Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships 5

[ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow]

Welcome!

This is the latest instalment in a series of threads for those who are in abusive relationships, those who have left abusive relationships, and those gearing to leave.

Come vent, share, give and receive support.

The first question you may be asking yourself as a new visitor to this thread is:

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.

It's pathetic isn't it, the petty levels of control that they stoop to.

One time, my ex stopped off at a posh butchers shop on his way home from work and brought 6 really lovely fillet steaks - one for each of us including the au pair - He cooked them on Saturday lunch time for everyone except me because I was still in bed having worked a night shift.

When i got up at 4 in the afternoon I went into the kitchen to cook mine. He came storming in to the kitchen, said the steak was too big and that I was only allowed to have half of it, cut it in half and then froze the other half.

This was the one and only time he ever brought a steak in 20 years of marriage. I had cooked him scores of steak dinners over the years.

Why did he feel it necessary to do that to me?

bejeezus thanks for posting that Jamelia song. That is how I feel. Exactly. Wow.

Why aren't I as sorted, as recovering, and as "life seeping back" as you lot?
Why did it take me three days of list-writing to even remember what sort of food I used to eat before X2?
Why am I still having one little recollection, every couple of days, and having to think it through before realising, "yeah, that was abusive" ...
... and still having to fight off the urge to feel that, actually, it was my fault after all and he could have had a healthy relationship with anybody else?
Gah.

Bibi, I knew when I adopted my cat that she was a metaphor for all my own emotional ailments! She's now much healthier, and far less timid/scared, but she's still an irritating little fucker bundle of fluff.

I must be tired, I guess. Thank you all for this thread, you done me good tonight. x

Fark me, just when I think I've heard it all notsosmugmarried - half a steak??!!

What always makes me the most angry about stuff like that is that we accepted this shit at the time - well, speaking for myself here I know I would have been too stunned for the proper response to something like that (OI, nutter, give me back the rest of my steak') for example.

Craziness it really is!

IWillBe like others have pointed out this is fairly standard stuff. Been there myself (right down to the 'let's have one more Christmas together'). It's pretty telling that even if his change is permanent , it was only prompted by your decision to leave, when your abject misery has never been a good enough reason in the past.

If the roles were reversed, and you'd been so cruel to another human being, how would you react? Would you make them justify their (very real, I tell you!) grievances, and not apologise, but simply start on a new page being a bit nicer? No! You'd be down on your knees, distraught at the suffering you'd caused, trying to apologise and make amends. And you'd hope, but not expect, that the relationship would survive.

Sorted I completely agree with you on your toddler analogy. My H has a personality disorder, which accounts for his lack of empathy and capacity for extreme cruelty. Of course I can't diagnose anyone, but I believe it's fairly common for an abusive person to have a personality disorder, so many of 'our' bad bastards may have PDs. PDs are often defined as arrested emotional development, with that development stopping somewhere in very early childhood (or even babyhood, as I've been told is the case with my H). An interesting perspective from my therapist (who specialises in PDs) is that the person with a PD is not just doing all the toddler tantrumming etc, but is also giving out the non-verbal nurture me/comfort me signals that babies send out. Someone who is maternal/nurturing by nature will respond very strongly to these signals. Think of the way we respond to a baby crying, or even a baby mammal. I think there must be something in it. We seem to be a very empathetic bunch on here. And look at how many of us here are animal lovers, for instance.

Bejeezus that's brilliant that you're feeling so positive - Rah! Rah! As for your question... I'm a few months out and whilst I can see some benefits from the recovery process (principally self-knowledge), I would do anything to turn back the clock and take a different path. I regret the lost years, I regret my lost trust in men, I regret the lost opportunities to create a loving supportive relationship and family for my children.

Bibi that poor mummy dog.

are you another garlic then garlicscaresvampires or the Halloween incarnation of our resident 'pungent poster' :) ?

Well, whichever, personally I refuse to put a timescale on an achievement or realisation on myself with this stuff. Not like anyone here is ever going to roll their eyes and say 'tsk, I reached that conclusion 6 months ago'

Its a very individual journey this and the most important thing is to stay on it.

irritating little fucker - that's your love making the furball more secure to be who he/she is. My cats of course are perfect and never irritating in the slightest

That is effing scary to contemplate theregoesthefear. That anyone could be stuck at a baby/toddler emotional development stage yet masquerade as an adult.

And the responding to signals of neediness etc - a slight whiff of that used to have me scurrying 'to make it all better' simply because I never had that growing up and don't want anyone to suffer through that horrible feeling alone.

I firmly plan to keep that sort of care for animals in need and actual babies in future!!

another one here who got a kitten a week after her ex left

Garlic it's a long road, isn't it? I'm 6 months out and I just 'discovered' that something H used to do (and is still trying to do) was really shitty. But I'm not sure I could have coped if everything had come crashing down at the same time - maybe our minds only let us handle as much as we can cope with at the time?

But listen to me : You did not cause this! You can't make a man be abusive, dishonest, nasty, controlling.

