Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships 5

[ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow]

Welcome!

This is the latest instalment in a series of threads for those who are in abusive relationships, those who have left abusive relationships, and those gearing to leave.

Come vent, share, give and receive support.

The first question you may be asking yourself as a new visitor to this thread is:

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.

we're finally free of him I can take my DC's anywhere, I hate that I'm not in a position to do this for them yet but I know one day the waiting and the patience hardwork and saving will all add up and we'll be able to pack & go :o see? I don't know if I'm meant to feel like this but I don't feel upset or hurt anymore, I'm pissboiling angry at him for not realising what he might sorry WILL LOSE!! x

I recognise alot of whatis being said here. Ex was always too tired or in bed if I or DD needed anything, but he would manage to get up at the crack of dawn for any twatty friend.
well rid

Dear MissPixie, I spent so long feeling sorry for myself with exTwat and hoping for stuff he couldn't/wouldn't deliver. Hope the boiling anger has turned to ice cold rage of determination. Keep breathing, go to bed early, sod the house and take you and the DCs off to have a lovely day by yourselves and think of how easier it is without his behaviour hanging over you all like a black cloud.
This afternoon spent with DS meanwhile thinking that ex would be moaning about the heat/sunshine and would have dragged us back home because he was bored/fed up. Deep breaths - it will soon be over.
Also good feeling as hear on grapevine that ex following the usual script - not happy despite having the OW, still very depressed. Can't help it but it makes me feel

Hi there, sorry to intrude on your personal thread, I am from The Other Threads (BBerties) and I just wanted to say that I think you were admirably supportive of MrsR despite all the awfulness. Also to apologise in case my abrasive tone brought bad things down on the whole episode. I was so angry on her behalf (and there was one poster I could have lamped for almost deliberately trying to make her feel absolutely crazy) but it probably wasn't the right "feel" for things. Anyway, I think you were so good and so supportive and I'm really sure she will have gleaned something from that.

Garlic: MrsR pm'ed me about starting a new thread so I hope very much she'll be back.

Ps I name-changed because there's someone who follows me every bringing her special brand of anti-fairy dust and I didn't want to bring her here into your private space.

Can I ask a practical question? What are your thoughts on antidepressants?

I'm in gp prescribed counselling for anxiety & depression (in that order) as well as the relationship fallout. I'm still not coping very well and am considering taking meds to get me through this. I've been off work for a while and more would be pushing things and I've got no family here to support with my kids. I just feel really ambivalent - I'm sure this is a reaction to all his crap, especially as it really gets worse wherever he starts in again. So.. I feel really strange about playing with brain chemistry, I don't want to even out my emotions so I can cope with what I shouldn't need to cope with and I worry that I need to feel the emotions now to process properly or they will come out sometime later.

Thoughts?

When you're in a relationship with an abusive partner,it's very easy all the time to keep questioning why do they do that,why do they treat me like that.And I think that if you've had a past relationship where all the mindf......crap doesn't exist,then you question why?why?is this person so mean,thoughtless,inconsiderate,uncaring.But, you probably won't find the humanity you are looking for with this person; bottom-line is- they don't care,they don't respect you,they are going to put their welfare first-eg. their fancy for sex will not take into account any pain you are suffering.Horrible as it is.And it's no good hoping they're going to metamorphosise into being kind.

Butterflybee-a counsellor said to me that AD's are like a sticking plaster on a wound.I started taking them to help with sleep etc. and I don't have alot of support either.I feel the same about the playing with the chemistry in the brain,but,after alot of consideration,I decided to take them because I weighed up the pros. of them helping me to get through this difficult time, with a view to coming off them in time.

foolonthehill-my ex would do anything for anyone, other than me.That used to upset me alot.He was everyone else's best friend,and to everyone else,he was a sweet,helpful guy.I sympathise if that is what you experience.

butterflybee, you are out of your relationship right? if so then you need the ADs to stabilise, to ease up on yourself and just regroup.

Often women in abusive relationships go on to ADs (or drink, or drugs) to medicate themselves to cope with the situations.

Once the poison is removed from your life, it's easier to get off the stuff, the meds etc. it'll take time, but it can happen.

