Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships 5

[ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow]

Welcome!

This is the latest instalment in a series of threads for those who are in abusive relationships, those who have left abusive relationships, and those gearing to leave.

Come vent, share, give and receive support.

The first question you may be asking yourself as a new visitor to this thread is:

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.

Great idea about the coil check :) Well done!
Please also call Womens Aid on Monday, and also try the police (ask for DV advisor.) You can make both those calls from the doctor's, too, if you need to try again.

Very best of luck with your driving test, too - and well done on learning! It's kind of symbolic, isn't it - you're heading to freedom and independence!

Huh, sounds like the area I live in! I was so happy to move from a village to a (v. small) town - it's got pavements, and street lamps, and all

The villages are full of gossip about nightmare husbands with trapped wives. Nobody actually does anything to investigate or help, of course :(
Those places are havens for abusers - nobody hears, nobody sees, nowhere to run

Box clever, Hamsters, you can do it.

I'm motivated (?) to get on and do this now.

Monday will be the day I get the ball rolling (God help me!)

I've really got to stick with it now because I dont feel my Ds will be ok if I dont leave H.

I would fight a speeding train for my DC. Nothing could take me on.
I will do it for them (even though they love H).

Hamsters, just out of interest, how come you ended up in an isolated village with 2 children and no public transport when you don't drive?

Was it his idea that you live there? Coz it's quite common for abusers to do that.

Yep,
His great idea

I (Ds and I) used to live in a big town in the south east.

I was going to go to uni (nursing) was skint but happy.

We met and he was everything that I never had

The bloody stupid thing is, I'm pretty, youngish (28 now) and not stupid (although I cant spell for toffie!)

I was happy on my own with Ds.

H swept me off my feet.

We moved here (Cornwall) because he said he would be less stressed/drink less (all excuses for hurting me) so I agreed.
It was soled so well -never take me to a time share meeting!

Over time I've lost my family and friends.

He has just (today) cancelled a trip to see DSILs (I think its because I get on too well with them).

DMIL says she will help me and DC whatever I decide to do. so I have her although I wont tell her that he kicks the crap out of me.

Oh, tell her. After you've gone, preferably, you don't want her laying into him and him punishing you for telling ...

I'm not in Cornwall, we have much worse weather here!
Whenever someone shares their dream of the rural idyll in a "quiet little village" I shudder. They're full of monsters.

Hamster, I am so sorry to hear of your situation.

I am sure your friend would love to hear from you. She cared enough to make you chief bridesmaid in the first place, surely she would come around if you made contact?

I cannot offer any advise but just wanted to send support your way and can see garlic and scary have already given fantastic advise.

Keep strong and look after yourself.

X

Jesus, what a tosser.

ring these people ncdv - they'll get rid of the wanker for you no problems.

Thankyou.

I dont want to hurt MIL, but will tell her after.

I'm going to go to bed noe (H is passed out so wont pester/push me into ect)

Got a driving lesson in the morning.

Anyone reading.... STAY OFF THE A30!

lol

Stay safe. x

Hamster - I absolutely love that you can joke at a time like this - your sense of humour will serve you well in the future.

Hi Im going to say sorry in advance here,but Im hoping you dont mind if I get this out this morning,because I feel like im going mad,feel like im in a see through box that Im trying to get out of but no one can here me shouting?
Anyway last week was a very bad week for me,but after looking at loads of info on here I identified a bit was was going on with the emotional abuse,and so felt I was moving forward a bit ,but last night was just worse than before,I dont know how to put it into words oh wanted sex - me + another man.he joked about it last week,laughing after he acused me of sleeping with someone else,not true,he said you want to sleep with another man ok you will and Illl watch,neaver thought he ment it.every time I except what hes doing to me,he does more,is this how it is? do things keep geeting worse and worse? I feel like there is no way out of my box,I thought I would stand up to him abit last week,hes isolated me from friends/family,so I arranged to meet up with an old friend,told him,he went nuts,so wasnt the best thing to do xx

Gosh, don't apologise, baby; that's exactly what this thread is for. The feeling you're going mad is something I think everyone on this thread feels or used to feel. And yes indeed, the increasing level of nastiness and weirdness when you had assimilated and coped with the last level, that's all well documented too. The first thing you have to hold on to is it's not you, it's him. And after that, abusers tell a whole lot of lies. I will never know whether XH thought I was genuinely sleeping around, but he seemed to believe it - although sometimes he would say not only that he didn't believe it, but that he had never said that I did. So there's me trying to make sense of totally contradictory statements, trying to make two opposing realities fit into one universe. It can't be done. So your head explodes.

