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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

totally alone and lost.

174 replies

KeeperOfOurSecrets · 26/09/2011 22:30

hi 1st post.

i have been married for 7 yrs, and I am really scared of the way that my life is now. I am 29 and I spend all day from 6 when my husband leaves for work, until he returns (sometimes 6ish-or 8ish) alone. I do not speak to anyone. I am not really allowed to. My husband doesn't talk to people, or make friends and is hostile borderline aggressive to neighbours. About a year ago he disconnected the land-line ( and tv but i negotiated the tv back after about 4 months as his parents were coming for Christmas). I don't know why he did this. I have a PAYG phone with only his number on it, he controls when this gets topped up. I can only text him, sometimes he doesn't reply for a long time, as he says he doesn't get my messages.

I spend all day alone, (except for the dog). I have no children (still allowed to post on Mumsnet?)

I only ever leave the house to walk the dog or go to the supermarket. I usually walk the dog alone in the day but I musn't talk to people. He has started telling me to leave the dog walking until he comes home then he can do it with me. Apart from wandering around our local area. I don't leave the house. We moved in 2006 to an area 70 miles away from where I was originally from to buy a house. I used to have lots of friends, and I have 4 brothers,2 of which I was close to ( I have seen them twice since my wedding). my husband is happy not to have friends as he hates social situations.

I suddenly feel afraid after all this time, and sometimes I even get scared to leave the house. I feel like I don't exist.

OP posts:

Report

Bogeyface · 27/09/2011 00:06

I am up btw for atleast another hour and I know alot of the other Mn-ers will be too, so do keep posting and we will support you. You are not alone.

If you want to talk then PM your number, I will happily call you.

KeeperOfOurSecrets · 27/09/2011 00:07

Now that I have written everything down it feels like I am writing about a big bad man but its hard because to make things change I have to be different, and I feel like I can't do it.

For a while now I have developed an irrational fear of driving in the car, you know being a passenger, especially at high speed. I had to get the train up to visit in laws. My father in law took me aside and said that it might be because i feel institutionalised. I didn't tell my hisband he said that.

OP posts:

reluctantmpvdriver · 27/09/2011 00:12

Hello - there is a refuge in north wiltshire. Some numbers below. Please call them now - you cannot lose anything by a call. They will have people to just to talk things over so you can look at your options.

Make sure that you find your history on you internet browser and delete it - also set it to ensure that the history of your browsing is not saved in the future. I am only familiar with google but if you use it get the google chrome version - you can open your browser 'incognito' which is an automatic setting which covers your tracks - you history is automatically invisible and no cookies are saves. I have not looked into it but the web site for womens aid has advice on incognito browsing.

Good luck - you do have choices - it's in your hands - get help - there are so many wonderful people around who will judge you. Make that call now please - you have nothing to loose.

Telephone: 0800 854205
Opening Times: Mon-Fri 5pm-9am, Sat-Sun 24hr
Refuge 1:
Telephone: 01249 714873
Opening Times: Mon-Fri 9am-5pm
Refuge 2:
Telephone: 01249 654384
Opening Times: Mon-Fri 9am-5pm

frutilla · 27/09/2011 00:13

It sounds like your FIL sees what's going on then. Do you think your brothers know too? Would it be possible for you to contact them or an old friend so you can go and stay with someone you know?

Sanesometimes1 · 27/09/2011 00:15

keeper - you know yourself that you need to get the hell out, I understand fully that you are scared, but what is scarier ? leaving or living as your doing now for the rest of your life ? please phone womans aid - they won't force you to do anything, but like the others have said they WILL LISTEN to you. they will be able to help you, at the end of the day it's always going to be your deision to go or to stay.

Bogeyface · 27/09/2011 00:16

Even your FIL can see what he is doing to you, and your husband is his son!

you dont have to change, you just need to be very very brave. You are fine just as you are, but you do need to be brave to get away from this man.

Think of that girl that would have told him to Fuck Off when he tried to take her phone away, you are still that girl, you just need to find her again.

jugglingwiththreeshoes · 27/09/2011 00:17

I'm not sure OP can easily call Women's Aid as she has no phone. I think someone did suggest she could go to a call-box. Would an email be a possibility?

