advice needed desperately regarding social services

[wannabestressfree]

I am desperate for some advice and wondered if anyone could help......

I have three sons. 14,10 and 7. My oldest is aspergers and ADHD, self harms daily and has had two stays in mental hospitals. On sunday he attacked me with a knife in front of my middle son. He didn't hurt me but obviously it was very scarey. He then absconded {he does this a lot} and eventually the police took him to hospital.

A house officer phoned me in the morning and said he would be requiring inpatient treatment but he is medicating at the moment [he is on a childrens ward} and so they have reversed the decision and say he is fit to return home. He self harms daily and his special education school has told social services they are refusing to have him back. I work full time as a teacher.

I told social services I wouldn't have him in the house......... this is after years of asking for help and they have phoned today and said they will give me respite for a week by placing him in foster care in our old home town. I cannot believe they would do this as this is where he absconds too and drinks and was basically told 'tough'......... no other foster carers would take him due to his mental condition. The social worker insisted I tell my school they were dealing with us {head was super supportive} and said they would be looking at the other children. I am so upset as I just want some help.

He will stop taking his medication when he comes home, attack the other children and roams in and out of the house. We are all exhausted.

So advice please............ do I take him back tomorrow or allow him into foster care that I know is not the right place. I honestly feel like they are emotionally blackmailing me..................

I wondered how long it would be before 'they' threatened to take DS into care.

IMO it's just that. An empty threat. Don't even take it seriously except to make a complaint - what 'cost neutral' placements do they have hidden up their sleeve? None. It would mean a very expensive drawn out court case and costly longterm specialist carers/private childrens home.

Prepare yourself to hear it again, tho'. You might consider saying ''if that's what it takes to get my DS the help he needs, I'd have to seriously consider it as an option.........''

fargate i am thinking that is the best thing from now on tbh. Truly astounding.

I cant believe EE you would think with an autistic child that she would understand wouldnt you??

What you're trying to do (residential school) is not just the best option for your other DCs. It's the best option for him. If he's 14 he only has 3-4 years to stabilise before the consequences of his behaviour become a lot more serious and the 'help' available decreases even more. You've done everything you can to help him at home. Giving him a chance to experience residential care with professionals trained in dealing with self harming and violence is his best chance of having a reasonable quality of life as an adult.

Contacting your MP and support organisations (who I'm sure have a lot of experience of SS game playing) will help.

Well said Puffin

Another mother of an autistic teen here. I really feel your pain. I don't have any advice to offer, just wanted to express support. My daughter has taken me to hell and back over the years and I have come very close to placing her in care, and she's never been physically violent. I honestly don't know what I'd do in your situation. The fact that you are managing to keep it together at all is a real credit to you.

If it's any consolation, my daughter also self harmed at that age but it stopped once she was getting proper support. My husband (also autistic) tells me that he was incredibly violent as a teenager and that this stopped literally overnight. He tells me that one day he just thought 'naa, can't be bothered with it' and that was the end of it.

I really wish you and all your children the best. Keep fighting.

Absolutely Marginally. My DS is at residential school because it is the only place that would accept him with his severe behaviour and it is the only place with the expertise and willingness to work through his issues. It was not about getting him out of my home (he is an only child so no siblings to protect) and it definitely wasn't about making life convenient for me. Getting the LA to fund a residential place is far from easy and although having DS at home was hard work, I feel sad to have him away from home and it is definitely for his benefit, not mine. If there had been any way for him to get the intervention he needed in a day placement I would have chosen that - but all of them said that he was too extreme for them to cope with.

I'm afraid to say that my own MP was quite useless is helping with our case but it is always worth writing to them, there are a few who are very knowledgable about SEN/disability issues.

EE I agree with the others that just because you have a DC with ASD who can maybe be violent all ASD children with violent tendencies present differently. I can tell you because I work with 6 day in, day out. It's hard work but I can close the door at the end of the day. wannabe can't. She is scared and you judging her is outrageous.

Maryz well said above and puffin too.

Just wanted to post in support of you justwannabe. I too had an AS teen who was very violent and did a lot of similar things you describe, without the self-harming. He no longer lives with us at all (3 younger siblings). Eventually after many tears and police visits and meetings with SW and his special school and psychologists, he now lives with his dad (my exh), and we see him rarely.

I agree with someone up thread who said it may be that once he's out of the home and the triggers are no longer there, he might be able to cope better. I know with my son he went from a quite large household to being an only child and his behaviour did change. He's not cured by any means, but he finds it easier to control his meltdowns and his days are able to be more structured (less unexpected things happening).

I do feel for you, but when the decision was made for him to go live with his dad the relief was immense - for me and the younger children (they were also afraid to sleep after being threatened). It is very sad, but I had to protect the younger ones.

I hope you manage to get the help I (and many other people on here) so desperately needed and eventually get back to a calmer life.

