Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships 5

[ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow]

Welcome!

This is the latest instalment in a series of threads for those who are in abusive relationships, those who have left abusive relationships, and those gearing to leave.

Come vent, share, give and receive support.

The first question you may be asking yourself as a new visitor to this thread is:

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.

never hate you your the mother of my children, I said well if you respect that you should have tried harder to respect me! not sure if that was the right thing to say but hey ho. We're meeting tomorrow to discuss finances which is bringing on a migraine just thinking about it cuts chocolate cheesecake and offers it round. Hope you all have had a good day in whichever bit of the cycle you are in x

Just curious? How long before those of you who have split from your EA relationships, did you feel able to start dating again? (I realise this very much depends on the individual, of course).

NO idea bellsring.... nowhere near it myself.... hard to even speak to the species that is the Adult Male....

Meanwhile... have you seen the Bill of Right thread?

Here it is

Better make some room on the fridge ladies, this needs to go up for all to see!

Thanks for linking the thread Scary

It's so important for us all to realise what our rights are and be able to set boundaries within our relationships with friends and family as well as men.

bellsring I've been spearated for 6 months and I can't begin to imagine being ready. My advisor/counsellor has has a minimum of 1 year. One of the ladies in my pattern changing group met her new partner while she was in the process of divorcing her frighteningly abusive H. Unsurprisingly the new partner then turned out to be abusive. She wasn't ready and hadn't given herself nearly enough time to learn about who she was as an individual.

I had the weirdest nights sleep last night and it has left me really disturbed. I was having a really vivid dream where a friend of mine (whos attached), male-not the one I previously discussed but just a really nice guy that I don't (or don't think) I particularly fancy or anything.
It involved this guy friend approaching me one day and asking me out. I was aware in the dream that I was still stuck with dickhead but the request from the friend appeared to be a friendly one (shoulder to lean on) more so than a I-want-to-get-you-into-bed request. So in the dream we went to this night out and got on famously. There seemed to be some mild flirting going on.He had to go home early due to work commitments the following day and in the dream I got really really upset about it. I cried. I woke up crying and I was shaking cold, sweating.I was exhausted..
I fell back asleep into a continuation of same dream which I didn't think was possible. In the second part of the dream,I was back in my parents house,living there, and guyfriend had texted me to say he wanted to call over to talk to me. In the meantime, guyfriends girlfriend turned up to tell me that their relationship was over because he was in love with me but she didn't blame me and their relationship had run its course.She told me how I was lucky because he was the type of guy that will just come to see you just to be with you and spend time sitting with you watching tv. Talking. Being there for you. She was clearly upset to have lost him but loved him too much to let him be unhappy with her (which was really weird to me)

Next thing, dickhead shows up in the yard of my parents house and I hid. My Dad sneaked me out the front door to avoid him and brought me to meet up with guy friend who only wanted to hug and cuddle me and tell me everything would be fine. In the dream he told me I was beautiful and perfect and made me cry. In the dream I felt like he was a drug to me that I didn't want to be without. There was nothing sexual in the dream at all. It was all pure affection, understanding and as if this guy was genuinely in love with me.

I woke up again, with Dickhead in the room telling me I needed to get up to go to get older DD from school. Now, I was literally shaking , in a cold sweat and finding it hard to wake properly. I said to him that I wasn't well and he started giving out. I told him to leave me alone and I heard my voice come out sounding so desperate and depressed. He walked out muttering. I drifted off again, desperate to dream about what I'd be dreaming about previously.

There was the dream again. This time I appeared to be free of dickhead, being held close by guyfriend while we just spent time together. He was nuzzling into my hair and the cuddle was so secure and I felt so safe.

I eventually woke up again. Dickhead was back with a cup of tea to get me out of bed. I feel so depressed now. The dream is everything Im missing out on, everything I crave and cannot have. I'm cold shaky and depressed and he only cares about getting to go back to bed because I spent the morning in there (due to my illness)
I feel so sad now. I just want to be loved and respected and my brain seems to be screaming at me so if the above is anything to go by.

I know I obviously don't want to steal guyfriend from his girlfriend or anything bizarre like that but I realise that he embodies what I long for.
Its like when I have a sex dream (rare believe me) it always has the other guy (one I was accused of cheating with) in it. The guy that tells me I'm beautiful and that dickhead needs a good hiding for treating me so bad.

Help my head!

P.s forgot to add. Guyfriend is actually calling to the house today thats going to be awkward!!

A therapist told me it's a good idea to cast yourself in every role of dreams that trouble you. Apparently there's a school of thought that all the people (and even places) in your dreams represent different aspects of yourself.

I've often found this to be useful.

I've just this minute printed off the rights list and I'm going to stick it on my fridge tonight.

