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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships 5

999 replies

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 26/09/2011 21:50

Welcome!

This is the latest instalment in a series of threads for those who are in abusive relationships, those who have left abusive relationships, and those gearing to leave.

Come vent, share, give and receive support.

The first question you may be asking yourself as a new visitor to this thread is:

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.

OP posts:
foolonthehill · 22/10/2011 15:42

The plan is to tell him that he has been emotionally abusive and has damaged me and the children, that he needs to leave and live somewhere else,

that he needs to address his abuse with proper professional help and that there is no prospect of us getting back together unless there is a dramatic and miraculous and sustained change in his behaviour over the next 2 years and even then it is unlikely.

He's got to sort out temporary accommodation whilst he is away (could go to BIL..they have space) and not come back to live here,

longer term we will have to sort out. The school have talked to social services (DD1 discussed with teacher..not at my behest, but i have said that there should be no secrets to the children and that they can talk to anyone they want to or feel comfortable with if/when they want to)...which may actually be helpful in the longer term.

Don't know where to go after that.

If he won't play along then I guess it's straight to divorce...longer but at least it'll get him away...

foolonthehill · 22/10/2011 15:42

PS thanks "sacry/hissy"

foolonthehill · 22/10/2011 15:43

oops scary/hissy

HerScaryness · 22/10/2011 15:45

have a bag ready in case it kicks off, phones within reach and pre-arranged calls and code words if you can.

don't think twice about calling the police if it gets nasty.

thinking of you chick.

HerScaryness · 22/10/2011 15:46

The other option is that you get his stuff taken to BIL while he's away and tell him that he's not to return to the house when he comes back and to go there. he can then sort out something long term himself.

Yes it's shitty, but if you are genuinely in fear of him and if he has form for violence, you have to be realistic and you have to play safe.

foolonthehill · 22/10/2011 15:47

thanks...I don't suppose all the readiness in the world will ever make me really ready??

Must not give in to emotional blackmail ( I have a real bona-fide "Victim" in the Lundy classification...and i of course can fix anyone with love (ha ha ha).

foolonthehill · 22/10/2011 15:50

keep thinking if he does kick off that will make it easier ( I'm quite brave when he's violent....probably why he adopts the victim mostly)....police to remove...new life ahead....Good Lord I'm going to be lonely/busy/terriblly sad...and so much healing to do...me DCs...........Sad

HerScaryness · 22/10/2011 16:02

"Good Lord I'm going to be lonely/busy/terriblly sad"

nope, you'll be surprised actually!

You'll immeditately be relieved, rested. You'll kick yourself for putting up with it for so long, you may be busy, but sad and lonely? doubt it.

That crappy gut wrenching feeling of absolute idiocy will pass in less than a week. You will relax, believe me, the grass really IS greener on the other side of an abusive relationship!

foolonthehill · 22/10/2011 16:07

Smile...looking forward to that.

And actually...I know that churches and religious orgs get a lot of bad press on this thread for being unsupportive (and basically ill-informed) on EA and DV but mine has been AMAZING...so I really do have some great RL support....

thanks for all of your help tho...I would never have recognised what I live with if I hadn't read this thread.....and been sent here by the "doghouse" ....thumbs up for MN.....

judgingless · 22/10/2011 18:51

foolonthehill-I think you should be prepared for the fact that there may be another scenario when you have talked to him.He may not kick off, he may not even attempt emotional blackmail, he may not get angry or threatening; he may just simply make the statement that he does not intend to leave, it's a joint property and it's his home too.

foolonthehill · 22/10/2011 22:59

thankks JL yes I have thought of that, and I know legally he can stay...if so we will go, bag packed and friends primed...then I guess it's lawyers all the way Sad.

social services have logged his effect on the children who have had some great help at school so I hope that will help if he decides to sit it out...

what can you do?? I married him and EVERYTHING is in joint names because I'm an optimist....so I could be well and truly stitched up...fortunately if the worst came to the worst I could go and live with m,y briother...but that is on the other side of the country...and much harder on the kids.........

Misspixietrix · 22/10/2011 23:28

just wanted to add what scary had said FOTH, fwiw if he is violent the police won't let him come back for 24hrs this is what they told me the other week when I called them out on my XT & I have a sneeky suspicion he'll play "the it's my marital home and i'm not going anywhere card" first though like mine did. But he KNOWS this will mindfuck you more, remember they are always in control, my strategy atm with dealing with X is to state my point calmly, clearly witha bit of assertiveness ie not letting

Misspixietrix · 22/10/2011 23:38

him interrupt until I've finished my sentence and explaining why, like what you've said to us, you're treating me unreasonably, I refuse to accept/tolerate the behaviour any further etc and x y and z now need to happen. Good luck and hope it goes well for you x scary's right, I was a mess last week but I think I was greiving for more what wasn't than was iykwim? My dd's teacher remarked on how content she now looked this week! that sealed the deal for me :o You WILL be ok :) x

Cheeseandseveredfingersarnie · 22/10/2011 23:43

dh has gone out tonight,wonder how many people hes seen that he'll sa im sleeping with?

garlicBreathZombie · 23/10/2011 00:23

My dd's teacher remarked on how content she now looked this week - says it all, doesn't it, Pixie.

garlicBreathZombie · 23/10/2011 00:27

There was a woman next to me in the shop this afternoon. She had a bruise along her cheekbone - the kind you get from a thwack. Can't think of any ordinary accident that would give you the same bruise - rather, she didn't look like a squash player or a boxer. She'd covered it with loads of concealer.