Envious everyone is entitled to their opinion and I admire you if you think you could manage. You are clearly a better person than I. I am not doing this to be 'stressfree' but to ultimately protect him from himself. I would much rather you didn't post as I actually couldn't feel anymore guilty than I already do. I am also trying to get him long term help which his school agrees he needs.

Well ss came and were actually ok. I read ss statement and it was more distressing than I thought. He has severe paranoia and tried to strangle himself in the back of the police car on the way to hospital. They feel a psych ward will make him more unstable so he has been placed with specialist foster carers who deal with self harmers and he is there on his own. I feel much happier now I know this....

And they have revised their initial 'you can have a week' statement and have said its more likely to be a few weeks until they work out a plan.

Thanks Maryz. You are in clearly a difficult position too. If your life is like mine you live on eggshells and its exhausting.... Help is what I needed and now we are in crisis. Thank you for your support and your message to ee. I am not that concerned about her opinion. I think its very ignorant and to say a ' different kind of parent' is nasty and ill informed and implies superiority. Nice......

wannabestressfree - I don't have any experience with SN kids, but just wanted to share my support for what you are doing. This morning I heard a tragic story from a Mum who's young teen had hanged themselves after being excluded from schools etc and who has been left brain damaged and needing 24 hour care as a result. If the proper care had been in place for that family how differently everything could have turned out .

You are doing this out of love and care for your DS and your other DC, and I just hope that you are able to get the support your family needs.

I'm glad you are getting help op.

EE just because you have a child on the spectrum it doesn't meen you have the same problems as the OP, i have 2 children on the spectrum, they are both totaly different but i'm lucky that mine do not get physical (this may change as they get older) but i have met many that are, how is OP ment to protect her family when she has a 14 year old child capable of holding a kniffe to her (or one of the other children), she has done her best for her DS and now she has to put her other children first and do whats best for them (which is keeping them safe), yes some children on the spectrum just need a little help to manage their feelings or to find their way but some are far more extreme and need a different enviroment (residential) to feel safe and have a routine which is suited to them. There comes a time where you have to consider the childs future and your future and sometimes that means the child living somewhere else. I do hope your child never turns violent on you and puts your or your childrens life at risk (i would not wish it on anyone) but if they do then i'm sure you will make the choice that is right for you, please don't judge others that are going through this.

Wannabe I just wanted to add my support. I am really pleased to hear that SSD seem to be (at last) taking your, and everyone else's concerns seriously.

I have no personal experience of a child with ASD, but I have plenty of professional experience of working with children who are in foster care. I was a social worker and team manager for many years, and now chair looked after child reviews. If you need any advice about the LAC process and the obligations of the LA now your ds is in foster care just let me know.

Good Luck!

Thanks Seen. My concern really is about his education but sw said he would ask the school to take him back. If they say no as they told me they will he will speak to education about what happens next.
Apparently he told the sw he only ever tells psychiatrists what they want to hear so they picked him up en masse! He has also had his meds trebled so the sw said he is barely coherent. No wonder he is playing ball!

I'm really glad he's been put with the appropriate people. I hope that the break gives you the time and the breather you need to come at the situation with renewed vigour and a fresh outlook on your next steps! Often by breaking the cycle you can see things more clearly, like whether residential or part-time foster care is the best solution for you.

Like I said before, feel free to PM me for anything you might need. :)

Wannabe, try not to worry too much about his education. I know it's normally a very important matter for parents, but right now it's the least of his (or your) worries. You need to focus on getting him into a good stable position. Then you can worry about his education. If this mean he ends up doing it later rather than sooner, it's not the end of the world.

I'm so sorry your going through a tough time DS is 17 ASD, ADHD and LD's and back in January is violence escalated so badly that we had to call the police out, he wouldn't let me in his room without attacking me they managed to calm him but he was sniffing his model glue as he wanted to die.

I told the SW that once more and he was gone they put help in place at long last the Dr's put him on mood stabilizers and he slept for the first time in 16.7 years, and was so much calmer. We had emergency respite in February and have a carer that he now trusts to go to but this will only be summer holidays.

I found the support I got off the special needs board fantastic as I was a total mess at the time, I can now put my hand on my heart and say I like DS which I couldn't of said before.

I hope you get the help and support that you and your other boys need and deserve.

I don't have much to say except that I could be where you are at any time. I have a 14 year old son with ASD who and Tourettes who can be violent. He gets into rages and whilst we haven't had the extremes you have had, he has punched, kicked and hit both my husband and me and causes damage to our house and property when he "blows". We are desperate, and very unhappy, at times. It is very difficult to have any sort of normal life, I worry for my daughter and most people don't even begin to understand the sort of difficulties we can face. I'm sorry you've had a bad experience on this board from one person - just remember that most people who have experience of ASD with violent behaviour do understand how difficult things are for you, and try and put that person out of your mind. Difficult I know, but you are doing the best you can for your son in an extremely difficult situation. Hang in there.

I feel real despair today and although I know I have done the right thing I feel so desperate and sad.