Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships 5

[ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow]

Welcome!

This is the latest instalment in a series of threads for those who are in abusive relationships, those who have left abusive relationships, and those gearing to leave.

Come vent, share, give and receive support.

The first question you may be asking yourself as a new visitor to this thread is:

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.

MNers..i can honestly say I wouldn't have got here without you...you helped me see who he really is, you held my hand through the mind scramble, and i truly feel like today is the beginning of the rest of my life (our lives) ...realise that there will be some dark days and trouble ahead (I'm guessing he's not going to go sailing off into the sunset....despite threats to disappear forever!)...

wobblers...I wobbled too(and cried and ranted) but someone recommended the glass shield technique..and also i found that having his friend here helped me to see how he makes everything...sort of came out of my body and saw it through his eyes...so without the history of appeasement etc.

wow you're great you lot!!

Way to go fool. So this is the bit of trouble you mentioned when you so kindly posted on my little lost thread...

ahh yes...this bit of trouble was definitely messing with my head at that point...I wasn't making much sense...but didn't want you to feel alone in cyberspace...it's a bit freaky when you feel like your posting into nothingness!...I remember you kindly offered a listening screen...but I couldn't quite make sense in my own head.....but was (and am) grateful for the offer.

Mmh, modesty levels are dropping nicely in Bibi land

So pleased for you FOTH am turning back into thread clown :)

TICKET to far side for THAT guy!!!

Fool I am glad for you that you are progressing. It is a long and winding road but you are steadily moving along it.

HNH I will go and read your thread.

Aw, bless, littlehouse, no need really as I am posting about me mainly on here (with little bits about me on other thread replies).

Thread was prompted by starting to read my psychiatric medical records. Sadly, not only do they seem to show abuse by my OH (he wouldn't bring the kids, who were teens, in to see me when I was in hospital, and then, when I was on weekend leave, left me to look after them while remaining stuck alone in the house - they actually played out so I didn't get to see much of them - while he went off to work), but also, twice, by someone I considered my BF.

I can drone on at length post some more if anyone's interested. But although I am saddened, I am also sorted.

YAY thread clown is back..

Bibi I will accept ticket on behalf of other half...please reserve particularly uncomfy berth.....

HNH...sorted...what a wonderful word!!

Hi just wanted to say hi, well I did it my oh has just bail, conditions to stay at his sisters, not contact me , or come to family home, he's not been charged they have further enquieres ? I just feel so shi t I'm sat here dc in bed and it's so lonely , I have been there most if the day, so tired but all his family are driving to see him, running around after him, I will never be able to trust him now x

yellowtang of course you will be tired after all you've been through (I've read your thread).

Please don't feel lonely (stupid thing to say, I know). In actual fact, you are less lonely without him there than with him, in the true sense of the word.

I think fear of loneliness is one thing that has kept me bashing my head against a brick wall repeatedly trying to sort things out with OH. I suppose that is one reason they try to isolate you. But I have realised there are worse things to fear - not physical violence in my case (I hope), but the continuation of how things have been.

yellowtang you are brave and beautiful...and I expect you won't be lonely...just think all that energy that you've been expending on him ( been on your thread too by the way!!) you can have back for positive relationships that feed you. Well done

you couldn't trust him before......now he just can't get at you in your own space!

be strong, and be kind to yourself, don't expect too much from yourself...treat it like grieving.....you are grieving the relationship that never was and the man he could have been.....your DCs will be forever grateful.....

Thankyou I was ok but put dc to bed now I'm in bits his sister keeps texting me to see if he can see the dc and I don't know what to do it's tearing me up inside just feel like I have been throughout all the shot today medical examination video evidence then came home doted all 7 dc out now I'm Here on my own and he's got family supporting him it's so not fare

Yes I suppose I am grieving it makes sense , I'm upset because I grew up without a dad and now it's napping to my dc , it wasn't ment to be like this , any advice on what to tell them? All ages ? The older 2 know some bits they saw police last night, should I let him see dc I don't know

My gut instinct says Not Yet.

Who knows what nonsense he will tell them.