Dear Butterflybee, I'm on the ADs and counselling. I had a couple of times off work as I literally couldn't cope with anything - had to keep walking away from mealtimes as didn't want DCs to see me crying, couldn't walk down the street etc, etc. Think of them as a bit like brandy for shock. They take the edge of the utter misery and will probably get you a bit more sleep, distance. I'd say take them and see how you go. Citalopram is a favourite at the mo (I'm on it) and also have a look at the MH boards here. Your GP sounds sympathetic and with counselling it doesn't sound like GP is handing them out as only solution.

OP,as the others says,AD are useful,for example,if you're not functioning/sleeping well/crying all the time.I have found though that I now get frustrated because sometimes I want to have a good cry,(very catharic/good release/stress release for me),and the tears don't always come.But,maybe I have cried so much,through this process,there are less tears left now.

cathartic

I would say,butterflybee,that(in my opinion)they may help you to get back to work so you feel more in control of your life-better to keep your brain occupied with work and less impact from crap he is giving you.

Thanks for the perspective.. I have started citalopram in the hopes of functioning at work and started looking at the mental health boards too.

I know they'll take the edge off and allow me to cope a bit better. I was on them once before years ago - when I met my current ex, actually. (Wonder if that's why I'm so worried? Could they have messed with my instincts??? Didn't think of that until now.)

Anyone have thoughts or experience of whether it's better / easier to process on or off them?

hi ladies am really worried about dc1.she has become very down in her mood lately. she finds it hard to explain herself being only 7 but she is convinced herself that daddy doesnt love her. he is always blaming her for everything. .nitpicking at her, accusing her of bullying dc2. shd says he hugs dc2 but never hugs her. of course he says she is only trying to drive a wedge between us and stir sh** .which is of course,hilarious.shes 7.i know how he abuses me so easy for him to emotionally abuse my child so close to me. anyway she asked me today again could we move house. she also said maybe if we moved i would feel better and not be so sick because he wouldnt be shouting anymore. my heart is breaking. what a head on those tiny shoulders :-(
ive got flu at the moment.absolutely in bits. vomiting and all.he told me to get out of bed to let him go back to bed. where is he now? guess. and its not bevause i relented for him. its because my dcs were so bored and uninteracted with while he sat in the kitchen on his f-ing gaming site.

BF.

I love you, you know this.

But for the love of god, your kids are hurting. YOU are hurting and I know you will beleive me when I tell you that this hurt takes bloody AGES to heal.... if ever. I don't know, I can only HOPE I recover from this, I hope my DS is not hurt by it so far... But the simple fact is that I don't know

YOU on the other hand have your DD, 7, asking to LEAVE. Asking to GET AWAY from a vile man who is her FATHER.

Even if he were to vaporise (I WISH) this very instant, you would be looking at fall out, acting out and healing for a considerable period of time. This is not something you can do either, you will all need professional help to recover.
And for what? for the sake of a mindless, selfish, entitled, cruel and abusive TWAT?

You need to stand up for your DD NOW, today, this bloody instant. Or as soon as you stop vomiting...

TELL him that you will not stand by while a child of yours feels marginalised in your home. He can leave this weekend.

It IS that serious.

No child WANTS their parents to split.

the fact that she is asking this is about as fucking serious as it gets my love.

What ELSE do you need? Seriously? What ELSE is it going to take?

((((HUGS))))

butterflybee re antidepressants. ADs won't take away the feelings completely but the right one can enable you to reduce your anxiety and depression and to sleep and eat enough so that you can get through the days and access help and counselling so that you can make the best use of what is available.

They may also take away the lethargy and feelings of hopelessness so that you can connect again with the world.

They won't solve your problems, sort out your life or give you back the time you've lost with your abusive partner. But for a period they can help you to be a little bit more like you again and remind yourself who you are.

Then you can leave the ADs behind knowing that your brain chemistry has had a bit of a boost and you have a good platform to work from. then exercise, loving friends and psych counselling can do the lasting work. It is a bit like a plaster....but plasters are useful to stop the bleeding whilst you knit together the wound and allow healing to begin.

May have outed myself a bit here?????????
Hope it helps you to make your decision.

Should mention that they all have side effects and some people find these more troublesome than others. Especially ati anxiety ADs which can temporarily (48hrs) make anxious symptoms worse.

There's a common theme about the environment of these relationships - ANGST.

Thanks foolonthehill, that was really helpful.

I hope you don't mind HH , I pmd you.

Of course I don't mind love!

Have replied.

Breakfree.What ages are your dc?Are they from your marriage?

Anyone had experience of divisiveness within a family?