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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships 5

999 replies

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 26/09/2011 21:50

Welcome!

This is the latest instalment in a series of threads for those who are in abusive relationships, those who have left abusive relationships, and those gearing to leave.

Come vent, share, give and receive support.

The first question you may be asking yourself as a new visitor to this thread is:

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.

OP posts:
headnotheart · 16/10/2011 17:39

Herscareyness How could I say Do go on the trip please. He hardly leaves the house, has once or twice said he might pay a visit to his old home town, never does.

Annie just checking you're not getting me mixed up with bejeezus

My problem was and is how to leave with my money, I am not scared of poverty stricken Christmases, been there many times, due to my mental health and OH being, frankly, workshy. Truth to tell, I believe I have been financially abused by OH relying on money from my family to enable him not to work, with my mh as his excuse (even though I have twice succeeded in getting into work after being ill).

headnotheart · 16/10/2011 23:15

It's all gone quiet. Hope I haven't inadvertently offended anyone :(

HerScaryness · 16/10/2011 23:24

Nah, we are a hardy bunch! I think this is probably the LAST thread you'd find us getting upset with one another! We've all heard WAY worse!

To get space, you need to engineer some cash (didn't say it'd be easy did I? Grin) Then YOU go on a trip, and tell him he's not coming with you...

I'm being light and facetious naturally.... Grin

headnotheart · 16/10/2011 23:38

I've got cash, and I do go away on my own, or sometimes with others (but all my friends are poorer than I am). This year I went to Sardinia for a week with DM.

I want space in my own house. I want to be able to play music loud sometimes when I want to, or motivate myself by talking out loud, with nobody hearing me. I want to know my OH is out doing something worthwhile, whether that be a trip away, or work outside the house.

Our finances were and are supposedly joint (until I got ESA, this now goes into my own account). He won't talk about finances at all. Won't budge out of the house most of the time.

Enough, as they say, is enough.

Misspixietrix · 17/10/2011 00:00

there's a very interesting documentary on itv at the moment, "someone's daughter", it makes for good viewing but quite emotional :( Just echoing what Scary said Heart, I'm thinking up ways of how you can go on the trip on your own head, might get back with something materialistic first thing in the morning! :o Today visiting the DC's he moved my sewing stuff whilst 'nipping to the loo! blatant attempt to say "see told you there's something wrong with you!" Hmm Shame I didn't believe you twat x

Misspixietrix · 17/10/2011 00:08

With you on the finances hnh was speaking to someone today about how badly we handled finances, she asked how we divided it to which I said oh we would split it right down the middle I would do x y & z and he would do fuck all a b & c. She replied well that's wrong, you pay the bills & food shop first,any DC's clothes that need replacing THEN you split the remainder of that between you. It sounds so simple doesn't it? not simple for XT when he had social/business things to attend to! Confused

headnotheart · 17/10/2011 00:55

Sigh. We aren't short of money - not any more, not for the last 3 years. But we are short of income. We have lived off capital before, and put it into this big house, but it all comes from my family. This time when DF gave us some, I said categorically we are not living off it. I would be happy to use it to have nice luxuries or holidays, but not to use it to sit around playing endless games of Civilisation while not doing the housework - while I work p/t in a stressful job which gradually makes me more and more depressed till I have to go on the sick... (I didn't put it quite like that. In fact, he won't talk about it properly at all.)

We have always lived like paupers really and OH still does - never buys any clothes unless dragged to the shops and then will only do M & S, complained the other day he had nothing to read, but hasn't gone down the library or ordered off Amazon. Last big thing he bought was a Brennan 2 years ago. Last holiday together was 3 days in Glasgow last year, we had quite a nice time considering, but I had to twist his arm to get him to agree to go away (not literally Grin).

So you see I am not 'typical' - I know we're all unique, but I'm even uniquer!

headnotheart · 17/10/2011 00:58

Plus at our age (late 50s) retirement is not quite just around the corner, and neither of us has a private pension, though we should both get full state pension.

headnotheart · 17/10/2011 00:59

Sorry, to be fair, some of the money for this house came from MIL's estate.

Misspixietrix · 17/10/2011 01:52

yeh don't think my post came across clear, on the phone so limited resources Wink Re finances as a couple you HAVE to talk about the boring things like £. Why is it never brought up, are you scared of his reaction? one thing you learn from here is EA takes many different and the most subtlest of forms x so do you want him to go on holiday instead then? how about a "well you've worked so hard you deserve it" whilst having your fingers crossed behind your back! :o Keep strong hnh remember baby steps @ 1st

headnotheart · 17/10/2011 10:22

Thanks Misspixie but I'm beyond all that. I'm filing for divorce, so am mentally sorted and detached, however, am finding I still need to rant.

I have brought up the finances time and again, (there are other things too, like the housework, which he thinks is "trivial"!) For 3 years, and back and back for years before that. It is never the right time, or we go into the verbal abuse dance we know so well!

bejeezus · 17/10/2011 13:46

Annie loving your decsription of Christmas, felt all warm and festive, I could almost taste the mulled wine! I was really looking forward to teh trip (it isnt overseas) -dont get to see ds very often and we've done it before and it was great. Although that was before 'all this'. Scary - am seriously reconsidering it; ahhh...dd1 loves it when we all get together Sad

am feeling really sad about my mum today. But too angry to make a move to try and fix it Sad

headnotheart · 17/10/2011 15:59

bejeesus Yes, IME the more you do all those little things that don't cost money the nicer the Christmas. (Provided you're not like me and get all perfectionist over it).

Although come to think of it, Christmas 2 years ago was improved by getting Sky + - but the kids were more or less grown then. (Rant - of course OH was against getting Sky+, he seems happy enough that we've got it, though [hhmm]

Safest to leave things with your mum as they are for the time being, I would think.

bellsring · 17/10/2011 17:06

headnotheart - they just like to moan, I think.[hsmile]

headnotheart · 17/10/2011 17:33

bellsring no, he is a miser!

