Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships 5

[ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow]

Welcome!

This is the latest instalment in a series of threads for those who are in abusive relationships, those who have left abusive relationships, and those gearing to leave.

Come vent, share, give and receive support.

The first question you may be asking yourself as a new visitor to this thread is:

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.

Not sure how homeless shelter got the number, either through him or the place he first went to, housing assistance, someone from there rang me first to ask if I would take him back and hence once I said no he'd be confirmed as 'homeless', funny how went I went into a housing office I got looked down upon & asked why I needed to tell them/speak to someone in order to move! and got sent away no for WA despite me telling them already contact, no wonder some people give up before they've even moved out! :(

pixie i am holding my breath here, just urging you on. sorry am on crappy device or would post more, but must get some sleep.
wishing you all love and strength.

Just to say your post struck a chord here retool
All the best to you as you think about those decisions nothaunted was wisely talking about.

Hope things going OK with you MissPixieTrix ?

hello, sorry i've not been in for a while. had our first actual talking mediation session. it was horrible, a repeat of many arguements but with a witness and backup for him. many subtle digs, a complete twisting of reality and huge list of things I've done wrong, reasons I'm out to get him. the mediator told me i wound him up by reducing the time the (2&4 yo) children were away from 50% to 2 days per week and that we were not a high conflict couple. it ended with him yelling for half an hour and refusing to agree not to turn up at the school when I'm there.

it didn't feel safe. i don't know if it's supposed to, but it did not at all. thing is, i'm feeling a bit stuck. wa tell me it's a legal matter so can't really help. the local resources i've called don't call me back or can't really help either. i'm on the waiting list for the freedom programme but not until january. i've talked to 2 solicitors but they seem concerned about the money (which I am least interested in) and i can't seem to make people see that this isn't just anger at being left - it's a pattern that's been there for years and actually the reason i left in the first place. i can't seem to make it clear that it's not ok.

It's no surprise you found mediation threatening. It is a tenet of this thread that going to mediation with an abuser is pointless. You will just have to grit your teeth and let him show himself up without responding angrily if you can. Then come here and let off steam! I think you are allowed to stop mediation if it isn't working for you but you have to give it a go.

Have you tried posting on the MN legal board for advice?
Are you allowed to take a friend or relative along for moral support if you are afraid of him?
I'm not really an expert but I can feel your distress and fear. This too will pass! It is a step along the way to a long term future without him upsetting you.

Bibi I'm really sorry if I was too harsh when I replied to what you'd said about Shirley Valentine the other day. I was only trying to say you didn't have to say it was a crap film if you like it ! But I'm sorry if you were upset for a while by the way things went on here ? Glad you've bounced back

Morning all -
I have just been going over stuff and remembered what we all have in common. Children. I was thinking about the stuff on previous page about how we put everything in our relationships but it's somehow misguided by the assumptions that people treat people the same as we treat them. Or we have a history that makes us desperate to make things work.

And being one of the folks that just wants to be kind, I think the thing that will see me through this is knowing that the dcs will be happier and more fulfilled without this bull in a china shop crashing about our house disrupting, obstructing, degrading and ultimately damaging. So I'm going to focus on that - it will help me get through the 'is it worth it' doubts that will always surface.

BB Sorry you found mediation threatening sending hugs and some , I agree see if you can take a neutral friend with you? I think that's where it's easier with solicitor's it's very cut & shut with them. He asked me to keep the DC's up last night so he could come and see them when he finished work, he does shifts & don't finish until late. I said yes but then he made a point of overegging things with DD which in turn upset her and she was screaming for daddy to stay and I got 'see what you've done?' x

see my Dd has SN's issues anyway so have to handle her carefully, so all I had said to her is mummy and daddy keep making each other sad so he's going to stay somewhere for a while so we can be friends again. He made a point of repeatedly telling her that mummy doesn't want him there I don't but I feel what I said was more appropiate for her age and needs why she adapts to the change iykwim? I have to take some more stuff to him but I'm meeting him on my terms and not his today :) x

Misspixie I'm really glad you're starting to take back some control over your ex. Your ex telling your dd that you don't want him there is surely emotional abuse. Tell him it is abuse and that if it doesn't stop you'll have to look at access through a contact centre.

Dear Butterfly, if you don't feel safe in any situation you have the right to stop, ask for a breather or ask for shuttle mediation. Did you have an individual chat to the mediator before you met? Obviously don't know what the alternatives are in your case, but you can ask to stop until the yelling stops.

I think my biggest mistake was to not realise that he chose to behave like this and I could never conceive that anyone would do that deliberately. My mistake was to assume that other people are like me

Such an accurate thought, witchybarbie,Itsme. I didn't have the explanation of being young, simply that I hadn't lived with someone who behaved like this before. I think this is one of the biggest lessons I learnt from the relationship. I'm not sure, though, how to deal with this knowledge in the future. I don't want to be on my guard with everyone, never trust, think there's a hidden agenda etc..

