Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships 5

[ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow]

Welcome!

This is the latest instalment in a series of threads for those who are in abusive relationships, those who have left abusive relationships, and those gearing to leave.

Come vent, share, give and receive support.

The first question you may be asking yourself as a new visitor to this thread is:

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.

Yes, you're right juggling, even while I'm writing my apologies I think, it's not really necessary but still I do it.

I've always virtually apologised for existing but also overcompensate as, even 18 years down the line I worry about pissing people off with my 'inbred' german directness at times.

No wonder I've always loved it here, an apologist in a country that does apologising so well 'excuse me, I'm sorry but.....you're standing on my toe....oh I'm terribly sorry (when someone else bumps into you etc) :)

I think it's because you said "crap to some maybe" - and I thought that was a little harsh - on yourself really - when it's a film you like !
Everyone has different tastes in lots of things, but no need to apologise for your own ?
That's funny what you said about living in England

Yep! I'm going to have a go at you, Bibi, hang on to your seat. What's with the apologising for your story, your choice of film and, with your "crap" and "patronising", setting your readers up as somehow better or more sophisticated than you? Why do you need to bounce in here all chirpy, with your ticket machine and your fireside snacks? You're very welcome in whatever outfit you choose, of course, and your parties are indeed lovely - but are you currying favour? You can turn up weeping in rags if you like, most of us do. You're good enough. We all are.

I've always managed to be direct without the excuse of a German heritage, so am sure you can take it. Hell, go bats and dish some out!

If you respond to this with an apology I WILL COME AND WRAP YOUR TICKET MACHINE ROUND YOUR NECK

Ditto here with those lines from 'Shirley Valentine'. Rings so many bells for me.
That's how I feel after being with my ex for 12 years. He wanted me to disappear into the background and cease to exist, and that is how he treated me for many of the last years, after going through the whole range of other tactics. He didn't want me to just 'be myself', the person he got with at the beginning; he just wanted to crush me, and he did do a pretty good job. And I am sad. And I am angry over the wasted years on him. I still feel very let down. I would sum it up as him, thriving, getting on with his life/career etc, and me scrabbling around on the bottom of the pool just trying to get by. Okay, I did, bring up my dc during those years and I did achieve a few small things, often against the odds, when I was often feeling so wretched, but I wish I hadn't gone through all the crap that was endured, and put up with.

Rant over. Have a lovely evening all you lovely ladies!

To someone like me who still feels unacceptable in the world on an almost daily basis those are very painful words to read.

Currying favour as you so eloquently put it is my way of trying to feel like i can somehow justify my continued presence here.

Thank you for providing the boot up the arse I sorely need garlic.

Hey garlic that's my friend you are challenging rather harshly! She brings fun and food onto a thread that could be a very dark and gloomy place, and whether she does it because she is a ray of sunshine or just because she wants us to love her doesn't matter. Bibi you are great and I would like you in RL as well. And I still like you when you are miserable and need a hug!

Ouch. Return kick duly felt, Bibi
You don't need to justify your presence. You're very welcome, with or without curry!

I worry about whether you're avoiding your issues by focusing on bringing the ray of sunshine (plus snacks and the Fuck Off Express.)

But that's up to you, so I'll shut up now. Congrats on the absence of apology

I wonder if any of you wise women have read this thread? www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1316643-Is-my-anger-ruining-my-marriage
Poor OP has just now realised her H is the problem - I'm hoping her thread isn't going to go all conciliatory; some resolve-strengthening could be in order if you agree ...

Its got to be over, i've kissed another man. So confused because it felt so good to feel his lips on mine (havn't been kissed by OH for so long). Stirred things in me I didnt know existed anymore. Nothing more is going to happen, it was lovely but I dont want to confuse my head anymore.