There, I've said it.

bellsring · 17/10/2011 17:46

You can add that to the list of all his other 'qualities'.

sweepitundertherug · 17/10/2011 17:49

It is becoming so apparent at what an EA my "D"h is.

For Christmas, I have to write down a spreadsheet. I have a budget each year but we have many people to buy for. 3 kids of our own. He has lots of siblings & neices/nephews. I have a sibling & nieces/nephews. Then there's our parents.

I hate it tbh. It makes me so stressed.

bigbuttons · 17/10/2011 19:05

sweepitOmg, I'd nearly forgotten about the spread sheet shit!! LO LOL. I didn't do it but he was pressing me to around christmas times.

I'm afraid I have been dancing round the house in glee this evening.

I have just witnessed my narc mother and narc twat be very irritated with each other. They are both going to watch ds1 in a play.

Twat likes to be not quite but practically late to everything he goes to. He can't abide wasting a second of his precious time by hanging about being early for something. Narc mother HATES lateness or near lateness with an absolute passion. Even the implication she might be late for something sends her frothing at the mouth ( unless she is meeting me, then it doesn't matterHmm)
So this evening he was leaving everything to the last minute and she is saying " I'm stressed, why is HE leaving this to the last minute? Why is HE doing this, why hasn't he done all this other stuff earlier? He hasn't got time now, we're going to be late"
I shrugged, " That's what he does"
So twat says "I'M stressed, you don't know how stressed I am" and so it went on.
20 mins before this there is a ring at the door, there's some kind of builder bloke for twat. Twat was asleep, he spends some of every day asleep. If he can't have his daily sleep he says he will implode and his legs will fall off. Anyway I digress. So I go up to his room. He is taking a shower. I shout in that there is a bloke there, waiting outside to see him.
He asks about bloke. I tell him what I know( not much). He then complains I haven't told him anything about bloke. So I say I just did, he then says ' alright then so don't tell me anything about the blokeConfused.
I go down stairs , get on with stuff, bloke is being entertained by my 5 year old. 5 minutes later twat still has not appeared. So I go up again.
"bloke is still waiting outside twat"
" What the hell do you expect me to do?"
"get out of the shower quicker and hurry up"Hmm
" I can't do this more quickly you bloody idiot"
Jesus how can he think it's normal to carry on having a shower when someone is waiting for you outside?
He is scarily deranged. Now he'll be taking his frustration out on my narc mother . Both of them are far too important to be spending a whole evening watching ds1 in a play,
Ha ha ha

as you were.....

headnotheart · 17/10/2011 19:07

sweep I love spreadsheets, but that's just me. I find Christmas extremely stressful though, love the day but hate the present buying. I know I am too perfectionist about it all, but in addition most presents have to be posted, which limits things, and then there's a whole thing with my brother that I have about equal value of nephew's presents with what they're giving my kids. One thing I will say for OH is that he says we should buy tokens for them and he gets the tokens. OTOH, I always had to buy for his mum - his dad was easy, a bottle of whiskey. OH and his brother had a no presents pact from when they were teenagers, DBIL has 4 kids but DBIL and DSIL are very laid back about presents and random stuff used to turn up in March, say, or June Grin

On the few occasions OH and I actually planned expenditure together, he wanted to start with the budget, and I wanted to list my ideal and work back from there.

Start on a large piece of lined A4, or my favourite, quadille ruled A4.

headnotheart · 17/10/2011 19:15

bigbuttons had a laugh at mine today, too.

Asked him this am to cancel the DD from joint a/c for his NI self-employed contributions, or I will do it. "Why?" he asks. "because my solicitor advised it" I say.

About 5.30 he says he's off to the shop. "Could you get some granary bread?" I ask. "Does your solicitor say that's all right?" he asks. There's some more talk, ending with "I don't want to pay half of your insurance when it's your business NI" from me. "You're happy enough to have the Working Tax Credit I get", says he.

No I'm not! I wanted someone who would go out to work and earn an honest living and we wouldn't have to claim WTC!

headnotheart · 17/10/2011 19:18

I didn't say that, though. I said, as I have said before, that we can notify WTC people that we have split up, although living under the same roof, and he can re-claim for himself alone if that's what he wants. He says he will talk to me about it when I'm in a better state.

bigbuttons · 17/10/2011 19:32

hnh ah yes that old chestnut, when you're in a better state. I know it well, from both narc mother and twat

headnotheart · 17/10/2011 19:53

quadrille not quadille BYW

bigbuttons loved the account of narc m and twat running their patterns on each other. Perhaps we shoud take notes and write a (very dark) sitcom.

bejeezus · 17/10/2011 20:06

buttons CRAZY MAKING!!!!!!!! I am SOOOooooOOOOOOooooo looking forward to not having to have those RIDICULOUS exchanges anymore. Thing is as well, when you know your specific twat, you know EXACTLY which situations are going to trigger such awkward/timewasting/fecking irritating responses dont you? It makes my teeth itch

bigbuttons · 17/10/2011 20:41

God you know, it's only when you stand on the outside watching that you see things a bit more clearly. There's always that tiny part of you that thinks" perhaps I am really making this all up.
I saw a therapist for the first time last week. i felt a bit sorry for her because I talked solidly for an hour, she hardly got a word in edgeways. I was talking about narc mother, didn't mention twat at all. After describing a couple of incidents from y childhood she made noises that what happened was not good.
"really" I asked " so it's not just me then, that really wasn't nice to do to a child was it"
" no, it wasn't" she said
See I know but I NEED someone to tell me so, why is that?