Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships 5

[ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow]

Welcome!

This is the latest instalment in a series of threads for those who are in abusive relationships, those who have left abusive relationships, and those gearing to leave.

Come vent, share, give and receive support.

The first question you may be asking yourself as a new visitor to this thread is:

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.

Its under mymumsnet>registration details.

BF, I know what you feel like, I remember it well. the feeling of loathing is intense.

It will end, you will be free one day. just get yourself into position and push hard for it. you will be happy.

Aahh, that's better and tks to meandmypumpkin for suggestion.
Bring on the trick or treat mini chocolate bars now!

Dear Breaklegs: great go out, have a good evening with your friend. Re coping with behaviour I dunno but is Beverley Engels book any good? Have a look at her website also fogging techniques, pulls rug from under the twattishness.

Is it ok for me to tag along too ?

babywontstopme, welcome!! How are you doing?

Hey scaryness,I have been following this thread for a long time so nows time to say hi,Im going in circles atm with myself as to whats going on/not going on with my oh x

Hi Baby, going round is circles is what happens. Don't worry, we all do that at times. Read/post/ask/rant it all helps untangle the confusion in a way. Do read some of the links upthread. We are a warm, wonderfully empathetic bunch and nothing phases us.

Welcome babywontstopme Yep, we've all been there. Hopefully we can help you make some progress

Hi thanks! not sure where to go from here, but Ill tag along if thats ok

Hi lovley ladies,

I've posted on here a while back but might have been under a namechange -I have posted quite a few times about problems with H and always got "leave him. Think of your DC ect"
Of corse they were all right and we should have left long ago

I need to leave.

He is a drinker.

I have a split lip and a few bruises atm.

I want to go and start a new life but have no one and no money.

I just want a friend to talk to

I did have a couple of great friends but have let them down.
My bf -how can I face her after I did a no-show at her wedding (icing on the cake I was cheif bridesmaid) and have had another baby since we last spoke.

I dont feel I can contact them untill I'm sorted

First off, good for coming on here Hamster, that's one brave move. Second don't worry that you are still where you are, but are you safe? Can you talk to women's aid - 0808 2000 247 - they will listen, as we will here.
If you are not safe and he is being dangerous you need to go somewhere where you can be safe or call the police. See the checklist on WA site re what to take.
But if you are ok for a while, still talk to Women's Aid, you will get through eventually. Also Al-Anon, Samaritans if you want someone just to listen.
I know it seems hard, but to get some clarity in your thinking you need to detach. His drinking is his problem, not yours. Each step, no matter how tiny, is a way to escape. Dealing with him saps your strength and self-esteem. If it were that easy, the world would be littered with men who got chucked the moment they even hinted at abuse. But we are all human, think of our DCs and keep the hope that something will change rather than us having to find the courage to change it. I hope you are safe tonight. Have [tea] and let out anything you need to x

Oh, poor poor you :( What a horrid predicament, Hamsters.

Look, please please ring your friend - er, not at this time of night (!) but over the weekend. Let it all spill out.

Take photos of your injuries, with the date stamp on.

Make an appointment with your GP, show them the photo and get a check-over. If he sexually abuses you as well, do mention this and they can check for common tears, etc.

Ring Womens Aid and/or Refuge. They will be able to give you sensible advice, help you with the money problems and everything. It's hard to get through, unfortunately. You can give them times when it's safe for a ring-back.

Keep posting.

Have a and from me.

Thankyou.

I had to logg off as he stumbled back from the pub.
He knows I want to end it.
He is pissed (so I'm on egg shells) and said that if I do want to go, then he will help me sort somwhere out (he knows I wont wan to stay here) I dont trust that he wont get drunk and flip if I admit that I'm leaving though.

I'v said it before and he has said tat he wont let me take our DDs and I will have to go with my DS, saying that I'm 'unfit' as I have had PND (I think I woulld have been fine if he wasnt being an abusive twat) He calle the police out when I was 7mths pg (I was suicidel after he hit me) and again 5 days after I had DD2 as he was drunk and I wanted to go. He told them that I needed to be sectioned.

I've never sought help for his dv so I have no proof as such.
The only thing I have is when he called 999 (again) because I was having chest pains (ende up a chest infection) they made a note that I was covered in bruises -could I use that as 'proof' if I need to?

