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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships 5

999 replies

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 26/09/2011 21:50

Welcome!

This is the latest instalment in a series of threads for those who are in abusive relationships, those who have left abusive relationships, and those gearing to leave.

Come vent, share, give and receive support.

The first question you may be asking yourself as a new visitor to this thread is:

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.

OP posts:
LittleHousebytheRiver · 03/10/2011 08:10

As in favouritism? treating chosen members more favourably and leaving others out? Scape goating and golden child? Or do you mean telling different members of the family different things and leaving them to work out what actually happened?

My own family don't do this but my in laws did.

What is bothering you? Spill the beans!

crestofthewave · 03/10/2011 08:23

As in a marriage where here are children from the present marriage and from a previous relationship,and the children are treated differently.

LittleHousebytheRiver · 03/10/2011 08:32

I've just noticed a really uncomfortable thing which I think matters. After 28 years with workaholic unkind H I have left to live in my eponymous home. I am happy and enjoying life.

I have had a short fling with a man who was mostly unavailable due to his work and being secretive and crap at communicating (text and email only). Luckily he was waving so many red flags that I got rid of him.

This weekend my best mate was being a bit weird and unavailable and I suddenly realised she can be the same as the men in my life were. Too busy for me, lets me down or doesn't call for days.

Is this normal and I expect too much or should people generally be considerate and keep me informed? I don't mean every minute of the day, just if they are changing plans that affect me. My DC all do this, my own family do this, because we think of the impact on the person we are letting down.

I am going to observe this for a few days. Why do I feel comfortable with people who treat me badly and remove themselves leaving me feeling hurt? I deserve as much consideration as I give others don't I?

crestofthewave · 03/10/2011 08:35

Had experience of this with my ex.

LittleHousebytheRiver · 03/10/2011 08:40

Sorry crest was just getting that off my chest then saw your reply Smile

It is hard to treat everybody equally when they are different ages and their needs and abilities are different. But as a general principle all should be expected to contribute and all get the same level of attention, support and generosity.

I suppose family finances make a difference too, if the two parents of one child have a different combined income from another IYSWIM. Eg one child might get a school ski trip paid for that another could not.
But discussing these things openly and expressing feelings about it must help.

crestofthewave · 03/10/2011 08:40

I think it's like a sensitive wound,when you've been through these tough experiences;I am surprised if someone keeps to their word;it's like I expect to be let down and if someone is helpful/kind,I don't know how to deal with it.Experience with my ex has left me finding it difficult to trust/have faith in people.You have been used to someone treating you badly-familiarity,but not to be accepted in the future.

LittleHousebytheRiver · 03/10/2011 08:42

Is that one of the reasons he is your ex?

LittleHousebytheRiver · 03/10/2011 08:46

I think that is right, I am just shocked that I have tolerated it from my funny and kind best friend without noticing it till today. I knew something was niggling at me when she made me sad.

Good news though, I have met a lovely man who seems to be genuinely kind and considerate and has made me realise what I have been missing. Early days yet but the signs are good. No red flags spotted yet either!

Misspixietrix · 03/10/2011 12:19

LittleHouse Good luck with the new man, I wish you all the best :) yesterday was hard, I was shocked at the amount of things stbx's family found 'normal' :o made me wondered what their Dh's did to them iykwim? Hmm but had a lovely time nonetheless, played in the garden with the DC's mostly after the talk whilst twat stbx stared at the football, he tried to talk to me on the drive home but I was just silent, I wish we could have tried harder because I can't believe/trust anything he says anymore :(

Misspixietrix · 03/10/2011 12:20

balls! that's meant to be a shock smiley after the normal comment not a big grin! sorry! x

notsorted · 03/10/2011 18:14

Just saw this on another thread and thought it might provide food for thought.
/www.cix.co.uk/~klockstone/spath
My ex was the lazy type who thought world deserved him a living. I fell foul when I didn't pay him for childcare Hmm

crestofthewave · 03/10/2011 19:28

Littlehouse-I was referring to divisive within a family as in causing division within the family unit, favouring his own children/attempting to alienate a stepchild/not treating that child well.

crestofthewave · 03/10/2011 20:20

How do you learn to trust a man after a bad relationship?If I speak to someone who seems nice,I'm still thinking-this is the public face/you're a wolf in sheep's clothing/there's a hidden agenda?

ThereGoesTheFear · 03/10/2011 20:33

I'm with you on that one crest. I absolutely do not want a new partner, but if I ever did, I don't know how I'd spot a good'un. My H was soooo good at looking like a decent bloke to other people that I'm narrowing my eyes at every man I know.

The Freedom Programme tries to address this by comparing the Dominator and the Friend. So far (4 weeks in out of 12) I'm not really getting the whole 'Friend' thing. Maybe by week 12 I'll be there .

It's encouraging to see people here (I'm looking at you LittleHouse :) ) who have the hope/optimism to start new relationships.

crestofthewave · 03/10/2011 21:04

'narrowing your eyes'- alot of that goes on with me too.I would like to meet someone nice but after years of stonewalling and silent treatment, I still expect a man to cut me off/silence me/be indifferent.I think the real change can take place once you live with a person, though.

crestofthewave · 03/10/2011 21:05

It's when you live with them, that you really get to know them,I should say.

