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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships 5

999 replies

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 26/09/2011 21:50

Welcome!

This is the latest instalment in a series of threads for those who are in abusive relationships, those who have left abusive relationships, and those gearing to leave.

Come vent, share, give and receive support.

The first question you may be asking yourself as a new visitor to this thread is:

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.

OP posts:
Misspixietrix · 09/10/2011 19:07

thankyou apologies accepted MWooo Thanks although not needed in the first place really Wink I have to get my head together, the phone calls have started, dd answered before I could see the screen he wanted to come back 'to get his food' which he usually spends all night at the local cultural restaurant eating theirs instead. Told him to go there and that I have no wish to talk to him x HE JUST DOESN'T GET IT!! neither do I tbh! I HAVE to do this for my DC's & for myself x

ItsMeAndMyPumpkinNow · 09/10/2011 19:42

Of course he doesn't get it. Because "getting it" would mean accepting responsibility for his own actions, and abusers/narcs can't do that.

It does make you doubt your own sanity, though, to see their staunch refusal to accept reality.

Congratulations, by the way.

iwillbefree · 09/10/2011 19:54

pixie
Well done and good luck, hope you feel a big relief soon, you have been so brave chuck.

IWBF xx

Misspixietrix · 09/10/2011 20:10

I thought I would feel relief but I don't, I'm on pins everytime I hear a car engine! :( x and I've had 3 texts with 10mins, latest one had me laugh a little (don't worry haven't replied) "I haven't called the police on you ONCE, er yes that's because I haven't been physical with you! x

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 09/10/2011 20:15

Where is he now, Misspixie?

bigbuttons · 09/10/2011 20:17

Pixi, what you are hopefully feeling is a sense of strength and empowerment( well you should be ).
Feel relived that you are no longer alone with your abuse. Knowing that you will call the police should make him think about his behaviour. That has certainly happened with my twat.
He too denied what he did, but I'd be very surprised if he did it again.

HamstersDontSwim · 09/10/2011 20:30

Thankyou so much for chatting to me and the car ad really lifted my spirits.
I was LOLing so much that H wanted to see what was so funny (he was ouside so I thought I was safe to have a quick peek on mn) So I told him that somone had sent a link to say 'good luck' for Wednesday (so not a real lie)

Hes out drinking atm and I just feel strangley clam Confused
I would normaly be in a bit of a panic and on edge.
If he hurts me tonight I will call the police -Just like the brilliant pixi!

I hope you are ok pixi and your DC are sleeping peacfuly.
Do you feel like youve taken a massive step to better your life?
I think you have Smile

nothaunted · 09/10/2011 20:32

Dear Pixie,
If you aren't expecting other calls then switch the phone off for the evening or find out how to block his number. If you feel nervous at all, phone the police station non-emergency number and talk to DV officer for some support. Call the samaritans if you just need to talk or WA if you want advice and post here as often as you need to.
You are in huge shock, this is house fire, burglary, death in the family, car accident territory - is there any one you trust who could come over and be with you either this evening or tomorrow in the day or perhaps help you out with DC?
Take it easy tomorrow but do try to talk to GP or one other agency at least to get this noted and find out what support is available locally? Ask the GP for an emergency appt. You need swaddling at the moment and you have every right to ask for that help. Wine if it helps x

Misspixietrix · 09/10/2011 21:02

No idea where he is at all Just that he's text numerous times to say he needs his food/work clothes/fairydust/pet dragon from the house, I noticed he made a point of not taking a bag when the Police told him too because he wants to come back and worm his way back in like he did last time x

Misspixietrix · 09/10/2011 21:59

Police called again after he casually drove up on the drive, Police have sent him back off with a pillow and a blanket so he can keep warm in his car Confused He was pleading with them that he had nowhere to stay, he jolly well does! well that's what I assume when he's staying out at 'mates' until silly o clock! It just means he would have to admit to others what a total twat he has been to his wife and it won't sit well with his perfect father image! Angry x

ItsMeAndMyPumpkinNow · 09/10/2011 22:08

Well done for reinforcing the message and not backing down, pixie!

They really are Teflon twats, aren't they? Angry "Who, me? Done something bad? Nope, not possible. La la la la la I can't hear you."

nothaunted · 09/10/2011 22:16

Try to get some sleep pixie, police now have him well and truly on their radar. Each incident they came round will be logged. He really is as dense as a forest of trees isn't he? Keep strong, call police whenever you need too.

My thought for tonight was that ex is a cardboard cutout of a man. It's like stage trickery all for effect. He thought it was good to be a man of mystery lies when in reality he is a hollow man. Not depth, no richness of good experience, no heartfelt joy in life. It's taking a while but yesterday had a good day with my lovely DD and although I had a few regretful thoughts the grief wasn't pricking at my eyes. So Pixie take heart, it does get better with time honestly. And you too will find your relaxed happy self again and your DCs will no longer be afraid. When you finally stand up to them, men such as these fold like the cheap suits they are.

foolonthehill · 09/10/2011 22:19

well done pixie wish there was an emoticon for [thumbs up] thoughts with you and prayers ('cos I do that!) Don't let him in, EVER!!!!! (not even your head!!)

