Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships 5

[ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow]

Welcome!

This is the latest instalment in a series of threads for those who are in abusive relationships, those who have left abusive relationships, and those gearing to leave.

Come vent, share, give and receive support.

The first question you may be asking yourself as a new visitor to this thread is:

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.

thanks Pumpkin & Bellsring, I think I wanted to know as what he is now is the shadow of a man I first met. So was thinking surely they're not all 'picking on us' per se but they probably are < excuse my babble. hit me hard earlier when he said you was the first woman I actually ever fell in love with, those words fell in love I can't recall him saying that before? I'll heed your advice and save the headspace for me. He always moaned about my knitting things, I happily got some more today! :o

Yay for moments of rebellious freedom, Pixie!

...so he's using emotional blackmail, now , saying sweet nothings he couldn't be bothered to say before, because he wants you to feel guilty and remorseful? Twat.

ItsMe - I have a solution to the communication problem and I quote "Why don't you learn to be a good wife and just shut up".

And, it was ALL my responsibility to make my marriage work. It was all down to me, what I had to do. He didn't have to do anything apparently.

There was that fellow, wasn't there, who commented over several pages on Amazon that Lundy did nothing for him, an abuser who wanted to stop, because the book didn't answer the title question. My thoughts were that it was a pathetic justification for continuing to abuse. If only some wise author would tell him, the reader, exactly why he was doing what he was doing, suddenly he would see the light and be able to stop. Er, excuse me, CRAP. It denies all responsibility for his own actions. Was that man really incapable of asking himself what he got out of abusing? Don't believe it. The book tells him a whole lot about how much women don't want to be abused, the behaviour that just won't do, and how an abuser can learn to stop. None of this was good enough for our amateur reviewer. He wanted The Reason. The magic bullet. And that pretty much explained why he was an abuser, with an attitude like that.

I actually thought the book did answer the question, though more implicitly than explicitly. He states it is about power, control, and entitlement. Take the parable about the boy who was told he owned the park, for example. Basically the abuser has been brought up all his life to believe that he will have a woman to serve his needs because that's what they're for, and then gets such a nasty shock when it turns out not to be true that he may never adjust. He needs to let go of the belief that he is entitled to behave that way - accept the fact that he does not own the piece of land after all, or the woman. And that's hard.

Lundy doesn't seem to buy the theory that abusers are insecure (and George Simon in "In Sheep's Clothing" categorically rejects it). I don't know if this is always true. I suspect, for example, that a lot of it was about insecurity in XH's case and probably also in my dad's. So I don't 100% agree with the answers, but I do think they were there.

Had the book come out more clearly with "this is why", you can bet yon abuser fellow would have just said "well that's not why I do it, so the book is a load of twaddle and I'll just have to carry on acting abusively, that's all. Oh why will nobody help me?".

That's right, Annie, they will always have an answer. The enlightening moment can be when you stand back, listen to what is said, and realise - hold on, that's BULLSHIT. And then, there become more and more moments when you hear what your partner says, and you think 'he's talking bullshit'.

MissPixie - what about thinking - So, this is how you treat the first woman you fell in love with. Nice'.

I'm currently devouring the 'daughters of narcisstic mothers' website. Thought I'd seen it mentioned here but think it was on the narc mother christening site.

BUT - dear god, the recognition! Finally some insight, an explanation even into why I've always been such a good scapegoat, taker-on of others emotions/responsibilites and blame while discounting my own feelings!

I shouldn't wonder if quite a few of us on here wouldn't benefit from a read of that site as well?

And as I was pottering about digesting my new-found knowledge I was thinking that that's a major reason to be on our own for as long as it takes after an abuse relationship - there just isn't the time or head/emotional space to come to these kinds of realisations when there's a giant 'man-baby' constantly demanding you pour all of yourself into his needs/wants/demands into him.

Mowing across all of today's posts I know - hope you're all doing ok or better!

Hi Bibi. It sounds like you would probably find a wander on the Stately Homes thread useful to you at this stage.

By the way, last month on the Stately Homes thread, I posted this link, which made me think of you. Maybe it will help you? It broadens the "scapegoat/golden child" dichotomy to several more childhood roles in dysfunctional families, and I thought I recognised you in one of them. Up to you to see if I'm completely off base!

Crikey, think my head will explode soon with all the info but thanks very much Pumpkin!

Think I will give stately homes another try, when I've popped in before it always felt far too self-indulgent (for me personally) to still be talking about that stuff but reckon that was just avoidance in action.

