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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

totally alone and lost.

174 replies

KeeperOfOurSecrets · 26/09/2011 22:30

hi 1st post.

i have been married for 7 yrs, and I am really scared of the way that my life is now. I am 29 and I spend all day from 6 when my husband leaves for work, until he returns (sometimes 6ish-or 8ish) alone. I do not speak to anyone. I am not really allowed to. My husband doesn't talk to people, or make friends and is hostile borderline aggressive to neighbours. About a year ago he disconnected the land-line ( and tv but i negotiated the tv back after about 4 months as his parents were coming for Christmas). I don't know why he did this. I have a PAYG phone with only his number on it, he controls when this gets topped up. I can only text him, sometimes he doesn't reply for a long time, as he says he doesn't get my messages.

I spend all day alone, (except for the dog). I have no children (still allowed to post on Mumsnet?)

I only ever leave the house to walk the dog or go to the supermarket. I usually walk the dog alone in the day but I musn't talk to people. He has started telling me to leave the dog walking until he comes home then he can do it with me. Apart from wandering around our local area. I don't leave the house. We moved in 2006 to an area 70 miles away from where I was originally from to buy a house. I used to have lots of friends, and I have 4 brothers,2 of which I was close to ( I have seen them twice since my wedding). my husband is happy not to have friends as he hates social situations.

I suddenly feel afraid after all this time, and sometimes I even get scared to leave the house. I feel like I don't exist.

OP posts:

minouminou · 05/10/2011 12:10

Has anyone reported this to MNHQ yet? I'm going to, even if it's a repeat report. I know some posters have (quite rightly) talked about valuing anonymity, but I think in this woman's case we need to go over this and get her some help.

I'm worried about her, and if the only way to help her involves flouting forum rules, then I think we have to do it.

AnyFucker · 05/10/2011 14:00

minou, I understand your concern but I really don't think you should do that

apart from everything you read about on t'internet not always being what you think it is, many people post here because of the anonymity

pushing for someone to be tracked down and dragged into the light is a really bad idea

for the OP, because it may escalate tho possible danger she is in

also for the lurkers, who will be put off posting if they think they might get a knock on their front door after posting here

please think again

waterrat · 05/10/2011 15:22

It's a tough one as this thread gave me chills ...

minouminou · 05/10/2011 15:38

AnyF - I have to say that I reported the thread at 12.10pm; however, it's most likely that MNHQ will take the same view as you and will get back to me to say they're unwilling to intervene for the reasons you've outlined.
I'm quite impulsive and felt I HAD to do something, but just because I feel that way doesn't mean it's the right course of action and if it's not - for the reasons you've given - then there will be no action taken.
I just hope she's OK - if I knew where she was I'd go along myself. This has done my head right in and I'm sure everyone who's posted on this thread is feeling impotent and wondering what on earth to do.

AnyFucker · 05/10/2011 15:46

I hope she is ok too

Unless she ask for further help though, there is nothing we can do except point in the direction of RL professional help...OP cannot be forced to take that step

This thread is at the limit of what it can offer

There are thousands of women out there, living in equally bad situations

I would have them all come and live at my house, if I could

AnyFucker · 05/10/2011 15:48

btw, I don't think reporting the thread is a bad idea in itself

minouminou · 05/10/2011 15:50

The thing that made me decide to report it was the idea that she may be UNABLE to ask for any more help now. He may have disabled her internet connection and taken her phone, or anything..

I hope she comes back soon.

minouminou · 05/10/2011 15:55

Just seen an email from MNHQ - it said that while they appreciated my concerns, there's very little practical help they can offer, but that she'd been given great advice by posters throughout the thread.

Come back, OP.