Whenever I've considered doing something like that before I always told myself to 'stop being such a self obsessed wanker' but I'm actually going to it this time and not care who sees it!!

That's big progress for me [hsmile]

Legs - "but I realise that he embodies what I long for" - I think you hit the nail on the head there and your mind is showing you what is possible.

Doesn't mean you're going to run off with anyone - I've had a few dreams like that myself lately and after the embarrassment has died down I always feel like something important has been made clear to me, like a pointer of what my heart would really need if it were to embrace another adult into my life.

Waffling now, hope you know what I mean.

YAY, Bibi, re the Bill of Rights! [hsmile]

You have the right to be angry and protest if you are treated unfairly. Is this why I am so angry now? Because I wasn't allowed to/or it was ignored in my ex-relationship? Or is it because I'm so angry at the time I wasted on a lost cause. Or the injustice of it all? All those reasons, I think.

Bells the anger is an interesting one. We were discussing it at this week's pattern changing session.

It's important to see anger as a positive emotion and that we use it wisely. Some of the greatest achievements in history have come from anger (e.g. votes for women). We're angry for lots of reasons; at our exes, at ourselves, at injustice. I'm trying really hard to focus my energies on the present/future and not to dwell on the past. I can't change it but I can learn from it.

tinybuddha.com/blog/40-ways-to-let-go-and-feel-less-pain/

Hi all, back again. Yeah, anger. Silly ex been trying to intimidate me at work ..oops. Slight wobble but anger at total twuntery actual makes me want to post again.
There was some brief moment when I thought a grown man existed, but it's just an overgrown toddler and one who thinks he is trying to play big boy games. A few hours wasted that I won't get back again. Ho hum. Hope everyone else having a better time [hsmile]

Break - sounds perfectly normal - I remember that feeling of desperately wanting to stay in the dream. Whenever i was unhappy my dreams would try and provide some respite - a way to get some endorphins I guess. It would fortify me for the day. I called them "comfort dreams". Could you look at it like that?
As an aside, when I was in a relationship that was practically sexless I would regularly have dreams about going up to strangers and having sex with them - I was a total hussy!
I think it says a lot about your inner strength that this is how you cope - dreams are a very healthy way of dealing with your troubles. That sounds a bit "woo" I know, but i firmly believe that dreams are like an outlet for the bad stuff and we'd be much worse off without them.

nothaunted - have you got rid of that irritating insect then? It's always good when the annoying whine goes away.

sorry to interrupt again, came over earlier to see the DC's then informed me he's given the hostel place up as they wanted too much rent of him I'm now wicked witch of the west again after repeatedly telling him he can't stay here, he actually thought we could make up, I knew there was a reason to him being nice :( I have an appointment with a housing advisor on Tues where I can speak in private & complain against the 1 the other day! Just when I thought things were going to be ok [hconfused]

Just printed off the Bill of Rights for the fridge. And also the booking confirmation for a romantic weekend away with the Very Nice Man! [hwink]

bellsring I started chatting online six months after I left my H. I met one guy after nine months but he was a Red Flag Man and MN kept me safe. Then I met the VNM last month ( a year on) and he is just delightful, no red flags just the odd chintzy one!

I think I am much calmer, less anxious and angry and able to relax and be me more now than I was a year ago. Although I do panic every now and then about whether I can actually manage a normal healthy relationship.

Pixie things are going to be okay, you don't have to back down or give him a chance. You have stated your decision and he has to take responsibility for himself.

I downloaded the Bill of Rights and the tinybudda link. Both great thankyou.
Going to print them out.
Think I might make a folder and start writing a journal now. Do you think this is a good help?
Might make my vivid dreams stop. Had more of them last night. . I was "saved" by a prince charming last night in one of my dreams and quite enjoying that one. In another one DH had actually turned into mister nice guy but in my heart I knew this was wrong and the fact he was cuddling me and all that melted away to the fact he was still only after one thing all the time. Speaks volumes.
I woke up several times. He had had two bottles of wine and was in the bed tossing and turning and retching out the side of it at one point I was half awake thinking "If he bloody vomits I will lose the plot" Absolute immature asshole.
I rarely drink anymore it gives me terrible hangover and I don't like being around him with drink on me as I speak my mind and then he has drink on him and gets abusive. Mind you, i don't speak my mind even if I'm not drinking and he is because him+drink = double the abuse than normal.
And he's STILL not getting the "no I don't want sex with you" business. Even though I am BLATANTLY obvious to the point of "no i dont" He keeps coming up to me and trying to push his bits against me going "does that make you horny" or just "can we have a smooch tonight" or "but I really need to release the tension" He puts so much pressure on me knowing its something I DON'T WANT with him, I hate to say it but given what happened to his teenage daughter, its a bit hypocritical of him.