Today I wrote H (can't do DH...as not D!!!!!!!) the first part of his dear john letter. Only the solicitor to go and then I can have my little chat (with 6'5'' friend in next room) hand him his papers and tell him I'll "watch his future career with interest". Thinking how CALM it will be....even if DC's and I end up squished into a "littlehousenotbytheriver" with no money !! Smile

need Brew as now have to rescue "schooliforms" from the washing machine and attempt to iron dry.....so much for supermum organisation...can't do everything I suppose.

hamsterscanswimiftheywantto they can also drive cars and leave the back of beyond and regain their life.........good luck for Wednesday, may not be back for a couple of days so have to send good words early.........

Misspixietrix · 09/10/2011 22:22

Teflon twats! ha! thanks for making me chuckle :) The police told Him & I earlier that cctv will be keeping an eye out for his car and if it's spotted they'll be stopping him, I don't think he was (hell even I wasn't!) expecting them to swoop on him within 60seconds of him coming on the drive :o I'm now having a guilt trip of him being huddled in the back of the car even though he brought it on himself! didn't he? oh the headfuckery :( x

foolonthehill · 09/10/2011 22:22

PS send good vibes to me...very wobbly about the DCs caught in the middle of this and worried about contact in future (he is EA with added manipulative overdrive and NO shame...but looks ok to outside world so prob not going to be easy to get supervised contact).

foolonthehill · 09/10/2011 22:24

Pixie cross posted with you

No NO NO don't pity him, he deserves it...remember the sleepless night's you've had, the crying, the pain...sleeping in a car is NOTHING, it's not even that cold. let him feel a bit of reality for a change...not his cosy made up version.

Misspixietrix · 09/10/2011 22:35

I x-posted with you guys too sorry! Thanks nothaunted thankyou, unlucky for said twat it was the same officers that dealt with him earlier, was very nice to me again but had to leave quite suddenly to deal with another incident (we live in a crime hotspot-something else I want to change! :( ) and he said if he trys again to just ring straight back & they'll be here again x FOTH, sending good vibes to you, i'm ironing dry the uniforms too! maybe I might be more organised with 1 less 'kid' :) x

MadameWooOOoovary · 09/10/2011 23:37

Pixie now is the time to remember all the cruelty, the callousness, the putdowns. Do Not Feel Guilty. It is absolutely right that this should happen this way. Loving the quick response of police in seeing off the Twat!
Remember we are all here, right with you x

HerScaryness · 10/10/2011 00:17

Pixie. firstly bloody well done girly!

Remember where we talk about a script these dick heads follow? well the police know that. The huge chunk of their work of a weekend would be DV related.

They told us this:
"Every minute in the UK, the police receive a call from the public for
assistance for domestic violence. This leads to police receiving an
estimated 1,300 calls each day or over 570,000 each year. (Stanko, 2000).
Of these, 89% were calls by women being assaulted by men. However,
according to the government National Delivery Plan, less than 24% of
domestic violence crime is reported to the police (Walby and Allen, 2004)

I say this because this means that they know, almost to the minute when these sad fuckers will try and get back in the house.

Stay strong, get advice and keep him OUT. Go to the Dr tomorrow, photograph the marks today if you can.

Misspixietrix · 10/10/2011 00:34

he said (officer) that's the one problem, that technically it's a joint house so he has to come back at some point Confused but when he kicked off about his uniform they told him he had to go to our local station and get an officer to escort him make sure he bloody leaves after. Scary when they first came I eavesdropped overheard their next call, another DV incident up the road :( Does anyone know how I get an emergency solicitor's app? I actually had 1 booked last week again and chickened out! x

Misspixietrix · 10/10/2011 00:39

Lol MadameWooo! well like I said it's a hotspot round here so there's never a car too far away! :o x Can I just say one thing when I can stop myself with the guilttrip back of the car pic, He NEVER EVER lets us put the heating on overnight, it's on tonight! :) Night everyone, going to sleep for a few hours with the window open a little so I can hear any car engines Confused x

HerScaryness · 10/10/2011 00:46

Good luck pixie, thinking of you love. stay safe.

Misspixietrix · 10/10/2011 06:29

Morning everyone I hope you're well. Despite 60mph winds in these parts, I slept pretty well! :) Numerous texts after the Police's 2nd removal but I think he got the message when I didn't reply for the umpteenth time. Just spoken to WA & she's made me realise I have to stop feeling so responsible for H, it's true though I do I feel awful:( NCDV are ringing me after 9 to help legally regards injunctions, apparently even though it's 'his home too' : the police logged it as a domestic incident so I get help x

bellsring · 10/10/2011 09:11

Do you see now, OP, how when it comes down to it, it's you against him. He will always try to save his own skin/think of himself - THAT IS WHAT THEY DO. Good luck with everything today.

ItsMeAndMyPumpkinNow · 10/10/2011 09:47

was this intended for another thread, bellsring?

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