Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships 5

[ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow]

Welcome!

This is the latest instalment in a series of threads for those who are in abusive relationships, those who have left abusive relationships, and those gearing to leave.

Come vent, share, give and receive support.

The first question you may be asking yourself as a new visitor to this thread is:

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.

beejeezeus-I had a different version of the argumentative scenrio;I was excluded from activities instead.

'scenario'.

bejeezus I saw a solicitor 2 years ago and told OH and my family (OH's parents are dead so thankfully didn't have to tell them). My dad went mental and we had a fight about it. Even though I'd said we'd been living off the money he, DF, had given us and OH hadn't been contributing - actually DF may not even have heard this.

I was so hoping for support from DF (then 89) and that he would think my happiness came into it. DM understood, but he couldn't. (Cue long back story which I understand and have come to terms with but will omit!)

DF's concern was all for DD, then 18, and was one factor why I did not proceed and decided to try again. DF apparently rang DM (they live apart, she couln't bear his Aspergers) in floods of tears.

So this time I'm not telling my parents till it's done.

solicitor 2 years ago re divorce, in case it wasn't clear

the money he, DF, had given us plus, in the last 3 years, My wages from My p/t job

Hard not to drip feed at the age of 59 - there's so much!

bells yes, i feel the exclusion from activities coming on next- she has as much as said if HE isnt invited for xmas then im not welcome! Ha! i think she thinks ill give in to her. but she hasnt counted on me being really ANGRY with her this time - id much rather have xmas on our own anyhow. If i am forced to endure HIM, id rather it was just him and not her as well. Im really worried about the rift it could possible cause between my mum and dad though- he supports me and is as confused as i am by her reaction. its well weird.
head sorry to hear your dad isnt being supportive either - could his aspergers account for his attitude? i hope you have the strength to go through with it this time. my mums attitude did surface when we were close to seperating 4 years ago..and it did cause me not to go through with it...so i feel ya.

Leo no, my mum hasnt been abused. she has only ever been with my dad. Ive thought about their relationship a lot recently-trying to figure out WHY I ended up where I have. But my dad is great! Their relationship was very traditional in that he worked a lot and she was a SAHM for a lot of our childhood. So she did all the cooking and housework..BUT if it wasnt done my dad never complained in any way and did it himslef, and he often cooked when he wasnt working. He supported my mms decision to work part time when we were all at schhol. He did work away alot during the week and play sport on Saturdays so he was absent alot but he spent time with us on sundays and when he wasnt away and for family holidays. He supported us financially, emotionally and practically- always doing dIY etc they were affectionate etc.

My mum has often drawn comparisons between my marriage and hers - saying stuff like-'yes well X looks after your kids more than your dad ever did you 3' and saying that she always did the housework etc. Half of it is just not true! she just refuses to see that I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR EVERYTHING with no emotional support and constant criticism

could she just be misinterpreting her/ my relationships?/???????

the conversation/arguement we had was triggered by a horrible incident in which me and my dd were physically/ verbally attacked by a crazy lady in a shop....i was telling her about it and saying maybe I should have called the police as crazy lady may need to be sectioned and maybe to demonstarte to dd (who had been frightened out of her wits) that the crazy lady was being told off etc etc. My dm got on her high horse about not making mountains out of molehills (fair enuf regarding calling the police maybe) but went further and said that we should have just apologised to crazy lady (who had accused my dd of kicking her!) and walked away!!! Stunned- apologise!?>!??!?!?! It hit me then that she has always downplayed our feelings/emotions...as a child we all had to 'just play together nicely' no matter what injustice we had been dealt. Always we werent to make a fuss. I wonder if this part of her parenting conditioned me in part to end up where I have??????

is that about boundaries??? ive never consciously thought about 'boundaries' until i started reading mumsnet - thanks mumsnet ladies!

how do you decide whether your boundaries are set at a healthy place? how do you make sure you dont over compensate when you correct them?

wibble wibble

bejeezus, I fear your mum may be falling into the group that equates domestic abuse with low class. That it'll reflect badly on HER if you admit to an abusive relationship.

She doesn't want you to rock HER boat, so get back into yours, BE the marrieds with 2.4 kids and it'll make her look good.

You split from your H and she'll think she's failed.

Tell her you are going away for Christmas, and book yourself and your DC a week in Spain or somewhere.

She's reverse bullying you!

when you first come out of an abusive relationship, the first thing you learn to do is say NO. It's a word you've never had the right to use before, and it shocks people to their very core when you say, No, that's not suitable for me, it's not going to work.

Sure, to begin with, you may overcompensate, but it soon settles down. Meanwhile you educate those with no boundaries that they are not allowed to ride rough shod all over you whenever it suits them.

thanks scary do you know what, I think you might be right. I would never have thought that of her - she is from a big working class family/back ground, BUT my dad (through working very hard) gave them/us 'better' than that - i.e. holidays, more disposable income, support at uni etc etc...and she has, on only a handful of occasions displayed quite a snobby attitude. Bonkers. i find it really hard to believe. do people really value there reputations over their childrens happiness???????

how are you this lovely warm sunday?

wish we could afford a week in Spain

sposed to be going away with my mum and dad and sister, bil and their kids....

bejeezus you're not wrong, it is his Aspergers. He is the kindest man imaginable, but has so often hurt me while he was trying to do his best. E.g. we were on Income Support, DF was investing in a franchise that DB was running and DB was paying himself £25K as boss, basically from this investment, DF visited before Christmas and left our present, saying to open it before the day. I did so and it was a fucking 3lb Xmas pudding from M&S. Now our 2 kids were little, it was only going to be me and OH eating pudding, WTF? The pud cost £8, I tried to return it but couldn't, cos was food, an £8 voucher would have been better! Ranted to my mum but said nothing to DF as he would have been hurt. Didn't use the pud, put it out for the birds the next year.