I am so f-ing tired of saying straight out that I'm nothing but a hole to place his cock. I am so tired of not being HEARD. I am so bloody sick of trying to remain civil because there are children in the house and he acts like a bratty teenager when he doesn't get his own way.

Rant over.

Breaklegs - When does he keep asking for sex? Is it mostly when he has been drinking?

I think it becomes a challenge to have sex with you. Nagging and demanding until he gets his own way. If it's mostly when he is drunk, you may well find him repulsive. It's not flattering having someone drunk keep pestering you for sex. And, when not drunk, it's hurtful because there's not the decent communication or behaviour before the wanting sex. It is like you are a piece of equipment.

Just wanted to echo what bellsring has said to you break remember you have a right to say No, can you not use an excuse? for example mine would not come near me with a bargepole if it was AF week, maybe you could mysteriously happen to have an extra long one? and it would give you some respite :o Keep Strong Break you WILL get through this still laying down the law with this XT (x-twat), question should I be helping him in his new flat search or leaving it for his support workers etc to help him?

XH monitored my periods. During the ghastly time we were separated under the same roof he suggested my unreasonable decision to leave him was probably due to the change of life, since he had observed I had not been having periods recently. Number 638 in a series of "wtf?" moments...

When we were still together he used to call it my "convenient time", ie the time I had an excuse to avoid him. I used to put it down in my diary as CT

Mine didn't drive - I did all the driving, which was good in a way as we could only afford one car therefore I had some freedom. So when DS came along, 23 years ago, each morning I would strap him in his carrycot in the back of the car , then take OH to work, then come back home, same at the end of the day.

That was back in the day, when OH had a job. He has more or less been living off me for the past 18 years.

It took me being in hospital with mh issues for him to learn to drive - his mum paid for the driving lessons - he was 41 at the time.

PS no-one got anything to say re thread I started? - will post more when I can but also need to keep powder dry for financial settlement negotiation.

A lurker no more... have decided to join fray. Have told my abusive P that enough is finally enough, that there is no part of me left with enough energy or inclination to give it another go. That was about 4 weeks ago.

Since then I have moved myself into the spare room. I told DS that I needed to get some sleep as I wasn't sleeping well with daddy. She said she totally understands "because he snores and farts a lot doesn't he?" - bless her! I'd thought it would be so hard explaining that bit it away without upsetting her and her brother. If only the rest of it could be so easy.

I've also got some legal advice, told all my closest friends and told my family. Phew. Feels like I'm on the road to somewhere better already.

He is in the whole hearts and flowers stage. Has gone to docs and got himself some counselling for anger, is buying self-help books and is being the most attentive and understanding DP you could ask for. Whilst categorically digging his heels in and saying he's not going to leave the house, I want out so I have to go. Oh, and the dc's main home should be here with him - and that me saying I'd take them with me and we'd then have to discuss access is me blackmailing him.

The general legal advice I was given (by someone I know who is a family lawyer, not my actual solicitor) was - first get a solicitor - then give him a set time limit (don't have to tell him I've set a time limit) to come round to discussing it reasonably. Be very, very, very consistent and clear about what I want. If he doesn't engage reasonably I instruct solicitor to communicate with him. If that doesn't work, go to court. I should get legal aid. I should get ruling in my favour as am primary carer, mother etc.

It makes it sound so easy, I'm sure it won't be though.

headnoheart - I also used to drive him to work first thing with a tiny baby and a toddler in the car, so exhausted I have no idea how I managed it. One thing among so many others which beggar belief as I look back.

I have so much anger. Today I found our family calendar from a couple of years ago and as I looked at each month and the day-to-day mundane events recorded on it I could feel the upset and unresolved anger in me relating to the arguments and hostilities that were happening at the same time. A note of mine on one day said "CanIHaveAStickerPlease out with friend" and I remember that was the night he broke our bed because he was so angry that my plans didn't fit in with what he wanted me to do that night. Another day a night out in London is written in - that was the night he was so angry because I was worried about something and wasn't focussing on having a good time with him - he walked off leaving me to get to the venue myself. I could go on... and on...

And yet he always acts as though is is the most reasonable and reasoned guy you could ever wish to meet. Sure, he gets cross sometimes but then compared to me and how I overreact to everything... well I obviously push his buttons don't I?

Don't worry, I don't actually believe that - not any more.

One thing that has helped me get the strength to follow through this time was a link a friend sent me to Steve Jobs' speech at Stanford University. It was powerful stuff - relevant and inspiring.

Here's a quote:

Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma ? which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And, most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.

How long did it take any of you to leave once you realised you were with an EA?
What about any children you had? What did you tell them?

Thank you.