Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships 5

[ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow]

Welcome!

This is the latest instalment in a series of threads for those who are in abusive relationships, those who have left abusive relationships, and those gearing to leave.

Come vent, share, give and receive support.

The first question you may be asking yourself as a new visitor to this thread is:

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.

IWBF It brings it home to him starkly that you are not going to engage any more if he treats you badly. So he has a choice, either he carries on being Mr Nasty and you leave him, or he tries again as Mr Nice and hopes you will reconsider. If Mr Nice doesn't get his way and have you back in line soon then I bet Mr Nasty will reappear again.

TGTF I am not at all confident in my ability to have a normal healthy relationship as I never have in my life. But the Very Nice Man I am seeing is SO kind and relaxing and thrilled to be with me that it would be insane not to give it a try. 5 dates in and he is calling me his girlfriend and talking about a weekend in Prague before Christmas. I haven't seen his cluttered house yet though, he is afraid I will run for the hills!

In the end,mine didn't even need to be nice to me,and I still stayed.

IWBF - I think some men can change and be nice when they make the effort. My DH managed to be nice to me ie, without unreasonable bursts of anger for 2x 9 months when I was pregnant with each of our DC's. So, that was quite a sustained amount of time that he was able to behave well for. So, I feel he can do it, and I think when I'm strong and acting like I won't put up with nonsense from him it does help. Thing is though reasonable behaviour from him shouldn't really depend on how I manage him/ circumstances. Reasonable, decent behaviour should be a given and something I can rely on.
Good though that DH treated me well throughout my pregnancies - I wonder why that was - possibly because such a joint project, both looking forward to the baby, and my mood may have been more positive as I think pregnancy hormones suit me. But, a bit of a mystery. I know some men who can be abusive get worse during partner's pregnancy, which is especially sad
Hope those thoughts are of some help IWBF - Hope you will be free one way or another very soon.

iwbf-some people are just nasty-because that's the way they are.Taking on board the repercussions/the consequences hopefully matter enough for a person to behave well.I don't have experience of this;the repercussions didn't matter at all to my ex;I spent hours when I was with him analysing why does he jeopardise everything.Mine didn't give a toss.full stop.And I was just a glorified housekeeper/childminder to him-so he did what he wanted regardless.

IWillBeFree - your husbands behaviour is called

The Hoover Maneuvre

and is a classic part of the cycle of abuse.

sorry

Iwbf-if his behaviour is 'hoovering',then if you don't get back into line,he will up the antics/try new ones or discard you.

IWBF - which bit of 'There is no such thing as the man you married' did you not get?

Love that person WAS the hoover to suck you in. the real H is the one that is evil, that is hateful that loves to inflict pain and suffering on you.

You are being sucked in again.

that came over harsher than I meant it... there is love and kindness in there too, but they don't do a smiley for it...

Good discussion about hoovering and other sins. I'm sticking by the toddler analogy because unless absolutely psychopathic the little twunts aren't that premeditated surely?
Tantrums followed by beautiful smile, toys out of pram, sulk, cuddle, I hate you mummy followed by I love you mummy, broken toys followed by heartfelt tears that their favourite plaything is in pieces.
Failure to understand cause and effect and to treat you as an adult.
We all have our inner children, our toddlers, are irresponsible teenagers, our independent young women, our mothers etc inside us but as mature adults we know what is appropriate and if we do slip into an immature self we know how to make amends for it in an adult fashion. Poor wee things not they don't and they are wandering around confused that we are not responding in the way they expect and think they deserve.

Hi, been away for a while....just thinking about the drawing in thing.....if some men can change then the things that predict being able to change are..

....agreeing that the behaviour is bad and abusive, responding positively to challenge, having sustained periods of non-abusive relationship in past and not involving DCs in abuse. However they have to realise it's a life-long effortful change that is necessary not a temporary Mr Nice guy and must NEVER minimise what you have experienced. Also they are unlikely to change without challenging support IE an abuse programme.

So I think you need one or two more tick boxes before it's worth retracting any ultimatum.....if he loves you and can change then he needs to understand what you have been thru' and be willing to see what he has done and commit to long term repair work , not just a moment of being nice.

love FOTH

PS assuming that since we are capable of change at least some of these men must be capable????????

Thanks all, and especially FOTH and NS - Your comments are very relevant in my relationship too. Have been giving relationship a lot of thought over last week while DH away. He's back today and am glad to have him home - partly because of his contribution to looking after the DC's as a partnership. Personally I find it hard going on my own, especially with no family nearby. Did see quite a bit of friends over the week though, which was nice in it's own way. Respect though to those going it alone

Thanks everyone for the advice/experiences, read up on hoovering doesn't look good does it?

