Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships 5

[ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow]

Welcome!

This is the latest instalment in a series of threads for those who are in abusive relationships, those who have left abusive relationships, and those gearing to leave.

Come vent, share, give and receive support.

The first question you may be asking yourself as a new visitor to this thread is:

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.

Because it's all so mindf.....g.

Just wanted to say hello to the newbies.
I've been lurking but not posting for a while because of 'events' with ex. But wanted to say that one thing this latest glitch has demonstrated is how far I've come since the beginning of the summer. I love the bill of rights. Will say that for me the right to change and grow (and say no) is what I feel is important right now. In fact, I will say I have the right not to know what is best, but to try to do the best given the circumstances at the time. I have the right to try and fail.
Think the eggshells makes you worry about the future as the fear that anything you say will be held against you at some point makes it impossible to say what you feel at any one time.
I was a coward, I was afraid but am over the guilt and regret at what I didn't dare say. And one great thing is that I have already booked for DCs to go to Christmas shows - some forward planning that I could have never have managed before - as I could never be certain what ex's mood would be. Now am feeling sanguine, am in a happier place where I can say what the hell to whatever tomorrow brings but also put some pointers for the future about things that I know will make both me and the DCs happy.
And to everyone new here, I never thought it would get better but it has. I also have the right to wobble any time in the future to [hsmile]

bejeezus - and make sure when you are out of your relationship that the pointless exchanges dont continue with texting or emailing - because they will, if you let them.

nothaunted - how long since you split from your ex? Have you gone through the realisation of how far he held you back in your life yet? I'm glad that you are coming on in 'leaps and bounds'.

Morning all.

Anyone read "Dumb Martian" by John Wyndham?

Wikipedia summarises it thus, but this summary is so wrong!

Dumb Martian tells of a Human and his Martian 'wife' out deep in space, far away from civilisation and the man's slow descent into brutality and madness.

My revision - though I don't know how to submit it yet - would be:

Dumb Martian tells of an abusive Human and his Martian wife (yes, they are properly married, that's an important part of the story) out deep in space, far away from civilisation, and the wife's self-empowerment and escape from his abuse.

Dears Bells
It's lovely the dawning of all the things you can do and the things you don't have to do. As a couple of my RL friends have said I am sounding like my old self again. Spent last night listening to music and pottering around happily. And I have new friends now too.

That's great. nothaunted. Happiness often comes from the small pleasures in life - feeling relaxed at home, enjoying music, pottering around, doing your own thing! I'm not as far on as you; how long have you been 'free'?

Lovely that you have made new friends too for your new life.

I'm no far on really - don't want to say it's easy. But on the whole am having more good days than bad. I have laughed, talked about things other than the headf* of what went on. But for all the months I lurked on MN and thought I could do something different, be something different, try not to annoy him, keep him sweet and didn't believe that I would ever get stronger I now know I can manage by myself and in fact trying to manage an unpredictable person who demanded yet didn't give - one of his phrases was if you don't ask nag me I will do anything. Very hard when you have two DCs and are trying to just keep the washing and toys at bay - and me being upset by the stonewalling and his almost gleeful lack of communication that although the grief has at times been overwhelming it is better on the other side. I am my own person again.

Very similar experience here. Couldn't tolerate stonewalling ever again. We have to build ourselves bit by bit.

Hello everyone, just been catching up buttons is it wrong that your post made me chuckle? Maybe as it reminded me of ex-twat.
I am still digesting what happened - I found a recording I'd made shortly before we split up which I started because I wanted to sit and listen to exactly what he said that was so objectionable.
You can hear me repeating his words just for the benefit of posterity! I noted that there was a lot of incomplete sentences and fuzzy logic. In this case it was that we should split up in order to be friends...and give our relationship a chance in the future .

But, it was ME who was instructed to work on the relationship in the interim
Most amusingly tho he repeats that he would rather be alone and if we dont work out that's what will happen.
Needless to say he has already ensnared some poor unsuspecting female. He was probably single for all of ooh, a month?

I suspect that he already had my replacement lined up, as he loathes being on his own.
I've gone through an utter loathing of seeing him, as I hate to be reminded of the power he had over me. Lately though I am trying to turn this around so that I can just remind myself of how far I've come.

nothaunted I also have more friends (and more fun!) now than I ever had before, at any point in my life.