AnyFucker · 05/10/2011 15:58

I hope she has disappeared because she is busy taking some of the advice she has been given

She may not have online access because she is not at home, but safe elsewhere

That scenario is just as likely as the horrible one currently going through your head, minou

minouminou · 05/10/2011 16:07

Let's hope so.

frutilla · 06/10/2011 14:54

Are you still able to read this thread Keeper? Can you post and let us know how you are or PM one of us? x

beakinthebeeswax · 07/10/2011 09:07

BUMP

thesunshinesbrightly · 07/10/2011 11:17

please come back op if you can.

hope your safe xx

Original poster

KeeperOfOurSecrets · 07/10/2011 11:54

Hello.

I was pretty shocked to find that this thread was still on page1 of the forum. I am amazed by everybody's support and concern, and I apologize for making you all worry about me.

I only have the time for a quick update right now but I wanted to post something so to reassure you that I am safe and well.

3am last Thurs, well Fri things blew up. lots of tears and anger. Didn't sleep for a few days. Felt awful. Horrible horrible time.

end result is

Family know what has been going on.
Appts for both of us at Docs, and trying to see a counsellor
He called my little bro, and had a chat.
house to be rented out. Moving near my family (actually actioned straight away so no false promises)
Talking talking talking.
I have a new phone
I have people around
I am free to do what I want

I don't know if my marriage can be fixed but he is actually trying and doing a lot of things that have surprised me.

mostly after all this I feel exhausted, I keep falling asleep during the day! but please rest assured that I am safe. I am finding it hard to say and to know what it is that I want from my life.

Thanks for caring.

OP posts:

AnyF · 07/10/2011 12:28

Push, push, push for the counselling for yourself regardless if he drags his feet

I wouldn't recommend joint marriage counselling, tbh. Abusive men commonly use them as another way to undermine you. "See, even the counsellor said this is your fault...". They can twist and turn the words of anybody, and you will have a whole load of new mindgames to thwart your return to freedom

He should also agree to individual counselling

That should be the absolute dealbreaker

If he attempts to wriggle out of that when the dust has settled then he obviously thinks he can just say a few pretty words and you are back on track ie. a scared, dominated doormat

Don't ever let yourself get to that point again

Onemorning · 07/10/2011 17:25

Keeper, I'm so glad you're okay.

ShroudOfHamsters · 07/10/2011 17:52

Keeper, so glad to see that you have come back. It sounds more positive. Hold on to that energy that allowed you to burst out and say what you needed to say.

Agree with AF on counselling - you, alone. Not joint. You need a space to talk about YOU so that YOU can decide what YOU want to do next. Keep him away from this - the problem has been that he has been involved in, and controlling EVERYTHING - break that cycle. Have counselling on your own.

beakinthebeeswax · 07/10/2011 20:01

So glad you are back keeper hope you can work things out. It's great to hear from you, we all been worried about you!

frutilla · 09/10/2011 00:08

So glad for you. It's great news that you're moving near family and have people around you. I really hope you manage to work things out so that you are happy. Keep in touch! x

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 09/10/2011 04:12

I am finding it hard to say and to know what it is that I want from my life

This is why you need counselling for yourself so that you can explore your feelings about your early life and your subsequent marriage, and begin to work out what you want for the future.

It's a slow process; take it one day at a time and make it clear to your dh in word and in deed that you are no longer his prisoner, and that he can never expect to exercise that degree of control over you again.

Sanesometimes1 · 09/10/2011 22:21

glad to hear you are safe and well -stay true to yourself no matter what the future holds.x

minouminou · 11/10/2011 10:22

I am so pleased you're OK, Keeper. I've been thinking about you over the weekend.
Please listen to AnyF about the counselling....she's bang on. He could use the counsellor's comments and advice as a professional "seal of approval" for his behaviour.
I'm not surprised you're tired - just rest if you need to and don't rush to any new decisions (unless you feel you're unsafe, of course).

Come on here anytime, and thanks for letting us know you're OK.

PurpleHat · 14/10/2011 22:39

How are things with you now, Keeper?

livlov · 14/10/2011 22:47

This man is nuts!!!!! He is a total control freak..... you deserve so much more!
There is help for you as mentioned on here, dont delay, contact them and you will have the support you need from the start of that phone call!
Give yourself the chance to breakaway.... i wish you the best x

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