MO me too

vampires you'll get there..i still cant remember what i used to eat 'before' - i can relate to that completely, i still have those recollections too. but somehow there is less importance attached to it. i think its a very gradual process of your life slowly filling up with 'other stuff' that there was no room for before..and once the balace tips and there is more 'other stuff' than 'shit stuff' it gets easier to look at that shit stuff and be less hurt by it all over again

my situation was mild though mind, compared to most on here

Well, whichever, personally I refuse to put a timescale on an achievement or realisation on myself with this stuff. Not like anyone here is ever going to roll their eyes and say 'tsk, I reached that conclusion 6 months ago'

But I'm not sure I could have coped if everything had come crashing down at the same time - maybe our minds only let us handle as much as we can cope with at the time?

just wanted to make these 2 points again!

Actually I just worked out why I got a kitten just after my ex left.

It sounds corny but it's because I really have got so much love to give.

you're cornier than corned beef notsosmugmarried.

He he, sorry, couldn't resist :) I feel exactly the same - so much love to give it has to go somewhere.

Better it go into a pet than another undeserving human!

Speaking of pets, one of mine has just arrived for her midnight snack so duty calls followed by bed. Lovely chatting to you all as ever, sleep well!

TGTF at the channelling! I got told this today at the group session.

blaming myself for the BadDad stuff. I'm OK about it now.
Funny enough, group leader was about the freedom programme.

I kind of get her reservations, in that you need to to a lot of thinking around the programme, and not just blindly believe... but surely that is the same with everything?

She did complement me on my Reflective Thinking though Where I challenge and turn on it's head, everything that is going on. And this I suppose is how I come up with other ways, simple ways, mechanised ways of dealing/processing the next step. It's removing the emotion/panic from the equation, judging the situation in a second and then forming the definite steps through the situation.

Joke is that much of this is honed from being in the abusive relationship, where I would rehearse arguments, situations and I still do. I used to think well on my feet. My bosses used to say that The Impossible was my Speciality... cos the more the shit kicked off, the calmer I got.

Somehow with shit head, the emotion got back in and I freaked for a while. I'm getting the calm back now, but it's different. there's still an uncertainty. A lack of confidence, a feeling of being on shaky ground. When I have to 'confront' anyone on any subject, even stating that I will not be able to return keys to an office until the next day, I find I rehearse what I will say.

I suppose if I can carry on with the Fake it till you Make it, I may get better. I kind of beat the agoraphobia didn't i?

Ok this is really weird. Is this why I've been wanting to get a dog/cat for the last few months?
I am obsessed with the idea. Of course DH (dick head) hates the idea.
So when I do finally get out on my own with DCs I think thats the first thing we will do. The DCs are mad for a little friend too.

Bibi everything you've said resonates so much . I imagine thats how I would feel if I were to finally be rid as its what is taken from me at the moment. My own sense of freedom to be who I am without insulting comment from him.

Can't stand his moping about like I'm the psycho witch wounding him for no reason. He is downstairs getting through a bottle of wine. Barely uttered a word to him in 3 days which I don't mind but I am lonely and have been ill and suffering cabin fever in the house. Got to get out tomorrow. Got to visit CAB. Got to see where I stand. Got to get out.
I dread the end. Dread dread dread with all my heart. Worrying over am I doing the right thing? Is it really me thats the crazy one? Why am I so worried about his feelings after everything he's said and done to me? I want to just be able to be one of those stomp-on-his-bits women but I can't seem to get there. There's a wall. Theres a feeling of shame. Theres wishing that I didn't have to take it this far for him to allow me the choice to dissolve the relationship. He's never going to leave me alone. I feel like I'm always going to be in the hoover.

Don't dread the end. I know why you do and I remember it well, but it's easier than you think. Trust me? I did and felt and thought the exact same thing.

As Paulo Coelho says "The fear of separation is worse than the Separation itself"

Morning all and I am sorry I missed such an interesting discussion last night.

Bibi it is nice to have you back and on such good form!

breakfree it is true the actual end is such a relief you will be amazed when it comes and wonder why you dreaded it.

I was at a work meeting until late last night where I went in cheerfully and volunteered for several shifts over Xmas, offered to help out two people by doing favours, then got criticised for something unjustified and came home in pieces sobbing.

I always get this child inside me crying "I was doing my best! Why is it never good enough?" So I have written Anne of Green Gables apologies to those concerned and am going in today with my tail down cowering and feeling a bit like Bibi's little dog.

Last nights posts from Bibi about her little dog, and from NSASMN about her little kitten, together with the other song from Jameela, courtesy of beejezus put me in mind of "I will survive" by Gloria Gaynor. I remember singing that with some girlfriends of mine from work, years ago - the best job I ever had. We went out for my leaving do as I was just off to travel abroad for a year - so, good & exciting times !
Just googled the words and see how spot on they are for many on here ....