I would not have believed that possible even a couple short months ago, when I was still in the depths of the depression that came from shocking realisations and life changes. Yet a better life has very quickly come from my split with stbxh, as everyone on MN foretold. It's not at all the life I imagined for myself (I wanted children, a cat, chickens and a family in bucolic surroundings, and instead I now have a dog and the footloose and fancy-free life of an urban singleton), but it's a good life.

The other side of the wall looks good...glad that so many are seeing progress, baby steps or giant leaps.......it all counts

I was a coward, I was afraid but am over the guilt and regret
I still am a coward, and still afraid, in the depths over what my children have had to see and put up with.(tho not as bad as so many of you have survived!)

Getting more tangled with everything wish he'd just break out again and do the stupid stuff he was doing over the summer.....anger really fired me up then and I almost kicked him into touch...the "better" bit of me healed the cracks again and I've never been so angry with myself in all my life!!

hey ho...onwards and upwards

Mo no, it was very funny, laugh away

It's like the Marie Celeste here, where is everyone? Are you all on a secret new thread? (paranoid emoticon)

I read this thread but I have no idea what to say.

Madam-of course, you were told YOU had to work on the relationship;it's down to the partner not them.And, I had a similar thing with my ex, he kept saying how he wanted to be 'alone', that he didn't 'need sex' etc, but after our split I found out he had been internet dating for a long time (they have to find a replacement-check out new stock).

And,I think that when you start working out their behaviour,when they come up with the same statements/phrases,you repeat them either - like you did for prosperity - or, out load to yourself when they say them because their words can get so ridiculous and,when you are more perceptive, alot of the stuff they say is stupid,immature,pathetic,twisted and they sound foolish (and you think - 'YOU PRAT'). [hgrin]

Keep posting, Sweep - on this thread and your own. To call the dawning realisation of abuse a shock is an understatement. As someone said, take it in a piece at a time and keep up your diary thread. It will fall into place, and knowledge will give you unimagined strength!

Thanks Garlic.

SGM has bumped the "Listen UP" thread - worth reading :)

...waiting for knowledge to produce strength...but I have a deadline....Thursday next week when H is back from abroad...BIG TALK...with deadline for removal of him from house and let the chips fall where they may......don't know whether to feel empowered, scared or miserable......[need to invent new emoticon]

hope there is someone out there..as buttons said, it feels like a gaping void of nothingness on here at the moment.

BTW Sweep so glad you are here as well as your thread....I am 6 weeks into realising that a 13 year old marriage is abusive and still wobbling away but the realisation that the children (many) are being badly affected is what is keeping me going at the moment...the rest of the time it feels like an out of body experience...no this is not happening to me...it's some other poor blighter.....! Hope that you find strength and wisdom beyond yourself to make good and healthy decisions about your situation....

may you all have a good wednesday......despite everything!

foot have you left him?

Not yet...he works away a lot and am just gearing up for the...get out of the house you're ruining our lives.... performance of a life time.

Feel strong when he is away, wobbly when he's here...if he's being "good"...I actually wish he would really lose the plot as he did over the summer...I got so angry that he had spoiled everything....but I didn't know then that he was EA..thought it was me and an anger management problem!!

I am fortunate that I have had great support from my church over the last few weeks...and although I have many qualms about what I am doing I know I can't let this go on as the children are being damaged...as am I.

We all deserve to be nurtured and cared for as well as doing the nurturing and caring...the good stuff that these men do does not make it ok to sideline our friendships, emotions, sense of self or decisions about fertility and childbearing...even if they canbe great--look like ok fathers when they want to. From what I see the chances of them changing whilst they are still in the house with us is slim, if they are willing to change and make the effort then they (and we) probably need to do it apart..then when some progress has been made we can look at it again, but to be honest not many of them bother....they just move on to the next round of abuse...but I've said before that as we can change...I would never say that they can't...if they can be bothered....

BTW sweep was it you with the money thing????? I've a terrible memory..but I remember your (excellent) name and seem to think you got some mixed messages about financial abuse and then some posters thinking he was just a stingy mixed up but normal person...was that you??

took me ages to find, but I posted this a while back.
Then buried everything again.
The couldn't log in under that namechange!

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1179585-Im-all-mixed-up-confused-dont-know-what-to-do