Hamsters. I understand you are feeling trapped atm, but if nothing else you need to start creating a soft paper trail. can you get to your Dr? can you talk to a HV, Woman's Aid, refuge, to start to log what is going on with you. I promise it will make a HUGE difference to you when you do decide to go, and when you need protection from the courts. See if you can get your address flagged. Go to the Dr and get your injuries seen. Let the professionals help. It's what they are there for.

Without this 3rd party evidence, it's an uphill battle and his word against yours.Put it this way, if you create a trail, and if he attacks you. HE can be removed there and then. The courts can force HIM to stay away from YOU. You might not even have to leave.

Listen love, when it comes down to you going, you WILL leave with whom you wish to leave with, FGS don't even consider leaving your DDs behind with someone who thinks it acceptable to give his DW a split lip and bruises.

Please call WA, please go and see CAB and get some advice. Slowly and carefully.

He's painted you into a corner by making you think you need evidence of this and proof of that. When you get talking to Womens Aid, they will set you free. Meanwhile, here's some reality:

Nobody "takes children away". Yours could and will be considered in danger IF YOU STAY WITH A PARTNER WHO ABUSES YOU. Your biggest risk of losing them is, in fact, by staying together.

He doesn't get to decide which DC go and stay. Since he's violently abusive, he would not get residency and will be lucky if he gets unsupervised visits.

Your photos and the emergency log will support that he hits you. This will be useful in future disputes over access, but has NO legal influence on any divorce or separation agreement. You do not need 'proof' of anything to leave him, and to take your DC with you.

But you should see your GP asap, in order to have more evidence of violence in case of residency & access disputes later on.

You can call the police if you are frightened of him, and they will remove him. You should call the non-emergency number and ask for the recent incident to be logged. Speak to their DV advisor; they'll ask the right questions.

You are in a stronger position than you think. But try not to piss him off too much while he senses you're planning to go. He might get nasty, keep your head down as needed for your safety.

Btw, it's very okay to write as much as you like about what happened here. I've got to go to sleep soon, but will check back tomorrow. x

x-posts with Scary :)

Im scared as I cant get to a dr without him taking me.

I cant get out of the village as there is no public transport.

My driving test is on wed and I dont think I will pass.

who could I call to help me logg my bruises?
I dont want any more.

You could call the police, the DV section and ask a female plain clothes person to come visit you?

Could you call the HV out?

You will pass your test on weds, you really will. You will pass and one day you will drive yourself to freedom. Not quite Thelma and Louise, but you get the picture.

please believe in yourself? you can do this love, you really can.

To clarify, you don't need proof of abuse to get help, to get to a refuge, but proof/paper trail, you reporting it to the Dr, HV, AW and police will help you keep him away.

If you called NOW and said I need to go, someone would get you into a refuge tonight, come hell or high water, the rest could be sorted out over time.

Call WA, tell them what you have told us and ask them to help you plan and manage your exit.

You can get him to take you to a DR, but he doesn't need to come in with you, could you tell him it's an intimate exam and for him to wait for you in the waiting room?

Hamster, is it possible to walk to the docs. How far away is it? will your dp be home with you all week-end?

Yes!

I can get him to take me to the drs, if I tell him that I need to get my coil checked and see the nurse.. I could call them when hes at work on Monday.

I just need to keep my nerve over the weekend.
He is being so nice about my driving test and he really means it.
FFS why cant he be a cu&t all the time?
These patches where he is lovley kill me.

He could be perfect.
But hes not

Why the f*ck do I still love him?!

Oh Hamsters, the advice you've already had is excellent, just wanted to add my voice to say I'm sorry to hear about the situation you're in for now.

Big fat ticket to the far side of fuck for him and when he gets there I'll personally shove and kick the git onto his connection to fuck off some more.

You didn't cause this and you don't deserve this crap and you will be able to get out soon, we here believe that, you can too

Damn it, who knew the typing for flowers is thanks....not me...

No NotSuchASmugMarriedNow,

Its a 3/4mile, up steep hill treck with a 14mth and 3yr old.

I really am stuck in a V small village with a bus that comes a couple of times a week and no way home ( would have to stay all day at the drs).