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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

totally alone and lost.

174 replies

KeeperOfOurSecrets · 26/09/2011 22:30

hi 1st post.

i have been married for 7 yrs, and I am really scared of the way that my life is now. I am 29 and I spend all day from 6 when my husband leaves for work, until he returns (sometimes 6ish-or 8ish) alone. I do not speak to anyone. I am not really allowed to. My husband doesn't talk to people, or make friends and is hostile borderline aggressive to neighbours. About a year ago he disconnected the land-line ( and tv but i negotiated the tv back after about 4 months as his parents were coming for Christmas). I don't know why he did this. I have a PAYG phone with only his number on it, he controls when this gets topped up. I can only text him, sometimes he doesn't reply for a long time, as he says he doesn't get my messages.

I spend all day alone, (except for the dog). I have no children (still allowed to post on Mumsnet?)

I only ever leave the house to walk the dog or go to the supermarket. I usually walk the dog alone in the day but I musn't talk to people. He has started telling me to leave the dog walking until he comes home then he can do it with me. Apart from wandering around our local area. I don't leave the house. We moved in 2006 to an area 70 miles away from where I was originally from to buy a house. I used to have lots of friends, and I have 4 brothers,2 of which I was close to ( I have seen them twice since my wedding). my husband is happy not to have friends as he hates social situations.

I suddenly feel afraid after all this time, and sometimes I even get scared to leave the house. I feel like I don't exist.

OP posts:
inatrance · 26/09/2011 23:32

Hi Keeper, he doesn't have to hit you to be abusive and his behaviour is abusive, controlling and wrong and you do need to get away from him and you CAN be happy again. You have taken the first step by starting this thread.

I know it's scary, I honestly do but you CAN get free from him, you just need to keep reaching out. Please ring your brothers and any of your old close friends, let people in, let people know what has been going on. Even though he works in your home town, you have a legal right to live free of his harassment and if you leave and he comes near you, you have every right to call the police and they WILL take you seriously. He is just one man, and by the sounds of it a bully and a coward, generally they don't like to let the rest of the world know what twats they are, they reserve that for those at home.

There are legal ways of keeping him away from you. Roughly where in the country are you (you can be general, ie North West etc), are you anywhere near Macavity in Yorkshire?

AfternoonsandCoffeespoons · 26/09/2011 23:32

Honey, this man doesn't "love you more than anything". Please listen to the previous posters and call someone (your brothers, womens aid, police). You will not end up on the streets. It will be hard but you can and will survive.

ShoutyHamster · 26/09/2011 23:32

Where in the country are you?

You WON'T end up on the streets - not at all.

He is emotionally and financially abusing you.

Make SURE you clear your internet history. Also - the fact that he has allowed you to keep the internet connection makes me suspicious that he will have spying software on the pc - keylogger? I don't know much about this, perhaps someone else could advise?

Talk to Womens' Aid first. And try reverse charge calling to your brothers and tell them what has been going on - would that be of use? Are they good people? Would they help?

Hugs to you - you can do it x

Bogeyface · 26/09/2011 23:33

This is hard to say to you, because I know that you want us to say "yes" but no, I dont think he loves you. I think he loves the control he has over you, but not you. And that is a huge shame because you sound like someone who deserves to be utterly adored.

KeeperOfOurSecrets · 26/09/2011 23:34

I live in a famous crappy town in Wiltshire

OP posts:
ShoutyHamster · 26/09/2011 23:35

No, he doesn't love you - he is your jailer.

He's away tonight... what time is he back tomorrow? Would you consider doing what Bogeyface's post suggests - getting the essentials together tonight, while you have time, phoning Womens' Aid and leaving in the morning?

Maybe at least call them tonight while he is away so you can talk properly - they WILL be able to hlpe you at short notice.

Bogeyface · 26/09/2011 23:36

IF AT ANY POINT YOU ARE SCARED FOR YOUR LIFE CALL THE POLICE

If he does, as has been suggested, have a keylogger etc on the pc then he may kick off, and if he does you need to use your phone to call 999 straight away. I promise that you will not be ignored.

To be honest, I am thinking that you should call Womens Aid tonight and get out before he gets home. PLEASE think about doing that, you are not safe right now and WA can make you safe x

ShoutyHamster · 26/09/2011 23:38

I'm up north alas.

Would you consider going to a call box and calling WA?

They would be able to tell you what the options are.

They can certainly get you out of the immediate area and somewhere safe.

Do you have enough money for the call?

The alternative is simply to walk into a police station, outline the situation, and ask them to contact WA for you.

Bogeyface · 26/09/2011 23:38

Totally with shoutyhamster that you should get out before he gets home.

The fact that he called you to tell you he would be back early, but didnt say how early tells me that he a threat to you.

OneDove · 26/09/2011 23:38

Gosh I just posted and my problems seem insignificant to yours. Please get out. He is controlling you. Do you have family you can go to? Much love xx

Sanesometimes1 · 26/09/2011 23:38

op you need to plan vey carefully - do as the others say, get some money together, ask him for money for new shoes/coat etc, buy something cheaper and tell him it was more expensive etc, if he controls weekly shopping budget then get less/buy cheaper brands - it might tak you a while but get something behind you, this will be your "exit" money, I don't know how old you are but to get far away what about applying for a job in a hotel somewhere live in ? this could get you away and no where he could find you ? you could start a whole new life in freedom xxx good luck to you

ShoutyHamster · 26/09/2011 23:39

Keeper, I agree with Bogeyface. I'm quite nervous at the thought that he might be able to monitor your internet usage in some way.