(Oh no, not I ...)
I will survive
as long as I know how to love
I know I will stay alive
I've got all my life to live
I've got all my love to give
& I'll survive
I will survive

( not sure how to cut and paste or link, but if anyone feels inclined the whole song is well worth a read - OR A SING AT FULL VOLUME !!! )

Have a good day everyone - be strong !

At my divorce party, juggling, the whole bar sang "I will survive"! Complete with mime actions for "Go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now, you're not welcome any more"

Thanks for all the sensible reassurances, everyone. Bibi, yes, 'tis I, seasonally stinky

This life is so tiny and isolated, perhaps it's why I'm still processing ... There isn't enough to fill the gaps, as yet. I am not liking these years, though I suspect they're kind of necessary. They're my 'wilderness years', forcing me to look inwards and do that horrible cliche, work on myself. I used to travel alone a lot - people would inevitably ask me, thinking they were deep, what I was running away from. I used to say: maybe I'm not running away, maybe I'm looking for something - my inner voice would add "Myself".

Hissy, if all this shit has taught me anything it's that blind faith is a very bad idea! I noticed the only people who say "You think too much" are people who want you to blindly follow them ... Thinking is GOOD!!

What you said about PD folk giving off 'nurture me' vibes is really helpful, TGTF! It's the little-boy-lost; the boyish charm, isn't it? Or girl, of course. People like that have been making me feel nervy for quite a while now. I think I'm going to mark them down as possibly PD from now on, and proceed with caution.

whilst we are on that genre;

I sing this to my DDs they tell me to shut up cuz my singing is godawful

Candi Station
Young Hearts Run Free Lyrics

What's the sense in sharing this one and only life
Ending up, just another lost and lonely wife
You count up the years, and they will be filled with tears, oooh
Love only breaks up, to start over again
You'll get the babies, but you won't have your man
While he is busy loving every woman that he can, huh huh

Say I wanna leave a thousand times a day
It's easier said that done, when I just can't break away
Just can't break away

Young hearts, run free
Never be hung up, hung up like my man and me (oooh)
Hmmm, my man and me
Young hearts, to yourself be true
Don't be no fool when loving is all there is (oooh)
I said I don't love you

It's high time, just one crack at life
Who we want to live in, trouble and strife
My mind must be free, to learn all I can about me
I'm gonna love me for the rest of my days
Caress the babies every time they say
Self resevation is what's really going on today, oooh

Say I wanna leave a thousand times a day
How can I turn loose
When you just can't break away (just can't break away)

Young hearts, run free
Never be hung up, hung up like my man and me (oooh)
Oooh, my man and me
Whoa, young hearts, to yourself be true
Don't be no fool when loving is all there is (oooh)
I said I don't love you, hmmm

Oh, whoa
Oh, whoa
Oh, whoa
Oh, whoa

Young hearts, run free
Never be hung up, hung up like my man and me (oooh)
Whoa, my man and me
Whoa, young hearts, to yourself be true
Don't be no fool when loving is all there is (oooh)
No, yeah aaah aaah aaah

Young hearts, run free...

Not used to hearing you talk about this stuff so didn't sound like you for a second garlic - if that makes any sense whatsoever :)

So much to comment on since I went to bed but to pick out one - if i had so much as a penny for every time some idiot has said that to me throughout my life...

And what's more irritating is I used to swallow it whole and felt guilty for not being able to accept things at their surface value. People who know and like me call me the interrogator because i ask and ask questions to get behind the bland everyday facade of things.

I've noticed the 'don't think too much' statement often comes from those in my life who hold strong religious views/beliefs - each to their own but don't look down on me with abject pity because I can't just accept someone trilling 'believe' at me and make it happen.

Oops, didn't know i had so much to say on the subject.

Anyway, I have to go rummage around the charity shops at the 'posh' end of town followed by a visit to the cheese shop for a bit of my favourite ancient tasty cheddar, aaah, holidays....

See you all later for cheese and crackers :)

Hi thanks for the lyrics, its the first time i've actually took notice of the words!

Thanks for the advice, I apologise for not seeing what is happening to me. Its the first time Ive been through this but so many paople are telling me I'm textbook, I leave, hes nice, I come back. For some reason I think my situation will be different but I can feel the rolling of the eyes of everyone thinking but not saying (WAKE UP WOMAN.)

Off to mope around, crap day today

IWBF xx

beejeezus Great song - always loved the chorus "Young hearts, run free !"

• I probably was young when it came out

Never knew the rest of it held such wisdom though !

Bibi Save me some cheese and crackers for later !

IWBF Hope your day turns out slightly less crap than you're expecting it to be
Perhaps the last of this sunshine might be a pleasant diversion ?
What are you up to today ?

Hi.I have found the words of the Candi Staton so appropriate.Just listened to them. They made me cry. When it was in the charts back in 1976 I liked it but at that age it didn't mean anything to me. Sorry to be pernickety - But, I want to point out the correct wording of a line as it makes alot of sense to me - instead of

'Don't be no fool when loving is all there is'

in the song it is : 'don't be no fool when love really don't love you'