Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships 5

[ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow]

Welcome!

This is the latest instalment in a series of threads for those who are in abusive relationships, those who have left abusive relationships, and those gearing to leave.

Come vent, share, give and receive support.

The first question you may be asking yourself as a new visitor to this thread is:

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.

PS Bibi you haven't annoyed me yet.....feel free to try harder...I just like you and cos i can't tell a joke to save my life I NEED someone like you to lighten up the oh so serious stuff we're going thru'. Just so long as you get to be looked after too...and come out for some support when you need it. [polishes headlight with edge of trendy duster coat].

nothaunted - what a beautiful, beautiful post! (Mon 10-Oct-11 21:48) :) :)

Corblimey, Pixie, he's trying to get his bosses to confirm his delusions? I almost feel sorry for him want to laugh out loud!

foth - Yes, a normal day! Hurrah! Your post is important, I think, in reminding us what normal, healthy rows are like ... no need for blood-and-thunder in realword, just rows and reconciliations

Hi everyone again, as usual not able to keep up with your posts. Theregoes, thanks for yours. It is so helpful hearing other peoples stories looking back.

Yes he did try and use our first counselling session against me, but I see that and let it wash. We have 8 weeks and that's it. I have told him if things don't change by the end of that 8 weeks I'm out. He wants to outsmart me with this but my counsellor is smart enough to see it.

This morning he said 'you didn't seem to get it when she asked you about how I feel' ... he sees her asking questions as her doubting me, assuming she's taking sides with her. It's all so predictable. Early on in the session I passed the baton to him, saying I talk about myself all the time but it is better coming from him. He spent about 15 minutes of our 40 talking about himself, his life, his self-doubt about work, nothing deep, nothing analytical of himself, his history or his behaviour. Just 'poor me'.

Interesting how that balances with where I'm coming from which is - let's try and help, let's work this out, I have always tried to support you, etc etc.

He's going to write our argument this morning down and give it to the counsellor. I didn't tell him that I've been writing stuff down for years and still have it. She asked what I want out of this - I said 'a peaceful life' - 'and for him to work out whether he really wants me or not'. This may be his way to bow out gracefully.

Don't worry about me, I am above the 'thinking I'm mad' bit, I'm not perfect but I'm not nuts. I have normal expectations of a relationship, I'm not driving him to anything. He just can't help himself and he should be bloody grateful he's getting this last chance to change.

Of course when we came back he wanted to get back in the bed with me. Somehow he seemed to think he had done enough to deserve that. Twat with a capital T.

Going to get on with sorting his clothes out from mine today. Make it easier for exit. What is it about him that makes him determined to not appreciate the person by his side and work as a team?

What is it about him that makes him determined to not appreciate the person by his side and work as a team?

Projection: he hates himself, can't face up to it, and so has to choose an outside target to vomit all those bad feelings on.

Also, competition: he needs to "win"; he needs to "defeat" you in order to briefly feel better about himself because, again, deep down he feels like a pathetic worm but can't face up to those feelings, so he needs to use put-downs to big himself up.

Itsme that's an alternative view to the abuser = self-centred narcissist which I have been going along with.

I don't see why he hates himself, he has everything going for him really. To the outside world he is more successful, capable, interesting and good-looking than me. But I met him when I was so young and have been with him so long that in many ways I don't know who I am or what I am capable of. He would say the same of me of course.

On the other hand I never got the belt when I was a child, or had a mother that favoured others over me.

I know this is too little too late, but hey, I have to give him one last chance. I've tried for 25 years - it's his turn now.

Itsme that's an alternative view to the abuser = self-centred narcissist which I have been going along with.

Actually it's the same thing. Narcissists hate themselves. They are just terrified of those feelings, so bury them by being controlling, nasty, demeaning, and so on. Why do you think they react with abusive anger to being criticised? Because it hits a nerve. And they are too weak to face it: they have to throw it on someone else's shoulders. Hence the tried-and-true: "It's your fault, you made me do it!"

Whatever you do, don't think that this insight into your abuser's self-hatred is the key to "curing" him. Narcissists don't change: they've buried their painful feelings too deep; they don't want to look at themselves, and yes, they choose to abuse you. For their own fucked-up reasons, but it is still their choice to abuse you.

Definitely not surprised to hear he was abused as a child. So were you, probably. You both probably learned self-hatred from being neglected, put down, or otherwise abused in childhood; it's just that abusers deny their self-hatred and project it onto others, whereas abuse victims accept abuse because hey, they're used to it: they're abusing themselves already.

Itsme, of course you are right - I wasn't abused myself though, but always guided to be 'kind' and suppress my own needs. Big family, strong mother, strong father but mum prepared to put up and shut up a bit too often. I think my biggest mistake was to not realise that he chose to behave like this and I could never conceive that anyone would do that deliberately. My mistake was to assume that other people are like me - I put that down to my youth I guess. Since then I have been totally engaged in defending myself and trying to make him understand his behaviour to be better person. I realised some time ago that this was futile, but it does help to understand exactly why it is futile.