I was advised by my solicitor NOT to enter into mediation with my ex because he is a bully.

It's hard to realise not everyone has the same moral compass, that they don't have the same kind of conscience as you and they don't feel guilty about doing bad stuff.

I cried myself to sleep last night :( I met up with him earlier & tried so hard to hold the tears back, he said he's going to ring his family today and tell them what happened, I know I'll get the blame for everything, I almost don't care as expected it, due to the language barrier with his oversees family I won't be able to tell my side of the story. Just left him at the hostel I have a confession to make, when he came round last night, I did actually say to him, stay here tonight if you wish...

and go back to the shelter/hostel in the morning but he said no that I had 'humiliated' him enough. When I gave him some more stuff back earlier I noticed how much of it was 'my wife didn't do x y & z for me this is why a b & c is happening, I found myself saying to him look I accept blame for maybe not working hard enough to save the marriage or whatever it else it is you think i'm responsible for but what are YOU choosing to be responsible for? x do they set out to be abusers or does it form in them? x

Hey pixie give yourself time! This is all so new, of course your emotions are all over the place.

It is unlikely that your in-laws will see things from your perspecive, even if there was no language barrier between you. There will be people who won't want to see your H as abusive, for their own reasons. Let them. It has no bearing on you knowing that you have done the right thing.

For similar reasons, your H is unlikely to take any responsibility. Again, it's his choice. Down to his own issues. The fact that he holds you responsible for the end of your marriage does not make you responsible. Reject those guilty feelings! They are not yours to keep, as long as you are confident about yourself, your feelings, your choices.

And really, who cares why abusers are the way they are. They are. And it's damaging to us. He doesn't need any more of your headspace and energy now wondering what made him so. Use that energy for yourself now.

xxx and (((hugs)))

ItsMe - They are like that because THEY ARE. But, we do spend our time analysing why, why, why, when we're with them, and when we're not with them we still ask why? (Well, I do).

Conversation with my counsellor:-

Me - "I don't think I'll ever forgive him for what he's done".

Her - "Do you have to".

I think I am still suffering from being brainwashed - from wanting to be the goodgirl. The freedom of realising - no, I don't have to forgive him.

MissPixie - don't expect him to take responsibility. Expect him to blame you. Expect him to act like he is the victim.

I love those types of therapy moments, bellsring.

Pixie, by the way, I spent aaaaaages googling and researching and wanting to understand every detail of why stbxh is the way he is.

At some point in this process, I looked at myself and thought: "hang on, shouldn't I be spending all this time and energy focusing on understanding and healing myself?"

So despite what I said to you above, I think that researching the abusive mentality can be a helpful part of the process, if the result is that it helps us understand that, yes, it was abuse, and no, it wasn't our fault. The difficulty is that we are so used to spending all our time focusing on others and wanting to help/cure them, that the intensive research into abusers' mentality can sometimes stem from us still wanting to "save" and "help" them, and divert precious resources we should be aiming at ourselves, for once.

Acceptance is the goal. Thorough understanding may be a path to acceptance. As may be just saying : "fuck it, he really isn't worth my time anymore."

Have any of you noticed that despite its title, "Why does he do that?" doesn't actually answer the question? Instead the book is just saying in big blaring letters: "See that? It's abuse. It's not you, it's him."

It really answers the question: "What is he doing?", not "Why does he do that?", and I think that's the more important question.

...because the question "Why does he do that?" leaves the door wide open to self-doubt (in a situation where there should be none, and by people who are far too prone to it already).

ItsMe - it's a common question we ask ourselves - WHY DOES HE DO THAT?

I'm still bemused why I continued to be shocked and surprised every time my ex did bad stuff.

Why, can't he just stop all this crap and be nice? It took me a long time to accept that HE DOESN'T WANT TO. (sorry for shouting).

Pixie what's happened to you is a Big Deal. And you've been incredibly brave to get this far. You must still be in shock. Don't feel pressurized into making any decisions - you wouldn't expect someone who'd just escaped from a car crash to do that. How is your RL support?

Thanks Puppy & Bellsring your last posts have prompted a real lightbulb moment for me. I'm still obsessively reading and googling. Probably to assure myself that yes, he really was that nasty, that it's because of something within himself, and has nothing to do with me. And you should see all the books I bought before we split trying to learn how to communicate better etc (i.e. be a better wife ).

We have to keep asking ourselves "why does he do that?" because the answer is so hard to fathom; so hard to accept. We ask it in the hope that there is an explanation of some kind that won't force us to face up to an ugly reality.

And you should see all the books I bought before we split trying to learn how to communicate better etc (i.e. be a better wife

Oh me too, TGTF, me too. Heh.