Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships 5

[ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow]

Welcome!

This is the latest instalment in a series of threads for those who are in abusive relationships, those who have left abusive relationships, and those gearing to leave.

Come vent, share, give and receive support.

The first question you may be asking yourself as a new visitor to this thread is:

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.

excellent names Madame and Juggling!

Dear Littlehouse - I'm truly glad you weren't more upset or shaken by this experience. It doesn't sound great

I was just so bloody compliant!! What was I thinking? I was obviously in the Power of Cock Cult at the time!

Not any more!!

hello,been pointed here by ItsMeAndMyPumpkinNow.i do believe ive been on one of the threads before but lost track.
was just looking at the link about however many ways to see if your dating a loser.my' loser' is my dh.
too many things too list now.never violent physically but usually emotionally twunty.

garlic Yeh, fogging can be good. I've used in when he's said "this place is a mess, you can't find anything" sort of stuff. But am reluctant to agree with him when he's getting more personal. I'm not sure I'd be happy with that, or it would work. But not engaging generally sounds good. I've tried saying I won't discuss anything in the car (because I can't walk away/ feel trapped if discussion gets out of hand) Just say if you want to talk over X that's fine, I'll talk about it at home. Haven't perfected it yet, but a good plan on paper

Welcome gruesome sarnie - No need for a halloween namechange there then!
"usually emotionally twunty" - I fear you've come to the right place

• have some and a and pull up a chair.

im usually cheesesarnie,just reusing a halloween name from a few years ago.
thankyou everso

I am feeling VERY down today. Despairingly so. and its not to do with him, well it is, but he's not annoying me, I'm just being civil to him. Its me. I am sitting here absolutely hating and berating myself for the last few hours over everything you can think of. [:(] Talk about a comedown from the fighting talk I've been giving myself last few days..

List what you want about your husband's emotional twuntishness, as it comes to you, cheesesarnie.

Or if you just want to hang around with [tea] and read, there are plenty of good links in the first 2 posts of this thread.

that was supposed to be a

where to start?
i might come back later and write something.its at the point now where i cant even be bothered to feel!
as i said on other thread,im sleeping with every male i see
he puts down everything i do,or atleast some not very nice comment
hes an angry person-shouty sweary
he does this competetive emotion thing.im sad,hes sadder

well that all came out easyily enough!i will pop back later,im supposed to be studying and dd has just got in,so better make a fuss.

Hi again cheesesarnie and there was I taking "cheese and severed finger" sarnies completely in my stride - they're two a penny round these parts - DS's favourite in fact !

How about ...

Him: You &%#$, you're so ®⌂ا~!
You: Hmm, you think I'm a &%#$ ...
Him: Yes, and you're ®⌂ا~!
You: I hear you.
Him: Well?
You: You've made your opinion clear.

Twunt2 hated "You've made your opinion clear". I used to say it in a really friendly tone. He never once had an answer

Caveat: This catchphrase is offered for use as recommended, but cannot be guaranteed to yield consistent results. Before attempting home servicing of your Catchphrase, please consult an accredit assertiveness manual.

That was for juggling, btw. But is available for general use.

Thanks garlic - I've been working on this sort of thing and tis helping a bit - even if he remains mystified !

So sorry LittleHouse but I did just let out a sort of laughing snort at 'he surprised me with anal sex' - like it was flowers or breakfast in bed or something.

I've been pondering that whole compliancy thing today, why on earth I meekly went along with so many things and stuffed them all away internally.

More discerning and assertive - I'll raise my [tea] to that!

Hi breaklegs Am sorry to hear you're feeling today. Maybe it's part of the process ? I've not been feeling very jolly recently either, but slightly brighter today, perhaps as it's the weekend and sun still shining - DH still behaving himself at the mo which is a big bonus too !

Can I add something here? Its going to sound a bit odd, but please remember that nice behaviour is not really nice behaviour, its part of the cycle, and I believe there is a point where that sinks in, IME:
Ex and I had met for breakfast, as we often did. That morning he was in a spectacularly good mood, funny, ebullient, full of tales of how wonderful everyone thought he had been the night before

In previous times I'd have been pleased for him, and enjoyed the respite from the usual walking on eggshells (or "W.O.E. is me" as I called it) However on this occasion I just looked at him and thought "Your good mood has nothing to do with me" You're just kind of talking at me. I suppose it was the realisation that I was nothing more than a sounding board, something to reflect good stuff back at him, or take out his frustrations when he felt like it.

I dont say this to burst your bubble, but rather to protect you from that desperate hope that the nice phase will last, when our collective and long-suffering experience tells you it wont.

Am thinking maybe he has a problem with stress and anger management though - perhaps something could be done to improve things in our relationship ? But whatever path the future holds it's got to be good to acknowledge his behaviour is sometimes/ quite regularly unacceptable.
Am thinking, as someone mentioned, he's borderline emotionally abusive, and sometimes steps over that boundary.
There has to be a spectrum of (abusive) behaviour ?
None of it easy to live with.

He spent the day in bed and came down when I asked him to get up and did nothing but bitch at me abotu how hes the only one that makes dinner. No nice phase here at all. Not yet . Unusual. It happened fast the other night but back to hostile very fast then indifferent, now hostile again. Sure how can anyone be expected not to go mad in the head..

SO he's after ranting and I mean shouting my head off now because I don't know anything thats going on in his life because I'm apparently so bitter and hateful . Apparently his daughter ran away last week. I said why the hell aren't you down there then instead of bitching at me. He said. "I am going down there next week" (and some excuse that they were moving house)
(yeah right)
All I am is an abuse soundboard for his anger, jealousy, control, insecurity, mammy issues, inner child issues, narco - wanker - bollocks- fuckwit - dickhead - hate him hate him hate him hate him. Wish he would FUCK OFF back to the stone he crawled out from under.
I have absolutely no sympathy for him and his situation regarding his daughter anymore. Especially since he told me months ago she was nothing to do with me after apparently I didnt support her when she had been raped by her older boyfriend.
Does this make evil. Genuinely?

I'm going mad. Mad.. I am going jump out this window for a quick death.

MadameO When you realise that it's often not a two-way conversation, one person is using the other as a sounding board, what they talk about is - guess - themselves all the time, it becomes tedious and boring; there is no interest in you. Advice - actively start using I yourself. I did this. It made no difference to my ex whatsoever as he cut off completely from me (treated me with silent contempt/as if I was invisible), but it made me feel better.

breaklegs I hope you are OK. Do not jump out of window as you may break your legs, or worse ( terrible attempt at humour in any situation )
Even if my nephew did survive it - they were playing pirates at the time, but string of sheets not strong enough

Interesting how several have said empowering techniques didn't necessarily make much impression on partners but succeeded in making us feel better !

No I'm ok. I got a little empowered and rang a friend. I'm going to go up to her house once kids are in bed with bottle of wine. Screw this sitting around here for the evening looking at his dour face. Yes I am still very down and depressed but its not helping having to be in the same house as him 24/7

Hi, can you tell me how to name change? Just a seasonally adjusted idea ...

Go to mymumsnet, registration details, change your chat nickname, save changes.