I dont feel guilty - I thought I would

Heads fucked

IWBF xx

Hmm. Congrats

(smiling) Thanks garlic xx

new titbit of the week from twat diary, I got called a fool and something else (walked out the room & didn't care to stand around to listen to the drivel) before he was even up this morning. He just rang me to ask why I insulted him this morning!?!? Example A of mindfucking his 'woe is me' attitude! Oh and btw I open my savings account tomorrow :o

sorry ladies but kind of a me post (again!) can I have a good kick up the proverbs please, he's sucking me back in :( The way DC's are behaving towards me is making me realise that they have emulated what they have seen and have as much respect for their mummy as their daddy does! and it makes me so sad. He just rang again to have the 'who called who a name first argument' wtf? this man is in his 40's nearly!! I could happily rip someone's head off right now, shame he's not around to practice on! x

OK, pixie. Apologies for telling you what you already know ... From now on, don't call anybody names, ever. If you do it without thinking, it'll be easier to stop using any 'names' at all for now, even endearments and nicknames, and simply use everybody's actual names. When you need to tell people off or to praise them, take the trouble to do it properly using "I" statements.

When anybody calls you a name, say something neutral like "That sounded rude", "That's harsh", "Don't insult me", "I'm sorry you feel that way". Stay calm and firm. With adults you can walk away - with children, make your point firmly and tell them you won't engage until they frame their request/remark properly. Teach them how to make "I" statements.

It won't work perfectly straight away, but it will sink in and become a healthier set of habits for everyone :)

And ... take a bracing walk round the garden, then treat yourself to some chocolate! x

thankyou garlic, the funny thing is I haven't called him any names for a while stopped caring enough for him to bother me, but it's the Jekyl and Hyde mode I need to be able to see clearly through as I get all foggy, I think Scary wrote a while ago how I need to realise they are both the same person. I said to him at the end of the conversation "I am going to tell you this in a calm and collected manner only once, I will not tolerate you're unreasonable behaviour towards me" And pressed end x Sadly no choc!

psychopathyawareness.wordpress.com/2010/12/08/dating-jekyll-and-hyde-personalities/

Food for thought?

What an informative site, bellsring! Thanks.

Pixie: When you're dealing with a Jekyll/Hyde character, the most important thing to realise - and, by far, the hardest - is that Mr Hyde is the only reality. Dr Jekyll is a front, a mask, a paste-up. That's what we fell in love with.

:(

Dr. Jekyll had disappeared virtually towards the end of my relationship, but I still stayed, even though it was all stick and no carrot. Hence, now, self-esteem is an ongoing building process. What is the saying 'The only way is up'!

ok huge development in Pixieland, Police called and had said twat removed after he physically wrestled his phone from me, I had only picked it up to get SIL's new number, my arms are still hurting :( Ringing WA up tonight once the DC's are in bed, they've seen mummy crying enough today x

Blimey, well done! You must be reeling. Did the police take note of injuries? What did they say to him?

Glad you're ringing WA. x

Well done pixie, that was very brave. How are you feeling now? What was the twat's reaction? ((hugs))

All the best to you, Miss Pixie !

Dear Pixie, so sorry that you are having an awful day. Snuggle DCs up, pizza in front of telly under blankets and a silly film - whatever makes you all feel safe and cosy. Can you get a RL friend over to keep you company this evening. It's not going to be an easy ride. The rest of today, tomorrow and this week, this month is about you - keeping you safe, secure and helping you have the strength you need. We are here for you, keep posting if need be, ask questions, rant, rave, sob ... it's ok love (((hugs)))

the twats reaction was to tell them in front of DC's that I'm sick and in need of help! :( They took note Of my red arms but I was very upset at the time, and said I didn't want to press charges I just wanted him removed. He sat there as chilled as anything & swearing he's never laid a finger on me Police's reply was "it's all very well saying that but we don't know what goes on behind closed doors" brb getting DC's ready for bedtime baths to try & retain some normality x

Pixie Good for you getting the police involved. I wish I had done that after ex-twat hauled my phone out of my fingers. Please get to your GP as soon as possible so that they can record on your notes how this has affected you AS PART OF THE BIGGER CYCLE OF ABUSE (sorry for shouting)