Misspixietrix · 04/10/2011 09:33

Theregoes Mine is EXACTLY like that! holds the perfect family man/father image, even though I'm not out of my relationship yet, well I am getting out of it mentally if that makes sense but not physically, Mine is an elder for his ethnic community in this area, it actually is laughable! come to think of it I must get hold of the chairmans' number!................ :o Does everyone else's twat change their mind often usually at the last minute? it's like they do it to keep a bit of power isn't it? x

NettleTea · 04/10/2011 09:42

mine used to suddenly say that he wasnt going on holiday / to visit my parents/ anything we had arranged as a power thing. Well, right til near the end when I called him on it and went on holiday on my own (but of course he paid me back with sleeping with someone else in my house while I was away!). He also used to hate anyone doing anything for me, or being nice to me. He didnt like me meeting his friends as I usually got on really well with them. Like someone earlier said, he couldnt bear to see me relax - would always try to find somehing which I needed to do for him.

HerHissyness · 04/10/2011 09:53

nods at NettleTea's post. Mine would also tell me that all his friends thought I looked older than him, that they thought I was miserable...

But I wasn't allowed to talk to his friends... it wasn't seemly. They wouldn't talk in English around me and I was accused of spying when I started to pick up the language.

So on the 2 occasions (in 3 YEARS) that I went out with him and his family/hangers there they are are all chatting away laughing, apparently I'm expected to join in on the laughing, even if I have no idea what is being said...

Mine used to hate my friend, the only one in the world that I had. She would text me, we would crack each other up, she'd take me out. He'd refuse to entertain them, refused their invitation to dinner, and then told her H that I'd been committed in a mental institute for 5 years.

Pixie, you are seeing everything with 20/20 vision. don't doubt yourself.

Misspixietrix · 04/10/2011 10:03

thanks Hissy, stbx hates my BF too!! I had an app at 1pm this afternoon, he was taking his bag of shit to the garage to have the grill fixed back on the front would take the mechanic 30mins max apparently, we arranged he'd give me a lift into the city and at the last minute changed his mind cue me in a fluff and him revelling in my flusteredness! rushing to school etc my dd fell over on the way so had to leave her in the first aid room, rang him up just to rub his snotty nose in it! Angry x

crestofthewave · 04/10/2011 10:11

Mine would say 'you're no oil painting are you.'you're not in the same league as xyz','your looks are going now','xyz thought you looked a bit funny wearing ....'.......................and,he was a real charmer when I met him,btw.

crestofthewave · 04/10/2011 10:29

And 'I bet you couldn't believe it when you got with someone like me'.He has a bit of an ego.

iwillbefree · 04/10/2011 10:34

Nettle - my OH cant see me sitting down, if he is up doing something, I have to be.

I am in unchartered territory at the moment. On Friday I had slept on the sofa yet again, he came down and went to work. He rang me when he got there and said "do you dislike me that much you wont sleep in the same bed as me" I didnt answer. He said he was coming home to talk. I put a day in off work and he came home. Awkward talking for some time, he eventually asked me if I want him to leave - I said yes. He was genuinly shocked at this, I could tell he didnt know what to say. I went to hang the washing out because the silence was deafening. When I came back in he said "well im not leaving, I dont see why I should its my house aswell" He said he thinks we should give it till after xmas to see how things go.

I dont know what to think now. Since this talk 4 days ago he has been a different man. I am seeing the man I married, or am I? is this just another trick or can he change. I have made it clear I cant live the life we were and would want to split if if returns to treating me the way he was. What worries me is when I said he treated me awful for a long time he said "when have I been awful? give me examples" he said this after I had said about the not breathing, not moving, nothing ever being good enough. So does he think these things are not awful? Was he waiting for me to say something the HE thinks is awful. Sorry I dont feel like I'm making much sense.

Will time tell or not? opinions/advice appreciated

Thinking of everyone

IWBF xx

crestofthewave · 04/10/2011 10:42

Sounds like he is attempting to minimise stuff.Now he's being nice,are you questioning how miserable he makes you?eg so uncomfortable/screwed up you don't go to bed.Is this part of a cycle-going round and round.Is he quite good with words-always having a quick answer?

iwillbefree · 04/10/2011 11:36

Thanks Crest,

The minimising thing makes sense. What I am not sure of, is, has he realised that his behaviour is unacceptable and I wont stand for it anymore. Recently, I have left him briefly, asked him to leave(never done either of these things before in 20 years). Have these horrible times for both of us been enough for something in him to realise I WILL leave if he treats me that way again

OR

Is this a temporary thing that he really wont be able to keep up, is he that way inclined to try and be nice for a bit then gradually revert back to his controlling ways. Basic instict should tell him from our recent experience, Im horrible = she leaves. I make an effort, stop being a total arse = happy family life.

why would his brain tell him to be horrible when the repercussions are he is made unhappy by me/kids leaving?

I know thats a bit deep but need to understand him

IWBF xx

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