I just wanted to tell her "CHUCK HIM OUT!" But you can't, can you :(

sweepitundertherug · 23/10/2011 12:37

footonthehill hope you'll be ok. Thinking of you.

My "d"H has had a personality transplant as his brother is up. They're out atm as my H is reffing.

There is somone on my thread who is trying to be helpful. I do appreciate that. But s/he clearly has never been through EA.

It's making me feel stupid & doubting myself.

headnotheart · 23/10/2011 17:04

sweep I am technically on antidepressants (paroxatine), to the medical world their best guess is I am bipolar but I have for many years known that much of the deprssion was due to OH. As you know about yours.

Since I made the decision to divorce, and consulted a solicitor, guess what? I am no longer depressed and have neglected to take them (I think I'll do so though, to be on the safe side).

It's odd how surprised I am that he is nasty to me in almost each one of the few conversations we have. Since he was the one that started it by wanting to live separately, and at the back of my mind I thought he was still a reasonable person. He's annoyed that my solicitor thinks the division of assets should be in my favour.

Still, it made drawing up the unreasonable behaviour easier - I just had to see his behaviour each day - it worsened - as his case is basically that I am bonkers, you would have thought he would have been all reasonable himself.

So great also that I am no longer drawn into the same old slanging matches. I try to stick to facts, or my honest opinion, but no more than that. And think to myself that I won't have to put up with many more of these conversations with him.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 23/10/2011 17:59

headnotheart my depression lifted pretty quickly after I saw a solicitor. In fact, |I can honestly say that I haven't had a days illness in the 6 months since I filed for divorce. Before that, I was plagued with migraines, IBS, coldsores, acid indigestion, tiredness, you name it! I had it. Constantly. But it was as if it all disappeared overnight, God it was shocking really, when I realised what sort of effect living with him had had on my physical health.

Towards the end I also noticed that he was nasty to me in EVERY single conversation we had, this was before I filed for divorce.

Oh, and mine also accused me of being bonkers - I think he really believed that because I didn't want to be married to him I must be insane!!!!

foolonthehill · 23/10/2011 18:36

DEED DONE (for now) Grin.
He went through every manipulative position in the book, then tried the mind-spaghetti thing...then the I'm not going...then the If I go you'll never see me again and neither will the children. and then the Well I saw this coming so I've already arranged somewhere to stay.....Hmm...friend who was with me went...ok now I see what you mean about trying to hold a conversation with him is like grabbing hold of jelly ( this is H's friend for last 10 years!!!!)

Un fortunately what he has actually done is taken his work gear to London and left everything else...me thinks he does not really think he has gone...........

anyway round 2 will be booked in his diary for Thursday...i'm wondering if BIL would come and collect his stuff for him......

oh and BTW...I've just put deadlock bolts on the doors....Grin with extra shiny teeth cos I was not supposed to be able to do "practical stuff"

Oh yes notsosmug...I'm also bonkers Grin.....not any more!!!!!!!!!!!!

foolonthehill · 23/10/2011 18:38

Going to retrieve DCs ...too late for big talk now...will save it for the morning then go and do something really nice.......

ThereGoesTheFear · 23/10/2011 19:18

Wow FOTH that's fantasticGrin!! I'm so glad you sound really positive about your decision, as well as having a plan for what his next gambit might be. And yay for you doing the "practical stuff"!

How brilliant that someone else witnessed it (smart move). If you're anything like me that validation from your friend will help you reassure yourself that reasoning with him was really impossible.

garlicBreathZombie · 23/10/2011 19:54

Sweep, ionysis has outed her/him/itself as a sado-masochist! Hope that explains things [hwink]

BibiBatsberg · 23/10/2011 21:07

Just caught up with the thread - standing ovation for you foolonthehill!!! This is the start - you're really doing it! You're on your way to peace and happiness and a life that's all your own!

Really well done - he threw so much at you today and you came through all of it.

Thinking of you and sending you the best wishes i can think conceive of top keep you strong and determined to get shot of him for good.

garlicBreathZombie · 23/10/2011 21:10

friend who was with me went...ok now I see what you mean about trying to hold a conversation with him is like grabbing hold of jelly ( this is H's friend for last 10 years!!!!) [hgrin]

That's just brilliant, FOTH. And extra congrats on the locks!! Keep putting tools in your workbox, ready for the next round. You're great :)