Slap on the back for all of us for all the work we're willing and able to do on ourselves as opposed to the cowards who are/have attached themselves to us - their denial, their loss!!

Hear hear to that, Bibi!

been reading some of the links again at the front just to re-iterate my own POV, rang again saying he wanted to see DC's after work, said no they were tired from last night and you've already seen them today, we'll talk about seeing them again tomorrow. I'm too tired tonight to even do my much missed knitting! lol Night all of you (& the lurkers) thinking of you x

Go Pixie! Loving your assertiveness!
I have not heard from ex-twat for ten days. I knew he was going to be away for a week but this is taking the piss re DD. No doubt I will get a text in a day or two asking to see her, but am seriously considering telling him to formalise contact through a solicitor. If he never contacted me again that would be fine, DD is only 3 but I daren't leave it any later. I don't know what to do...DD is accustomed to sporadic contact and I couldn't care less if I never saw him again.

MadameO - that must be really annoying/frustrating for you having regarding ongoing uncertainty regarding sporadic contact for your DD. The bonding process with a parent at the age of 3 is significant (ok, at any age). I have experience of a child this age (bit younger) not having the time required with the absent parent to bond, and it had significant effects on the quality of the relationship in the future.

Maybe formalising contact through a solicitor would be the way to go in your case. My ex has been seeing our dc regularly, so far. I loathe having to carry on having contact with him (because of the dc), and, I wish I never had to talk to him (we do not talk verbally - communication is via email/texts), and have nothing to do with him ever again.

MWooo Poor you & Dd, When he next bothers to contact I'd say to him look we need to set clear dates & times as to when you are seeing her if you're not prepared to then I'll have to bring it up with the Solicitor. I'm very at the minute with everything, he couldn't have gave a toss before, I was left with plans for DC's etc and sorted it all out myself, he'd disappear at the drop of a hat for hours on end but now he's making the effort to come and see them everyday, and what was with him ringing

me half an hour ago to tell me he's got an anger management assessment at 11:30, is that to try and convince me he wants to make an effort to prove to me or is it all part of the whole 'conniving' plan? sorry for the zillion questions, I'm hopefully going to see my BF later, hoping she'll give me the good shake I need! [hgrin] x

air of scepticism needed at all times with these idiots Pixie!

If he were doing it for himself, he'd not need to validate it with you prior would he? When he has done it, all by himself and THEN come and told you about how he feels now, what he now thinks and a FULL recognition of his behaviour THEN you start to listen to him.

Would anger management make any difference anyway, Pixie? My H could give courses on anger management; he never once lost his temper with a man, has never been in a fight in his life, can grin and bear it with his bosses etc. He has the control to hold onto his anger until we're behind closed doors, with no witnesses.

TGTF, probably won't make any difference, but I'm in a generous mood, so I'll not poo-poo it.... [hgrin]

I'm not sure it would he also mentioned the perpetrator programme the other day didn't he? which is why I was I miss him in fact I'm not sure if I miss him or the familiarity of him being but it's very hard to hear someone say 'I don't want to stay here and have to be strong enough to say but you have to to them'. I just need to keep my Dc's in mind and that remember they have witnessed no mummy and daddy bitching for 4whole days :o x

Of course you're missing something now, Pixie. You miss familiarity. You miss the man he was when he was being sweet and charming. You miss what should have been, what could have been, and what you'd hoped for in your relationship. It's ok to mourn all that: it is a loss. Although what you've lost is something that never existed in reality.

Oh the irony!!! pixie he doesn't need anger management, far from it. He manages his 'anger' perfectly.
He choses when to be revolting and he choses to be revolting to YOU. OR is he revolting to everyone, regardless? I bet not but if that's the case then maybe he does need anger management classes

I once watched my ex talking to a neighbour. His face took on the Mr. Friendly, Polite, Interested, Nice, pleasant look. I hardly recognised him (he looked like he did when I met him). I watched the expression flip immediately he left the neighbour and started heading towards the house - it became Mr. Angry.

lol Scary at being in a generous mood! :) Pumpkin great link. My BF was good for me earlier, she knows everything & I'll always be grateful for having such a great friend in my life. Bb it did make me laugh the other day when his Boss rang, in front of them he shouted down the phone to me "I'm not fucking angry!!" :o I'm still getting a lot of x y and z is all your fault, I've started to respond with "well if that's how you feel fine" :) He told me a few weeks ago that he hated me :( today he said I could