Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships 5

[ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow]

Welcome!

This is the latest instalment in a series of threads for those who are in abusive relationships, those who have left abusive relationships, and those gearing to leave.

Come vent, share, give and receive support.

The first question you may be asking yourself as a new visitor to this thread is:

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.

Not so much a home straight in my mind as a huge precipice that i feel like i am going to take a step off.

Too many children though i wouldn't be without any of them (also have to say they are the reason i am doing this....so much damage already...) Wish it could be a clean break and get rid of him completely, but he is their father and therefore I/we/they are going to have to keep dealing with him. not sure how this will work or how much damage he can do or how realistic the authorities will be about the things I really want for them (own beds at night...see him regularly or even often but come "home" to peace and tranquillity...or at least no manipulation).

Hey ho....not in my power to do anything about this just now...............

Pixie and hamster thinking of you too.

If I know Bibi, she'll be hard at work hosing down those railway carriages just back from dumping their load on the other side of fuck. They get awfully slimey you know..

Bit of both really, garlic (and hosing down carriages HerScaryness - slimy fuckers that they are)

While I'm hyper aware that this is not the Bibi show I will be honest about my feelings for once in my life (goddamit)

I know that I have an overwhelming power to irritate others in RL and often keep my distance because of that, hell, even the woman I had counselling with freely admitted she found me quite irritating.

So, to hear/read that I'm STILL an irritating fucker in cyberspace sort of sent me into a child-like self-loathing session for a while. You know that sort of instant heat of embarrassment followed by self-pitying tears? Well, that, really.

But, I'm all grown up now and the child has had it's few days to do what it needs to and the adult is ready to take over again.

Thank you for caring enough to ask about me and FOTH - go go go! As someone else said - you're soooo close now even I can smell it through the stench of my own nappies :)

Thank you very much for making me laugh while regretting my words, Bibi. That's quite a gift you've got there! I'm good at nappies - get on the kitchen table, you'll be done in no time

Aww, Bibi. I don't find you irritating, and I bet Garlic doesn't either. She appeared from a third person's perspective to be giving you a friendly shake of the shoulders and a mock fierce glare to stop you feeling apologetic. You don't have anything to apologise for, geddit? She's being "now stop beating yourself up RIGHT NOW", and you're being "OMG she's angry with me, I've done something terrible!" No! You haven't! Now have a hug. Because we don't do it on MN unless we really mean it.

bibi you don't irritate me

Don't forget to powder my botticelli-like bottom now and I want big girl pull up pants with sponge-bob on or I'm not getting on the table!

Thanks for the hug Annie, I know it's very unlike this site to be dishing them out and I appreciate it, really.

If this carries on I'll have to de-camp to net-huns where they're all 'hunning themselves'

Don't know who first coined that on here but couldn't resist using it - I love it!

Now, move along everyone, nothing to see here :)

Aw Bibi, you are not irritating. You make me laugh a lot. In fact I think you're rather fab and I am sure that I would love you in RL too. (I'm also sure that Garlic was not saying that you're an irritating fucker. Garlic is well able to speak for herself, and no doubt she'll be along in a minute to tell you that herself )

x-posts. Not only am I an excellent judge of character, I'm also psychic :)

Gives Bibi a manly pat.

(that's what MN used to give before hugs were allowed btw!)

You are not irritating, not in the least! I enjoy your 'company' on here.

I will however start to pull you up on your self-critisism.... OK?

Come on Bibi, chin up! you've got shiny buttons to polish, twats tickets to punch!

I know Annie, used a lot of electricity drying dem dere tickets out with my trusty hair-dryer. Reems of the bastards just consigned to the bin.

ThereGoesTheFear - are you perhaps Daphne from Frasier, what with your psychic ability :)

Hi, just wanted to say that despite minor upset at teatime (but over now), I've had the first great weekend in god knows how many years. Took DD out on her own to outdoor adventure thing on Sat and she won big prize as well as making it up very steep hill (she's not a great walker as has mild cp) and can get a bit defeated. Then today took DS out for wonderful day with two of my oldest friends and the DCs. I didn't keep thinking I'd break down and cry because everyone else was living in 'normal' land. I enjoyed two autumn days in the countryside for what they were. Also enjoyed the DCs company properly for first time in ages - I struggled badly over the summer as was a shit-scared shadow of myself and mentally curled in foetal position.
Discovered again: I like talking to people.
I can spend money on things that are important ie having fun times with DCs.
Autumn is beautiful.
I can leave the mess to be cleared up later because the weather is nice and going out is better for the soul than doing the washing up.
I can clear it up whenever I goddam like - midnight and listen to the radio without anyone stomping in and telling me to be quiet or that he wants to sleep.
I think I have more of a smile on my face that a trembling lip of someone about to burst into tears.
I am not scared.

So Pixie, FOTH yes it is bloody scary but when you eventually land at the foot of the precipice you find it is possible to pick up and carry on. The emotional and physical bruises do mend. Yes the scars will be there forever and things can trigger them unexpectedly. But in the end you will enjoy a day from beginning to end again.
Just turned Marvin Gaye up loud on radio and am going to do the washing up as loudly as I damn well please.

Hi all
I've been enjoying a large bar of Extra Fine Swiss Dark Chocolate and watching Doc Martin. Just popped in to share the Bibi love.

And cheer on those going through hard times.

Oh and Bibi,
beneath that uniform and stern exterior beats a heart of sterling gold.