He is away right now - there'll never be a better time. Please, consider going to a call box or the police station, and getting help while you can.

solidgoldbrass · 26/09/2011 23:40

He doesn't love you. He is an inadequate and unpleasant excuse for a human being who is not capable of loving you. Please understand that he doesn't consider you to be human at all. You are an object that exists to meet his needs, a possession that he can do what he likes with.
As everyone else says, pack a bag and walk out, tomorrow (take the dog with you if you love it, if not then the police may be able to make arrangements for it: it would be a bad idea to leave an animal in the hands of an abusive man, he may kill it when he finds you gone). If he comes home tonight be civil and obedient and placate him if necessary, and get out first thing tomorrow.
If he hasn't already started physically hurting you, he will do.

KeeperOfOurSecrets · 26/09/2011 23:40

i don't think i have the courage to do anything right now. I have been planning leaving in my mind for a long time, please help me make it real. I can't just go, it is too much for me, I need a proper plan. I'm scared. really feckin scared

OP posts:
KeeperOfOurSecrets · 26/09/2011 23:43

I always thought that the reason we didn't have kids is because my dad was looking out for me :(

OP posts:
Sanesometimes1 · 26/09/2011 23:45

omg op - please please please phone womans aid - they will be able to help you - please do it now i;m so scared for you.

KeeperOfOurSecrets · 26/09/2011 23:55

I am not getting hit won't they laugh at me?

OP posts:
ShoutyHamster · 26/09/2011 23:55

Yes it can and will be real.

Have a wee sit down and think about it, what would actually happen.

You could spend the next hour packing your essentials - you could even leave the paperwork if it involves a search, because you could come back with assistance at some later point. As long as you have important photos, anything irreplaceable, a change of clothes and some warm clothes and toiletries - you're done.

You then walk out the door and go to the police, ask them to help you contact WA and get a place in a refuge.

How will that feel? Terrifying, I would think - for a moment. But imagine the feeling of relief when you are over that first couple of sentences. As people sit you down, listen, VALIDATE what you say, and start to help you get things back to where they should be. That feeling of strange invisibility will start to life as you speak to REAL PEOPLE about what your life is REALLY like. It will be incredible, it really will. It's there for the taking.

You feel scared that it might not happen that way? It will. Hundreds of women do this every year. Situations like the one you are in are WHY WA exists! Sadly, your situation isn't even that unusual. So you won't be fobbed off, laughed at, made to feel a nuisance - those feelings come from how you've been treated over the last few years, made to feel insignificant. No-one 'out there' will think you and your story is insignificant. Look at the response you've had here, for a start.

So you go to a refuge. It'll be a whirlwind for you, mentally, I'm sure. I can't imagine it. Totally chaotic emotionally and really stressful - have I really done this? What now?

But - don't forget - you'll be surrounded by people to help, as well as people going through the same thing. Oh, and people who will advise and hold your hand on ALL the things you'll be worrying about - the house, access to money, everything. As I said, it's why WA exists. To HELP YOU.

After the first confusion, what then? Where do you go and what do you do? Lots of that I can't even begin to answer, but I can give you one (I hope) very powerful tool to get you going. You say you've been married 7 years. With him a couple of years longer maybe? Well, think back to those days before that. You say you had lots of friends. You had your brothers. It sounds like you had a really hard start in life and had come through that to have a happy, successful time! So you can and will do that again. You are young, you are healthy. You have a whole life ahead of you back on that path he took you off - with lots of friends, family support, and an intelligent and resourceful head on your shoulders which will see you have fun, get work, support yourself, get a home, be happy!

It takes a lot of courage to post as you have and start the ball rolling. You so, so can do it. It's hard, but it's not as hard as staying. Think of that 18-19 year old with lots of friends - she's still there, just packed away at the moment. Unpack her!

ShoutyHamster · 26/09/2011 23:56

You are in a seriously abusive situation - no, they will NOT laugh, not at all. Have we? No. They will be as appalled as everyone on here. Look, a whole bunch of people from all over the country have read what you've posted and have been utterly shocked. Please, get help.

jugglingwiththreeshoes · 26/09/2011 23:57

Perhaps if you phoned women's aid (or emailed ?) they could help you make it real - say tonight ? And you could leave in the morning. You don't need that much, just clothes, paperwork, and anything that really stands out as special to you.
Or as long as nothing changes I guess you could stay a little longer until you're confident you have a plan. I'm glad you seem to have decided that you will leave. That's very brave. Good luck ! The future can be much brighter !

ShoutyHamster · 26/09/2011 23:57

Meant to say, not laugh because you haven't been hit. That's only one of the many ways in which people are abused - and WA know that very very well!

You WILL be supported.

Bogeyface · 26/09/2011 23:58

Womans Aid will help you make the plan and they can do more than we can, they can help you see it through. Please PLEASE call them.

The anticipation is always worse than reality. I promise you that leaving will be no way as bad as you think it will be. WA will be able to get you away from there tonight.

Check your MN settings, change them so that you dont get email notifications of private messages in case he checks your emails. That way atleast anyone that can help can PM you without him knowing

wigglesrock · 27/09/2011 00:03

Please don't think you will be laughed at by the police, I double checked this with my husband last week on behalf of a friend. They will help, just tell them what you have told us. I know you would prefer to have a plan, to have some time to get things together, but let that first step out of the house be your plan.

You are still so young and have faced so much, you can do this. Please leave now.

Bogeyface · 27/09/2011 00:03

shoutyhamster is bang on.

Do what she says and you will find the feisty happy confident girl you once were. She is inside you, find her.

frutilla · 27/09/2011 00:05

OP, like other posters said, please call women's aid... MNetters will be here for you every step of the way. You aren't alone.