I think my biggest mistake was to not realise that he chose to behave like this and I could never conceive that anyone would do that deliberately. My mistake was to assume that other people are like me

Totally the same here!

Same here too - I think we must all be alike in that way.

Withbarbie I sympathise I really do, I feel the same how many times I've heard the "I'm only here for the DC's anyway I hate your guts" etc, I come from a broken home & I think I've tried so hard not to let that happen with my DC's I've forgotten the bigger picture here, that technically it's broken already (Thanks Scary & others for your words of wisdom-we do listen you know :o ). He threatened to do something silly last night and again this morning, then turned his phone off & I had friends ringing.......

Yes. Is it again down to childhood conditioning? "Mom and Dad are treating me poorly. It can't possibly be deliberate, since they are godlike figures. Must be me, then."

...and then we are also blinded to the deliberateness of behaviour in other people, further down the line.

asking where he was as he was meant to meet X at Y o'clock, didn't show up and it's not like him. had to go in & have a word with Dd's head this morning, she was very kind & said to me I don't believe this is the first time he's laid his hands on you or you wouldn't have made such a final decision she's right by the way. After the panic he caused this morning, I've just had the homeless shelter ring to tell me not to worry & that he is with them. I feel like a horrible human being :( x

You're not horrible Misspixie.

sorry for x-posting pumpkin, on the phone so limited words to get all my yap out! x

you see pixie? you see how others are on your side, believing in YOU? You didn't do this love, HE did.

be kind to yourself today please? ((((hugs))))

How did the homeless shelter know your number? Did he put them up to it? thats manipulative in itself, asking the people at the homeless shelter to ring you and tell you not to worry.

It's good that he's in a proper homeless shelter, it's from this place that he will eventually be rehoused. They arn't fancy places but there will be everything he needs there.

He threatened to do something silly last night and again this morning

I had suicide threats a few times from stbxh. Was propersly concerned, got him counselling, etc. The final time he threatened to kill himself was when I had made an open-hearted attempt to tell him how his cold, threatening and violent behaviour made me feel, all in "I" statements like a good little girl who'd been to couples counselling. He didn't respond to anything I had said at all, it was as if he hadn't heard it. His only response was to angrily and menacingly say: "When we get home, I'm going to throw myself under a train." For ONCE I saw the light and said: "If you do, that's your decision. A pretty stupid one, but your decision all the same." Oh, the wounded shock on his face that I wasn't responding to blackmail anymore... Of course he never has attempted suicide, ever.

Anything he does, Pixie, is his choice. You don't need to feel like a horrible human being because you are not responsible for him.

Pumpkin it's so sad you got to the point where he conned you with suicide threats. He dragged you a lot further down than mine. I know already that if he went down that route of blackmail I would see it as confirmation of his abuse, not validation of a right to sympathy.

I have a friend whose dp actually does do the suicide attempts - alcoholic, but one of those very intelligent ones. She's still there, the dcs are still messed up, partner is still a twat. Her problem is that she's too strong - but I don't think she realises that her children are not.

No Pixie, you are not responsible for any of this. One of the first things that helped me to disengage was to say to myself "he'll be fine". Accept that he will move on and you can let go. And why not tell him that he will be fine - I did that with mine it completely stumped him.

Oh, he went still further than that, barbie! It's only when he threatened to kill me that I was jolted out of my denial. And it only became the last straw because I was already in so much emotional pain from a miscarriage that I just couldn't take any more. If I hadn't been already at the end of my resources at that moment, I might even have taken death threats in stride. After all, I'd taken his threats to hit me iuf I didn't shut up, or to make my life hell if I dared leave him, in my stride before.

I'm not surprised you describe your friend as "too strong". You have to be strong to take repeated attacks on your personhood like that. You also have to have grown used to it and expect no better -- I wrote a post about that on the Stately Homes thread this morning.

ItsMe- I had the same kind of jolting experience.He used phrases to me such as 'I'll beat the living shit out of you'.I did a mental double-take(not sure how to describe it).I had to check myself and repeat his words to myself at the time.

can my stbxh make me sell the house as part of the divorce? the mortgage company wont let me take the mortgage on myself; i just assumed his name would stay on and he'd move out...but he says i will have to sell

?

Dear BJ post that one in legal and you should get a straightforward reply.

For other reasons want to echo the sentiment of being responsible for your choices and having the maturity of working out what the consequences of those choices are. Being unsure is good, having doubts and exploring things is a sign of even greater maturity and wisdom is to ask, question and ask others for advice as we move towards taking decisions.

I can't believe there are people out there like me, I didn't realise. My life is so bad and so good I just can't work out if it's bad enough to split my family up and get out. I don't know how to live this relationship any more, I don't know who or what I am any more