"I can leave the mess to be cleared up later because the weather is nice and going out is better for the soul than doing the washing up.
I can clear it up whenever I goddam like - midnight and listen to the radio without anyone stomping in and telling me to be quiet or that he wants to sleep"

"Just turned Marvin Gaye up loud on radio and am going to do the washing up as loudly as I damn well please"

Lovely, just lovely, the whole post nothaunted - you keep dancing and washing up (but more dancing on the whole, I hope :))

Swiss Dark Chocolate - oooh, me me me please! I've become quite a fan of dark choc since my low-carb phase (now I'm just on the no 'man-dinners' eat what I damn well please diet :))

Also watching Doc Martin - always feels like a guilty pleasure since he's quite the disfunctial character really, but lovable still.

x posted

Something my two furries take full and utter advantage of! They know a -sap kind heart when they see it :)

Oh, btw, little dog is doing well, just heard her giving some cheeky little barks and her mum's bought her a halloween outfit (the shame!) Amazing spirit after all she's suffered, really.

Thanks for thinking of me and hamster everyone. Awful day here and I've spent the evening in floods :( I don't want to go into too much deal in case of any RL'ers I know may be on here but in a nutshell involved the police calling me this afternoon & then his boss contacting me this evening to know what the hell is wrong with him as he burst into tears and told her, he's pleading he will do anything, even boss said he'd asked about the 'perpetrator' programme He's not for real? is he? x

He will do anything, will he? How come he wouldn't do anything when you were crying and pleading? No, he has to be frog-marched out of his own house by the police before he notices anything's wrong, and I may be a total cynic but I believe what he's noticed is that his comfort zone has been taken away. Not that he's suddenly realised he was a shit and doesn't want to be one any more.

Read St Lundy, and pray for strength.

Great news about the little dog, Bibi :)

No pixie, I am firmly in the camp that says perpetrator programmes just teach them how to manipulate and abuse with new, more covert skills.

His boss calling you?? Not on, really it isn't - FGS (at him, the partner I mean, the boss is falling for the rouine too it seems!)

What's next? His mum phoning to tell you he's a lovely man, really?

No, too little too late - and this is coming from someone who agonised and nearly fell for the crocodile tears and measly bunch of flowers several times.

As you so rightly put it - he's not for real - it's all just tactics to rope you back in - stay strong, keep posting and making plans for a life that's all your own, free of this manipulative crap!

FOTH I know that feeling so well. I look back on the paralysis I felt due to the fear of upsetting him by leaving. At the time that was the thing I feared most of all. I was conditioned to avoid upsetting him at all costs, so leaving him seemed crazy. I look back, from the other side and it feels like it was a different person feeling it. I couldn't stay just to avoid upsetting him, he would always find something to rage at anyway. Like you, I had some very young children, and just getting the head-space to think it all through was very difficult. And there's the crushing guilt of putting them through the break-up. But you may find that they're relieved to be out of his orbit. In my case, the children have adapted extremely well; I just realised a week or so ago that the eldest has stopped stammering sometime in the last 6 months since we made it to freedom .

Barbie the physical revulsion at the thought of him touching is a solid step. It's a real sign that you've disengaged, even if you have a laugh with him in the kitchen. When things have been bad with H and I feel like I can't trust my own mind, spaghetti head mess (TM Thisis), I've always been able to trust my body: extreme weight-loss, stress-related eczema, trembling with fear, etc. These have been at times when I've not quite believed how awful things were and I was worried I was being a drama queen. (I bloody wasn't.)
The counseling could be very dangerous if you're not up-front about the abuse. I had a very grim set of couples counseling sessions with H where I didn't feel able to talk about the abuse so we just talked about all my failings and I started to think that maybe it was me. So if you do go ahead with it and are clear about what you want out of it, this has to be the first thing that you raise.

Pixie, that's brilliant!

yes his boss and his team leader spoke to me, very nice ladies, he put his foot in his mouth when he raised his voice to me over the phone. I said to his TL, I haven't done this because I wanted to I have done it because I have had to. she was very kind and said they was trying to help him find somewhere and that I was doing the right thing and to be strong. Emotionally drained today as I've spent the day constantly feeling like I'm having to convince everyone that I'm not lying x

Bollocks x-post again. That's not brilliant, Pixie. But it is standard tactics. What an unimaginative prick.

Good grief...i don't know whether i am relieved that you all seem to not only have known my H but actually have been married to him as well.........or scared that even Bibi's bus can't rid the land of their kind
...where's Dr Who when you need him? (now Bibi how about a TARDIS to fly...lots of knobs and whistles and you can dump them all in the far off side of... in another dimension/galaxy and time-space continuum!!...no-where is too far)

TGTF yes I can see being without him will be good. We had a NORMAL day yesterday (himself away for a few days)...ie we got grumpy, were mad, were nasty, made up, were sorry and it was all OK because we were'nt tiptoeing around trying not to ignite H's temper and avoiding WW3 I was so happy that we had had a bad day and it was OK and normal and we all were in bed and OK. Do you know there are people out there who would think their day had been terrible? But I'm grinning from ear to ear because we didn't have to be perfect or deal with the big guns!

Pixie really, his boss?? I think you would be surprised how few people think you are lying...some people have quite good Bul*t detectors (unlike me who fell for every con in the book) and will see his games for what they are. Stay strong. Somewhere out there there is a life just waiting for us to go and grab it.............

Annie I think I love you....can I borrow your gun?? I am glad to have a reality checker (or 2 or 3 or4) on here

Haunted-not even washing up gets to be enjoyable on the other side????? Yay!!!!