Yep ,his sisters pushing it, he's not in no stable fram of mind ? I feel like I want him to see them but wish I could wait outside but that's going to happen

Yes, it is unfair yellowtang that he has family around him but - they're all colluding with each other in the fantasy that it's not fair on him.

Let them get on with it i say while you get on and build something real and wonderful for you and dc.

Someone said its less lonely completely by yourself than with someone who didn't care for and about you and I've found that to be very true.

You've been incredibly strong so far, try and get some sleep, feelings do change and evolve so quickly that things really will look different in the morning.

And time to get as angry as you can especially at the bloody family texting you and pestering you - they can all go and do one for now - it's all about your needs and decisions so ignore them as much as you can.

You're doing what's best for you and the dc now and to hell with their demands.

for you.

Yellowtang. Tell his sister that her brother is an abuser and that if she is any kind of woman, instead of harassing you, to have a LONG hard look at her sibling.

Tell her that unless she is prepared to FULLY support you against him that you will know that she is contributing to his abuse of you and your DC and you will have nothing more to do with her either.

Switch your phone OFF.

Allow me to tell you one thing. You will see this when you read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft.

These men very, very, very and I mean VERY rarely recover/change from being abusive to being NON-abusive.

those in that pathetically piss poor minority ONLY change when their entire support network ditch them. His family, friends, everyone he knows has to tell him to fuck off because he is an abusive twunt and THEN he may realise that he may have got it slightly wrong. NOTHING less than total abandonment MIGHT have a shot at making him change.

this illustrates a couple of points:
(1) that he is very unlikely to stop abusing. EVER.
(2) if his family don't support you, they are as BAD AS HE IS

The above couple of paragraphs just saved you months if not YEARS of wasted time. Believe me.

Think you should talk to social services...they've been really helpful to me re contact...

given his record and awaiting trial they may advise supervised contact and may offer contact centre.

Text SIL back to say it's for social services to decide and you can't make any decisions...that should get her off your back and give himself something to ponder.......

Oh and as for how you are feeling yellowtang, you are in shock. This passes very quickly. We'll hold your hand the whole way, you are not alone anymore, OK?

Call WA for a chat, they'll tell you that you have done the right thing. They will keep you strong. call them whenever you need to.

Thankyou I'm guessing you are all correct as you were before when I first posted !

Love, you are at the beginning of a journey.

You will soon see that they ALL say the same shit, do the same things, hurt us the same ways. We are ALL you. Maybe some of us are YOU in a few months time, some of us are not yet YOU, and are still waiting for the day that they can get free.

YT, Hope today is sunny for you...take it a moment at a time...are you on half term???

just told my DCs...and got this reaction from the 2 oldest which made me ..only one cried and the youngest just came out with a list of the things that she will be allowed to do now (all correct...silly things like not being allowed into our bed after a nightmare!!!!etc.)

guess it might hit home later but for now feeling free and

and he's abroad so don't have to sort out contact!!

sausages for lunch than we're off to look at some farm animals......

That's brilliant, foth. IMO it's a GREAT idea to do the small stuff that the "boss" didn't allow ... frozen pizzas, TV in your pyjamas, reading in bed, skipping a shower, eating garlic ... They all burn a thousand minor oppressions into their family's brains and it's good for everyone to rethink for themselves. It's very healthy for children, and for us, to consider which boundaries are actually sensible and which were just a load of control bollocks. I found I had forgotten (after ony 3 years!) which foods and colours I like.

When my father died, Mum ate onions and curry every day for three months [hgrin]

Ha ha...onions and curry...tempting.......!the fore-runner to garlic obviously!!!!

tonight everyone is still functioning normally...maybe will hit home a bit more when there are gaps where his stuff went??

PS in homage to you all I was trying to start new thread. as this is getting a bit long for some of the newcomers to catch up with!!!!.have copied links into word....but am toothick not techy enough to work out how to keep them as links if i cut and paste!!!

FOTH, we have 150 posts left, we're OK for now, I think there is a doc somewhere with all the links on, so one of the others will set it up when we are nearer the 1000.