken something positive from his contribution - the assurance that even after my domestic violence and prostitution experiences, my "radar" for spotting people like this is in very good working order. Years ago I may have thought that his first post was actually just legitimate rationalizing or someone misguided, but from the very first post of this person I knew. I'm genuinely happy that I will take this insight and radar and apply it when I'm ready to begin dating again. Smile

OP posts:
moonferret · 02/10/2011 22:31

Sorry to say that you and others in your "profession" never have seen and never will see any of my money..so you'll have to look for other "cam" clients!

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 02/10/2011 22:32

What are your thoughts on how your former clients were able to go undetected by those closest to them? alias

Original poster
aliasforthis2 · 02/10/2011 22:33

Izzy whizzy - that's very right and interesting. A LOT of the younger, single customers would grudgingly pay ONCE (after asking me on unpaid dates, sending me pornographic pictures of themselves etc) and then pester me during the session about what my real name was, we don't have to use a condom if you're on the pill (!!!?) and for ages after harass me via texts and emails and phonecalls asking me to become a 'fuck buddy, no payment involved babe' etc. When i told them it was not going to happen, most snapped/changed from "nice" to nasty - got defensive calling me horrible names, insulting my body and getting really quite nasty. They would (to me, I assume) be in the macho "I don't pay for it" brigade.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 02/10/2011 22:33

I was being serious when I said that I felt his contribution was helpful, so I am glad that it was.

Of course it descended into silliness after that (I need to sit on my hands when provoked!) but I did feel that his very presence and attitude made a point in itself. I just hope that Ohme will come back.

Original poster
aliasforthis2 · 02/10/2011 22:34

You just keep on hating (oh and using the "'s) mf ....

OP posts:
beatenbyayellowteacup · 02/10/2011 22:34

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

moonferret · 02/10/2011 22:37

At least you've stopped seding me PMs beatenbyayellowteacup No-one else here has been that freaky!

moonferret · 02/10/2011 22:38

sending*

beatenbyayellowteacup · 02/10/2011 22:40

Yes, that was quite a while ago now. In fact, hadn't sent you one since the last time you posted that message.

How odd you are.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 02/10/2011 22:40

For which I have no doubt they are truly grateful, moonferret.

No doubt you've made provision through wills, trusts, and other settlements, to dispose of your paltry few grand fortune as you see fit when you shake of this mortal coil.

However, I suspect you'd die a more contented man if you squander it in time-honoured fashion in the here and now on wine, women, and song - and maybe a cigar or 2? Grin

garlicslutty · 02/10/2011 22:40

OK. I'm going to engage with motherfucker

garlicslutty · 02/10/2011 22:41

(oops, that didn't work as well as I'd hoped)

Original poster
aliasforthis2 · 02/10/2011 22:44

What are your thoughts on how your former clients were able to go undetected by those closest to them?

I have no idea really. I can only surmise it's because most of them didn't seem to feel any guilt over what they were doing, to their partners. none at all. maybe if they had felt guilt then they would have 'acted' out of character, like people having affairs generally do. Most did seem to think it was their god-given entitlement to have sex (or sex acts their partners did not want to do). SGB on here has said many times that people have a right to their sex lives and those not interested in sex at all should not expect the partner to be celibate too etc, and I do agree to a point, however it's the deception which is the problem, and she explains that distinction as well.

One punter did used to 'follow' an obscure football team and use their home and away games as an excuse to "punt"

OP posts: