totally alone and lost.

[KeeperOfOurSecrets]

hi 1st post.

i have been married for 7 yrs, and I am really scared of the way that my life is now. I am 29 and I spend all day from 6 when my husband leaves for work, until he returns (sometimes 6ish-or 8ish) alone. I do not speak to anyone. I am not really allowed to. My husband doesn't talk to people, or make friends and is hostile borderline aggressive to neighbours. About a year ago he disconnected the land-line ( and tv but i negotiated the tv back after about 4 months as his parents were coming for Christmas). I don't know why he did this. I have a PAYG phone with only his number on it, he controls when this gets topped up. I can only text him, sometimes he doesn't reply for a long time, as he says he doesn't get my messages.

I spend all day alone, (except for the dog). I have no children (still allowed to post on Mumsnet?)

I only ever leave the house to walk the dog or go to the supermarket. I usually walk the dog alone in the day but I musn't talk to people. He has started telling me to leave the dog walking until he comes home then he can do it with me. Apart from wandering around our local area. I don't leave the house. We moved in 2006 to an area 70 miles away from where I was originally from to buy a house. I used to have lots of friends, and I have 4 brothers,2 of which I was close to ( I have seen them twice since my wedding). my husband is happy not to have friends as he hates social situations.

I suddenly feel afraid after all this time, and sometimes I even get scared to leave the house. I feel like I don't exist.

[frutilla]

Just checking in to see if you've come back. If you don't feel like posting on this thread you can message one of us. Will see about enabling my pm now. Hope you are ok, please stay in touch...

[loopylou6]

.

[honeyandsalt]

Bit worried he's maybe taken her computer? Hope you're OK op x

[beakinthebeeswax]

Just read this whole thread, oh my god, hope you ok OP!! He is evil!
Hope to hear from you soon and hope your life taken a turn for the betterxx

[frutilla]

Hmm, honeyandsalt, you may be right, I really hope OP is ok. Let's try and keep this thread up anyway...

[Sanesometimes1]

bump

[Onemorning]

Keeper, I hope you're okay and safe. What he's doing is abuse - there doesn't have to be physical violence.

[loopylou6]

.

[ShoutyHamster]

Thinking of you Keeper - bumping once again. Hope you're able to come back and tell us how you're doing.

[mh85]

Bump

[piranhamorgana]

.

[KeeperOfOurSecrets]

hello

Thank you everyone again for taking an interest in me. Well, I haven't been to the police. the thought of that terrifies me. He came home before lunch on Tues, much much earlier than he was supposed to. To everyone who is worried about me, nothing terrible happened. He has just been smothering me with affection and concern. Taking on the burden of doing stuff so I don't leave the house. I haven't been arguing my corner. He went out for a run in the afternoon and locked me in the house and took the keys. I haven't said anything. I haven't argued.

For the last couple of days I have hardly slept and my appetite has disappeared. It is making me feel more depressed.

What I have done.....

I have decided that I am going to leave. I am going to leave.

I have sent an SOS letter to a neighbour that I have spoken to a few times whilst out with the dog, saying that I need to talk. Even though we live one street away from eachother I put it in the postbox as I didn't want to be seen knocking on the door. I don't know if he will find out. I literally did this half an hour ago and my heart is still racing. I needed a few glasses of wine but I did it. I hope that I get a response.

I have in my mind an idea of the place where I am going to go (not my home town, somewhere "random")

I need to find out how much money I am going to need to accumulate. I have some questions, if anyone can answer

1 I have access to his online bank account/credit cards, if I transfer money (in small amounts) is this fraud/theft? I don't want him sending the police after me, as a way of tracking me down.

2 Aside from getting a job, which is nigh on impossible right now (Idon't see how I could keep it a secret) are there any other ways that I can make money?

3 What stuff do I need to take with me when I go? I will never be returning so I am worried that I might forget something really important.

I think that that this plan is going to take a few months, esp. getting the money together, which leaves me under a new pressure, of pretending that everything is okay, when it isn't so he doesn't suspect.

Thanks for reading

[HerHissyness]

Well done love. You are doing well.

WRT the money, to be kept as short of money as he is keeping you is actually financial abuse. If you divorced, AFAIK things are looked at as 50/50 and then revised from there depending on circumstances.

If you can squirrel small amounts over a long period without detection, great, but if not, then tbh, you may be advised to go for a more reasonable amount in one go. But I'm not sure, you will need CAB advice for this.

If you can call WA and ask them, they also may be able to confirm what would be best for you.

WA will certainly tell you what important things to take. documents such as passports, birth certs, marriage certificate, any bills, mortgage, bank statements or financial documentation to do with you and him.

there are no children so no need for you ever to remain in contact with him in the future, once a divorce, financial settlement is reached. You need to be free of this monster. this is no way to live.

[frutilla]

If he locked you in and took the keys, then he is keeping you prisoner and that's against the law. You would be well within your rights to contact police.
I hope this neighbour is able to help you contact WA. I am worried as your husband seems to have serious psychological problems, it isn't normal to lock someone up, I think you need to leave asap.

[MosEisley]

It is great to see you back on your thread OP. Please stay strong and make sure you do leave. Please call WA. Can you call from a phone box when you are out walking the dog?

