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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships 5

999 replies

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 26/09/2011 21:50

Welcome!

This is the latest instalment in a series of threads for those who are in abusive relationships, those who have left abusive relationships, and those gearing to leave.

Come vent, share, give and receive support.

The first question you may be asking yourself as a new visitor to this thread is:

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.

OP posts:
bellsring · 10/10/2011 10:00

Apologies. It was intended for you, MissPixie.

HerScaryness · 10/10/2011 10:18

Sounds good Pixie, well done. Any time you feel worried you may cave in, please post and we'll hold your hand.

HerScaryness · 10/10/2011 10:19

Has that other thread gone then? the one where the alleged DV worker told those in abusive relationships to not expect any help at all?

HecateGoddessOfTheNight · 10/10/2011 10:21

Yes. It is. Funnily enough, right after I said that I had emailed womens aid with a link to the thread.

However. I had saved the thread in word. And I emailed that copy to womens aid and repeated my plea for them to come here and undo some of the damage that person did!

ItsMeAndMyPumpkinNow · 10/10/2011 10:27

She also posted on another thread, and the OP's following post was about how she wouldn't contact WA as she didn't want to take a space in a refuge from someone who needed it more; this is an OP with no access to any money of her own. Sad

Hey, Hecate I was wondering this morning whether Hecate is pronounced Heckit or Hecatee. Can you clue me in?

HecateGoddessOfTheNight · 10/10/2011 10:30

Oh NO, she hasn't? Shock bloody HELL that person is a menace. Which thread?

it's heck-ah-tea

Misspixietrix · 10/10/2011 10:32

well done Hecate, do you know what, I'm becoming increasingly suspicious of all these said threads, the one with the worker and the others when someone's pleading for some clarification and get the "but it's normal" response? Hmm I've had a word with the school and GM has took Ds for the day, I missed the NCDV call so will be ringing them back in a minute. Plan to sit by the river & get my thoughts together before working out how to get his work clothes too him x

HerScaryness · 10/10/2011 10:34

Bloody good going Hecate! Oh and thanks for the pronunciation hint too!

Puppy, we are going to need a link love....

ItsMeAndMyPumpkinNow · 10/10/2011 10:37

Here. You've posted on it Hissy. Most of the posters following that are encouraging her to call WA, without directly tearing down togetherwehaveitall, which may be just as effective.

HerScaryness · 10/10/2011 10:42

Ahh, very low level post from 'her' and totally ignored anyway.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 10/10/2011 11:56

MissPixie

I was gonna suggest the NCDV but I see you've already done that, good.

They should be able to get an emergency injunction for you but this will only be valid for something like either 7 or 14 days. this will buy you a bit of time but you still need to keep your solicitors appointment.

All the police attendances will be logged and will be in your favour and your solicitor will take all the details of this to present to court.

It is funny when the police turn up quickly. My ex-arsehole thought he had all the time in the world and could take his time and do and say what he wanted - you should have seen his face when they turned up 2 minutes after I rang them. The wanker actually cried!!!!!!

gobarbie · 10/10/2011 13:32

Hi folks, not been here for a while, but DP is now in the spare room. It's only been 3 weeks since I told him we are splitting up and he is already wanting to get back in my bed. Nothing has changed apart from that.

We are going to joint counselling tonight, he organised it. Stupid idea I know. I'm going to keep as quiet as possible. We have 8 weeks of counselling and if things haven't changed we will split around Christmas time.

I can't disengage from him because he's still here and sometimes I need company, a laugh, the usual. But I still can't bear for him to touch me. I have worked out that I could leave with DCs but the fact that house is near school it would mean dcs would end up back here so I would have to get him to move out.

ItsMeAndMyPumpkinNow · 10/10/2011 14:02

barbie are you going to be upfront with the counselor about his abusiveness? And about the fact that you are not in the counseling sessions to fix your marriage, but because you feel obliged? If it's a case of "too little too late", can you just say that?

We have 8 weeks of counselling and if things haven't changed we will split around Christmas time.

Is this something you've told your partner to fob him off, or is it what you are working towards? If the latter, what precisely would have to change for you to stay, and how would you measure whether it really has changed in a long-lasting way?

foolonthehill · 10/10/2011 14:43

Sorry to barge in but AAAAAAAAAAARGH

Swimmingly getting my stufff together (safety plan, solicitors etc etc) to tell H what's up in the middle of half term and stick him on Bibis bus telling him to enrol on an abusers programme and come back and see us if there is real change. This morning BIL(he's been TOTALLY supportive up til now) let cat out of bag that something is up on phone to H (who he never calls) such that panic phone call from h in airport departure lounge .....of course I got the i know I can blow up at times but you drive me to it talk. Now I have 2 days before H returns from awaysville..................and I have to work (Self employed) no time to do anything.....so what do i do?????

foolonthehill · 10/10/2011 14:44

and by the way HEEEELLLLPPPPPPP

foolonthehill · 10/10/2011 14:45

On the way to school nor....if you have any bright ideas i'll be back later in evening. Dont know whether to Angry or [cry].