Keeper If you do leave tonight or early tomorrow (with assistance from Women's Aid) you could always consider from that perspective whether to stay away or go back. HTH

KeeperOfOurSecrets · 27/09/2011 00:18

He knows that I spend a lot of time at home, alone. He doesn't know too much else. He has witnessed a lot of "unreasonable" behaviour but he doesn't know the half.

my brothers know nothing of my life. i know where they live in london they don't have my address.

OP posts:

Bogeyface · 27/09/2011 00:21

You can PM your number to anyone here and they can call WA on your behalf if you dont have the phone credit to call them yourself. I would do that for you if you feel you cant call them yourself.

ShoutyHamster · 27/09/2011 00:23

You don't need to be different yet, or even feel different. Don't let that stop you, or make you think that you can't do it. You can. All you need to do are a couple of practical things. Pack, go, phone or police. Then let them take over.

I don't think you will properly be able to feel different until you are away from your situation right now. It's crushing you - you can't expect to bounce out from under it all. But you can creep out, you can. Even though you feel the way you do, you CAN still do it.

The more you say, the more I see that you will have support once you go. Your FIL sounds as if he will come out in support of you and will hopefully protect you as much as he can from his son.

jugglingwiththreeshoes · 27/09/2011 00:26

How about emailing one of your brothers and going to say with them, leaving first thing in the morning ( taking important things with you ), perhaps with support from Women's Aid (and MNers !) Would that seem more normal and do-able. Could that be a plan ?
If your husband was reasonable there should be nothing wrong with going to stay with your brother for a few days, even at short notice. You could look on it as a sort of test on him, as to whether he is at all reasonable or not.

honeyandsalt · 27/09/2011 00:28

Oh hun, this is so sad, and very scary, it's like you're a prisoner of the mind, like you need to open a mental door to see your escape more than a physical one.

This is very extreme abuse, but the good news is you CAN stop volunteering for it. You have every right to. The fact that he has exploited your upbringing to manoeuver you into this situation doesn't mean you have lost forever, it doesn't mean you must carry on in this way, it doesn't mean you have to remain the person he expects you to be your whole life. There is a spark in you, a real spark, that he CANNOT extinguish. She posted here. And she's going to free herself.

You sound wonderful, and you have far more power than you realise. I think you have taken a HUGE important step by posting here. No-one is laughing, we all take you seriously. And we're real people. So there's that. An important first step. Well done. Now, you need to seek out and accept the help that has been suggested. Don't even overthink, just do it. If it helps, visualise seeing your brothers again, explaining it to them, getting a hug. Breathing. Freedom. You can take it. Please believe me.

Sending you peace and courage x

ShoutyHamster · 27/09/2011 00:39

I have to get to bed now Keeper - DD is awake! - but will be back in the morning.

Make sure your pc history is cleared. Maybe start thinking about where important stuff is, and get it ready in a non-obvious way. Keep your wits about you.

Stay strong.

MosEisley · 27/09/2011 09:21

Good morning OP. Been thinking about you... how did you get on last night?

ShoutyHamster · 27/09/2011 09:40

Morning OP. Hope things are ok x

frutilla · 27/09/2011 15:07

Hi Keeper, just logged on to see how you are...stay strong!

loopylou6 · 27/09/2011 16:33

Omg what a scary thread, can we keep this bumped so someone's always around for if op comes back for more advice/support

ShoutyHamster · 27/09/2011 16:54

Yup will bump for a bit. Hope you're ok, Keeper. Come back for advice as and when you need it. x

mh85 · 27/09/2011 17:07

Oh my word. This is awful :( OP you will be OK - but you have to get out of there and really really quickly. Call your brothers and see if they can let you stay with them - and if not, PM me - I'll find you somewhere to go x

PeppermintPasty · 27/09/2011 17:17

I feel the same way mh85. I'm in the South West, not too far away OP. God you've got to get away! Please be careful x

MosEisley · 27/09/2011 22:25

Still thinking of you, OP. Please come back if you can. x

Sanesometimes1 · 27/09/2011 22:57

Been thinking about you all day op - hoping that you are ok - take care.

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Collision · 27/09/2011 23:04

bump

Blindcavesalamander · 27/09/2011 23:20

I've just found this thread. Maybe he does love you in his way but he's mentally ill and needs help too, but first and foremost you need to get to a safe place. I'm hoping you are silent because you are far away from the computer and somewhere comfortable and secure, beginning a new life. My prayers and thoughts are with you and anyone else in a similar situation.

HerHissyness · 27/09/2011 23:43

Another one here wishing you well and hoping you are OK

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