The bit i dont get with my OH is he doesnt shag around (this seems to crop up nearly all the time in other posts), he never has. In some ways it would be easier if he did.

During our talk on friday after I had told him I wanted him to leave he said "if I leave this house I wont come back" no shit sherlock, thats the idea!

But why did he say that? how does that benefit him? and the million dollar question - how long will it take for the mask to slip? Is it an if? Or is it simply a case of when?

Sorry I have no useful advice to offer anyone else at the moment going through hard times, hopefully when i'm free I will be wiser too!

Hissy - you harsh? never, just saying it as it is, and slapping those rose tinted glasses off my face lol!

Thanks again everyone, this place is my haven at the moment when I feel like i'm going insane!

IWBF xx

Mrs Holiday popping in to report for ticket duty :)

There follows the usual apology for what I'm about to post but I'm in bits and this is my rare place of refuge and understanding emotions wise.

I've just come back in from a chat with one of my neighbours. She's just adopted a little dog which is in an absolute state.

The little thing is a mummy from a puppy farm so been forced to have litter after litter for others to profit from - literally skin and bones, covered in sores, fur shaved off because of it, shaking from head to toe (got a cuddle aww), respitory infection so rasping rather than breathing. She was apparently going to be shot as at the end of her useful life.

Bastards!!!!!!! How on earth any human being can put any creature through that i will never understand so long as I live.

Yet, despite all she's suffered she's eating, exploring, showing an interest in life and her surroundings etc.

Which is the point which sort of justifies my sharing this here i guess - if a little creature like that has been bestowed with so much spirit and will to live i think there's hope for all of us to recover and move on to make a better life.

Sometimes I wonder if some of my 'pity' for myself hasn't been channeled into animals though since it's just so painful for me to think of all the cruelty and neglect some of these animals are put through :(

Thanks in advance for putting up with my intermittent ramblings

Bibi,

Poor little mite. So glad your friend has rescued her. I would quite happily shoot people who do this to animals.

Sending hugs to your new soon to be furry again friend ((((()))))

IWBF xx

Aww, thanks iwillbefree, she has the loveliest cutest face ever :)

Her 'brother' a big friendly boxer already calls nightly after his walk to see if there's any meat going spare (he bloomin knows he has to wait til friday) :)

I'm the neighbourhood weirdo mrs Doolittle. No one with a pet can pass my house without their charge being offered a treat :)

hi all, i havent caught up with the posts since i was last here. I came here today because I am feeling unusually positive about my experience, and coincidentally bibis rescued dog ponderings kind of backs up what I have been thinking a little;

i have been married 10 years and I think STBXH will be out of the house by the end of this month after saying he was going in March. I told DD1 weekend before last and that was a massive obstacle for me which I had been dreading. It was very painful but she handled it well. ANd I feel relieved that she knows so that we can start to move on. Its amazing how different I feel. I thought I had been pretty strong throughout, but I am starting to see what a shell i had become as I feel the life seeping back into me. Already I feel like I have come back to myself some what; I feel peaceful inside (like I used to, before), Ive returned to activities that I love(d) but had lost all interest in, I have been in contact with old friends and just feel so much more energetic- all of this has happened naturally, it has not had to be something I have forced, to help myself recover. Even the guilt is becoming less and is more bearable.

So...now I have started to allow myself to look back at what happened (still from a distance, but I am not averting my gaze so quickly) and also I am looking at myself now; and I see how much I have learned from this awful awful 'marriage' and from trying to have a relationship with this person. I have learnt so much about me, about other people, about relationships. It has altered my perception and perspective on so many aspects of life. Also, it is part of me...and I realise I still actually like me. So would I change it? If I could rewind 10 or so years would I go through it again to get where I am today? I ask myself this alot, regarding the kids...and of course I would go through it again to have my children. But not thinking about them...Im not sure I wouldnt. I have lost career opportunities and financial 'status' etc through being entangled with this man and through my head being in such a mess and from having low self worth etc...how does everyone else feel? Does anyone else feel that the ordeal has had any positive effect? once you are out the other side obviously

Quite relieved my dog ponderings were of some actual use in a small way bejeezus.

What you've written very much resonates with me as through all the crap life and relationships have thrown at me, the overriding feeling left is very much one of 'I'm still here' still me albeit with insight many people will never have (and never have to have in many ways)

Positive effects include just being able to 'be' if that makes sense, without looking into the anxious mirror of an unsupportive and manipulative partner (i.e distorted self image), being able to really feel whenever and whatever I want.