ItsMeAndMyPumpkinNow · 10/10/2011 14:51

Are you frightened of what he'll do when he returns?

If not, then you'll probably just have to deal with him being a royal PITA / blaming and denying / laying on the charm for a while. Read your Lundy, keep talking to us, and stick to your guns.

If you are frightened, then have your emergency bag with your and your DCs' stuff somewhere safe, and a friend lined up who'll be ready to receive you at a moment's notice.

HerScaryness · 10/10/2011 16:06

FOTH. This is the time that you stand in the path of the wave and stay where you are. Let the fear wash over you, let yourself feel it. Know that it's NOT normal to feel this,that your relationship is toxic, HE is toxic and that YOU have to take steps to leave.

If you get the You drive me to it bollocks, call it how you see it. BOLLOCKS. Say to him that HE chooses to blow up, that HE chooses to abuse and you are choosing to END it.

This is not the time you scurry, back down or capitulate. this is the time you stand tall and tell him that you have made up your mind.

If he gets nasty, call 999. It's about time you started getting his behaviour logged. emergency bag at the ready, just in case. better yet, is there someone that could hold a bag for you, just in case.

BIL, is he really a friend, is he really supportive, cos from where I sit, he could have endangered your LIFE. Tear him a new one. reconsider contact with him too.

nothaunted · 10/10/2011 16:53

dear FOTH, do a minimalist plan for now ie the basics in a small bag and somewhere for you and the DCs temporarily, so that if it blows up then you can sprint. Hope you can do that tonight. Tomorrow, continue as though you have time to get everything in order that you would like. Practice fogging, broken record, passifying. I know it may stick in your throat but it can buy you time. Somewhere set down what have been the absolute boundaries that he has crossed so that if you need to arm yourself against the bollocks you can reread - these are the gold standards against which to judge him. The Freedom programme - Goodman/badman diagram is a great aide memoire though sticking it up in the kitchen could be inflammatory Grin.
If no danger, it's better to go with as little ill-will as possible as it will help in the future, but if he blows you go. Best of luck and keep posting.
And Pixie all strength to you girl, go!
PS I too contacted MNHQ re that thread and suggested a Q&A with DV maven, they said they would ask editorial team to consider it.

Anniegetyourgun · 10/10/2011 19:09

Pixie, you ain't dumb - very clearly you're far from it - so just for a moment, step outside your own head and explain to me why rationally you might be more afraid of seeing a solicitor than of your abusive soon-to-be-ex violent fellow. What, in a word, is the solicitor likely to do to you? Take your money, ok, that's not so good, but that man is taking your soul and there's some possibility he is capable of taking your life. Maybe you're afraid of the wrong thing?

foolonthehill · 10/10/2011 20:02

Thanks.
bag of important docs and PAYG phone already at a friend's, will sort some clothes tonight and stuff. Just Sad now it's less manageable and really bad timing for H as has to keep going and coming with work.

Did I sabotage myself i am wondering by confiding when I hadn't to almost anyone else??

Slightly worried about violence, more worried that i will crumble in the face of (highly manipulative) tears promises and minimisation that makes me feel that i have driven him to the edge.

Oh for a fly on the wall when all the rubbish happens just to verify just how rubbish it all really is.

soo tired.

Like the wave picture scaryhissy will try to imagine deep roots as the wave breaks and washes over me...hopefully taking H and all other rubbish away with it...............

HerScaryness · 10/10/2011 20:35

If he starts with the tears, push through it, see the other side and hold onto that vision. Feel the wave crash over you, your strength has held you so strong, it won't fail you now. You ARE stronger than him.

You always were.

That's why he's tried to break you.

garlicScaresVampires · 10/10/2011 20:36

Hi. I'm sorry for barging in. Very best wishes and all good speed to you, Pixie and foth! Also, I hope Hamsters is still reading (and looking forward to driving your hamster-mobile into the sunset) :)

I just posted on another thread about something from my psych/sociopath reading - they are often described as "very normal", which, when you think about it, isn't a thing you often say. It looks almost as if they're abnormally normal Confused

It reminded me of something else that happened with X2, while we were dating. He was late, the bar was packed, and I needed to go to the loo. I asked a nearby couple to keep an eye out for him - "What does he look like?" they asked. I couldn't think of any distinguishing feature about him! I said, wait for it, "Oh, he looks really normal." To my surprise, they nodded - and recognised him Shock

It stuck in my mind, I thought because I felt disloyal about having nothing special to say about him. But maybe it was really that they understood and, on some level, I knew that was strange.

Bibi, I hope you're brief absence is more to do with having a life than my tactless post. I am sorry for my big feet Blush

garlicScaresVampires · 10/10/2011 20:36

your, not you're, dammit!

HerScaryness · 10/10/2011 20:36

I can see the home straight for you FOTH, can you? You are so close.

Stay safe, stay true and keep your entire being focussed on what you need.

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