About going out - problem is OH doesn't go out with me - he never has, unless I do the arranging, I arranged the one Valentines meal we have ever had. My problem was always how to set boundaries when the problem was him NOT doing things (housework, looking for work, taking me out sometimes etc)

ha...so right again...i have found myself saying 'No' recently for self-preservation reasons; with all the disruption and emotional upheaval I have felt less capable of taking on other peoples 'things' e.g. helping people out with childcare etc. I would have definitely done it before Or if I really couldnt, I would have felt awful about not being able to help...

Its SOOOoooooo liberating isnt it?

forgot to say... and doesn't go out himself (until recently, and usually when he has been invited)

yes head maybe thats why boundaries get so messed up...you cant force THEM to respect your boundaies can you? I raged alot about STBXH not doing his fair share/ not coming out with me/us. I got so fucking sick of arranging and paying for ALL the days out/ holidays and them him not coming or moaning and complaining and sulking the whole time. Worra wanka

you can't force anyone to respect your boundaries, but that is where the new word NO comes in. Say it often enough, they kick off then the fuck off... job done!

Don't go on the trip, please? Try to do something just you and the DC? Stay at home, but perhaps go OUT for lunch all together.

The nicest Christmases IMO are the ones where, over the course of a week or so, you and your DC decorate your own house and tree; share the cooking (even quite small children can decorate cookies or something, while the larger ones can be Turkey Chef or Pudding Supremo or Parsnip Peeler... just so everyone can say they've contributed); go round the shops together in the crisp cold air, taking in a store Santa if they're in that age bracket, or a mince pie and a glass of port in an appropriate hostelry if they're young adults; drop in on friends or relatives for a hi and a quick present exchange; join in some carol singing if that is your bag; and finally pulling up the drawbridge and watching what you want to on telly or any DVDs you had as presents, feet up, warm, well fed and (hopefully!) good-humoured.

You can vary the above with church, helping out at a soup kitchen or whatever particularly means Christmas to you, but make it around yourself and DCs and all should be pretty much ace. God Bless Us Every One, and all that jazz.

Overseas trips with a bunch of the nearest and not-always dearest don't get a look in. (Unless that's what you really enjoy doing.)

Yebbut - what can you do if they don't do something?

If he yells at you, you can walk away.

If he doesn't do his share of the housework you can:
talk about it and come to an agreement (I did this at least twice, he just didn't abide by the agreement)
nag which lowers your self esteem, and anyway they say yes, they'll do it and then don't
not do it - I have tried this, he seems happy to live in his own mess.

ATM I am happily ensconced in the master bedroom and en suite. I am not doing any housework outside these rooms except for clearing up after myself in the kitchen, and sometimes cleaning the downstairs loo. Luckily the kids have their own floor, with its own bathroom, so I've left that to them for some time.

I'll do the rest of the housework sometime. Either when he moves out or when we prepare the house to be sold.

Or, in the time-honoured Relationships Board spirit, you can

LEAVE THE FECKER

This course of action has quite a lot to recommend it.

Annie not so easy when your finances consist of little income (I was working p/t for £900 a month, am now on ESA; he was bringing in Nothing), plus shared equity in a house, and a shared portfolio. Plus the kids think he's wonderful and you're a nutter

Kids are grown, BTW, we have a little income from them as they pay rent. DD is planning to live with OH as he is "more reliable." Which he is in terms of always being there, and cooking meals. Not so great as a bread-winner, helpmate and partner, but there you go.

OH started threatening to leave about 3 years ago, when I asked him what his plan was for doing this, he didn't have one. At the time, I didn't want him to go, still thought we could work it out, but it put the idea of living apart into my head and guess what? It didn't seem such a bad one .

As ever, something to add to my previous post.
Kids are both working, thank God.

He was bringing in Nothing unless you count claiming WTC and CTC; now only WTC. He is self-employed (so-called).

OK, so no expensive decorations, store Santas or DVDs! But you can make decorations out of pretty much anything, carol singing is free, and you don't have to have an expensive feast, just a frozen economy turkey and snippets of things you have lying around anyway, home-made mince pies etc. A couple of strings of tinsel from down the market and a can of silver spray paint can make a magic tree out of a handful of fallen twigs, and my mother once made a fairy castle out of old kitchen and toilet rolls! No money for heating? Throw a duvet over the sofa (or a mattress on the floor if it's that tight^ and all snuggle together and tell ghost stories. It's the doing it together that makes it special.

I spent about a fiver on my first Christmas in this house, as I'd lost my job just after taking on a mortgage and the future looked a bit uncertain to say the least. It was my Christmas in my house so it was good anyway.

Also, it's funny you should say it was him threatening to leave that gave you the idea. Mine was pretty similar. In fact he rang up his sister and told her we were getting divorced, with all sorts of details about how it would work that had never occurred to me. But since he mentioned it, it sounded pretty good. Of course it turned out he didn't mean a word of it. Talk about shooting yourself in the foot...!