Does DH ever leave loose change lying around that you could take... I'm thinking for the phone box. Could you talk to anyone when you next go to the supermarket? e.g. is there a checkout assistant you regularly see?

I think you should get out as soon as possible. The pressure of trying to seem normal to him over a long period will be very intense.

You probably feel frightened of the world outside your current life, having been alone for so long. But truly, most people are good and kind in their hearts, and the world is a lovely place waiting for you to be part of it again.

[Bluebelle38]

Do you have jewellery you could pawn?

I really think you have to bite the bullet and get out asap. He is going to sense a changing in you and he is going to be more strict/controlling.

You really must get out of this situation as a matter of urgency while you have the chance.

He is a sick man and obviously saw a vulnerability in you because of your background and longing to be loved. He has manipulated you and if this continues you may give up on the idea of leaving and that would be a terrible tragedy for you.

[frutilla]

I'm concerned he may take away your internet and phone. Does he check what sites you've visited? Does he question you about how much you're online? Is there a woman's aid centre near you? This is their website:
www.womensaid.org.uk
Please try and contact them, one of us can email on your behalf. I need to find out about PM, can anyone explain to me how to activate it pls? Sorry to be such a dunce!

[Bluebelle38]

Just go to the 'message poster' link on the blue bar above the poster you want to contact.

Messages to you are shown at the very top of the screen in your inbox.

[neuroticmumof3]

Don't worry about money too much OP. You'll be entitled to benefits and the refuge (if that's where you go) can help you get a crisis loan. If you can get some money together that's great but don't delay your escape because of it. Your dad was right when he said you've been institutionalised. You're effectively living in a prison. Please contact Women's Aid. They will find you a refuge space and you'll get a safe place to live and the support you need with rebuilding your life.

[KeeperOfOurSecrets]

hi

just to say that I can only get online in fits and starts but I am coming back to read your replies when i can.

I tend to agree with most people's opinion that I should get out asap because since I have got to the place in my mind that I have decided to go, the fear has been replaced by this weird nervous tension where I feel strung out and kind of dead behind the eyes. Like I am detaching from my own life. Writing this now feels like I am talking about someone else.

I am a bit worried about my internet safety as forums are a big no-no (he checked up on me years ago when I posted a question about garden gates on moneysavingexpert, and went balistic)

I don't know if I love him. I think sometimes that I am the crazy one, not him because I put up with it.

I don't know if i can start my life again from the beginning. Its scary because I will never have people that I have a history with in my life. Can you really make friends in your late 20s?

on a practical note, i do have my engagement ring. It cost 3.5k but a jewellery guy looked at it a couple of years ago and said that the gold wasn't very good quality as it had a "crack" in the band.

[KeeperOfOurSecrets]

i definitely am worrying about money too much. I just think that money is the thing that will help me stay gone, and hidden.

surely all he has to do is hang around the jobseeker place until he finds me?

[Bluebelle38]

Well, seeing as gold can be easily melted down I wouldn't worry too much about the crack.

Of course you can make friends in your 20s.I moved to a new country aged 28 with a few suitcases to my name and I did it. I didn't know a soul. It was the making of me. I am now a very confident person with a fantastic network of friends.

Maybe someone here can tell you how to delete your browser history. For me i can just go to the 'wrench' icon on the top right hand corner, click on Toolbar options and then click on click history of search items.

I am not very good with computers, but I am sure someone else here will be able to help you.

[MardyArsedMidlander]

I was in a very similar situation to yours when I was in my early 30s. My parents had both died, my family have always put me down and have been no support. I thought I would have to stick with my partner- because I had no one else and I felt such a fool knowing what I was living like.

One day I just went to my boss and said 'I need to find a flat'. Bless his heart, he found me somewhere the next day.

I now have my own house, a fantastic job and yes- FRIENDS.

Someone said to me that I'd have a better life if I was in prison. They were right.
And interestingly, despite all his threats my ex never even bothered to come after me at all. He was a lazy selfish empty hearted and cowardly cnut- when it came down to it.
Like you, I also developed a phobia of motorways- strangely enough.

[honeyandsalt]

Dude, I made a friend in Uni who was in her 90s. You make new friends throughout your whole life.

It sounds to me like you're so frightened he'll find you you're not going to try to seek out old friends and your family? To be honest I think this is a mistake. I mean, if a distant cousin twice removed, even, called me and said their husband was keeping them a prisoner I'd be driving there and picking them up. I know your parents let you down big time, and you must have a very hard time believing that someone will help you, but they will.

The essentials are paperwork, a few clothes, and the dog. If I were you I'd phone your brothers/old friends from a phone box or your neighbours and arrange a sofa for a bit (women's refuge, failing that), withdraw as much money as possible from his accounts, leave a note, take the dog and go.

Afterwards, you can find a room and claim housing benefits and jobseekers whilst you seek work. You can still claim housing whilst you're working if you're a low earner. And I think you'll need to seek counselling (speak to your GP).

Glad you still have the interwebs :)

[solidgoldbrass]

THis man's behaviour is so extreme that you will have no trouble getting restraining orders forbidding him from ever contacting you again. With any luck you might be able to get him sent to prison for his mistreatment of you (locking you in the house is a criminal offence). Whatever he says, he is not all-powerful, not your owner, not entitled to mistreat you like this. He is a pathetic, inadequate loser who can be cut right out of your life.