Whether that be crying over an abused dog, a film, something lovely and happy happening in my life etc without someone else asking 'what the hell is wrong with you'

The freedom to make choices without anyone deliberately obstructing them for ultimately petty reasons, from how to furnish my house to what to eat and everything in between.

Freedom to be as sociable or reclusive as I want - the amount of people I've gotten to know better since being single without mr misery making comment on every encounter has been astounding.

Not feeling like I'm always somehow weird and plain wrong just
for being me.

Sure there's more but that's all that springs to mind right now.

and its GOOD to appreciate those things!

to get simple pleasure from what most people take for granted

Dear Bibi, re the dog. I was talking to someone who suggested getting a pet again as you can talk to them, it is unconditional cupboard love but it is part of the healing. It's a simple exchange instead of all the f*ups we have lived through. I love big bouncy boxer dogs

Also I have RL friend whose partner is on a anti-violence course voluntarily. She is also going to counselling - toxic family, low self-esteem. It is interesting when she talks to me about the stuff he now is aware of and how, when they do argue - they are both quite volatile as personalities, they then listen to what the other has to say. Also they both exchange strategies for coping with their life together which is quite complicated as her ex hates NM having anything to do with her son. NM has no kids and his problems stem from physical abuse as a child. Basically it give me heart that some men are prepared to go the distance - and he is not a particularly reflective type. I can picture them 30 years on still bickering, but actually dealing with things pretty well.
I do think it's self awareness and most of the stbexes have no idea what they have lost/are about to lose, and what they have destroyed

On a roll here (can you tell I've had a few days to regroup :)

Being in an a relationship with abusive elements of any kind, with hindsight feels like living in one of those 'hall of mirrors' places you get in fairgrounds etc.

At the start we know we're strong and capable, reasonable, fair, kind but the more these bloody morons tell is the opposite, the more we only receive the distorted mirror image of ourselves and eventually end up (almost) convinced these wank stains know us better than we know ourselves.

I say almost as I firmly believe there's a part of us that always knows without question that the way we are/were treated is simply wrong but circumstances and practicalities, worries about children, money, accommodation put doubt over the part of us that always knows what's going on.

As I wrote the above the embrace track that goes 'you should never fight your feelings, when your very bones believe them' came on - spooky and amen to the sentiment being sung about :)

And can I just add to my list of positives - TINFOIL! Just wrapped a bowl of leftovers in it and realised I CAN :) bloody idiot of an ex had a virtual phobia about the stuff and nobody was allowed to use it - COCK!

x posted as per usual :)

Yes yes, I count that as a gift bejeezus, being able to appreciate the little things in life (although i do worry sometimes it makes me unambitious and easy to please )

Boxers have such a friendly and kind air about them i always find sorted (though personally wouldn't be able to cope with the sheer amount of slobber they produce :))

Bibi Yep! I wrote a post a few pages back about feeling like i was 2 people- 1 person 'living it' and the other, methodically and without emotion, organising all the divorce practicalities and getting us seperated....

...and YES again! thats the 'inner voice' isnt it?!

Ive definitely learned to listen to my inner voice again. And this time whole-heartedly and with no doubts or trying to argue with it!

although i do worry sometimes it makes me unambitious and easy to please

NO..thats CONTENTEDNESS...and people search forever to find that

puts me in mind of 'Thank You' by Jamelia

^For every last bruise you gave me
For every time I sat in tears
For the million ways you hurt me
I just wanna tell you this
You broke my world, made me strong
Thank you
Messed up my dreams, made me strong
Thank you^

^You coulda had it all
It coulda been so right
I woulda given you everything
Morning through night
Yeah, you taught me some lessons
Those are my blessings
That won't happen again
Thank you^

lol at the tin foil

i use what ever the hell shower gel and shampoo that i fancy...woohoo! and after 10 years of regulation brand, there are so many to choose from!

@ regulation brand! Know what you mean, they all seem to their own 'allowables' don't they

Pouring more wine and leafing through a clothes catalogue of a particular company I like. Spotting things and saying to myself ' I love that xyz top,'it's SO me' is a luxury too while knowing i could order and wear it if I so chose without having to think 'what will he pick on about this' and there was always something wrong with whatever I chose.

Contentedness - I do like that a lot - will use that if I get accused of being either unambitious or easy to please!

The two person feeling you describe re the divorce does sound like the side that knows and the side that reasons and argues fighting to gain the upper hand.

Mind you, without that deepdown knowing none of us would be here talking about this stuff I suppose.