Hi all waves to all the regulars and newbies x Baby yes stbx has often made me ? my own sanity, still do sometimes, I could have wrote Annies post word for word. He's pushing the boundaries with you, you've dared do something he's told you not too and it's all part of his mindfucking behaviour to 'get you back in line' so to speak. Don't let him make you upset about it hun, keep smiling go about your daily business and leave him to sulk wonder what's gone on

The thing about self-empowerment, assertiveness and defusing tactics is that they help put YOU back in YOUR world; they're meant to help you stay in charge of your own thoughts and reactions. They won't change anybody else, because people can only change themselves.

Having said that, it can be illuminating to see how changing your reactions changes what happens next. When we're stuck in an unequal relationship, everything becomes about the dominant partner's wishes/feelings/thoughts/etc. Adopting different tactics, as the non-dominant partner, prompts different reactions - and that shows us we are not powerless. It shows us that what we say and do does matter. This, in itself, is empowering :)

Another advantage: The more you focus on yourself, and take charge of your thoughts & feelings, the more clarity you get on the other person's craziness. It makes it easier to detach.

good post, garlic.The other unequal quality about relationships like this is you the amount of brain energy and time you spend trying to work out your partner will not equate to the time they spend thinking about you.

Hi y'all...been lurking due to excessive presence of himself for a while.

Have had a few moments this week and a little head space...would like to run a few things past the wise heads both in and out of relationships

and just to say to baby and hamster any other lurkers and girls still in the mind bending relationship (as am I) hanging around with this lot certainly helps sort out your head and makes you realise you really do have choices and you really can still find yourself in there somewhere!!

So here's the thing; I have noticed that since I have realised how much emotional energy himself absorbs and how much attention he needs I have really worked out how much more I can give to the DCs if I elbow him out of the way...more getting him out of my mind anywhere else at present. this has revolutionised my life....I can get soooo much done, can help them so much more and talk with meaning!!!

Wanted to share this momentous thing for me...not just cos I feel but also because I have felt so down and so unravelled in the last month and wanted to say to you girls . I've accessed some help and have safety plans in place...NOW I can think about what comes next...and yes i know I'm going to have the tough times again....but just to say I'm really appreciating this little happiness for me and the kids...buttons still loving your book recommendations and have also read Lundy on children plus a few more (yup...resource investigator that's me...who is it who's into personality profiles?)

Hamsterscanswimiftheywantto good luck with the driving....YES you can pass....they hate that cos it means you get some independence so do it! Just for you!! (Imagines hamster at wheel of car with single passenger driving off into beautiful sunset with city skyline in silouette......).

whoops...2 passengers hamster...smallest one may not be too visible in the car seat!!

what, like ?

Brilliant IMAMPN

EXACTLY.........................awwwww

Brilliant ! Good luck, Hammy !

Random post alert :)

Just finished watching one of my favourite films - Shirley Valentine - crap to some maybe but it's one of those I can watch over and over :)

Anyway, feel the need to share the following from said film:

"I?ve led such a little life, and even that?ll be over pretty soon. I have allowed myself to lead this little life when inside me there is so much more.

And it?s all gone unused, and now it never will be.

Why do we get all this life if we don?t ever use it?

Why do we get all these feelings and dreams and hopes if we don?t ever use them? That?s how Shirley Valentine disappeared, she got lost in all this unused life.?

Sorry if that's really patronising to some but it always strikes a chord with me as I used to feel like that almost every day, catering to a selfish git who refused to see me as an actual person.

Hope you're all having a good weekend btw :)

You don't have to apologise so much, Bibi !
That's probably a bad habit you've got into ?
You see it all the time on MN - like the Mum of a 5 week old who was apologising that she's started several threads in the last few weeks - I wonder why !!
I liked Shirley Valentine - it's quite inspiring from what I remember !